View Full Version : Jokes & Humorous Stories
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're planning on stealing your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away plus you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone twenty bucks, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• Never ever squat with your spurs on.
• If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his Mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
On the first day of secondary school, the headmaster addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Tommy is hard at work.
His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation his mom looks at it and to her surprise, Little Tommy got an A in Math!
She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and asks, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," She replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?? Little Tommy looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.
After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? ... that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig all he wants, I had him buried upside down."
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.
When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.
I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself! You save money."
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo? "
He answers, "$35. "
She: "How much for the black one? "
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one. "
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. " She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? "
He: "$35. "
She: "How much for the white one? " He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one. "
She: "Hmmm. I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before. " She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos? "
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black. "
She: "Hmmmmm. How much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo. It'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before. " She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Hooker, "How much do you charge? "Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job. " Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money! " The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner? " "Yes. " "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down? " "Yes. " "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's? " "Yes. " "Well, " says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500. " Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try. " They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that He just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1, 000? " The hooker replies, "$1, 500. " "I wouldn't pay that for a low-job! " The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the Street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1, 500. " The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another Year or so, and says, "Sign me up. " Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy? " The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places? " "Damn! " the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city? " No, " the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy.
Long Stroker
10-17-05, 09:29
Japan's 'Cashanova' showers 17 lovers with hot money
At first glance, balding, pudgy, bespectacled accountant Masaaki Matsubayashi hardly seemed a ladies man, but the 17 mistresses he accumulated over the past decade and a half told a different story, according to Shukan Jitsuwa.
It seems the little Lothario who operated the in-house health insurance system for Shikishima Baking Company had the kind of huge bulge in his pants that many women find the sexiest thing of all -- a packed wallet.
Matsubayashi's yen for new women and their willingness to pop up and take his yen from him allowed the accountant to become a "Cashanova," a wildly successful lover who has to pay for the status.
Unfortunately for the Aichi adulterer, though, all the money he was flashing around on floozies -- 1.9 billion yen, cops say -- wasn't his. (1.9 billion yen equals 16 million USD) In fact, he told the Nagoya District Court earlier this month that he had embezzled the whole lot from his company.
Matsubayashi, a married, 56-year-old gandpa with two grown daughters, maintained his harem without his wife ever knowing what he was up to.
The longest of his relationships had gone on for more than 25 years and resulted in a child who is now an adult in his own right. Though no longer lovers, Matsubayashi continued funneling in to the woman 300,000 yen a month to live on until he was caught.
Nearly all of the 1.9 billion yen the Cashanova is accused of siphoning off was used to fund lavish lifestyles for his 17 mistresses. Like the case with his long-term lady, Matsubayashi continued to pay the living expenses of some of the mistresses even after they had broken up. In return, he demanded -- and got -- sex whenever he had the whim. And it seems he had it a lot.
Friends are utterly shocked.
"During the day, he was a typical salaryman who didn' care much what he looked like, but I must admit that when it came time to go home, he did always dress up to the nines," one of the Cashanova's few close friends tells Shukan Jitsuwa. "He'd put on a suit, new tie, shoes and even glasses. It was like he was getting ready for work. He'd buy his lovers posh cars like a Mercedes Benz and accessories like Rolex, Cartier or Bulgari watches."
Matsubayashi's favorite mistress was apparently a leggy 40-something owner of a Korean restaurant he is alleged to have paid up to 3 million yen a month to keep her flailing business afloat. She was also the receipient of the Mercedes.
Being a favorite didn't mean much to Matsubayashi, though. There were plenty of other fish in the sea. One was a bar hostess he bought an Alfa Romeo sports car for. Another a woman with a liking for kimono who had him foot the 2 million yen bill to refurbish her nightclub. One more stayed at home to look after the 4-year-old child he had fathered. It was a similar story for another woman who continued to receive 800,000 yen a month child support payments for yet another illegitimate child even though they had parted ways. There was even a foreign mistress.
In the end, the Cashanova's generosity with his company's money ended up being his downfall. All the money he was pouring into a restaurant run by one of his mistresses alerted tax authorities. Inspectors started looking into her books and discovered a mysterious link to the Shikishima Baking Company, Matsubayashi's employer.
When the tax inspectors approached the company in May to see if it could help solve the mystery of why an apparently struggling eatery had so much cash, they went straight to Matsubayashi, not because they suspected him, but because he was in charge of the accounts. But Matsubayashi immediately admitted to pocketing his company's funds, police say.
Police looked into the case in the early summer. The first week of July turned out to be a pretty bad one for Matsubayashi. On July 4, he was fired. Two days later, his wife, shocked to learn what her husband had been doing behind her back all these years, was granted a divorce. The day after that, Nagoya prosecutors arrested the Cashanova, accusing him of embezzlement and tax evasion and keeping him in custody even now that his trial for embezzlement is underway.
Matsubayashi has turned out to be something of a locquacious lecher, boasting of his sexual high jinks.
"I could only think of the people paying into the insurance fund I got the money from as sponsors for my lover," Shukan Jitsuwa quotes Matsubayashi as telling the police. "I wanted as many sex partners as I could get. I wanted even more mistresses."
At least two of the 17 mistresses received more than 200 million yen apiece. Three of the lovers bore his children. And all the while his family remained totally oblivious.
"His wife couldn't believe he'd done it. They've got a 30-year-old son and a 29-0year-old daughter who've both got lives of their own now," a source close to the case tells Shukan Jitsuwa. "The daughter has kids."
Despite all the millions of yen Matsubayashi allegedly lavished on his lovers, the family home in Toyohashi, Aichi Prefecture, was, to put it plainly, a dump. In a land where houses are routinely demolished after a decade because they are deemed to have no re-sale value, Matsubayashi's home had been built an almost unheard of 40 years ago. He had virtually no savings.
Co-workers of the Cashanova are still bewildered by the case.
"He was just such a serious type. He never showed he had any of the inclination to play around that has since been exposed. He was the type of guy who'd be among the earliest to leave company parties or drinking sessionsm" a co-worker tells Shukan Jitsuwa. "He worked in a team with four young women, but nobody ever knew he was going out to these clubs every night. He lived quite some way from the office, but he'd apparently rented out an apartment close to the company that nobody knew about either."
Matsubayashi told the opening session of his trial that his father's death in 1981 probably sparked him on his obsessive pursuit of mistresses. He initially paid for them by using his savings or borrowing from loansharks, but by 1990 had found himself up to his ears in debt and no way of repaying what he owed. Unless, of course, he dipped into the company money.
None of the mistresses appears likely to face punishment.
"To be able to prosecute them, it has to be proven that they knew they were receiving embezzled money. All they have to do is say that didn't know a thing and they can't be touched," a police investigation source says. "The mistresses are all shocked, saying what a lovely guy Matsubayashi is. None of them can believe he used 1.9 billion yen. But they all say they believe he's innocent."
Matsubayashi has lost everything his wife, his job, his home, his reputation and his mistresses. But he remains unreprentant.
"I want more new women," Shukan Jitsuwa quotes the Cashanova telling the police. "Sex pleases me more than anything else in the whole world. It's what I live for. I don't feel guilty at all."
By Ryann Connell
October 15, 2005
Turbo Pascal
10-18-05, 20:51
A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, he guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons"
Yusta Vansel
10-19-05, 10:07
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Ten years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about ten years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."
Yusta Vansel
10-21-05, 17:15
There's a couple going at it for the first time. After a while the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider. She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he asks her again, "Open your legs a little wider".
She does.
Again, he says, "A little wider, Honey."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
When he once again asks, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
She finally yells, "What are you trying to do, get your balls in too?"
He says, "No. I'm trying to get them out."
Yusta Vansel
10-22-05, 06:47
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Yusta Vansel
10-26-05, 19:00
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job".
She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
Turbo Pascal
10-30-05, 10:45
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of
having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the
wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already
realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite,
have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend
and live happily ever after eating rice and beans.
Turbo Pascal
10-30-05, 10:53
1. women wear high heels to bed.
2. men are never impotent.
3. when going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. if a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. women always orgasm when men do.
9. a blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. all women are noisy fucks.
11. people in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. those tits are real.
13. a common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. men always groan "oh yeah!" when they cum.
15. if there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. double penetration makes women smile.
17. asian men don't exist.
18. if you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of s*** out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. there's a plot.
20. when taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. nurses suck patient's cocks.
22. men always pull out.
23. when your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
24. women never have headaches... or periods.
25. when a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. a man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.
27. women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
28. men don't have to beg.
Turbo Pascal
11-02-05, 07:59
A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..."
Turbo Pascal
11-02-05, 08:00
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice
"Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
why do men become smarter during sex?
>because they are plugged into a genius.
>
>why don't women blink during foreplay?
>they don't have time.
>
>why did god put men on earth?
>because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
>
>why don't women have men's brains?
>because they don't have penises to put them in.
>
>what do electric trains and breasts have in common?
>they're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end
>up playing with them.
>
>why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
>because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
>
>why do men masturbate?
>it's sex with someone they love.
>
>why were men given larger brains than dogs?
>so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
>
>why is a man's [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134) yellow and his sperm white?
>so he can tell if he is coming or going.
>
>how many honest,intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
>both of them.
>
>why did the man cross the road?
>he heard the chicken was a ****.
>
>why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
>they won't stop to ask directions.
>
>what do men and sperm have in common?
>they both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human
>being.
>
>how does a man show that he is planning for the future?
>he buys two cases of beer.
>
>what is the difference between men and government bonds?
>the bonds mature.
>
>why are blonde jokes so short?
>so men can remember them.
>
>how many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
>we don't know, it has never happened.
>
>why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
>good looking?
>they all already have boyfriends.
>
>what do you call a woman who
>knows where her husband is every
>night?
>a widow.
>
>why are married women heavier than single women?
>single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
>married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the
>fridge.
>
>how are men and parking lots alike?
>good ones are always taken, free ones are mostly handicapped or
>extremely small.
>
>what is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
>common?
>they are married.
Sky Dumont
11-07-05, 23:32
http://erofight.erotraveler.com/
from www.erotraveler.com
Nice game, very funny.
Thanks
Sky Dumont
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,
"Skunk, killed with an axe."
Turbo Pascal
11-08-05, 11:10
after several disastrous attempts to synchronize his own and his wife's libido with the delayed-action effects of viagra, tom the bus driver was delighted to hear about a new product called now!-agra. each pill came with strict instructions; 'to be taken only immediately before sex'.
so tom phoned his wife - who was equally hungry for some satisfactory action - and arranged to be home by six that evening. whilst he was finishing his day's work she had a long soak in luxurious bubble bath, listened to her favourite records, and was truly relaxed and ready when the clock struck six.
when he wasn't home by eight she was really peed off, and by nine she was beginning to worry...
tom came home sheepishly at ten, looking absolutely shattered.
"what happened?"
"well, i got back to the depot on time and the inspector asked me to park the bus at the back of the garage. i thought a few minutes wouldn't make any difference so i said yes. then i took out the pill, and somehow, after all our other problems, i thought i ought to give it time to 'kick in'. so i took it there and then..."
"and..."
"and i've only just managed to get out from under the steering wheel..."
Turbo Pascal
11-08-05, 11:10
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well that's great...... just great..... Some as**hole's got my pen."
Turbo Pascal
11-08-05, 11:12
A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor standing there.
"My paw ain't home," the young girl says, "but I know what you want and I am sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my paw charges one hundred and fifty dollars fer his best bull."
"That's not I want," growled the neighbor
"We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My paw charges one hundred dollars fer him," she replies.
"That's not I want either," growls the neighbor.
"Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My paw charges only fifty dollars fer him." she informs him.
"That's not what I want at all. I came here to see your pa about that-there brother o' your'n. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant," the neighbor hisses.
"Oh. I guess you'll have to see my paw about that then, 'coz I don't know what he charges fer Elmer."
Q: What is the difference between economy class airline passengers and cattle?
A: Cattle get fed.
Yusta Vansel
11-10-05, 13:01
An old man nearing his 60's goes in for a physical. The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly."
The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife. When he gets home he tells her,
"Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."
She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says,"We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"
He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it.."
Yusta Vansel
11-10-05, 13:03
A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her,
"Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members if both sexes. Is usually found hung, dangling ready loosely instant action. It boasts of clump of little hairy things at one end and small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, freshly, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white sticky substance, some of which will need cleaning from the other surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready yet for another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three Times a day. But often much less. What am I? As you may have already guessed, the answer! To the riddle is none other than your very own……..TOOTHBRUSH!!!
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more.
Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.
"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
2. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
3. It's a game of inches.
4. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
5. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
6. He found his tight end.
7. He had to stretch to get it in.
8. He could go all the way.
9. He goes deep.
10. He found a hole and slid through it.
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill. He couldn't figure it out, so he asked his buxom blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A guy hears that there's a fantastic new bar that has a robot bartender who will serve you a drink, then make conversation with you totally in synch with your IQ level. So the guy decides to check it out. He goes into the bar and sits down. The robot asks him, "What's your IQ?" The guy replies "150." The robot then proceeds to engage him in a highly intellectual conversation, discussing such topics as relativity, theoretical physics, string theory, deconstructionism, genetic drift, symbolism in Shakespeare's sonnets, and so on. The customer is very impressed, but decides to explore further to see if the robot can make conversation at a different level.
So the guy leaves and comes back a little later, pretending to be a different customer. The robot serves him a drink, then asks "What's your IQ?" The guy replies "100." The robot then proceeds to talk to him about football, NASCAR races, network TV shows, women's breast sizes, and so on. The customer is still impressed, but decides to test the robot just one more time.
So the guy leaves, then comes back a little later. The robot serves him a drink, then asks "What's your IQ?" This time the guy replies "50." So the robot says to him, "Duh.......ya gonna vote fer Bush again?"
Subject: amazing facts
1- Go to www.google.com
2- Type in "french military victories", without
the quotes.
3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling
Lucky"
the truth hurts...................
Merry Christmas to all from Burger king
http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries/
Yusta Vansel
12-23-05, 09:29
There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.
They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front seat with her leg and honk the horn. A big crowd gathered, all enjoying the free show.
Some women volunteers served them coffee through the window while others worked to free them. Finally firemen cut away the car frame. The 250 pound man was lifted out and the woman, sobbing was helped out of the car, too.
The ambulance driver tried to calm her down telling her the man would be fine, but she was so upset. She said she was worried about how she was going to explain to her husband what happened to his car!
Yusta Vansel
12-23-05, 09:30
bill had always been a prankster. as each of his friends were married, bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. no one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. his reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
when the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). nothing, it seemed, was amiss. satisfied that he had come away unrep001hed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union.
upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so bill called down to room service and asked 'can i get breakfast for two?'. before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said 'make that five...'
Subject: amazing facts
1- Go to www.google.com
2- Type in "french military victories", without
the quotes.
3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling
Lucky"
the truth hurts...................
Try "failure", and "liar" too with this "I'm feeling lucky" thing, although this truth shouldn't hurt as everybody knows it anyway.... :)
Turbo Pascal
01-06-06, 12:33
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales Representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer,"that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Turbo Pascal
01-06-06, 12:35
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in Front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Yusta Vansel
01-15-06, 08:31
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
Yusta Vansel
01-15-06, 08:32
The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?"
"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.
"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.
"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."
Frank Booth
01-18-06, 18:22
Gentlemen:
I am writing to you to warn you of something that
happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam
at a mall while shopping. This happened at the
Broward Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how
the scam works :
.
Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as
you are leaving the mall while you are placing your
packages on the floor of the front seat.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex while the other comes to your window saying
"Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming
out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
"No" and beg you for a ride to the Sawgrass Mills
Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other in
the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.
I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and
Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.
Be careful.
LOL - Frank - love it! Still laughing.
cheers
Piper
Gentlemen:
I am writing to you to warn you of something that
happened to me ...
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks"
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Yusta Vansel
02-02-06, 08:34
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."
"Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a
secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had use a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, A blessed little pop-up appeared and said:
"You have got a Male."
Yusta Vansel
02-02-06, 08:40
Billy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Billy puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!"
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy then says: "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
damn happened to me last tuesday and been looking for them since.
Gentlemen:
I am writing to you to warn you of something that
happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam
at a mall while shopping. This happened at the
Broward Mall and it could happen to you. Here's how
the scam works :
.
Two good looking 18 year old women come to your car as
you are leaving the mall while you are placing your
packages on the floor of the front seat.
One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex while the other comes to your window saying
"Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming
out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
"No" and beg you for a ride to the Sawgrass Mills
Mall. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other in
the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the
other one steals your wallet.
I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and
Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.
Be careful.
Yusta Vansel
02-06-06, 08:26
The girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered,all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
Yusta Vansel
02-06-06, 08:28
A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the talkative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.
"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."
"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look.
"You don't have much to say, do you?"
Girl says to her father : "Dad, im 14 now and want to go to the school disco?"
"Sure" says the old man "but I need a favour first, get on your knees and suck my cock!!"
"Oh Daddy that is disgusting, no way ill ever do that !!" she screams.
So five years pass, and every week she is given the same answer to her question, until finally she gives in, and says "Ok Dad, I am 19 now, and still have never been to a Disco, so out of desperation I will suck your cock!!"
The old man is delighted, and whips out his cock, and the girl starts sucking, but after a minute she says
"Dad there is a smell of shit off your cock??"
"Oh ya, your little brother is going as well"
Turbo Pascal
02-16-06, 11:59
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
"What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
A guy goes to a bar, hoping to find a girlfriend. He sits nervously at the bar, but soon enough a beautiful young woman makes eye contact and smiles at him. He eventually builds up the nerve to go and talk to her. He walks over and says hello, and immediately she shouts out "What do you mean 'HOW MUCH?' - I'm not that sort of girl!!"
He turns bright red, looks around at the snickering onlookers, and retreats back to his bar-stool, wondering what happened. A few minutes later, the girl comes to him and says "I'm sorry about that, I'm a psychology student doing a study on how people react to embarrassment in public places". He shouts out loud "Twenty dollars! You've GOT to be kidding!"
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and
he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
Yusta Vansel
02-24-06, 13:29
A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never work
up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into
the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved man asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
Yusta Vansel
02-24-06, 13:30
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a *****house!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like."
re: success
at age 4 ...success is ... not peeing in your pants
at age 12...success is ... having friends
at age 16...success is ... having a drivers license
at age 20...success is ... having sex
at age 35...success is ... having money
at age 50...success is ... having money
at age 60...success is ... having sex
at age 70...success is ... having a drivers license
at age 75...success is ... having friends
at age 80...success is ... not peeing in your pants
Yusta Vansel
03-05-06, 06:52
A lady tells her Man:
"I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says:
"Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
Yusta Vansel
03-05-06, 06:54
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore. "What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size.
The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six." she told him after a moment, "Now, take it out. How many?" Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom.
Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size." he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks." he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning, "I just came in for a fitting."
He he - I am still he he
See this site - where a young boy are trying to learn a ypung girl how to do a handjob - he he
http://www.netsummary.dk/vis?u=:3x3m.com/media/film/ketchupeffect.asx&t=
All the best
Silver Shadow
03-11-06, 04:58
A guy is hired at a good salary by a man who is the father of a retarded daughter.
This girl is far from beautiful, but has an an incredible, amazing body. The thought crosses his mind, but her vapid face discourages him.
After working for her father for a few months, he is summoned. The father approves of him as a potential son-in-law, and proposes that, if the employee marries the daughter, and stays married, he will purchase a luxurious home for them, a classy car, a handsome yearly allowance and many other amenities. The guy’s first reaction would be to refuse, but this is far more than he could ever hope to achieve on his own. He closes his eyes and thinks of her body, and agrees.
After the marriage, he is still reluctant to have sex with her, but discovers that if she puts a sack over her head, he can revel in her magnificent body.
One day, he is on a ladder, hanging a picture. He made the measurements, then calls down for a hammer.
She repeats, “Hammer, Hammer, Hammer”, then finds and brings one to him.
He then says, “I need nails.”
She says, “Nails, Nails, Nails”, and brings him some.
He begins hammering the hanger, misses and hits his thumb.
“Fuck!”, he yells.
“Sack, Sack, Sack” she repeats.
Silver Shadow
03-14-06, 21:21
LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for
her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Silver Shadow
03-21-06, 07:28
A guy walks into a bar, which is empty except for a woman sitting at the far end of the bar.
He takes a seat at the front of the bar, and tells the bartender, "Give me a dry martini, and let me buy a drink for that douchebag at the other end of the bar."
The bartender is shocked. "Sir, this is a respectable bar.", he says. "Ladies are welcome here, and we expect them to be treated respectfully."
"Yeah, okay.", the customer replies, "Not too heavy on the vermouth, and give the douchebag whatever she wants."
"Please, sir. We don't want to offend anyone. Please be somewhat more polite!"
"Am I going to have to wait all day for my drink?, he asks, "Even the douchebag is sitting there with an empty glass."
The bartender gives up. He walks to the other end of the bar and says to the lady, "The gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink. What can I get for you?"
She says, "Why, isn't he very nice. I'll have a Vinegar and Water."
Silver Shadow
03-21-06, 21:44
Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Silver Shadow
03-26-06, 00:00
A guy goes into a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say "Hello".
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, and while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and stuck a carrot up my butt?
She says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Silver Shadow
03-26-06, 01:38
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.
Unfortunately. he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.
Eventually, he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers.”
Silver Shadow
04-04-06, 04:35
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm just a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak six languages, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20,000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the
guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
Yusta Vansel
04-17-06, 06:41
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said,
" pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.
Yusta Vansel
04-17-06, 06:47
A guy goes into a brothel and says to the Madam, "What can I get for $20?"
She, totally uninterested in this "big spender" calls over her shoulder,
"Maisie, come and give this guy a Penguin"
Maisie walks over, kneels in front of the guy, drops his trousers and shorts
and starts to give him a blowjob. She stops about 30 seconds before he's
ready to come and walks away.
The guy waddles after her, still with his shorts and trousers around his
legs, and cries out "What's a Penguin?"
A blonde is lost in the woods, wandering around trying to find a road or possibly someone who can direct her. Eventually, she comes to a river. On the far side of the river, sitting on the bank tanning herself in the sun, is ANOTHER blonde.
The lost blonde is delighted, but the river looks very fast and deep. "Hey," she yells, "how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The blonde tanning herself looks across at her in a puzzled fashion, scratches her head, and says "You're already on the other side of the river."
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ar$e."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"
Yusta Vansel
05-01-06, 10:02
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled to the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
He replied "Only if it's raining."
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old
girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The
nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do
you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said,
"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "Well, well, well!
You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's
black."
Neyzen Tevfik
05-04-06, 08:49
Three teenager boys decide to go to skiing at Aspen.
However, it's the top season and there is only one room with a single bed available.
Since they decided the last minute, and it was only a weekend escape for one night, they agreed to sleep in a row in the same bed.
The next morning, the one who slept on the left side of the bed said : "Uuoaaah, what a night ! In my dream, I mastrubated continuously till morning"
The one who slept on the right replies : "What a concidence, I had the same dream".
"What did you dream of" they ask, to the one who slept in the middle...
"You maniacs, I was skiing all night" (Northern discipline?)
A guy walks into a bar, sits down on a barstool at the end of the bar counter, and pulls out from underneath his coat a little dinky toy piano and sets it on the bar. Then he pulls out from beneath his coat a little one-foot high guy in a black tux and sets him down on the bar. The little guy goes over to the piano and begins playing "Whiskey River" on it. The bar patrons and the barkeep are all astounded at the sight.
"Is this good for a drink?" the big guy asks the barkeep. "If so, pour me a beer and a shot glass full of beer for my little buddy here."
"Sure," says the still astounded barkeep, and begins pouring the beers. "Where on earth did you find a tiny little man like that?"
"Long story short," the big man says, "I found a magic lamp with a genie in it. The genie gave me one wish, but he was kind of hard of hearing."
"No kidding," says the barkeep, putting the beers down on the bar. "And you wished for THIS little guy?"
"No," says the big guy, picking up the beer and polishing it off, "I wished for a twelve inch penis."
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,"Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention? "The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him "I don't know what
to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
But
you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU
decide
who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't
think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my
shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day!"commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I
can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Frankypanky
05-16-06, 23:46
One of my wife's friends is a lesbian.
One day we got to talking and I asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.
She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might never be a mother.
She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of course.
She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you.":D
Frankypanky
05-17-06, 23:57
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.
"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
Frankypanky
06-04-06, 01:59
"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow."
:D
Straight Shooter
06-04-06, 02:19
Please do not come back at me about being a racist and all as I do not have a racist bone in my body, and my ex is actually a Mexican who I have a beautiful daughter with, and I actually lived in Mexico for several years and love the Mexican people and culture.
Here is the joke and I find it so funny as I can see it happening as so many in the United States look down on them.
Question: When is a Mexican called a Hispanic?.
Answer: When he is your son in law! LOL!
Frankypanky
06-05-06, 00:22
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap on her birthday.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for my birthday. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled:
"The meaning of dreams"... :D
Frankypanky
06-07-06, 23:23
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!
:D :D :D
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually
asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They
retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he
just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He
can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He
decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some
pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and
showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
A Man and a Woman meet in a bar and really have a nice time so the Man says " would you like to come back to my place for coffee and conversation?"
The Woman says "Ok" so off they go.
After some time the Man says " Would you like me to show you around?"
When they arrive at the bedroom the woman is surprised to see the bed head full of teddy bears in different colours and sizes.
Very large at the top, medium size in the middle and small at the bottom.
She thinks at last a sensitive man and agrees to stay.
After a very passionate session she turns to him and says " That was fantastic. How was it for you?"
The Man replies, "Help your self from any bear on the second shelf!"
Frankypanky
06-21-06, 00:18
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study The History Of Your Target:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.:D :D :D
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
:D
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
M8
Frankypanky
06-28-06, 23:40
Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"
"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.
Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.
Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.
"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"
To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
A doctor makes love to his patient. As the day goes on he starts to have second thoughts. " Have I made a mistake? Am I going to get sued? He breaks out into a sweat, he can't concentrate on his patients, he is on the verge of a panic attack!
Just then, the voice in his head started talking..." You're not the first doctor to make love to his patient, you're not the last doctor to make love to his patient. You're single, you're young, it's OK! It's just OK!! He started to calm down then the other voice in his head, the one that always snaps him back to reality piped up "But doctor. You're a veterinarian!
M8
A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm fucked now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"
His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"
Frankypanky
07-05-06, 19:08
A guy was in a bad car accident and after months of recovery he still had a problem. He had to have his penis amputated.
He went to see the doctor and was reassured that he could help.
"First of all you have to pick a new penis," said the doctor.
The physician picked up a box from his table and said, "This is our 6 inch standard model. It is dependable and will cost you only $6000. It comes with a lifetime guarantee."
The man said, "Okay, that's about right, but what's in the other box?"
"This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women. But this will cost you $9,000."
The man said, "Oh yeah, that's the one I want. My wife will love me forever. But does it also come with a lifetime guarantee?"
"Yes"
"What's in the third box?"
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk. "This is our super deluxe model. It's 12 inches of all beef and will drive all the ladies wild. But if you want this much power you'll have to pay $12,000."
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink. "Doc, that's it, that's the one for me. I'll be the envy of everyone I know. But does it have a lifetime guarantee?"
"YES SIR!"
The man had just one more question, "Does it come in white?":D :D :D
BenDover57
07-10-06, 01:33
> A Mexican family found it necessary to put their grandfather into a
> nursing home.
>
> All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him
> in a Jewish home.
>
> After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
>
> "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson
>
> "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
> grandpa.
>
> "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
> for you --- you know, since you are a little different from everyone."
>
> "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
> here," grandpa says with a big smile.
>
> "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the
> violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
>
> "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the
> bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
>
> "And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
> medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
>
> "And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The
> Fucking Mexican!"
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the plan was with substance.
And the assumptions were without form.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their
supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung,
and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their
managers, saying "It is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it"
And the managers went unto their
directors, saying "It is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide it's
strength."
And the directors spoke among themselves
Saying one to the other, "It contains that
which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went to the vice-
presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes
growth, and it is very powerful."
And the vice presidents went unto the
president, saying unto him, "This new plan
will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that is how shit happens!
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon
realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,
"Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer, "she responded. "I use my
experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover
in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I
don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends just call me
Bubba."
Frankypanky
07-11-06, 18:16
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.
Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him. He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
M8
Was watching Kill Bill tonight, and I love this scene, cracks me up every time. Text copied from the movie screen play. Enjoy:
Kill Bill - Prostitution Scene
The main character of the movie, The Bride (Uma Thurman) is in hospital, four years in a coma. The Orderly Buck is running a nice little sideline in pimpin her comatose ass.
THE ORDERLY: Now is that the cutest little blonde pussy you ever saw, or is that the cutest little blonde pussy, YOU-EVEA-SAW?
WARREN: I seen better
THE ORDERLY: Yeah, in a movie - maybe. But I know damn well this is the best pussy you ever saw, you had touchin rights to. The price is seventy five dollars a fuck, you gittin your freak on or what?
WARREN: Yeah
THE ORDERLY: Here's the rules; Rule number one; no punchin 'er. Nurse comes in tomorrow an she got
'er a shiner - or less some teeth, jig's up. So no knuckle sandwiches under no circumstances. And by the way, this little ****'s a spitter - it's a motor reflex thing but spit or no, no punchin. Now are we absolutely positively clear about rule number one?
WARREN: Yeah
THE ORDERLY: Rule number two; No monkey bites, no hickeys - infact no leavin no marks of no kind. But after that, it's allll goooood. Her plummin down there don't work no more, so feel free to cum in 'er all ya wont. Keep the noise down - try not to make a mess, and I'll be back in twenty.
The Orderly turns to leave, then remembers something, and turns back. He takes out the most disgusting jar of vaseline in the history of cinema, and hands it to Warren.
THE ORDERLY: Oh by the way, not all the time, but sometimes this ****'s **** can get drier than a bucket of sand. If she dry, lube up with this and you'll be goo to go. BON-APPETIT.
And with that, The Orderly's gone.
Frankypanky
07-19-06, 11:09
Our airline industry is in real trouble, and it's time to start fixing this before it's too late. To that end, here are some modest suggestions:
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?!
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
:D :D :D
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."
M8
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Frankypanky
08-02-06, 15:02
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
Frankypanky
08-04-06, 22:09
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Three men and two women were stuck in an elevator. While waiting for the repairman to free them, they decided to introduce themselves.
The first man said, "My name is Bill and I'm a YUPPIE: Young Urban Peace-loving Professional Intellectual Ecologist."
The second man said, "My name is Dick and I'm a DINK: Double Income, No Kids."
The third man said, "My name is Wally and I'm a RUB: Rich Urban Biker."
The first woman said, "My name is Sally and I’m a B.I.T.C.H.: Babe In Total Control of Herself!"
They looked at the other woman, "So what about you? What are you?"
She replied, "I'm a WIFE: Wash, Iron, F**K, Etc!"
M8
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/46538/Japanese_Prostitution_Training.html
Check out this training..
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
M8
Organicgrowth
08-15-06, 16:10
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks,
"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your Extreme Holiness! Are there ANY
dwarf nuns anywhere at all in the world?" After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Regards, Havanaman
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin."
"You can take it orally or as a suppository. "
"It is up to you."
Frankypanky
08-19-06, 12:46
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
:D
Frankypanky
08-31-06, 21:25
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you
got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
Frankypanky
09-07-06, 18:33
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"
Needs Kink
09-10-06, 10:52
What do you call two Mexicans having sex?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Fucking Mexicans!
;)
Frankypanky
09-21-06, 22:36
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !
Frankypanky
09-28-06, 21:59
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and no. 13? (Well, a bit risky but still...)
13. Potential Murder Suspect!!!
Frankypanky
10-02-06, 20:21
You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
:D :D :D
LifeSavour
10-02-06, 20:58
I was traveling with my new beautiful 25 yr old sexy BABE wife from Key West to Boston. We were driving! We needed to make it there rather quickly, so WE drove and DROVE....
Late at night I said "we need to stop, sleep 4 hours then go!"
We found a nice BIG hotel and checked in! "Please wake us up at 4am!"
Upon checkout, I inquired about the bill.... "Sir, please $350.00 !"
"$350??? What the Fu*K, your rooms are not that nice!??"
"But, sir we are a 5 * Hotel! We have amenities."
"But I did not use any AMENTIES!" Ok, I will get the manager!
Sir, we have a full size Olympic swimming pool!!!!
"I did not use it"
But you could of!!!!!!!
Sir, we have a TOP Chef in our dining room!!!
"I did not use it"
But you could of!!!!!!!
Sir, we have TOP Las Vegas performers in our lounge!!!
"We did not go to any shows?"
But you could of!!!!!!!
OK, OK.... I WILL PAY!!!!!!!! So I wrote the check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"But Sir, this is 0nly for $50!!!????"
Yes, I am CHARGING you sir $300 for sleeping with my sexy wife!
"hmm, but sir, I DID NOT!!!!"
But she was here, YOU COULD OF!!!!!
LS Guy
Frankypanky
10-15-06, 16:34
jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"what's wrong?" asked jack.
"i've been transferred to new orleans, louisiana," the guy answered. "there's crazy people in new orleans. they have shootings, [CodeWord124] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord124), robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"hold on," jack interrupted. "i've lived there all my life. it's not as bad as the media says. find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
the other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "oh, thank you. i've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, i'll take your word for it. what do you do for a living?"
"me?" said jack. "i'm the tail gunner on a bud lite truck."
LifeSavour
10-15-06, 23:38
jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"what's wrong?" asked jack.
"i've been transferred to new orleans, louisiana," the guy answered. "there's crazy people in new orleans. they have shootings, [CodeWord124] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord124), robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"hold on," jack interrupted. "i've lived there all my life. it's not as bad as the media says. find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
the other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "oh, thank you. i've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, i'll take your word for it. what do you do for a living?"
"me?" said jack. "i'm the tail gunner on a bud lite truck."hey i have liked some of your jokes! but, if ya got anymore like that one, please keep them to yourself!
ls guy
LifeSavour
10-18-06, 07:04
They are both FUN to RIDE!!
Just don't let your Buddies CATCH ya !
LS Guy!
Frankypanky
10-19-06, 01:19
Hey I have liked some of your jokes! But, IF ya got anymore like that one, please keep them to yourself!
LS Guy
Why?
Do you live in N.O.??? It's not THAT bad to walk around in N.O.? I consider it just a joke...
:D
Frankypanky
10-19-06, 01:20
What does a pizza delivery guy have in common with a Gynecologist?
He can smell it but can't eat it!
:D :D :D
LifeSavour
11-02-06, 05:34
An Amusing Word to the Wise The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles. "
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need. A new suit. That'll make me feel a little better. "
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit. "
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. Size 44 long. " Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years! " the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt? " Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure. "
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck. " Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know? "
"Been in the business 60 years. "
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear? " Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure. "
The salesman said, "Let's see. Size 36. " Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. "
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache. "
New suit -- $400 New shirt -- $36 New underwear -- $6 Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
Frankypanky
11-07-06, 00:03
- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
- Communication is something your group is having problems with.
- You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.
- Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.
- Art involves a white board.
- You're already late on the assignment you just got.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a Hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
LifeSavour
11-10-06, 08:43
The young new member of the 'Sisters of the Poor' convent was watching the construction workers dig a new foundation.
Later that day during prayers Mother Superior quizzed "Sister what are you reflecting on today?"
'oh Mother Superior, those men outside. I am praying asking that they change their language!'
"Yes my dear, those men tend to call a 'spade a spade'!
'Oh NO!!! Mother Superior, THEY CALL IT A F'ING SHOVEL!'
PS - check out the photo joke Calling a 'Spade a Spade'!
Frankypanky
11-13-06, 18:45
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7. It comes in such cute containers.
He got an "A".
:D :D :D
Frankypanky
11-26-06, 23:11
A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck! The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused.
How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
:D :D :D
Frankypanky
11-28-06, 23:42
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Frankypanky
12-09-06, 01:12
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles"
:D
Frankypanky
12-10-06, 21:57
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
:D :D :D
Guys, Listen to this!...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oChizeNbViE&eurl=
Turbo Pascal
12-14-06, 12:17
A man was being sued for divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
Appearing before a London divorce court, he was asked to explain what he and his alleged lover were doing in the bedroom in the dark.
"Playing snooker," he said.
The judge then asked him about the passionate noises the wife heard coming from the bedroom. The man wasunfazed.
"Those noises were completely innocent," he assured the court.
"They were actually an expression of surprise or disappointment made when playing a difficult shot."
"But why was the woman nude?" the court asked.
Still unfazed, the man said, "Well she was doing some sewing and
altering her slacks."
The divorce was granted.
Yusta Vansel
12-14-06, 12:48
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.
"Those pills are too strong for me," the farmer thought, and pour the rest into his well.
Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drunk any of the well water, have you?"
No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down.
I see somebody has been reading "The Hun"!
Turbo Pascal
12-25-06, 11:54
A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."
Turbo Pascal
12-25-06, 11:59
An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit.
What is the smallest motel in the world?
The pussy, you have to leave your bags outside.
Yusta Vansel
12-28-06, 08:33
A blonde woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.
After doing this a for a number of aisles a store clerk approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She shakes her head and say "no."
Perplexed he asks why she stops at each aisle and touches her head, ears, breasts, and crotch.
"Oh" say the blonde, "I'm just trying to remember my grocery list."
Puzzeled, he asks for an explanation, so she goes thru the motions again.
She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."
Ears. "Two ears of corn."
Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
Crotch: "Fantastic."
Yusta Vansel
12-28-06, 08:36
Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love. One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."
"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."
Frankypanky
01-03-07, 20:12
Little 3 years old Pete is being washed by his mom, when he discovers his balls for the first time...
"Are these my brain, mommy?", he asks
His moms reply; "No, not yet my dear"
:D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHQzoA-eloE
What is the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish it dies.
This one is good.
A man's wife is in coma in the hospital, and one day the doctor walks in and changes her IV bag. While doing so, he accidentally grazes her breast and she moans. Happily, the doctor runs to the husband and tells him what had happened and tells him to perform oral sex on her because it might liven her up a bit. The husband runs in and quickly starts performing oral sex on her, but he comes back out 3 minutes later, very sad looking. "Well... what happened," the doctor asks. "She's dead," the husband starts crying. "Why?" the doctor says. "She choked."
Tommy Lee has sex with a Groupie. Afterwards she asks him to sign the condom.
Tommy replies "Sorry babe, I dont wanna get shit on my pen"
:D ha ha ha :D
Turbo Pascal
01-15-07, 11:25
Amy was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help and mentioned the power strip to tech support.
The tech told her to flip it off.
Amy said, "Ok, I gave it the finger. I feel much better. Now what do I do?"
Turbo Pascal
01-15-07, 11:27
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Yusta Vansel
01-15-07, 11:46
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.
This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
What do you call an Iraq hooker? Sandy!
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
NicFrenchy
01-30-07, 14:13
My girlfriend always laughs during sex --no matter what she's reading.
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
Don't knock masturbation — it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Lord, grant me chastity and continence... but not yet.
St. Augustine
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.
Jack Nicholson
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Dustin Hoffman
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams
My family never raised me to have a vagina.
Roseanne
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen
Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside.
Alex Walsh
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder
Fellatio is the ULTIMATE act of trust!"
Albert Einstien (look it up)
A woman wants one man to fulfill all of her desires
A man wants all women to fulfill his one desire
Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.
Lord Chesterfield
Yusta Vansel
02-06-07, 11:26
"The pharmacist just insulted me," the woman sobbed to her husband.
Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the store to defend his wife.
"Listen to my side!" the pharmacist pleaded. "First, my alarm didn't go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then I got a flat tire. When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the phone was ringing. After bending to pick up a roll of nickels, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backward, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked up, and your wife asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her."
NicFrenchy
02-11-07, 10:54
When You're Cheating and When You're not.
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
doesn't count
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
doesn't count
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count
5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you
share
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs
for this", doesn't count
7. An old flame, doesn't count
8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity fuck"
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry,
not sex...not cheating
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation
11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in
the family closet "...not cheating
16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it,
it was public right?)
17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"
18. In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion
and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and
erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer
back to rule #1
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did
not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count
21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating
22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "being neighborly"
24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other doesn't count
25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count,
this should be considered " getting aquainted ".
26. An act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate
votes impeachment.
27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!
Turbo Pascal
02-12-07, 11:51
A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body just like New Jersey."
So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"
She replies, "This is Middlesex."
He grabs her butt and asks, "What's this? She replies "Freehold."
Then he grabs her breast and asks, "What's this?" She replies "Point Pleasant."
Finally, he reaches! between her thighs and says, "I guess this is Cherry Hill?"
"No", She replies, "That's Eatontown."
The guy gets so excited that he pulls down his pants and says, "Welcome to Wildwood!"
Yusta Vansel
02-12-07, 12:04
Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?"
LifeSavour
02-12-07, 18:22
The husband had just finished reading a new book, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!"
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.
"After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
Turbo Pascal
02-14-07, 10:42
A lady has a breakdown and pulls to the side of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Emergency flashers -- what else?" she replied.
LifeSavour
02-25-07, 07:49
The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need ... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Bill tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit -- $400
New shirt -- $36
New underwear -- $6
Second Opinion -- PRICELESS
another brilliant classic from the best of craigslist...
=========================
so back in january, before winter arrived, i had just moved into a new apartment on the east side. everyday, like clockwork, a women, a fine looking women at that, would walk by my building, on her way to the park with her dog. me being a dog owner, put two and two together and decided that i would exit my building with my dog as she came by and join her at the park. seemed simple enough, perfect way to break the ice.
plan works perfectly, we walk to the park, chatting the whole way, not only is she hot, she's very personable as well. we get to the park and let the dogs run, off leash. dogs are playing, getting along great, i am getting some very good vibes from her, plan is working. the dogs are about 100 yards away when mine starts to squat, no big deal. i keep talking to her, about 2 minutes go by and she mentions that my dog must be having some problems, i look, sure enough still squatting, and kinda doing a squat crab walk kinda thing.
i pass it off. couple more minutes go by and she says, your dog is really having trouble, yep still squatting, finally i decide i need to go check it out. we walk up there, she gets her dog on the leash and joins me at mine. to my horror, my dog has about 20" of a 54" shoestring hanging out of her ass (i know it was 54" because i had just bought them and also had no clue where they went, mystery solved.) at this point i am completely embarassed.
the women is standing there looking at me, i'm looking at my dog, and i have no clue what to do. i finally get up the courage to grab the shoestring, push my dog, and the remaining 34" of the string comes out. all parties invloved are kinda shocked by what just took place, except my dog is yelping and licking her butt like theres no tomorrow. i am still standing there speechless, finally she breaks the silence with "i have to go". she and her dog high tail it out of the park and i have not seen her since.
so to you, fine looking dog owner, i have to say, the other one came out two days later, all is well. coffee sometime?
another classic from best-of-craigslist...
--------------------------------
do you like a challenge? then take our cat. please.
i first heard about our cat about 6 months ago, when i had not yet moved to philadelphia post-graduation as per my long-standing plans with my best friend from high school. my first impression of the cat was my best friend calling me on my cell phone and asking me how you could tell if a kitten was rabid.
my friend had been walking through clark park late at night with a friend of hers when a thugged-out man who they took to be a mugger emerged from the bushes. he walked toward them, thrust out his hand and just as they were starting to freak out said with a kind of embarrassed air, "can you do something with this? i found it sitting in the street and i didn't want to see it get run over but i can't take it with me."
the guy had a tiny little two-week-old kitten in one hand, and my housemate took it home and fed it with a bottle and all that good samaritan stuff.
she called me up a week later asking if i thought it was rabid because, in her words, "it chews on my fingers and falls over sometimes." i told her that in my experience that's how kittens basically spend most of their waking hours and thought she was overreacting.
well, the kitten wasn't rabid, but neither is he normal. because he was separated from his mother so early, he's emotionally stunted and doesn't like getting petted and will tolerate it for a bit but then start biting and scratching. the only times i ever hear him purr are when he pretend-nurses on something soft; there's a scarf of mine he particularly enjoys making out with.
because my housemate didn't knock him around like a mother cat would have when she was nursing him in august he never really learned how to play nice, so when i got there in september, he was this tiny little bouncing ball of teeth and claws and aggression who would only react to attempted discipline with the cat equivalent of "oh yeah? oh yeah?? fuck youuuuuuuu!!" he is just not cowable, as ridiculously outsized as he was and still is. now he is larger (about 8 pounds, i'd say) and less aggressively hyper but still kind of destructive when he gets bored.
the cat also had a really horrible case of fleas for a while, which took us hundreds of dollars and a lot of sleepless, stare-at-the-ceiling-while-intermittently-slapping-your-arm-in-a-panic nights. he no longer has the fleas, through great effort on our part.
i was not present the first time we took the cat to the vet, but my housemate warned him about the cat's temperament. the vet laughed it off, said he'd seen everything. when we picked the cat up, the same vet brought out the cat all sedated in his kitty carrier, and he looked pretty harried.
"well," he said, "he's certainly rambunctious."
another story: when my friends first came over to meet the kitten, they were so amazed at how "rambunctious" he was that they suggested that he had to be the the result of some sort of bizarre and possibly depraved feral street cat/ocelot sex.
so here's the deal:
my best friend, the one who originally got the cat in the park, just moved out a couple of weeks ago, leaving the cat with my two housemates, who hate the cat with a passion, and me. she can't take him with her where she is now, so we're essentially stuck with this cat. however...
we can't live with this cat anymore. my housemates hate him and always have, and are in fact in favor of just dropping him off at a farm somewhere and letting him live off the land. i have scratches all up and down my forearms all the time from his "playing" and people look at me funny.
he appears to give off an extremely potent dander which particularly seems to affect men. i just went to the doctor and she says that i do not in fact have a persistent cold, and that i, along with every man my housemates and i have brought to the house in the past six months, am allergic to the cat. i have never been allergic to a cat in my life, which makes this particularly weird.
so if you like a challenge, or healing troubled cat psyches, then take my cat. in the spirit of full disclosure:
things which may be off-putting about the cat:
* he plays rough to the point that my hands and forearms are constantly covered with scratches
* he doesn't really appreciate being petted other than occasionally being scratched under the chin when he's sleepy
* he never really learned how to do the mutton-leg form of licking his own butt/genitalia (one leg straight up in the air), and so devised his own method, which is: sit back on his ass like a fat man, spread his legs and wash his junk directly at you
* when he wants attention or is bored, he will stare deliberately at you while knocking over things like glasses of water and ashtrays
* if you have small pets such as rodents or fish, he will probably find a way to kill them.
* he will stare at you intently while you're making out with someone on the couch
* gives off enough dander to kill a man (and occasionally a woman)
things in the cat's favor:
* he is fixed, fully vaccinated and healthy
* he never [CodeWord133] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord133) or [CodeWord115] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord115) outside his box
* if you have any sort of pests, he will ruthlessly kill them
* he seems to get on well with the female cat that lives upstairs when they occasionally meet in the foyer
* he is absolutely fearless, which i find endearing (you can vacuum him and he just sits there and looks at you quizzically)
* he is really, really cute - to demonstrate this, i have attached three pictures in decreasing order of age-of-cat and these two videos.
i realize that this description of the cat might not be the best way to get someone to adopt him. but i just wanted to have a policy of complete and total transparency about this cat, because... i genuinely think that he could learn how to be a good cat in a house where he's not left alone quite as much as he is in an apartment with two college students who are only home two or three days a week and one 23-year-old with two jobs that keep me out of the house most of the time and exhausted the rest of the time.
i won't take him to a shelter, because he wouldn't ever be adopted with his behavior problems and i know they'd probably just end up putting him down.
so take our cat... please. he comes with litterbox, litter, food bowls, food, a kitty carrier and our eternal gratitude.
---------------
it turns out there is a happy ending:
search for mekon on craigslist.
edit - now that mekon is on best of craigslist and i have tons of people asking what ended up happening to him, i guess i'll put it here.
i actually did manage to find mekon a good home; since late february he is living on a farm with (hilariously enough) a herd of fainting goats, which have minor seizures and fall over when they are surprised. as seen here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_cd...
also on the farm are four large dogs, another tough cat and some horses, and it's all very idyllic and the woman who took him in says he's running around and killing small animals and having a grand old time. so it all worked out very well! hooray for craig and his list! (more) (less)
-------------------
what i find truly commendable is that the original poster didn't put the cat down, despite the amount of trouble the cat caused. hooray for good-hearted people in the world!
another best-of craigslist - perhaps all time best:
=========================
we have a dog by the name of kismet. he came to us in the summer of 2001 from the rescue program i was heavily involved with. for those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.
like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. he will only sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get without actually performing a french kiss on me. lest you think this is a bad case of no discipline, i should tell you that hubby and i tried every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate bedroom for several nights. the new door cost over $200. but i digress.
five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. although the cost of the project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue and it got me out of cooking thanksgiving dinner for family, extended family and a lot of friends that i like more than family most of the time. i was, however, assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for a delayed celebration among friends this past weekend. i am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. it was the only appliance in the whole house that worked, thus the assignment.
i made the decision to cook the rolls on friday evening to reheat on saturday morning. since the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odor. not wanting the rolls to smell like sherwin williams latex paint #586, i put the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. after 3 hours, hubby and i decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour.
an hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. it was 8:30pm. when i went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. i called out to kismet and my worst nightmare became a reality. he literally wobbled over to me. he looked like a combination of the pillsbury dough boy and the michelin tire man wrapped up in fur. he groaned when he walked. i swear even his cheeks were bloated.
i ran to the phone and called our vet. after a few seconds of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be ok, however, i needed to give him pepto bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. god only knows why i thought a dog would like pepto bismol any more than kids do when they are sick.
suffice to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black, white and pink. he was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the night.
naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was very stupid on my part. we arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing; took the dogs out to relieve themselves. well, kismet was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. he was running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the floor or headed 90 degrees in another direction. he couldn't lift his leg to [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134), so he would just walk and [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134) at the same time.
when he ran down the small incline in our backyard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up running into the fence. his pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. i endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk. he assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours and to keep giving him pepto bismol.
afraid to leave him by himself in the house, hubby and i loaded him up and
took him with us to our friend's house. a 10 to 15 minute drive. rolls firmly secured in the car (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between hubby and i, we took off.
now i know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when i say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, dogs will burp. these burps were pure old charter. they would have matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. but that's not the worst of it. now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. god strike me dead if i am not telling the truth! we endured this for the entire trip, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.
once kismet was firmly placed in my friend's garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our celebration with friends. the dog was the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk dog, each returning with a tale of kismet's latest endeavor to walk without running into something.
of course, as the old adage goes, "what goes in must come out," and kismet was no exception. granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. i discovered this was a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave my friend's house. having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.
this was another naive decision on our part. the blast of water from the hose hit the [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) on the floor, and the [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. it was like portland cement beginning to set up and cure. we finally tried to remove it with a shovel. i (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the floor.
and as if this wasn't degrading enough, the dog in his drunken state had walked through the [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) and left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.
well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our second celebration at another friend's house.
i am happy to report that as of today (monday) the dog is back to normal both in size and temperament. he has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. none the worse for wear i presume.
i am also happy to report that just this evening i found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door. it appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea.
now, i'm doing research on the computer as to how to clean unbaked dough from the carpet, and how was your day?
Organicgrowth
03-17-07, 18:28
a senior citizen drove his brand new bmw z4 convertible out of
the car salesroom. taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
amazing!" he thought as he flew down the m1, enjoying pushing the pedal
to the metal even more. looking in his rear view mirror,he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"i can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then120, then 130mph. suddenly, he thought, "what on earth am i doing? i'm too old for this nonsense!" so he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the bmw, looked at his watch and said, "sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. today is friday and i'm taking off for the weekend. if you can give me a reason why you were speeding that i've never heard before, i'll let you go."
the man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "years
ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. i thought you were bringing her back."
"have a good day, sir," said the policeman
Why are women so expensive?
Because the meat is center cut.
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for It. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!.-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they
Drown out your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl! " but my mother raised me not to
Say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the
Price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. And your silk boxers were $49. 99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when I
Got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope
You have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed. Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and
wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she
let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about
to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that! ]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really? ]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far! ]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipe thoroughly! ]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy! ]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos! ]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial! ]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect! ]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think? ]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought! ]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something! ]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? ]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge! ]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough? ! ]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans! ]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken? ]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall! ]
And the winner is.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is O K.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful,
sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this
house and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."'
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating
creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was
very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for
three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young
thing, practically inhaled them.
Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw
them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you
no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse
that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have
good taste.
I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't
wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought
at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your
co-worker wearing the same pair.
After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned
around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me,
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use.....!!!!!"
Turbo Pascal
04-24-07, 10:54
A Texas Redneck was driving his old pick up truck down the road with his
girlfriend at his side when all of a sudden the truck started to buck and
stall. With that, he said to his girlfriend that he had to get a new truck.
He walked down the block and found a GMC dealership. Once inside a sales
lady approaches him and says, "Sir, may I help you".
He looks at a hummer and says to the saleslady, "How much for a hummer?"
She replies, well they start at $49,000 and go up from there.
He says, "$49,000. That's a lot of money, I can get one a lot cheaper!"
The saleslady assures him that she has the lowest prices in the state of
Texas. Then she says, "Sir if you can get a hummer cheaper than what I will
give it to you for, I will give you the key to this truck right now."
With that, the Redneck walks out, gets his girlfriend, brings her into the
dealership and says, "Honey, will you give me a hummer for $50.00.
She says, "Hell yes."
He turns to the saleslady and asks, "Where do I pick up my keys to that new
truck?"
Turbo Pascal
04-24-07, 10:58
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded places a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk."
The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.
The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town.
Same results. She says, "I'll walk." And she does.
The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes
Her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for.
Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I
was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching
gonorrhea."
Yusta Vansel
04-24-07, 11:03
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
Yusta Vansel
04-24-07, 11:04
"Mom, I'm pregnant," announced a girl.
"How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom.
"That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and
went with the biggest."
Cooler Wolf2
04-25-07, 12:25
A group of women go the bar after work.
After a few glasses of wine, the conversation turns to sex.
One of the women suddenly declares that that she and her husband usually ended up in the doggie position in bed.
While her friends stared at her, she then added: "Yes, hubby sits up and begs. And I roll over and play dead."
Jake Monger
04-25-07, 15:49
Looks like another future Monger.
Jake Monger
04-26-07, 19:20
I thought I was in the pic section of jokes, my fault for not being more careful. When I hear of a good verbal joke I will post here to make up for it.
Jake
Turbo Pascal
05-25-07, 12:36
a woman goes to her doctor's office,to discuss a strange development.
she has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. they won't
wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
the doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
a few days later, the woman's phone rings. much to her relief, it's the
doctor.
she immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
the doctor says, "you're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. but i'm
wondering, is your boyfriend a harley guy?"
the woman stammers, "why, yes, but how did you know?"
"tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Turbo Pascal
05-25-07, 12:38
Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of
nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.
After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.
"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.
When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
Yusta Vansel
05-28-07, 12:40
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.
"What's this for?" she asked her husband.
"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating."
"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
Yusta Vansel
05-28-07, 12:43
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:
1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go"
4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8) Airplanes don't come with in-Iaws.
9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
Yusta Vansel
05-28-07, 12:46
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.
"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know - why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"
"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."
Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"
Fred: "What - and have a house full of kids???"
Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they fucking smell
While in China , a man (Asian Rain?) was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom every time. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he woke one morning to find his willy covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor. The doctor, having never seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man
to return in two days for the results.
The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said: "I've
got bad news --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looked a little perplexed and said: "Well, give me a shot
or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answered: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're
going to have to amputate."
The man screamed in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion."
The doctor replied: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want
to, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he would know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his
willy and proclaimed: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
The guy replied: "Yeah, yeah, I already know all that, but what
can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
willy!"
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need
to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man exclaimed.
"Yes," said the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.
Willy faw off by itself!
Turbo Pascal
07-05-07, 12:16
A husband and his wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said," I'll bet you cant tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few minutes, then said "How much are you willing to bet."
"One hundred dollars!"said the boisterous husband.
"That's all ?" inquired the wife.
"Ok, two hundred." "Not to sure of yourself, are you.?" Teased his wife Feeling pretty good, the hubby announced. Ok "Five hundred "
His wife twinkled her nose and calmly said. "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."
Turbo Pascal
07-05-07, 12:19
a man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "doc, you've got to help me. i can't go on like this."
"what's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"well, i'm 35 years old and i still have no luck with the ladies. no matter how hard i try, i just seem to scare them away."
"my friend, this is not a serious problem. you just need to work on your self-esteem. each morning, i want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, an attractive person. but say it with real conviction.
within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
the man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"it worked alright. for the past several weeks i've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"so, what's your problem?"
"i don't have a problem," the man replied. "my wife does."
Yusta Vansel
07-06-07, 08:31
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette's word was quizzical.
The redhead's word was photosynthesis.
The blonde's word was dick.
Yusta Vansel
07-06-07, 08:34
There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.
The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.
After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.
She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???
If you don’t leave a message, you will know why I didn’t call you back.
If you leave a message, I still won’t call you back, and you will worry why I didn’t.
Don’t worry yourself, don’t leave a message!
=================================================
Hello, and welcome to the mental health automated self help hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 or 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press: no one will answer. Life is an exercise in futility.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have ADHD, press-- ...oooh shiny!
If you're clinically depressed, just do it now and save a low-paid worker in India the trouble of listening to you.
===================================================
You've called the Self Help Interactive Telephone Service (or S.H.I.T.S.)
If you have the shits, press 1
If you have the shits with someone, press 2
If you are full of shit, press 3
If you want to give someone shit, press 4
If you want someone to give you shit, press 5
If you want shit to happen, press 6
If you haven't pressed anything yet, you obviously don't give a shit
Neither do we... goodbye!
===================================================
You've got the machine.
I'm screening calls 'cause there's someone I don't want to talk to so .
Leave a message, and if I don't get back to you, you'll know it's you!
After a long egagement Sam and Jennifer are married.
During their engagement whenever Sam wanted sex he had to pay his fiancee
50 dollars.
After marriage he still pays 50 dollars whenever he wants to have sex with his wife.
They have a good marriage but 20 years later his business goes wrong he is bankrupt.
He goes home by foot his business, his car everything is gone.
He says to his wife I have had a bad day.
She says lets eat we will talk about it after dinner.
He tells his wife what has happened and she says:
Do not worry, look at that appartment building across the street.
He looks at the building and says so what?
It is mine I bought it from the money you paid me all those years.
She says look at the large building behind it with shops.
Is that yours too?
No it could have been if you f*****d me more often!
Turbo Pascal
07-26-07, 16:17
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
Turbo Pascal
07-26-07, 16:20
DEAR DAIRY
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.
TUESDAY! I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.
WEDNESDAY! The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and gentleman.
THUESDAY! Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if do not give in to his indecent proposals!
FRIDAY This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice!!!
Yusta Vansel
07-26-07, 17:06
An older couple was lying in bed one night...
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
Yusta Vansel
08-04-07, 23:44
a pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. she began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"miss jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until
today you have never undergone an eye examination."
Turbo Pascal
08-17-07, 14:57
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some
word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want
the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,
2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter,
and
3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL"
and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits
until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I
told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went
under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you
said, and he then took his hands out and said;
"What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your"Grill" to cook!!"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is
no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too,
didn'tyou?"
"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and
was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it
out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."
Turbo Pascal
08-17-07, 14:59
Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.
The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."
"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.
The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."
Turbo Pascal
08-17-07, 15:01
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left my baby on the RTA bus again!"
Yusta Vansel
08-17-07, 15:09
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs"
Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
Yusta Vansel
08-18-07, 11:36
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all.
If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex.
And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink.
If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.
If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
Yusta Vansel
08-18-07, 11:38
The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting,
"I won! I won! That guy is so stupid!"
Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?"
"Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet
me a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a thing, and I won!"
Copacabana
08-21-07, 12:57
When out for dinner alone the other night, I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman I spotted dining alone.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there, " indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply note to me.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it me.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. "
After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
A well dressed woman entered a branch of de Rothschild Bank and asked about the facilities for the investment of her capital.
After she made it clear that it concerns a considerable sum of money the clerk agrees that it is best to discuss the matter with Baron de Rothschild in person.
The appointment is made for the next Thursday at two o'clock.
Next Thursday she arrives in the company of an elder gentleman.
They meet the Baron, discuss business with him and are about to leave when the baron asks:" Just to satisfy my curiosity what kind of business are you in?"
The lady answers:" I take on bets on anything people want"
Mr de Rothschilds answers: " That is interesting you earn your money with gambling and I am most interested in securities."
The lady answers "I think I can offer you a nice bet that must be very tempting for you.
I would like to make a bet with you that in four weeks time your testicles will be square in stead of round like they are now.
When they do not change I will pay you 400.000 euro.
When they do change you pay me the same amount".
The baron smiles and says Madame that is not very likely, I am afraid you will loose the bet and as your banker I do not like it to see you loose this kind of money.
The lady insists and de Rothschild thinks, I allways work with securities maybe it is nice to take on this proposition.
Both agree to set up the bet.
They each put 400.000 euro in a special account and say goodbye.
In the weeks that follow the Baron checks his private parts every morning before he dresses to go to the office.
Nothing happens and even on the last day of the bet there is no change.
Exactly on time his new client arrives in his office in a cheerfull mood.
Again she is in the company of an older gentleman.
De Rothschild explains that he has checked the items the bet is about and says he is sorry to see his new client loose a considerable sum of money.
Well I will keep my end of the deal of course but before I release the money in the account would you mind if I checked the condition of your testicles?
After all this is about 400.000 euro!
The Baron thinks that is reasonable, he takes his trousers off and his underware.
The lady kneels in front of him touches his testicles and says you have won the bet to de Rothschild.
She signes a form and releases the money in the account.
The Baron says "I do not understand. From the money you invested I take it you are succesfull but the first bet with me you loose a lot of money.
The lady says that may seem so but I made a bet for 1.000.000 euro with this gentleman here that I would have your balls in my hand this afternoon.
A guy is going to leave for Africa on company business.
The trip will take him to many countries in Africa and will last six months.
He has everything well organized and meets a good friend about a week befor he leaves.
They discuss the trip and the friend says I take it you have thought about condoms for your stay over there?
No I am rather shy and do not want to ask for those at the drugstore.
The friend says buy some aspirin and at the same time order the condoms.
He asks for a box of apsirin and in a low voice orders the condoms as well.
The nice blond girl at the drugstore hands him the aspirin, puts a wrapper around the condoms and says that will be 4 dollars.
He meets the friend who advised him and says I have got them!
The friend says how many? He shows the package with 3 condoms.
That is not enough you fool get some more.
So this guy goes back several times and each time asks for aspirin and condoms.
The girl tells the story about this customer when she meets the owner of the drugstore.
Next time the girl has a day off and the owner of the store is serving customers.
He too gets the order, aspirin and condoms.
Sir, I do not mind selling these to you but if you get a headache every time you fuck you better see a doctor!
no official announcement has yet been made, but unofficial word is that the republican national committee will soon be starting a book club to promote the works of republican authors. it will be known as the gop book club. there have not yet been any press releases, but i was fortunate enough to get a peek at some of the titles in preparation, and i decided to share them with some of my friends. so here is a selection of some forthcoming titles soon to be published by prominent republicans:
"building a lasting marriage: a guide for men in public life" by rudy giuliani, john mccain, fred thompson, and newt gingrich. foreword by dr. james c. dobson, focus on the family.
"the rewards of marital fidelity" by rudy giuliani and newt gingrich. foreword by dr. dobson.
"trophy wife" by cindy mccain and jeri thompson.
"sharper than a serpent's tooth: the pain of ungrateful children" by rudy giuliani.
"the corrupting influence of money on politics" by tom delay, duke cunningham, jack abramoff, and george ryan.
"the evils of prostitution" by sen. david vitter.
"running a clean campaign: fighting fair in the political arena" by karl rove. foreword by g. gordon liddy.
"emergency preparedness: effective response to environmental catastrophes" by michael d. brown, michael chertoff, and george w. bush.
"quick and decisive responsive to terrorist insurgencies" by donald rumsfeld and robert gates. foreword by robert mcnamara.
"winning the hearts and minds of indigenous populations" by l. paul bremer. foreword by william westmoreland.
"miscegenation: a threat to american cultural identity" by strom thurmond (published posthumously).
"responsible use of firearms" by dick cheney. foreword by charlton heston.
"it all started with demosthenes: a guide to effective public oratory" by george w. bush.
"just say no!" by thomas ravenel. foreword by judge douglas ginsburg.
"on the yard: the view from the inside" by duke cunningham, jack abramoff, and george ryan. foreword by john w. dean.
"having fun with teenage boys" by mark foley.
these are the only titles i could find to date by these eminent republican authors. however, since approximately 17 months remain in the bush administration, i am sure that more publications will be forthcoming for our amusement and edification. happy reading!
A man marries a thrice widowed lady. On their wedding night, she confides in him that she is still a virgin.
The man was quite taken aback, and asked for an explanation. She replied that her first husband had a horrible war wound that prohibited sex. The second was gay, and the third was a democrat.
He then said, "Well, I can understand the first two, but what does being a democrat have to do with anything?"
She replied "well, he spent all his time telling me how great our love life was going to be, but he never actually DID anything."
FLASH (no pun intended)! New addition to GOP Book Club titles:
"Etiquette in Airport Restrooms" by Senator Larry Craig (REPUBLICAN-Idaho)
Summer Vacation In Jamaica...
A Lady goes on a summer vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a Jamaican man, and after a night of passionate (sex) love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you," the Jamaican man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow!" the Jamaican man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the Jamaican man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of my name."
The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"
Proof read your kids school work.
Proof read your kids school work.
But don't let this guy do it, since he could not write a six word sentence correctly.
Look....
http://www.redtube.com/6303
The problem here is very simple... Is the dog doing a hand or a foot job ???? :(
IT
Sex & calories
The accuracy of the following data is mirrored by the smile on your face!
Calories loss from having sex
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent - 12 Calories
Without her consent - 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands - 8 Calories
With one hand - 12 Calories
With your teeth - 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection - 6 Calories
Without an erection - 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary - 12 Calories
69 lying down - 78 Calories
69 standing up - 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow - 216 Calories
Doggy Style - 326 Calories
Italian chandelier - 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real - 112 Calories
Fake - 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging - 18 Calories
Getting up immediately - 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately - 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years - 36 Calories
30-39 years - 80 Calories
40-49 years - 124 Calories
50-59 years - 1,972 Calories
60-69 years - 7,916 Calories
70 and over - Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. - 32 Calories
In a hurry - 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door - 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door - 13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
69 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher and since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Gangar Bangar
09-13-07, 17:51
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
:p
Turbo Pascal
10-15-07, 09:54
After his exam the doctor said to Mendel an elderly man, "You appear
to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like
to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said Mendel. "After I have sex I am usually hot and
sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would
like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do
you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time
is usually in August and the second time is in January."
Turbo Pascal
10-15-07, 10:01
A man went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."
"Why?" she asked him.
"Never mind!" replied man. "I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"
"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.
"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"
Yusta Vansel
10-15-07, 10:08
The attractive blonde yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks.
"I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising, darling, considering the number of times you've been inoculated."
Turbo Pascal
10-23-07, 06:55
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window."
Turbo Pascal
10-23-07, 06:57
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home. He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped. "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
Turbo Pascal
10-23-07, 06:59
Jill wanted a divorce from Todd. The judge asked, "What fault do you find
with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."
"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"
"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."
"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
Todd shouted out, "She did too!"
Yusta Vansel
10-23-07, 07:11
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.
A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked, "What kind of a place is this?"
"This is a brothel," replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Yusta Vansel
10-23-07, 07:16
Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the
last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the
wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going
to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all
over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the
broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You
see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment
and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's
the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And
your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with
a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over
for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do
the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours
of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she
responded breathlessly. "Incredible," he said, "Thirty-five years
old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Ninguno Especial
11-08-07, 04:03
Redneck and the Nymphomaniac
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Once upon a time there was a big war, all brothel are closed, what you can see all the soldiers with their uniform. Life getting harder and harder. But man need satifaction. There goes one soldier (off course it is from US amy trop), He search from lane to lane but all are expensive. Dolar are droping down at this day.
After seaching a few hour, desperately this soldier begin leaving thi dark lane. Suddenly a touch on his shoulder.
' wan dola in wan dola out'. DEAL! Said the trooper. After finding the proper place. The begin strippinppp. "WAN" as the 1 st penetration. He close his eye and feel this delicious hole for a few minute. "TO" as he withdraw. " TRE" as he penetrate. Minute goes bye. Nearly one hr. This gals feel shit. " re you Making Baybi? . With her red face. With a shit face this soldier say. "NO. Mem. I. I. Just remember I only got 3 dolah.
This guy is chatting up this lady at a bar. She is a really fit early 50 something lady and she says to him "have you ever had a sportsman trophy?"
He says "What is that"
She says "It is a mother daughter threesome"
He is thinking "Man your daughter must be a hottie"
So after a few shots she says "So do you wanna take me up on my offer?"
He is like "OK"
So they go back to the ladys house and she turns on the light and screams "Mom are you still up!"
After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything! "
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you. " I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for! "
I don't think she'll be back.
John sees his friend driving a recent SUV. The SUV seems familiar.
The SUV stops at a butcher shop John says Hi Peter nice car you are driving.
Is not that Lindas car?
Yes it was Lindas, she gave it to me.
Gave it to you?
Yes last week we drove throught the woods all of a sudden she put the car in 4WD drove to a quiet spot where ordinary cars can not go.
She got out of the car took all her clothes of and said to me: take anything you want.
Her clothes would not fit me so I took the car!
capeeshe italiano........
i'm posting this for every person who is italian, could be italian, married an italian, lived with italians or wants to be italian......!!!!!
let's start at the beginning.
come stai? molto bene. bon giorno. ciao. arrivederci. every italian from italy knows these words and ev ery italian-american should.
but what about the goomba speech pattern? those words and phrases that are a little italian, a little american, and a little slang . words every paesano and bacciagaloop we have heard, - words we hear throughout our little italy neighborhood of new york
this form of language, the "goomba-italiano " has been used for generations. it's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real guido talk!
the goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. he says mama mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. capeesh?
he uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz or a mezzo-finookio.
there are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa.
if you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. a crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you use it right. don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .
if you are feeling mooshadda or stounad or mezzo-morto, always head to nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ', or some ricotta cheesecake.
mangia some zeppoles, canolis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. delizioso! i think i will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza .
so salud' if you have any italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas
if you don't get any of this, then fa nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. scuzi, mia dispiachay, i didn't mean that....... just....... fugheddaboudit
" capeesh?"
On their wedding night,
the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day,
she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes,
he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
which showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him
certificates of deposits
issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than
three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results
of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes,
men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.
FadeToJade
12-14-07, 05:46
After a semester in Italy I really appreciate your post--I learned more cuss words in Italian than I can remember now. But in those days the Italian women were fat and prudish. I tried so hard to get laid by an Italian chick but boinked several American girls who were tired of their Italian boy friends.
Women do not know much about the Navy so it may be usefull to ask them about their knowledge of the navy and give them some information.
The country a Navy ship belongs to can be found by reading the letters on the bow of the ship.
Ask a girl what letters are on an American ship belonging to the Navy.
Help her a bit and explain it reads USN meaning United States Navy.
What can you find on the bow of an English Navy vessel?
Explain there are three letters: H.M.S. meaning: Her Majesties Service.
Now what can you read on the bow of an Italian Navy ship?
Ther are four letters: T.I.M.S meaning?
"Tiss isse mai sjippu"
The boss had to cut staff and he narrowed it to one of two people; Debra or Jack. It was a difficult decision since they both were great employees. Rather than flipping a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water fountain the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover. She went to the water fountain to take some aspirin.
The boss approached her and said "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off. "
"Could you jack off? " she said. "I feel like shit today!"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent". The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent they stink terribly." "Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
a guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. he puts the alligator up on the bar. he turns to the astonished patrons. "i'll make you a deal. i'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. he'll then open his mouth and i'll remove my unit unrep001hed. in return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. " the crowd murmured their approval. the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. the gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. after a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. the gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unrep001hed as promised. the crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. the man stood up again and made another offer. "i'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". a hush fell over the crowd. after a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. a woman timidly spoke up. "i'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
capeeshe italiano........
i'm posting this for every person who is italian, could be italian, married an italian, lived with italians or wants to be italian......!!!!!
let's start at the beginning.
come stai? molto bene. bon giorno. ciao. arrivederci. every italian from italy knows these words and ev ery italian-american should.
but what about the goomba speech pattern? those words and phrases that are a little italian, a little american, and a little slang . words every paesano and bacciagaloop we have heard, - words we hear throughout our little italy neighborhood of new york
this form of language, the "goomba-italiano " has been used for generations. it's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real guido talk!
the goomba says ciao when he arrives or leaves. he says mama mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. mannaggia, meengya, oofah, and of course, va fongool can also be used. capeesh?
he uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz or a mezzo-finookio.
there are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a facia-bruta, puttana or a schifosa.
if you are called cattivo, cabbadost, sfatcheem, stupido, or strunz, you are usually a pain in the ass. a crazy diavlo can give you the malokya (evil eye), but that red horn (contra malokya) will protect you if you use it right. don't forget to always say per favore and grazia and prego .
if you are feeling mooshadda or stounad or mezzo-morto, always head to nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ', or some ricotta cheesecake.
mangia some zeppoles, canolis, torrone, struffoli, shfoolyadell', pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on pannetone. delizioso! i think i will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some proshoot and mozarell' or maybe just a hot slice of peetza .
so salud' if you have any italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas
if you don't get any of this, then fa nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. scuzi, mia dispiachay, i didn't mean that....... just....... fugheddaboudit
" capeesh?"
capisci italiano........
...........
come stai? molto bene. buon giorno. ciao. arrivederci. every italian from italy knows these words and ev ery italian-american should.
but what about the goomba (cumpŕ) speech pattern? those words and phrases that are a little italian, a little american, and a little slang . words every paesano and bacciagaloop we have heard, (i'm 47yo italian 100% and i've never heard this word)- words we hear throughout our little italy neighborhood of new york
this form of language, the "goomba-italiano " (cumpŕ italiano) has been used for generations. it's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real guido talk!
the goomba (cumpŕ) says ciao when he arrives or leaves. he says mamma mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. mannaggia, meengya, uffa, and of course, vaffanculo can also be used. capito?
he uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz (?) or a mezzo-finocchio.
there are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a faccia-brutta, puttana or a schifosa.
if you are called cattivo, capatosta (napoletaner slang for dull/slow - not italian), sfaccimm' (also this one from neaples not italian), stupido, or stronzo (shit), you are usually a pain in the ass. a crazy diavolo can give you the malocchio (evil eye), but that red horn (contro malocchio) will protect you if you use it right. don't forget to always say per favore and grazie and prego .
if you are feeling mooshadda (i really don't know this word) or stounad (i really don't know this word) or mezzo-morto, always head to nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ' (also these are slang from neaples), or some ricotta cheesecake.
mangia some zeppole, cannoli, torrone, struffoli, sfogliatelle, pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on panetone. delizioso! i think i will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some prosciutto and mozarella or maybe just a hot slice of pizza .
so salud' if you have any italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas
if you don't get any of this, then fa nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. scuzi, mia dispiace, i didn't mean that....... just....... fugheddaboudit(che c...zo - f.ck - vuol dire?)i
this more understandable also for italian people, an not only for the ones who lives in neaples
don't be hurted friend, it is not my intention, neither joking you
friendly
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new patch every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson
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