What does a right boob say to left boob?
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What does a right boob say to left boob?
[b]"Inquisition II: The MBI-trix"[/b]
Starring "The Orlando *****mongers"
and MBI Detective Ray Peters as Himself
[Peters and Trout, in the infamous MBI interrogation room.]
Agent Peters: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Trout. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken.
[Pulls out the "Trout Dossier," hardcopies of all Trout's "fiction" as well as a psycho-analysis prepared by the MBI profilers.]
Agent Peters: As you can see, [shuffles through the pages] we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Trout. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Kilgore T. Trout, night manager of a popular 24-hour convenience store, you have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the *****board alias [i]Headhunter[/i] and are guilty of virtually every morality crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Trout. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself [i]Iron Worker[/i]. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
Trout: Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call.
Agent Peters: Um, Mr. Trout. You disappoint me.
Trout: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.
Agent Peters: Tell me, Mr. Trout, what good is a phone call if you're unable to speak... [evil laugh] Mr. Trout, may I call you Kilgore? Thanks, I think I will. Actually, Kilgore, I somewhat enjoy your writing, and the celebrity status it has given me. But beware, you will slip up one day, and I will be there to nail your ass to the proverbial cross when you do. You are free to go now, but remember: I am watching.
Trout: Tell me Ray, you don't get laid much do you? Listen, I know this young black cutie who will suck you raw until your prostate positively begs for mercy. Forget this moral crusade of yours, and join [i]Iron Worker[/i] and I on the dark side. We know you secretly envy us. And with your power, just think of what a great monger you could become. We are not criminals: we just like sex, and lots of it. Now tell me, is that so wrong? Give it a try, Ray my boy, you just might like it... [evil laugh]
Sorry but gotta ask you guys(& gals) how serious is this white wedding dress thing? Don't most women who have been screwing still wear a white dress during wedding??
I dunno, my ex gf use to say she would want a beige dress.
DJ
Welcome to RN's Useless Trivia 101:
The white wedding dress is only a relatively new concept, made popular by Queen Victoria in the late 1800's. In biblical times, BLUE was actually the symbol of purity...which is why the Virgin Mary is always portrayed wearing a blue dress and veil. (I read waaaay too many history books. I'm such a dork). These days I think it's just considered "the norm" to wear white, or variations of it, just as it's expected that you will wear black to a funeral. Although, very traditional people (like Italian Catholics for example) still seem to take the "white dress/virginity" thing pretty seriously. Some women probably still feel pressured by their families to keep up appearances.
I'm not into white weddings. I got married in an ivory dress. If I ever get married again, I'll be wearing a medieval gown with long flowing sleeves, flowers in my hair and bare feet...and there will be a feast afterwards, complete with bar wenches in low-cut corsets serving grog. *grin*
Hey RN! Thanks =)
(Too bad we didn't make it to Bali ;-)
Funny article from the Onion about prostitution. Kind of old but still funny.
http://www.theonion.com/onion3208/sexforsecurity.html
So these newlywed Italians arrive at their hotel after the ceremony. But they can't figure out what they are supposed to do. So the Italian boy calls up his Mom and says, "hey Mom...help me out, what am I supposed to do?"
She says, "now honey, just snuggle together on the couch, and you'll figure it out."
So he hangs up and they start snuggling on the couch, but pretty soon they can't figure out what to do next. So the boy calls his Mom back up and says, "ok Mom, we've been snuggling, what do we do next?"
She says, "now son, just start kissing and you'll figure out what else to do."
So he hangs up, and starts making out with his new wife, but they can't figure out what to do next. So he calls back his Mom.
"Mom, we've been kissing, but now what?"
"Ok, son, now listen closely. Take your longest thing and put it in her hairiest thing."
"Ok, mom, I'll give it a try."
A few minutes later, his mom's phone rings:
"Ok, mom. I've got my nose in her armpit, now what do I do?"
A wealthy, older man approaches a woman in a bar and says, "My dear, you are simply one of the most attractive women I have ever seen. I would like to know, would you have sex with me if I paid you one million dollars?"
The girl says "Why yes of course I would."
"Well, would you have sex with me if I paid you five dollars?" he asks.
"Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?" she answers haughtily.
"My dear," he replies, "We've already established what kind of woman you are, now I'm just haggling on the price."
A Scot goes to Dublin for his first visit. On his way to the pub he passes a couple of wee Irish lassies. They ask him, "We are curious: Is anything worn under your kilt?" He responds, "Nay, lassies, 'tis as good as it ever was," and proceeds to the pub where he gets really drunk. Heading back to his hotel, he trips and falls in a ditch. Taking stock of the situation, he decides to sleep it off in the ditch rather than try to extricate himself in his drunken state. The Irish lassies spot him in the ditch on their way home and decide to satisfy their curiosity. They carefully descend into the ditch, lift up the kilt, and determine their suspicions are correct. They are about to leave when one lass says, "Wait, let's leave him a souvenir." She takes the ribbon from her hair and ties it 'round his tallywhacker.
The Scot wakes up in the morning with a terrible hangover, drags himself out of the ditch and proceeds directly to his hotel. He strips off his shirt and kilt and, eyes barely open, gets in the shower. Eventually he looks down and perks up a bit: "Ay, laddie, I don't know where ye've been, but I'm glad ye won first prize."
An Irish couple have had seven children in seven years so they go to the doctor. The doctor prescribes the pill. They return in a few months and she is pregnant again. The doctor says, "Didn't you use the pills I prescribed?" The woman says, "Yes, but they must have been the wrong size because they kept falling out." The doctor rolls his eyes and prescribes the diaphragm (pessary).
They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor enquires, "Didn't you use the diaphragm?" The woman says, "Well, I tried to but I hated eating that tube of jelly; it was so bitter." The doctor rolls his eyes and gives them condoms.
They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor asks, "Didn't you use the condoms?" The man says, "Yes, but after three days I had to [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord140][CodeWord140][/url] so bad I cut a hole in the end of it." The doctor thinks for a while and then sends the man out of the room. He says to the woman, "Look, I'm going to make this real simple. Every night when you go to bed, you need to put your feet in a ten gallon bucket." She thinks about this for a while and finally nods in understanding.
They return the following year and she is pregnant again. The doctor is beside himself with frustration. He says, "Didn't you use the ten gallon bucket?" The woman says, "Well, we didn't have a ten gallon bucket but I used two five gallon ones."
An Irish lad is walking through Cork when he sees a sign on a door: "Trips to America: Twenty Quid." He opens the door and someone hits him over the head with a brick. He wakes up three days later with a blinding headache, handcuffed to a rubber raft in the middle of the Atlantic. He looks around and then asks the handcuffed mick next to him, "Do they serve any drinks on this cruise?" The second mick responds, "Well, they didn't last year."
two women go out one weekend without their husbands. as they came back,
right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134][CodeWord134][/url].
they noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.
the first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties, used them to clean herself and discarded them.
the second not finding anything either, thought, "i'm not getting rid of my
panties!" so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
the morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone, and one says to the other:
"we have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good
last night, my wife came home without her panties."
the other one responded: "you're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
her butt that read, 'we will never forget you.'"
This guy, gambling in a casino, sees an absolutely gorgeous blonde hooker. He asks her "how much for a handjob"?
She takes him outside, points out a limo, and says, "see that? Its mine. $100 for the HJ.
The next night he sees her again, and after enjoying the HJ the night before so much, he says, how "much for a BJ?"
She takes him outside, and pointing out some condominiums on a hill, she says, "see those? They're mine. And its $500 for a BJ."
Well, the handjob had been so good, he says, ok.
The next night he sees her again, and recalling the amazing BJ from the night before, he says, "OK, how much for the works, full sex this time?"
She takes him outside, and says, "see that casino down the street? If I had a vagina, it would be mine!!"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.