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Check out this training..
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"
"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."
M8
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an
audience, and as they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Holy Father.
Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks,
"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Your Extreme Holiness! Are there ANY
dwarf nuns anywhere at all in the world?" After consulting with his advisers, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the
floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting,
"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Regards, Havanaman
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin."
"You can take it orally or as a suppository. "
"It is up to you."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"
:D
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head
in case the bag over her head comes off.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.
I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you
got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After awhile he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "
"First, you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next, you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and finally, you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK? Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says,Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job"
What do you call two Mexicans having sex?
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
*
*
Fucking Mexicans!
;)
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "The bastard used coins"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !
[b]13 Things PMS Stands For:[/b]
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and no. 13? (Well, a bit risky but still...)
13. Potential Murder Suspect!!!
You may not know this but many nonliving things
have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
:D :D :D
I was traveling with my new beautiful 25 yr old sexy BABE wife from Key West to Boston. We were driving! We needed to make it there rather quickly, so WE drove and DROVE....
Late at night I said "we need to stop, sleep 4 hours then go!"
We found a nice BIG hotel and checked in! "Please wake us up at 4am!"
Upon checkout, I inquired about the bill.... "Sir, please $350.00 !"
"$350??? What the Fu*K, your rooms are not that nice!??"
"But, sir we are a 5 * Hotel! We have amenities."
"But I did not use any AMENTIES!" Ok, I will get the manager!
Sir, we have a full size Olympic swimming pool!!!!
"I did not use it"
But you could of!!!!!!!
Sir, we have a TOP Chef in our dining room!!!
"I did not use it"
But you could of!!!!!!!
Sir, we have TOP Las Vegas performers in our lounge!!!
"We did not go to any shows?"
But you could of!!!!!!!
OK, OK.... I WILL PAY!!!!!!!! So I wrote the check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"But Sir, this is 0nly for $50!!!????"
Yes, I am CHARGING you sir $300 for sleeping with my sexy wife!
"hmm, but sir, I DID NOT!!!!"
But she was here, YOU COULD OF!!!!!
LS Guy
jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"what's wrong?" asked jack.
"i've been transferred to new orleans, louisiana," the guy answered. "there's crazy people in new orleans. they have shootings, [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord124][CodeWord124][/url], robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"hold on," jack interrupted. "i've lived there all my life. it's not as bad as the media says. find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
the other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "oh, thank you. i've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, i'll take your word for it. what do you do for a living?"
"me?" said jack. "i'm the tail gunner on a bud lite truck."
[quote=frankypanky]jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking.
"what's wrong?" asked jack.
"i've been transferred to new orleans, louisiana," the guy answered. "there's crazy people in new orleans. they have shootings, [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord124][CodeWord124][/url], robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
"hold on," jack interrupted. "i've lived there all my life. it's not as bad as the media says. find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
the other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "oh, thank you. i've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, i'll take your word for it. what do you do for a living?"
"me?" said jack. "i'm the tail gunner on a bud lite truck."[/quote]hey i have liked some of your jokes! but, if ya got anymore like that one, please keep them to yourself!
ls guy