-
[QUOTE]Originally posted by raybones99
[i]A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They do their thing and before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
[/i][/QUOTE]
This is better known as the Call Girl Principle- the value of the goods quickly diminishes immediately after the services have been performed. ;)
-
What Men Want
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Oh, wait, you misread it...
please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
-
So this young, naive virgin of a guy decides to learn about sex. He approaches a street walker and asks her how much it would cost for 'some sex'.
"Ten bucks, if you know what 69 is", she replies.
"Sorry", he says, "but I'm kinda new at this."
"Well, give me ten bucks and I'll show you."
He gives her ten bucks, and they go back to her motel room. After stripping and getting into bed, they begin.
Just as he is finally thinking that 'this 69 stuff' is pretty good, she farts! He is overcome - his eyes water, he can't breathe, he chokes a bit, and finally the air clears up and he starts up again.
Justs as he is finally getting back to his prior aroused state, she farts again! Badly! He rolls off the bed, coughing and choking; his eyes are dripping, he can't breathe. Finally, he just gets up, looks at her, and manages to say,
"Sorry, but I just can't take 67 more of these!"
-
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began. "Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money... Three, I like how money feels in my hand...And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!
-
Borrowed from Sunshine, an escort in Maryland.
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MASN.
1. I've smoked fatter j**nts than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
-
There was a father bull and his son on top of a grassy knoll and below them was a herd of Guernsey cows.
The young bull said to his father, "Hey dad, let's run down the hill and fuck one of those cows!" The father bull looked at him, chuckled, and said, "No, we'll WALK down the hill and fuck ALL of them."
-
bill worked in a pickle factory. he had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. he had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. his wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. he vowed to overcome the compulsion on his
own. one day a few weeks later, bill came home absolutely ashen. his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. what's wrong, bill?" she asked. "do you remember that i told you how i had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "oh, bill, you didn't." "yes, i did." "my god, bill, what happened?" "i got fired." "no, bill. i mean, what happened with
the pickle slicer?" "oh...she got fired too."
-
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this bringss a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
-
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"
-
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
-
the sexual dictionary
which category/ies do you fit in......
a
acarophilia: affinity for itching
achluophilia: love of darkness
acmegenesis: orgasm
acomoclitic: preference for hairless genitals
acousticophilia: arousal from sounds
acrophilia: arousal from heights or high altitudes
acrotomophilia: arousal from amputees
actirasty: to become aroused from exposure to sun's rays
acucullophalia: circumcision
acyesis: female sterility
adamitism: going naked for god
adolescentilism: cross-dressing or playing the role of an adolescent
aelurophilia: deriving gratification from cats
agalmatophilia: attractions to statues or mannequins
agamic: asexual; parthenogenic
agenobiosis: married couple who consent to live together without sex
agonophilia: person who is aroused by a partner pretending to struggle
agoraphilia: arousal from open spaces or having sex in public places
agrexophilia: arousal from others knowing you are having sex
aichmophilia: love of needles and other pointed objects
aischrolatreia: worship of filth, smut; obscenity cult
albutophilia: arousal from water
algolagnia: sexual satisfaction resulting from giving or receiving pain; sadism or masochism
aliphineur: person using lotion to arouse a partner
alloerasty: use of nudity of another person to arouse a partner
allopellia: having orgasm from watching others engaging in sex
allorgasmia: arousal from fantasizing about someone other than one's partner
allotriorasty: arousal from partners of other nations or races
alphamegamia: attraction to partners of another age group
altocalciphilia: high heel fetish
alvinolagnia: stomach fetish
amatripsis: masturbation by rubbing labia together
amaurophilia: preference for a blind or blindfolded sex partner
amaxophilia: attraction to riding in cars and motor vehicles
ambisextrous: pertaining to a bisexual person
amelotasis: attraction to absence of limb
amokoscisia: arousal or sexual frenzy with desire to slash or mutilate women
amomaxia: sex in a parked car
amphierotism: capacity of erotic reaction toward either sex
amphigentic invert: an individual who regularly engages in sexual activity with persons of both genders
amphisexual: bisexual
amulierosis: result of sexual privacy
amychesis: act of scratching partner during sexual passion
amychophilia: deriving sexual pleasure from being scratched
anaclitism: arousal from items used as infant
anacreontic: erotic
analinctus: licking the anus
analingus: rimming or penetration of anus with tongue
anasteemaphilia: attraction to a person because of a difference in height
anaxiphilia: act of falling in love with a loser by someone who should know better
androgyny: having both male and female characteristics
androgynophilia: bisexual
androidism: arousal from robots with human features
andromania: nymphomania
androminetophilia: arousal from female partner who dresses like male
androsodomy: anal sex with a male partner
anililagnia: sexual desire for older women
anisonogamist: attraction to either older or younger partners
anocratism: anal sex
anomeatia: anal sex with a female partner
anophelorastia: arousal from defiling or ravaging a partner
anophilemia: kissing anus
anoraptus: [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord126][CodeWord126][/url] who only attacks elderly women
antholagnia: arousal from smelling flowers
anthropophagolagnia: [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord123][CodeWord123][/url] with cannibalism
anthropophagy: pleasure derived from the ingestion of human flesh
antipudic: covering ones genitals
antiophilia: fondness for floods
apellous: circumcision
aphallatia: celibacy
aphephilia: deriving pleasure from being touched
aphilophrenia: a feeling that one is unloved or unwanted
apistia: adultery
apodysophilia: feverish desire to undress
apotemnophilia: person who has sexual fantasies about losing a limb
arachnephilia: attraction to spiders
arpagee: a raped woman
arrhenothigmophilous: nymphomania
arsometry: anal sex
asceticism: religious self-denial often including celibacy
asphyxiaphilia: arousal from lack of oxygen
asthenolagnia: arousal from weakness or being humiliated
astyphia: impotence
asynodia: celibacy particularly due to impotence
aulophilia: love of flutes
autagonistophilia: exhibitionism; arousal from exposing naked body or genitals to strangers while on stage or while being photographed
autassassinophilia: arousal from orchestrating one's own death by the hands of another
autoerotic asphyxia: arousal from oxygen deprivation and sometimes risk of dying
autogynephilia: arousal from crossdressing
automasochism: arousal from inflicting intense sensations of pain on one's own body
autonepiophilia: sexual attraction from dressing or being treated like an infant
autopederasty: the insertion of one's own penis into their anus
avering: a boys begging in the nude to arouse sympathy
avisodomy: breaking the neck of a bird while penetrating it for sex
axillism: the use of the armpit for sex
b
bathycolpian: possessing a large bosom
batrachophilia: attraction to frogs
belonephilia: arousal from pins or needles
biastophilia: pleasure from forcible [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord123][CodeWord123][/url] of a terrified stranger
blissom: to copulate with an ewe
bollocks: testicles
botulinonia: sex with a sausage
bromidrophilia: arousal from bodily smells
brontophilia: love of thunderstorms
c
callipygian: having shapely buttocks
canophilia: turned on by dogs
capnolagnia: arousal from watching others smoke
caponize: to castrate a chicken
catagelophilia: love of being ridiculed
catamenia: menstruation
catamite: a boy used in homosexual relations
chasmophilia: attraction to nooks, crannies, crevices, and chasms
cheimaphilia: deriving pleasure from cold or winter
chionophilia: love of snow
chrematistophilia: arousal from being charged for sex or robbed
chrysophilia: arousal from gold or golden objects
claustrophilia: love of being confined in small places
climacophilia: deriving pleasure by falling down stairs
commasculation: homosexuality between men
concupiscence: excessive sexual desire
contrectation: the love play preceding sexual intercourse
convertite: a reformed prostitute
coprology: the study of pornography
coprophemia: obscene language
coprophilia: a fancier of [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord113][CodeWord113][/url]
cratolagnia: arousal from strength
crurophilia: sexual arousal from legs
cyprian: lecherous
cypridophobia: fear of getting venereal disease
cypripareunia: sexual intercourse with a prostitute
d
dacryphilia: arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner
dasypygal: having hairy buttocks
dendrophilia: attraction to trees
deosculate: to kiss affectionately
depuscelate: to lose ones virginity
digenesis: alternately sexual and asexual reproduction
digenous: bisexual
dioestrum: the time when a female animal is not in heat
doraphilia: love of animal skins
dowcet: a deers testicle
dystychiphilia: deriving pleasure from accidents
e
ecdemolagnia: arousal from traveling or being away from home
ecdysiast: a stripper
edea: the external genitals
elumbated: weak in the loins
emetophilia: arousal from vomit or vomiting
emmenology: the study of menstruation
enceinte: pregnant
encraty: abstinence
eonism: transvestitism
ephebophilia: compelling need for an older person to seek adolescent partners for sexual gratification
epicene: pertaining to both sexes
epigamic: tending to attract the opposite sex during mating season
epistemophilia: abnormal preoccupation with acquiring knowledge (this best describes me)
eremophilia: maniacal desire to be left alone
ergophilia: love of work and labor
erotophobia: fear of sexual love
erotophonphilia: attaining sexual satisfaction from murdering complete strangers
erythrophilia: becoming aroused by blushing
eunuchate: to make a eunuch
eviration: emasculation, castration
f
fam: to grope a woman
femoral coitus: penis-thigh sex
fescennine: vulgar
fissiparism: reproduction by fissioning
formicophilia: enjoyment of the use of insects for sexual purposes
fricatrice: a *****
frotteur: a person aroused by brushing up against clothed people in public places
furtling: the use of fingers underneath cut-outs in genital areas of photos for arousal
g
gamic: sexual
gamophobia: fear of marriage
genicon: a sexual partner imagined by one who is dissatisfied with her actual partner
genophobia: fear of sex
geronosexuality: an attraction where the object of desire is 30 years older or more
gerontophilia: arousal from an older partner
godemiche: a dildo
gomphipothic: arousal by the sight of teeth
grapholagnia: maniacal interest in obscene pictures
grivoiserie: lewd and lascivious behavior
gunzel: a passive, orally oriented, male homosexual
gymnophobia: fear of nudity
gynander: a female pseudo-hermaphrodite
gynandry: hermaphroditism
gynophobia: fear of women
gynotikolobomassophilia: deriving sexual pleasure by nibbling on a womans earlobe
h
hamartophilia: love of committing sinful acts
haptephilia: arousal by being touched
harpaxophilia: getting pleasure by robbery or being robbed
heautontimorumenos: masochist
hebetic: happening at puberty
hedonophobia: fear of pleasure
hematolagnia: sexual stimulation from blood
hemipenis: one of the paired sex organs of many reptiles
hetaerism: extramarital sex; communal marriage
homilophilia: arousal from hearing or giving sermons
hymenorrhexis: defloration of the hymen
hypnophilia: turned on by the thought of sleeping
i
icolagnia: arousal from contemplation of, or contact with sculptures or pictures
incubus: a male demon who has intercourse with a woman while she is sleeping
infantilism: attraction to childhood items
ipsism: masturbation
irrumation: fellatio
isophilic: relating to same gender affection sans sex
ithyphallic: pertaining to the phallus carried in bacchanalian festivals; lewd
j
jocker: a male homosexual
k
kainotophilia: getting pleasure from change
kakorrhaphiophilia: arousal from failure
kalopsia: condition where things appear more beautiful than they really are (e.g. when youre drunk)
kenophilia: attraction to empty or open spaces
keraunophilia: turned on by thunder and lightning
kinesophilia: arousal from movement and exercise
klismaphilia: sexual pleasure from enemas
knissophilia: attraction to incense-burning
kopophilia: arousal from physical or mental exhaustion
l
lagnosis: satyriasis
laliophilia: arousal from public speaking
lalochezia: talking dirty to relieve tension
laparohysterosalpingooophorectomy: surgical removal of the female reproductive organs
leman: a mistress or lover
lenocinant: lewd
ligyrophilia: turned on by loud noises
lilapsophilia: arousal from tornadoes
lobcock: a large, relaxed penis
lithophilia: attraction to stones, gravel, or mud
lovertine: addicted to love-making
lupanarian: lubricious, lascivious, lewd
lygophilia: love of darkness
lyssophilia: sexual arousal from becoming angry or upset
m
machlaenomania: masochism in women
macromastic: pertaining to large breasts
macrophilia: attraction to giants or giant creatures
maiesiophilia: arousal from childbirth or pregnant women
mammillated: having nipples
maniaphilia: attraction to insane people
manustupration: masturbation
mastigophilia: sexual gratification from punishment or being whipped; masochism
matutolagnia: antemerdian sexual desire
mazophilia: compulsion for breasts
mechanophilia: turned on by machines
megalophilia: arousal from large objects (not necessarily fat)
melissophilia: attraction to bees
menacme: the menstruating part of a womans life
menophania: the onset of menstruation; false menstruation
mentulate: possessing a large penis; well-hung
merkin: a pubic hair wig
metopophilia: turned on by a persons face
metrophilia: arousal from poetry
misapodysis: hatred of undressing in front of someone
miserotia: aversion to sex
mixoscopia: orgasm achieved by watching ones beloved have sex with someone else; voyeurism
molysmophilia: attraction to dirt, filth, or contamination (see mysophilia)
monoecious: hermaphroditic
monorchid: having one testicle
muliebrity: assumption of female characteristics by a male
multigravida: a woman who has been pregnant more than once
musophilia: attraction to mice
mysophilia: love of dirt or becoming dirty
n
nanophilia: sexual attraction to a short partner
narratophilia: arousal from erotic conversations
nasophilia: arousal from the sight, touch, licking, or sucking of a partner's nose.
neanilagnia: a yen for nymphets
nebulophilia: arousal from fog
necrophilia: sexual gratification only by having sex with the dead
nemophilia: love of forests
neolagnium: puberty
neophilia: arousal from anything new
nosophilia: love of becoming ill
nothosonomia: calling someone a bastard
novercamania: sexual attraction to ones stepmother
nyctophilia: love of night
nympholepsy: trance incurred by erotic daydreams
o
obsolagnium: waning sexual desire due to age
ochlophilia: attraction to crowds
ocnophile: someone chronically dependent on their lover
oculolinctus: the act of licking a partner's eyeball
odynophilia: deriving pleasure from pain; masochism
oikophilia: attraction to ones home
olfactophilia: sexual gratification from smells
ombrophilia: turned on by rain or being rained upon
onanism: masturbation
ophelimity: the ability to please sexually
ophidiophilia: arousal from snakes
ornithophilia: love of birds
osmolagnia: arousal caused by bodily odors, such as sweat or menses
osphresiophilia: an inordinate love of smells
ozolagnia: arousal from odors
p
pantophilia: arousal from just about everything imaginable
paphian: erotic; pertaining to illicit love
papilla: a nipple
paracoita: a female sexual partner
paracoitus: a male sexual partner
pareunia: sexual intercourse
parthenolatry: virgin worship
parthenophilia: attraction only to virgins
peccatophilia: arousal from sinning or having committed an imaginary crime
pediophilia: attraction to dolls
****philia: sexual attraction to children
peniaphilia: erotic fascination with poverty
pentheraphilia: sexual attraction to ones mother-in-law
peodeiktophilia: sexual arousal from exhibitionism
peotomy: surgical amputation of the penis
pessary: a vaginal suppository
phallation: movement of the penis in sexual intercourse
philophobia: fear of falling in love or of being loved
philopornist: a lover of prostitutes
phronemophilia: turned on by the act of thinking
phthiriophilia: attraction to lice
phygephilia: arousal from being a fugitive
pictophilia: arousal only from looking at erotic pictures
pizzle: a whip made of an animals penis
placophilia: arousal from tombstones
planistethic: flat-chested
pluviophilia: sexual stimulation from rain or being rained upon
pnigophilia: aroused from people choking
poinephilia: turned on by punishment; masochism
ponophilia: attraction to overwork
pornerastic: licentious, lewd, and horny
pornocracy: a government by prostitutes
pornolagnia: desire for prostitutes
potamophilia: arousal from streams and rivers
premenacmium: life before menstruation begins
presbytorean: an erotic poem
priapism: persistent and painful erection, usually the result of a disease
pronovalence: ability to have sexual intercourse in a prone position only
psellismophilia: becoming aroused by stuttering
pteridomania: an intense desire for ferns
pteronophilia: sexual gratification from being tickled by feathers
pucelage: virginity
punquetto: a prostitute
putanism: prostitution
pygmaliionism: falling in love with ones creation (a la "my fair lady")
pygophilia: aroused from buttocks
pyrolagnia: sexual stimulation from watching fires
q
quadoshka: american indian form of tantric sex
queening: sitting on the side of a person's face as a form of bondage
quim: the vagina
r
rammish: lustful and horny
rantallion: one whose scrotum is longer than his penis
renifleur: one who gets sexual pleasure from body smells
rιtifism: foot and shoe fetishism, including using the shoe for masturbation
retrocopulation: fornicating from behind ("doggie position")
rhabdophilia: finding pleasure in being severely criticized
rhytiphilia: arousal from facial wrinkles
ruttish: horny; in heat
s
sacofricosis: the practice of cutting a hole in the bottom of a front pant pocket in order to masturbate in public with less risk of detection
sapphism: lesbianism
scelerophilia: attraction to bad guys or unsavory characters
scoptophilia: voyeurism
scotophilia: turned on by darkness
sdrucciola: copulate
septophilia: sexual attraction to decaying matter
siderodromophilia: arousal from riding in trains
sitophilia: deriving pleasure from eating
soceraphilia: excitement from ones parents-in-law
sophophilia: sexual gratification from learning
sorophilia: attraction to ones sister
spadonism: eunuchry
spectrophilia: arousal from looking at oneself in a mirror
spermatophobia: fear of semen
spintry: a male *****
stasivalence: ability to have sexual intercourse only while standing
staurophilia: arousal from the cross or crucifix
sthenolagnia: arousal from displaying strength or muscles
stupration: [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord123][CodeWord123][/url]
stygiophilia: deriving pleasure from thoughts of hell
subagitation: copulation
succubus: a female demon who seduces men in their sleep
supinovalent: able to fornicate only while lying on the back
symphorophilia: arousal by accidents or catastrophes
syngenesophilia: sexual attraction to ones relatives
t
taphephilia: arousal from being buried alive
taphophilia: love of funerals
teleophilia: affinity for religious ceremonies
tentiginous: lascivious
teratophilia: arousal from deformed or monstrous people
thalassophilia: love of the sea
thassophilia: attraction to sitting
threpterophilia: a fondness for female nurses
thygatrilagnia: a fathers sexual love for his daughter
timophilia: arousal from gold or wealth
tocophilia: fondness for pregnancy and childbirth
tonitrophilia: love of thunder
toxiphilia: attraction to poisons
toxophilia: love of archery
tragalism: lust; lechery; obscenity
transfeminate: to change from woman to man
traumatophilia: an unconscious desire to be injured
tribadism: mutual genital-fondling between lesbians
trichopathophilia: sexual attraction to hair
tripsolagnia: arousal from having hair shampooed
u
undinism: the association of water with erotic thoughts
uranism: homosexuality
uranophilia: sexual arousal by heavenly thoughts
urolagnia: sexual pleasure from [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord112][CodeWord112][/url]
urtication: the use of nettles to create extra sensation
uxoravalent: only able to attain sex extramaritally (applied to men)
uxorovalent: able to score only with ones wife
v
vaccinophilia: turned on by becoming vaccinated
vampirism: consuming blood of a partner for arousal
vicarphilia: arousal from other people's exciting experiences
vincilagnia: arousal from bondage
viraginity: masculinity in a woman
virgin: you really need to ask?
virimimism: adoption of masculinity
viripotent: sexually mature
vitricophilia: sexual attraction to ones stepfather
w
wether: a castrated ram
whelp: to bear offspring
whirlygigs: testicles
wittol: a husband who tolerates his wifes infidelity
x
xenodynamic: person who is only potent with strangers
xenophilia: an attraction to foreign customs, traditions, and foreigners
xeronisus: inability to reach orgasm
xylophilia: turned on by wooden objects
y
yeld: not old enough to procreate
ylophilia: affinity for forests
yoni worship: worship of the female genitals
z
zelophilia: sexual arousal from jealousy
zooerastia: sexual intercourse with an animal
zoophilia: one who is strongly attracted to animals in a spiritual, sexual, or emotional sense
zwischenstufe: arousal from a person of the same sex
-
FAMOUS SEXUAL QUOTES
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy."
(Tom Clancy)
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
(Steve Martin)
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand."
(Woody Allen)
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
(Rodney Dangerfield)
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
(Lynn Lavner)
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the
taxidermist."
(Matt Barry)
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
(Camille Paglia)
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant."
(George Burns)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
(Sharon Stone)
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
(Steve Jobs - Founder, Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it; so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
(Jack Nicholson)
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!)
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
(Robin Williams)
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
(Roseanne)
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
(Billy Crystal)
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
(Robert De Niro)
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
(Dustin Hoffman)
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I
know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
(Jerry Seinfeld)
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
(Rod Stewart)
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
(Robin Williams)
-
BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should always be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or is currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole.
-
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm tits, and a tight ass.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
-
Subject: Hell
Actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the
rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
Banyan during my Freshman year,"That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still
have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is
exothermic.
The student got the only A.