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Q: Why did the doctor use two fingers to give a rectal exam?
A: He wanted a second opinion.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This, I gotta see !!!"
The difference between men and women:
A woman looks for one man to satisfy her every need, a man looks to every woman to satisfy his one need. :-)
Q: What do a hooker's dress and a McDonald's Chicken McNugget have in common?
A: Both are much too small and were recently picked up off the floor.
1 - What's the difference between a computer and a woman?
With a computer you put software into hardware.
2 - What's the difference between a dumptruck and a woman?
A dumptruck won't follow you around after you put a load in it.
(Sorry this is so long)
MATES RULES
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolate" which, by the way, is pronounced Chock-A-lit not Shock-Ah-lahhht. That is gay.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a mate’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate’s birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your mate is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a mate's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer. If you own a sleep sofa or live on the second floor it is pizza and beer. If you own a sleep sofa and live on the second floor it shall be eaten inside a restaurant.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your mate's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "Damn, this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
" Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a mate, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both [url=http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord112][CodeWord112][/url] or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
29.If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
30.Before allowing a drunken mate to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye and deliver a "FUCK OFF!”, you are absolved of your of responsibility.
31.The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
A pom from Belfast goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every morning at seven I take a big shit." Doctor says, "I don't see that as a problem; it means you're regular. What's the problem?" Pommie says, "Well, for one thing, I don't get up until half past eight."
There was this young woman who was gorgeous and had a plan to marry some ol' geizer hoping to screw him to death on their wedding night and reep the rewards. A month later she married this 80 year old guy who could barely walk and she thought she'd be all set. On there wedding night she layed in bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom so she could screw the daylights out of him and be rich. The old guy comes out of the bathroom and she has a scared but puzzled look. He was naked but was wearing ear and noze plugs, also a condom on his twelve inch erection. She gasped and said "oh my, what are you doing?" The old guy responded "two things I hate the most, the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of rubber burning."
How is a Micro·wave Oven different from Anal Sex ??
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A Micro·wave Oven won't Brown your Meat !!
A little late for Halloween, but here it is anyway:
Q: What don't witches wear underwear?
A: To get a better grip on the broom.
Two hot-shot business men are coming to the end of their extended lunch break in a restaurant:
John: "Wow, look at the ass on her, great tits and what a mouth! I’ve still got half an hour, maybe I’ll ask her for a 68.
Steve: "A 68 ?"
John: "Yea, she can give me a BBBJ and I’ll owe her one…"
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor appartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"****!" he said, and dropped her.
A monger walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God how I miss him"