Reports from Heaven - Eastern Front
Yes, oh yes!... There's definitely an Eastern Front to heaven.
And the two latest goddesses sent from the Celestial Orbs of Fuckdom come (and make no mistake, they do cum!) exactly from there.
Meet, then, Eva and Lilia.
Both are blonde.
Eva is tall (1.75 m, I'd say), early thirties, with an athletic but deliciously curvy body, medium to small breasts, a butt that, once you see it and cannot help but feel it, is certain to make you dizzy, sexy face and a voracious sex appetite. She's Hungarian - but speaks very good Portuguese, don't know about English - and more than willing to please you in every way you can dream of (and then some...): DFK, BBBJ, CIM, DATY, A (she actually invites you to it, deep and hard, and makes it all too clear that it will not be only YOUR pleasure that will be at stake!) you name it! Not at all a clockwatcher, she greets you in beautiful lingerie, really enjoys you undressing her piece by piece (while she does the same to you), in fact, she apparently relishes in all the gloriously sordid details of the art-of-the-boudoir. While, at the same time, remaining a little snobish, coquettish and sophisticated. And, yes, she is expensive: 150€/hour. But, can you really put a price on Heaven? (967 723 412, Lisbon, near the metro station of Pontinha, next to the Lidl supermarket)
Lilia is an angel. A very, very, very beautiful short blond haired and blue-eyed angel, russian, slim and soft, with very small but highly kissable tits, not as tall as Eva but not petite, mid-thirties. There is quite a serious risk that you might fall in love with her, be warned! She kisses like there's no tomorrow, her BBBJ/CIM is a wondrous "crescendo" experience, and you do want to spend the rest of your semi-conscious life making love to her... you even forget that she'll not allow you to pay the tribute her oh so lovely ass more than deserves. And, St. Mary Magdalen be praised!, she'll only ask you 50€/hour (she also has a very flexible sense of time if she's enjoying herself) for a walk in the clouds in her company. (968876132, Costa da Caparica, southbank of the Tejo, next to the last stop of the buses from Lisbon to Costa)
Lisbon Guide II: - The Street
So you’re installed in that central hotel. Showered, refreshed, horny. Hit the street.
As always, there are cheap options here, with all the excitement of live hunting, but also the possibility of hunter turning into prey. Don’t be scared, but do be careful. Not just of the unsavoury males who hang around SW haunts, (Mur for example, give him a wide berth) but try to make a careful appraisal of the girl herself.
Is she a wasted drunkie or junkie? Is she texting her serial-murderer pimpodaddy? Is she ten days from her last bath? Is she a national wildlife reserve for crab lice? Is she 63 years old? Is she a he?
Not easy to tell, especially at night. Nothing worse than watching your €25 bargain remove her grubby jeans and stinky sneakers under the unforgiving bare bulb of a pensão bedroom, to reveal grime-caked feet, or needle-tracked arms, or a sagging belly, or a cock. On the other hand, it’s just delightful when the same modest sum turns out to have landed you a perfectly groomed 20-year-old right off the bus from Bucharest. For many, the element of gamble and danger makes up the fun.
Where? Look at that map again.
Intendente is the down-and-outest street scene in Lisbon. You may not wish to buy, but it has anthropological interest. No-go after dark. Poço do Borratem, to the E of Praça Figueira, (metro Rossio) is the pitch for Romanian and Moldavian girls, but the other end of the age range is also represented, with some local veterans doing surprisingly brisk business. Up at the NW corner of the map, Rua Artillharia Um, and adjacent streets, offer a mixed bag of treats. So does an area to the north near the Instituto Técnico.
There are also roadside girls in the Parque Monsanto, Lisbon’s own Bois de Boulogne. These are strictly for kerbcrawling mongers who, loving their automobiles more than they love sex, need a swift BJ or uncomfortable fuck in the car. Risky: not unknown for your new passenger to direct you to a secluded parking place of her choosing, and once your pants are round your ankles and she is bobbing on your gear shaft, her boyfriend-accomplice roars up on his motorbike. The best you can hope for at this point is that he just takes your cash, refraining from smashing the car windows for an extra kick.
There are similar venues for the brave motorist on the south bank of the Tejo in Caparica, and Mur has even heard of a weird scene in the car park of the autodrome out beyond Estoril towards Sintra: if confirmed, this would be the most westerly monger-mart in continental Europe. Other street galleries include Restelo and Paço D’Arcos, but these suburbs are more likely to draw the resident than the visitor. Expect to pay €25 to €50 max., including the room.
Lisbon Guide III: CM classifieds
Correio da Manhã. (Translation: ‘Morning Post’).
This daily rag carries Portugal’s best selection of advertisements for pussy purchase. It's in every kiosk, and online:
[url]http://www.correiomanha.pt/[/url]
Go to ‘classificados’, and then ‘convivio’, then ‘Grande Lisboa’. You have reached the leading resource for Lisbon’s mongers. Day after day (fewer on Saturday and very few on Sunday) there are hundreds of ads, for every possible service, all over the region.
Most ads are arranged in alphabetical geographical order, so you must know your way around: a girl in Benfica is a short taxi ride from the centre, while Almada requires a trip across the bridge, and Cascais is half an hour by train. And it helps to know some Portuguese to grasp the information about the lady’s appearance, services and prices. For example, ‘completo’ means she will allow you into her back passage, ‘trintona’ means she was born some time before 1976 (often long before), ‘oral natural’ (not difficult) means she will accept an unrubbered member in her mouth and ‘oral natural até ao fim’ means that it may remain there until ejaculation. ‘meiga’ means ‘nice n sweet’, ‘simpática’ is friendly, ‘deslumbrante’ is dazzling, ‘carinhosa’ is affectionate… but they would say that, wouldn’t they?
Yes, once you’ve mastered the vocabulary, be aware that no legal contract obliges advertisers to be truthful about age, appearance or type and quality of service. A few of the ads mention price, although they never use the € sign, preferring euphemisms like ‘40P’ (petals) or ‘20 orquideas’ etc. Not to be confused with ‘Peitões... 50’ , which is a breast measurement, or '18A' which means she would like you to believe that she's fresh out of high school.
Bear in mind that some of Lisbon’s best houses, Mirage Klub, Classic Ladies, Clinque de Massage, New Centre and others, do not appear in the online version of the CM. For their phones, you will need the paper version, where these establishments have little box ads that stand out from the long columns of classifieds. Avoid ads beginning ‘R..’ or ‘Rapaz’, or ‘T..’, or ‘Travesti’. Unless you like boys or girlieboys: in both cases, you are reading the wrong forum.
The online ads are searchable: if you are staying with friends in Oeiras or Estoril, why simply use the box to the right of the screen and you will discover local options. Increasingly, these ads give www addresses where you may examine photographs: these are almost always genuine, give or take a little permissible photoshopping. Exceptions: three suburban outfits entitled ‘piriguetis’, ‘xamego’ and ‘bombasticas’. Scams, with photos of supermodels and porn queens – the reality will be a chubby chainsmoking Brasileira. You have been warned.
Further warning... when you call, you will seldom find an English speaker at the other end, and you will almost never get the address first time, They will say "OK, honey, y’know the Lidl supermarket right by the gas station after exit 22 for São Domingos? Well get there and call again and we’ll give you the address…”
It took Mur a year to reliably understand these conversations, in every accent from the widespread Lusophone world. But if you can get a Portuguese speaker to help, CM gives you the freedom of this wonderful city.