Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Tiny Elvis]

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This, I gotta see !!!"

[Tiny Elvis]

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, God how I miss him"

[Tiny Elvis]

Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.

First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!

Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"

First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.

First: "Shit! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and swallow them all down!"

Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"

[Tiny Elvis]

An irishman walks into a bar and says, you see that dock? Well I built it with my own hands. But do they call me paddy the dockmaker? NO! And do you see that barn? Well I built it with my own hands. But do they call me paddy the barnmaker? NO! And do you see that house? Well I built that house with me own hands. And do they call me Paddy the housemaker? NO!

But I FUCK ONE GOAT!

[PsyberZombie]

And you thought YOU were having a Rough Week !!

http://*******.com/2hou9

[Si Ma Yi]

Try this:

The moods of a woman

An angel of truth and the dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of wasps, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in a rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The moods of a man

Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

* I am not the original author

SMY

[Organicgrowth]

Ruf66,

Thank you, excellent memories brought back to life! I saw BC perform when I was a student.

Regards, Havanaman

[Ruf66]

survivor texas style

due to the popularity of the survivor shows, texas is planning to do its own, entitled "survivor-texas style."

the contestants will start in dallas, travel to waco, austin, san antonio, over to houston and down to brownsville. they will then
proceed up to del rio, on to el paso, then to midland, odessa, lubbock, and amarillo. from there, they'll proceed to abilene, ft. worth, and finally back to dallas.

each will be driving a pink volvo with bumper stickers that read: "i'm gay. i love the dixie chicks...i'm a vegetarian...i voted for al gore...george strait sucks...hillary in 2004!...and i'm here to confirep001e your guns!"

the first one that makes it back to dallas alive wins.

[Ruf66]

Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate about everybody "

1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come the cinema and stare at the
f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really
give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is
the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet? . If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used
to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that
nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks
that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if
you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering .....
It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14 When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be
off.

[Ruf66]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T =

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you!

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top!!!

[Organicgrowth]

Priamos,

Thanks! A very enjoyable read. At the very least a court has officially recognised that we all have "everyday needs"!

Regards, Havanaman

[Priamos]

Ever so briefly: look at this one. True, the Germans are very permissive in all matters related to mongering, but this social assistance claim is nonetheless in a class of its own:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3537071.stm

[Steve Thai I]

Fellow Monoger Types :

Be sure what you go to bed with before you do!

Source: Thai Rath

Monday, February 16, 2004

The horror of the morning after

PATHUM THANI: Some people may be familiar with the surprise of waking up on the morning of New Year’s Day to find an unexpected creature lying beside them in bed.

Few, however, take the trouble to report such incidents to the police. Fewer still are the cases where police haul the offending bedmate off to jail.

Pol Lt Col Sarawut Netriyanon, Superintendent at Tambon Suan Prik Thai Police Station, was as surprised as anyone on January 1 when he was called to a rented room by 23 year-old Thip Nethip, who said that there was a monstrous creature asleep on his bed.

Investigations swiftly established that the “monster” was a bright-green iguana, 50 centimeters long and weighing in at a meaty five kilograms. Not knowing what to do with the reptile, Col Sarawut took it back to the station.

Fearful that the vegetarian lizard might harm local children – iguanas have long, sharp talons – officers there locked up the creature in a prison cell while they waited for wildlife officials to come and collect it.

[Zero]

The Missing Hat
A man spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out, he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Did you change your mind when I started to preach 'thou shall not steal'?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat."

[Tomcat2]

Rabbit Hunting

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!