Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Alengeo90]

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. "Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed." Two days later her doorbell rings. "Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away." "What makes you think you are great in bed?" the woman retorts. Tim replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[Alengeo90]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say Hello.

[Alengeo90]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best. " "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters. ' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[Alengeo90]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[Alengeo90]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut. " Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty. " Mom fainted.

[Alengeo90]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" he said, "Explain the kids!

[Alengeo90]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629. "

[Marpa]

A dog and a cat are having a chat and the dog says.

'humans really respect dogs, they called a very important.

Part of their body with a dog type name. The Canine tooth'.

The cat replies ' you don't stand a chance of winning this one with me!

[LazyAss69]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.

Last night she used me to time an egg.

[TonyMontanaaO7]

Ok, here's a 2 for 1 special. Two of my top memories, both with the same girl.

To be fair, I probably had the first funny one with her — she was incredibly hot, and I think our first time, I probably came as soon as I was inside her.

So back in our early days, we were still experimenting a little. I kind of took it slow with her. One night I decided to try anal with her. She had never done it. We had been having sex for a while in a few different positions, and were currently doing it missionary. I slide out and start working the tip into her butt. Everything goes surprisingly well. She feels amazing and we both cum. I pull out and head for the bathroom, but happen to look down and realize she just shit the bed when I pulled out. She was mortified. I was dying laughing.

Later in our relationship, and with a little more experience — we had a few kinks, and I spanked her sometimes. We were in the car one day, and I was actually pissed at her for something. I told her she was getting spanked when we get home, and we were still kind of talking about it. I wasn't happy. I decided I was going to spank her right then and there, and made her basically lay across the car and pull her pants down. We're driving down the expressway and she's getting her bare bottom spanked while I'm telling her what a bad little girl she is, which naturally starts to become sexual. I occasionally slip my hand between her legs, and she's dripping wet. "Are you ready to be a good girl?" I'm getting hard, and unzip my pants. "Show me. " She starts sucking, and I continue to spank her ass, occasionally slipping a finger inside her. She's really getting into it, taking me deep in her mouth, and I hit a bump pretty hard. I heard the sound she makes, and know I only have a few seconds to get us safely stopped. She's on the side of the expressway with her pants around her ankles, puking because she just gagged too hard on the tip of my dick being shoved down her throat, with cars passing by in the middle of the day.

[LazyAss69]

How is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

[TonyMontanaaO7]

I had arranged to take my then GF out to the theatre as I wanted to do a surprise proposal. But we got side tracked before leaving and ended up having mad passionate sex. She asked me to finish on her, so I came over her face. Unfortunately a large blob of my man batter landed square in her eye. Leaving her with a very red and sore eye. Even after repeated washing, the redness didn't subside, so we had to go to the theatre with a very obvious red eye. So all the pics of my proposal remind us of the day I spaffed in her eye.

[LazyAss69]

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

[BenHur3]

A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts "quick my husband is home!

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

[HenglenZZ]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours. " The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours. " The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half. " The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Arthur, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back. " A little while later, Arthur returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Arthur looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!