Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Puzzo]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed. Naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said,"It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Malabo]

A beautiful young girl comes home and says,"Ma, I got married."

Her mother says,"Oy, that's great."

She says,"But, Ma, he's an Arab."

Her mother says,"Oy, that's not so great." She says,"But, Ma, he's an arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."

Six months later, she walks in the house and says,"Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime. Now, it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother says,"So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

[Poucolouco]

The Maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want to increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora. The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?

[Eaglestar]

Some sage advice.

[Puzzo]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really, ' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. '

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. '

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '

'No problem, ' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body, ' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

"Alright, alright". The father shouted.

'I'll do the fucking dishes!

[Puzzo]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November. '

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife? ', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good. She's pregnant. '

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand? '

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too. '

[Poucolouco]

an american is having breakfast, in paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. the american ignores the frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

frenchman: "you american folk eat the whole bread?"

american (in a bad mood) : "of course."

frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble)"we don't. in france, we only eat what's inside. the crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." the frenchman has a smirk on his face.

the american listens in silence.

the frenchman persists: "do you eat jelly with the bread?"

american: "of course."

frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"we don't. in france we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

after a moment of silence, the american then asks: "do you have sex in france?"

frenchman: "why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

american: "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

frenchman: "we throw them away, of course."

american: "we don't. in america, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to france."

[Fistmaster]

Five Swiss in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Austrian border. The.

Austrian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

"It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the.

Papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Austrian customs.

Agent."Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

[Poucolouco]

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say."Okay, ma'am," said a voice."All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."

[Wanking]

I can just imagine Elton Johns Kid saying his first words."This dummy taste like shit?"

[Wanking]

Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said,"He reminds me so much of you David". David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?"."No" says Elton. David asks "Is it his cute little nose?""No, it's not that" says Elton. David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes"."No" says Elton "He's got shit on his dick".

[Poucolouco]

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back twenty percent of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services. '

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation. If we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Wanking]

Hugh Hefner is engaged again but they haven't decided whether to tell him or not.

[Puzzo]

{quote]Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas.[/quote]

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa.

Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica.

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa.

Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater. Again!

Santa.

Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in?

Love, Marky.

Mark, First, stop calling yourself 'Marky'! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa

[Puzzo]

What if santa answered his mail.

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xms. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy.

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa.

Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy.[/quote]

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joe's, A dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis.

Dear Francis, Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay. Barbie dream house it is!

Santa

Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan.

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa