Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Jey001]

I want to present a couple of videos of Humorous Crazy Orgasms and gently ask all of u to apport any videos or stories you may have:

http://www.xxxclasstv.com/video/778/...o-en-bicicleta

http://www.xxxclasstv.com/video/779/...illa-orgásmica

Enjoy!

[Ed Setra]

What did the priest say was the best thing about having sex with forty-nine year olds?

"There's 40 of them"

[Ed Setra]

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne wont come on your face till your 13.

[Frankypanky]

eileen and her husband bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

when asked what the problem was, eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. she went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

after a few minutes the therapist stepped away, eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

the therapist turned to bob and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. can you do this?'

bob thought for a moment and replied, 'well, i can drop her off here on mondays and wednesdays, but on fridays, i play golf.

[Frankypanky]

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.

[Angus Magee]

Starts at about 2 mins.

Side splitting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf7Zc...eature=related

AM

[Frankypanky]

The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."


She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

[Frankypanky]

we've all been there but don't like to admit it...
we've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *work [CodeWord116]* is inevitable. for those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at work.

*crop dusting* when farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. be careful when you do this. do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*fly by* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
walk in and check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. be careful not to become a *frequent flyer*. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*escapee* a fart that slips out while taking a [CodeWord134] or forcing a [CodeWord116] in a stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not happen. if you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. no one likes an escapee. it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*jailbreak* when forcing a [CodeWord116], several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. this is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen, do not panic. remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*courtesy flush* the act of flushing the toilet the instant the [CodeWord116] hits the water. this reduces the amount of air time the [CodeWord116] has to stink up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the *walk of shame*.

*walk of shame* walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of the *courtesy flush*.

*out of the closet pooper* a colleague who [CodeWord115] at work and is doggone proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

*safe havens* a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*turd burglar* someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a [CodeWord116] at work. if this occurs, remain in the stall until the *turd burglar* leaves. this way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*camo-cough* a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a *watermelon*, or to alert potential *turdburglar*. very effective when used in conjunction with a *shirley temple*.

*shirley temple* a subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *turd burglars*that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear a *shirley temple*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can [CodeWord116] in peace.

*watermelon* a [CodeWord116] that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an arrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. see *camo-cough*.

some varieties of [CodeWord116] you should be aware of:

*the king [CodeWord116]* = this kind is the kind of [CodeWord116] that killed elvis. it doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* bali belly [CodeWord116]* = you [CodeWord116] so much you lose 5 lbs.

*cement block* =you wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you [CodeWord116].

*cork [CodeWord116]* = even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. how do i get rid of it? this [CodeWord116] usually happens at someone else's house.

*the bungee [CodeWord116]* = the kind of [CodeWord116] that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*the crippler* = the kind of [CodeWord116] where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*the chitty chitty bang bang* = the kind of [CodeWord116] that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*the party pooper* = the giant [CodeWord116] you take at a party. and when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

now everyone try to go [CodeWord116] in peace

quit laughing... pooping is a natural process

[Frankypanky]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable".

[Frankypanky]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you say?"

[Frankypanky]

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

[Marpa]

LITTLE BOYS


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Ice Dragon]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

[Sam Yates]

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

[Ice Dragon]

Manc girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children? " asks the welfare officer?

"Ten" replies the Manc girl; "Ten? " says the welfare worker.

"What are their names? "

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing? "

"Naah." says the Manc girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready! '

Or 'Nathan go to bed now! ' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually? " says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy, " says the Manc girl. "I just use their surnames"