Jokes & Humorous Stories

[MrWho]

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago. "he swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average. "Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name. "The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein. "*.

[ThaRime2]

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "he's at home taking care of the kids."

[Speed2487]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" he said, "Explain the kids!

[Speed2487]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. " "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry. " This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. " "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration. ".

[Speed2487]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. " The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. " The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. ".

[Speed0211]

Wife: had your lunch?

Husband: had your lunch?

Wife: I m asking you.

Husband: I m asking you.

Wife: you copying me?

Husband: you copying me?

Wife: lets go shopping.

Husband: Yes I had my lunch.

True story.

[Speed0211]

1. A cow was walking, Newton stopped it. He stopped, he found his 1st Law "An Object Continues To Move Unless It Stops".

2. he gave a force by kicking the cow, it gave a sound, he formulated the 2nd Law "Force, F=MA".

3. After sometimes cow gave a kick to Newton, then he formulated 3rd Law "Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction".

[Wolvenvacht]

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. " Elmo Phillips.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. " Steve Martin.

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. " Robert De Niro.

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL. " Lynn Lavner.

[TellAll]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. ".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. ".

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. ".

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm Sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't Even know your name. ".

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[AussieGaigin]

A woman of advanced age asks her physician for help in reviving her marital sex life, but baulks at his suggestion of providing her husband with Viagra.

"Not a chance," she says. "he won't even take an aspirin. ".

"No problem," the doctor replies. "Give him an Aussie Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. ".

A week later she is back, shaken.

"'Twas shocking, doctor," she exclaims, "just shocking! I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was shocking!

"I don't understand," the doctor says. "You mean it was no good?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! 'Twas the best sex I've ever had! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!

[Dickhead]

Or dive for doxies.

[D Cups]

Did anyone happen to notice the Word of the Day on the English Wiktionary homepage today, 18 August 2015? It is always encouraging to receive literary enlightenment from the mainstream for our benefit.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/strumpet

Great! Now I can troll for trollops OR steer for strumpets!

[Meesee]

Did anyone happen to notice the Word of the Day on the English Wiktionary homepage today, 18 August 2015? It is always encouraging to receive literary enlightenment from the mainstream for our benefit.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/strumpet

[AussieGaigin]

Q: What's the difference between a folk-guitar player and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[AussieGaigin]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless.

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Abby