Jokes & Humorous Stories

[AussieGaigin]

Two Indian heroin addicts injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. Both ended up in intensive care. One had a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[AussieGaigin]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool. '.

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. '.

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? '.

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months. '.

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust. '.

[AussieGaigin]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up. '.

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.

The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time. '.

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time. '.

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy.

'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really.

Give away free sex at all. '.

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week. '.

[Hotrod10]

On a very hot day my friend pulled into a service station and bought 2 six packs of beer. As he was leaving he noticed a model type blond pumping gas. It was so hot she had unbottened her blouse down to her waist and now she had her boobs hanging out. When she finished pumping gas and as she walked by my friends car she noticed the beer on his front seat. She leaned in the window and said. I am a firm believer in the barter system. I would be willing to trade sex for beer -- My friend sat back an thought for a second then said -- so what kind of beer do you have-.

[Red Kilt]

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.

Just had one from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

[NoWahalla]

A Sheikh was talking to his travel agent.

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year I am going to do it a little differently.

The last few years I have been taking your advice on where to go.

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii, I went and spent some days there, my wife Razia got pregnant.

Then two years ago you told me go to Bahamas, and Razia got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.

Travel agent: So what are you going to do this year that is different?

Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me.

[Red Kilt]

Winner of the Chicago Tribune's Best Tweet of the Week.

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby".

[AussieGaigin]

Adam and Eve are playing in the garden when God appears and calls them over.

"I haven't quite finished making you," he says, "there are two parts still to go. " he pulls out a penis and asks which one of them would like to have it. He also explains it will save whoever has it the problem with having to sit down to [CodeWord134].

Adam is beside himself.

"Please please please can I have it?

Eve just shrugs her shoulders so God gives it to Adam who prostrates himself in front of God, repeating, "Thank you thank you God. ".

God then turns to Eve and says, "Well Eve looks like you get the brain. ".

[AussieGaigin]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink office to pick up his welfare check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing. ".

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. ".

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as thedaughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. ".

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it. " .

[ThaRime2]

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters. " The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig. " The second man said,"I slept like a cow. " The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole. ".

[NoWahalla]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as theblind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! ".

The blind man replies:

"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!

[NoWahalla]

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

[NoWahalla]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor, he asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. ".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position the man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

[ThaRime2]

Once a girl asked an engineer.

"Why we have units to measure.

Weight,

Height,

Length,

Money, etc.

But nothing to measure.

Love,

Trust,

Friendship.

Why?

Why?

Why?

The engineer thought for a while.

Took her in his arms.

Looking in her deep eyes and said.

Asshole I already got back in three subject.

My family is already fucking me badly.

If you want to measure still than better measure my dick.

[MrWho]

Burn Patient.

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs. ".