Jokes & Humorous Stories

[CaribbeanGringo]

So these newlywed Italians arrive at their hotel after the ceremony. But they can't figure out what they are supposed to do. So the Italian boy calls up his Mom and says, "hey Mom...help me out, what am I supposed to do?"

She says, "now honey, just snuggle together on the couch, and you'll figure it out."

So he hangs up and they start snuggling on the couch, but pretty soon they can't figure out what to do next. So the boy calls his Mom back up and says, "ok Mom, we've been snuggling, what do we do next?"

She says, "now son, just start kissing and you'll figure out what else to do."

So he hangs up, and starts making out with his new wife, but they can't figure out what to do next. So he calls back his Mom.

"Mom, we've been kissing, but now what?"

"Ok, son, now listen closely. Take your longest thing and put it in her hairiest thing."

"Ok, mom, I'll give it a try."

A few minutes later, his mom's phone rings:

"Ok, mom. I've got my nose in her armpit, now what do I do?"

[BigBuddy]

Funny article from the Onion about prostitution. Kind of old but still funny.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3208/sexforsecurity.html

[Dick Johnson]

Hey RN! Thanks =)

(Too bad we didn't make it to Bali ;-)

[Rubber Nursey]

Welcome to RN's Useless Trivia 101:

The white wedding dress is only a relatively new concept, made popular by Queen Victoria in the late 1800's. In biblical times, BLUE was actually the symbol of purity...which is why the Virgin Mary is always portrayed wearing a blue dress and veil. (I read waaaay too many history books. I'm such a dork). These days I think it's just considered "the norm" to wear white, or variations of it, just as it's expected that you will wear black to a funeral. Although, very traditional people (like Italian Catholics for example) still seem to take the "white dress/virginity" thing pretty seriously. Some women probably still feel pressured by their families to keep up appearances.

I'm not into white weddings. I got married in an ivory dress. If I ever get married again, I'll be wearing a medieval gown with long flowing sleeves, flowers in my hair and bare feet...and there will be a feast afterwards, complete with bar wenches in low-cut corsets serving grog. *grin*

[Dick Johnson]

Sorry but gotta ask you guys(& gals) how serious is this white wedding dress thing? Don't most women who have been screwing still wear a white dress during wedding??

I dunno, my ex gf use to say she would want a beige dress.

DJ

[Kilgore Trout]

"Inquisition II: The MBI-trix"

Starring "The Orlando *****mongers"
and MBI Detective Ray Peters as Himself

[Peters and Trout, in the infamous MBI interrogation room.]

Agent Peters: You have a problem with authority, Mr. Trout. You believe that you are special, that somehow the rules do not apply to you. Obviously you are mistaken.

[Pulls out the "Trout Dossier," hardcopies of all Trout's "fiction" as well as a psycho-analysis prepared by the MBI profilers.]

Agent Peters: As you can see, [shuffles through the pages] we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Trout. It seems that you've been living two lives. In one life, you're Kilgore T. Trout, night manager of a popular 24-hour convenience store, you have a social security number, you pay your taxes, and you help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the *****board alias Headhunter and are guilty of virtually every morality crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Trout. You're here because we need your help. We know that you've been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Iron Worker. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.

Trout: Yeah. Wow, that sound like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call.

Agent Peters: Um, Mr. Trout. You disappoint me.

Trout: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.

Agent Peters: Tell me, Mr. Trout, what good is a phone call if you're unable to speak... [evil laugh] Mr. Trout, may I call you Kilgore? Thanks, I think I will. Actually, Kilgore, I somewhat enjoy your writing, and the celebrity status it has given me. But beware, you will slip up one day, and I will be there to nail your ass to the proverbial cross when you do. You are free to go now, but remember: I am watching.

Trout: Tell me Ray, you don't get laid much do you? Listen, I know this young black cutie who will suck you raw until your prostate positively begs for mercy. Forget this moral crusade of yours, and join Iron Worker and I on the dark side. We know you secretly envy us. And with your power, just think of what a great monger you could become. We are not criminals: we just like sex, and lots of it. Now tell me, is that so wrong? Give it a try, Ray my boy, you just might like it... [evil laugh]

[Ting Tong]

What does a right boob say to left boob?

[Organicgrowth]

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God how I miss him"

[Organicgrowth]

A monger walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Organicgrowth]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor appartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"****!" he said, and dropped her.

[Organicgrowth]

Two hot-shot business men are coming to the end of their extended lunch break in a restaurant:

John: "Wow, look at the ass on her, great tits and what a mouth! I’ve still got half an hour, maybe I’ll ask her for a 68.

Steve: "A 68 ?"

John: "Yea, she can give me a BBBJ and I’ll owe her one…"

[newjohn]

A little late for Halloween, but here it is anyway:

Q: What don't witches wear underwear?

A: To get a better grip on the broom.

[køsmik]

How is a Micro·wave Oven different from Anal Sex ??

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A Micro·wave Oven won't Brown your Meat !!

[Guess Who]

There was this young woman who was gorgeous and had a plan to marry some ol' geizer hoping to screw him to death on their wedding night and reep the rewards. A month later she married this 80 year old guy who could barely walk and she thought she'd be all set. On there wedding night she layed in bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom so she could screw the daylights out of him and be rich. The old guy comes out of the bathroom and she has a scared but puzzled look. He was naked but was wearing ear and noze plugs, also a condom on his twelve inch erection. She gasped and said "oh my, what are you doing?" The old guy responded "two things I hate the most, the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of rubber burning."

[Dickhead]

A pom from Belfast goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, every morning at seven I take a big shit." Doctor says, "I don't see that as a problem; it means you're regular. What's the problem?" Pommie says, "Well, for one thing, I don't get up until half past eight."