Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Wolvenvacht]

Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

[Wanking]

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters. But always talked about having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant.

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery.

To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child.

He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can.

Be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back? '

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time! '

[NoWahalla]

The woman you always wanted. But didn't know where to find.

[NoWahalla]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick, ' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet! ' and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you? ' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there? ' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths, ' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes? ' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

[NoWahalla]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times. '

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins? '

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you? '

Man: 'I'm Jewish. '

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this? '

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody! '

[NoWahalla]

Father O'Malley answers the phone and hears. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley? '

'It is! '

'This is the IRS. Can you help us? '

'I can! '

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do! '

'Is he a member of your congregation? '

'He is! '

'Did he donate $10, 000 to the church? '

'He will. '

[NoWahalla]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. '

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven. '

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times. '

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice. '

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins? '

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face. '

[NoWahalla]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman. '

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? '

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped. '

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box. '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box! '

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in! '

[Clydesdale]

Two good ol' boys up in the Kentucky hills were sitting on the front porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, and after getting off of work at the local coal mine.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,"If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know 'about kin, but it'd make us even."

[NoWahalla]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says,"Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What

Are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,"Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero 'stands and says defiantly,"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Wanking]

What's the best way to avoid getting dog shit on yourself?

Use a condom.

[Clydesdale]

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman

[Clydesdale]

My mother-in-law has been moaning for two days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her; she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.

[Clydesdale]

My friend's wife is six months pregnant. She asked me if I wanted to touch the baby. By her reaction, I think she meant from the outside.

[Clydesdale]

A chap goes to the doctor with a lump in the middle of his forehead, explaining that the lump was getting bigger, especially when he rubbed it.

After a couple of tests, the doctor told the chap that he was growing a penis on his forehead.

"I can't get out of bed and look at that every morning in the mirror!" exclaims the patient.

"You won't be able to," says the doc."your balls will be hanging in your eyes."