Jokes & Humorous Stories

[HenglenZZ]

A female patient in her late thirties, single since a few months, wanted to have sex with her gynaecologist.

With that in mind, she hatches a clever plot.

One day on one of her routine visits, she abruptly says to him 'Doctor! Doctor! There is a fly stuck in my vagina. Why don't you insert your fingers or something else and extract it?

Before the stunned doctor could even respond, she kicks off her shoes, throws her panties at his feet and lies on the operating bed.

The doctor stares at her freshly shaven and now slightly moist vagina for a moment.

'Close your eyes' he orders and she does so, her nipples now hard as granite.

After several seconds she feels something warm on her belly. She opens her eyes and sees that the doctor has taken a dump on her stomach.

'What the hell is this? She asks angrily.

'Flies are attracted to shit,' he grins. 'If there is a fly in there, it will come out in no time at all'.

[Red Kilt]

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks her:

Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question: do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you in case that creep shows again".

The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door. If he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this".

The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? ".

The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!

[HenglenZZ]

A father bull and his son are walking along the meadows when they spot a herd of cows far, far away.

So the son bull turns and says to his father: 'Daddy, daddy look! Let's run over there and fuck one of them. '

The father bull then smiles and replies wisely 'No my son. Let's walk over there and fuck them all. '

[Dopey1]

So Donald and Daisy Duck are celebrating a 2nd honeymoon. Romantic dinner, bottle of wine etc. Now back at the hotel they'd booked they fall into each other's arms and onto the bed. At which point Donald says "shit! I forgot to bring the condoms". So Daisy says "let's get some on Room Service". Donald duly calls Room Service, and five minutes later there's a quiet knock on the door. "Come in" calls out Donald and a uniformed waiter enters the room with a packet of condoms on a tray. "Would you like me to put this on your bill sir?" Enquires the waiter. Outraged Donald looks at him and says "What kind of a duck do you take me for!

[Zorp 001]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. The monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table. Whole!

"Sorry," replied the guy. "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything. ".

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a cherry on the bar table. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "he still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first. ".

[AussieGaigin]

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So. You finish?

After a short pause, she replies, "No. ".

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So. You finish?

And again, after a short pause, she just says "No. ".

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, "So. You finish?

"No. I'm Swedish. ".

[NewImage]

The same man next night having heard more numbers being called out and fellow prisoners laughing decides to try again. So he shouts out "98!" There is uproar as the entire prison including the guards dissolve in uncontrollable hysteria. The laughter continues for minutes. Glowing with pride at his success our man says to his cellmate "that seems to have gone down well". "I'm not surprised" came the reply "we've not heard that one before!

I'll join in with Dopey. The next night the same man yells out "89!" A few prisoners laugh but most know its the same joke just told a different way!

Ok I'll go now. Sorry!

[Dopey1]

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's lying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44! Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

It's pretty odd. And then he hears someone else yell out, "72!" followed by even more laughter.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.

"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier. ".

"Oh," he says, "can I try?

"Sure, go ahead. ".

So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.

"Hey, what happened wasn't it good joke?

"No it's a great joke," his cellmate says sadly, "it's just the way you tell it. ".

The same man next night having heard more numbers being called out and fellow prisoners laughing decides to try again. So he shouts out "98!" There is uproar as the entire prison including the guards dissolve in uncontrollable hysteria. The laughter continues for minutes. Glowing with pride at his success our man says to his cellmate "that seems to have gone down well". "I'm not surprised" came the reply "we've not heard that one before!

[NewImage]

Bert and Betty are watching TV one Saturday night and as usual Bert in typical male style is flicking on the remote from one channel to another.

First the fishing channel then the porn channel then back to the fishing channel then back to the porn channel.

After 10 minutes of this behaviour Betty screams out in frustration " will you just leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!

[AussieGaigin]

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. ".

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.

"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

[AussieGaigin]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please. Just one more time before die. ".

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could.".

At this point, the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!

[AussieGaigin]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother"s labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband"s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.

[Red Kilt]

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm. ".

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?

"You must be home by 2:00 am Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. ".

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5:00 am Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything. ".

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!

Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other. ".

[ArelaHerd]

At a local coffee bar, a woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!

[ArelaHerd]

Two kids are talking.

- My dad works twelve hours a day, so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worry.

- But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worry about?

- Well, what if they try to escape?