Jokes & Humorous Stories

[AussieGaigin]

A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.

A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, "Excuse me sir but are these your kids?

To which he replied, "No, I work for a company that manufactures condoms.

And these are customer complaints. ".

[AussieGaigin]

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's lying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44! Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

It's pretty odd. And then he hears someone else yell out, "72!" followed by even more laughter.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.

"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier. ".

"Oh," he says, "can I try?

"Sure, go ahead. ".

So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.

"Hey, what happened wasn't it good joke?

"No it's a great joke," his cellmate says sadly, "it's just the way you tell it. ".

[AussieGaigin]

In the local bar, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. ".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife. ".

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary. ".

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. ".

[Red Kilt]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day.

One of them, the older boy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the boy, "Son, how old are you?

"Eight," Jimmy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. ".

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," Jimmy said. "We saw on TV that if you used these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those. ".

[Red Kilt]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope. '.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. '.

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS! Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies."Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat. ".

[AussieGaigin]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man Arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him.

"'This is the one right here. ".

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks.

"Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder.

"I guess it's To hang your pants on. ".

[AussieGaigin]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

"What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor. ".

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says:

"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!

[AussieGaigin]

"What would you like?" says the barman.

"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife. ".

"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!

"No, what's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care. ".

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink. ".

"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?

"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy. ".

[Naked Gunz]

Which shall you pick? The door on the left or the door on the right? Which ever you choose, you shall soon have, so pick wisely, hahahahahahahahahah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LVl7ypltWU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aa7keHrWsM

[AussieGaigin]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. ".

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. ".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man. ".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life. " And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?

[Red Kilt]

The Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool.

If you put your ear up against it.

You can smell the ocean!!

[AussieGaigin]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother tearfully replies, 'he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'.

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replies her gran. 'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Sunday morning church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply moving in with the ding and out with the dong. '.

She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continues, 'he might still be alive today if that wretched Mr Whippy ice cream van hadn't passed by'.

[AussieGaigin]

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. ".

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house. Three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again. WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught. Worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob. Stone cold in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful. And expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself. ".

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ".

[AsianVid]

Well is this a joke? 2 guys fighting over a girl / hooker in the Antwerp red light district? https://youtu.be/40WzcIzpDVk.

[AussieGaigin]

Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters.

When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun.

The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go.

The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go.

Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck. " and the farmer shot him.