Jokes & Humorous Stories

[NicFrenchy]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"She tried a rubber device she ordered from some internet web site but it broke.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open!"

[Lorenzo]

a blonde's year in review
>
>
> january
> took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>
> february
> fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... helllloooo!!! ...
> bottles won't fit into pri nter!!!
>
> march
> got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said
> "2-4 years!"
>
> april
> trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
>
> may
> tried to make kool-aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't
> fit into those little packets!!!
>
> june
> tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
>
> july
> lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later the other
> swimmers cheated ... they used their arms!!!
>
> august
> got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was
> open.
>
> september
> the capital of california is "c" ... isn't it???
>
> october
> hate m & m's ... they are sooo hard to peel.
>
> november
> baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and i
> weigh 108!!
>
> december
> couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
> phone!!!
>
> jeeez ... what a year!!

[Yusta Vansel]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor
told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An
older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room. "What in the world is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Yusta Vansel]

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

[Turbo Pascal]

a woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend.

the woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said, "what a beautiful baby boy! little jesse looks just like his father."

"i know," replied the woman, "i just wish he looked more like my husband.

[Turbo Pascal]

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs
sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no
legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man
smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad
smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Turbo Pascal]

A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"

"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"

[Horologist]

A BEER IS BETTER…

The Bangkok version

Editors Note: Thanks to the merry group of beer drinkers (John, John, and John), who endured several nights out in Patpong, Soi Cowboy and NEP brainstorming this version. The groups combined total of more than 85 years living in Thailand (and only God knows how many beers & women) allows us to speak with experience.

Beer never calls or writes to ask for money.
Beer doesn’t ask for gold jewelry.
A beer is the best thing to pick up at the Marine Bar.
Beer never asks where you came from (or what your name is).
Beer never has a sick mother.
Beer doesn’t need to be fed every two hours.
Beer doesn’t wear a number.
You don’t need to wear a condom to drink a beer.
You can drink a beer EVERYDAY of the month.
Beer doesn’t have a sister with absolutely NO family resemblance.
Beer has a good reputation.
Beer makes you want more.
Beer won’t show up or call the next day.
Beer doesn’t have a friend named Noi.
Beer knows when to leave.
Beer always tastes good.
Beer never leaves you disappointed when you take off the label.
After you’ve had a beer…no one else can.
Beer gives a bitter head.
Beer doesn’t hang around.
You can be certain you’re the first one to open a beer.
Beer can’t make a long distance call on your mobile when you’re in the toilet.
A beer doesn’t want to sit on your lap.
Beer never worked for the Kings Group.
Beer never worked at a Rainbow Bar.
Beer can dance.
A beer is never a katoey.
Beer never leaves lipstick or scratch marks.
Getting rid of a beer is easy.
You don’t have to share a beer with the rest of Bangkok.
A beer doesn’t look at others when you put your lips on it.
A beer never worries about its figure.
A beer never calls you “kee nieo” (sticky shit or miserly).
A beer is taller than most Thai women.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a nose job.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a tit job.
Bar fine for a beer is only 60 Baht.
A beer won’t give you AIDS.
A beer is the best looking thing at Thermae at closing time.
With a beer, “Happy Hour” always is.
It’s easy to manage a beer.
Beer doesn’t have to talk with Trink every week (only you old hands will get this).
Beer doesn’t come from Issan.
When beer goes flat, you can throw it out.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn’t come to work on a motorbike.
Legs don’t get in the way when you lift a six-pack.
You can get beer into a glass without KY.
A beer bottle never needs batteries.
Beer doesn’t have stretch marks.
Beer has a garden, not a bush.
Beer never comes in your hand and always leaves when it’s finished.
A beer doesn’t fart when you’ve finished having fun with it.
Beer never gets pregnant.
No beer is “coyote ugly”.
Beer never insists on keeping you until it’s finished.
Beer never insists you quench its thirst.
Beer could never amputate your dick.
Beer is here today and gone tomorrow.
Beer doesn’t eat grasshoppers.
Beer only has a drippy glass.
When you put a sack over beer it stays on.
A beer only weighs 12oz.
A beer never wants to “tio” (making the rounds to her hangouts).
You don’t need 2 hands to hold a beer.
A beer doesn’t make you shower first.
You don’t need to tip a beer.
A beer never asks for taxi money.
Beers foam is blonde.
The sweat on a beer has no odor.
You can see though a beer.
Beer is easier to understand.
Beer never wants more money after you’ve paid for it.
Beer doesn’t wear make-up.
Beer doesn’t dance while talking on a mobile phone.
Beer is always wet.

[Robbaf]

school 1967 vs. school 2007

scenario: jack goes hunting before school, gets to school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - vice principal comes over, looks at jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show jack.
2007 - school goes into lockdown, the fbi is called, jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

scenario: johnny and mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - crowd gathers. mark wins. johnny and mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - police are called, swat team arrives and arrests johnny and mark. they are charged with assault and both are expelled even though johnny started it.

scenario: jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - jeffrey is given huge doses of ritalin. becomes a zombie. tested for add. school gets extra state funding because jeffrey has a disability.

scenario: billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. state psychologist tells billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

scenario: mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - mark shares aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - police are called and mark is expelled from school for drug violations. his car is searched for drugs and weapons.

scenario: pedro fails high-school english.

1967 - pedro goes to summer school, passes english, goes to college.
2007 - pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making english a requirement for graduation is racist. us civil liberties association files class action lawsuit against state school system and pedro's english teacher. english is banned from core curriculum. pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak english.

scenario: johnny takes apart leftover independence day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - ants die.
2007 - homeland security and fbi are called and johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confirep001ed, and johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

scenario: johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. his teacher, mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. she faces three years in federal prison. johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[Turbo Pascal]

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.
He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"
"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?

[Turbo Pascal]

Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding up in bed these days?"

The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."

"How's that?"

"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere."

[Yusta Vansel]

Will I be the first to do this to you ?"
whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

[Yusta Vansel]

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well, so
they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure
that out ?"

The girl said, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, so they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a great
dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist,
How did you figure that out?"

The girl replied, "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"

[Turbo Pascal]

the girl called a sex therapist and said, "remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? well, last night i found a new route... now i need some birth control pills."

the doc asked, "what's his occupation?"

the girl said, "army."

"active or retired?"

"if he wasn't active, i wouldn't need these damn pills, would i?!"

[Turbo Pascal]

The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."