Jokes & Humorous Stories

[NoWahalla]

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home. They had been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks, "If I pull out my penis, would you hold it?" The woman agrees and so every day they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the man's penis. One day the woman went to the garden early and found the man with another woman. She approached the man and asked what the other woman has that she doesn't.

The man replied gleefully "Parkinson's!

[NoWahalla]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling.

"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!

[NoWahalla]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. " she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess. ".

[Jp Slicky]

A master juggler and a great pool player.

[G Schyman]

A true legend. There is a bar in BKK called the pickled live full of Pictures of him..

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women, the other half I wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.".

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.".

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.".

"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.".

[Jp Slicky]

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women, the other half I wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.".

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.".

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.".

"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.".

[Wanking]

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said,"Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.

[BestBeer]

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says,"I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says,"Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

[BestBeer]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,

Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

[BestBeer]

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"

Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

[Wanking]

Guy Writes The Greatest Complaint Letter Ever To Airline For Having To Sit Next To An Obese Person On Flight;

http://www.stunnish.com/guy-writes-g...er-to-airline/

Dear Jetstar,

Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne. Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname. Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, 'hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe'. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both 'crew only' rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: [Redacted], or tweet me

[Scott79]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts,"Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,"Error. Not long enough."

[Red Kilt]

What is a Dilemma?

A student asked his English Professor,

'What is the definition of a dilemma?".

The Professor said, 'well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that".

"Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side,

and a gay man on the other".

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[AussieGaigin]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her,"Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said,"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started. _____________________.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. __________________________.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,"What's on TV?" I said,"Dust." And then the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,"The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied,"And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started. _____________________________.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too. ' And then the fight started. _______________________.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. ' I replied,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started. _______.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

[AussieGaigin]

I recently spent $14, 500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service all the cows within two days, every last one of them! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a bluddy machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him.

But they taste kind of like peppermint.