Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Cons68]

In a jewish-christian culture it works. It would probably not work in Asia or in Muslims world (or maybe yes)

Some of the jewish jokes I heard in Kansas in the Jewish Community Center sauna you would not believe. But then there was a bunch of Soviet jews there with a most warped sense of humor (classical performers I think, at least by training) I have never seen such a mixture of high-culture, low-humour and self-deprecation.

Would this joke have been less funny if the word "jewish" had been omitted?

In other words, what makes it funny? The fact that it riles the jews, or just the good humour? I think it is the later.

[Clydesdale]

I gazed into her eyes
My heart was pounding
Lips trembling, unable to speak
Sweat forming on my brow.
She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget.
"That's him Officer"

[Clydesdale]

I was sitting in a bar and my buddy said "See those 2 drunks over there? That's us in 10 years". I said "That's a mirror you idiot"

[Clydesdale]

You shouldn't have sex before marriage because it makes you late for the ceremony

[Clydesdale]

Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom. Sorry, I meant to spell gum."

[Jp Slicky]

My wife. I think she is fooling around I am telling ya. The other day I asked the cab driver to take me where the action is, and he took me to my house.

My cousin is gay. He all depressed now since he found out Big Ben is a clock.

I tell ya that Viagra works great. The woman I was with the other night chipped a tooth.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My wife wants sex in the back seat of the car. And she wants me to drive.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

(These are all Jokes from the great Rodney Dangerfield) Hope they bring a few smiles out there

[Jp Slicky]

If it we'nt for pickpockets, I would have no sex life at all (Rodney Dangerfield)

[Dreams]

Two women discussing. Tell me, what is sex?

- Sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.

- And what is good sex?

- Good sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed, you actually enjoy it, and he leaves lots of money on your table.

- And what is love?

- Love? That's a Jewish invention to avoid leaving money on the table.

Would this joke have been less funny if the word "jewish" had been omitted?

In other words, what makes it funny? The fact that it riles the jews, or just the good humour? I think it is the later.

[NoWahalla]

Two women discussing. Tell me, what is sex?

- Sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.

- And what is good sex?

- Good sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed, you actually enjoy it, and he leaves lots of money on your table.

- And what is love?

- Love? That's a Jewish invention to avoid leaving money on the table.

[AussieGaigin]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more'. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

[AussieGaigin]

Found this on another site some may be familiar with them:

He said. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said. You wear pants don't you?
*
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
*
He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*
He said. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said. I would but you're never there.
*
He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said. They don't have time.
*
He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said. We don't know; it has never happened.
*
He said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said. They already have boyfriends.
*
He said. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
She said. A widow.
*
He said. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[D Cups]

Hey, I like Shane's comics.

I second that motion. The comic book has worn out its welcome.

[D Cups]

There was guy at the beach who like to bury himself in the sand except for one part of his body (his enormous dick). Apparently he wanted to get it as tan as the rest of him. Just then two old ladies walked by and one said to the other "when I was 9 years old I wondered what that was; when I was 19 I found out; when I was 29 I really liked it; when I was 39 I couldn't get enough; when I was 49 it was getting scarce; when I was 59 I had to pay for it. Now I am 69 and LOOK: it is growing WILD on the beach!"

This is a good one to tell the ladies.

[Poucolouco]

Why don't you post your childish pictures in the proper section? This one is the Jokes and Humorous Stories thread!

I second that motion. The comic book has worn out its welcome.

[Menteng]

This is a good one.

Why don't you post your childish pictures in the proper section? This one is the Jokes and Humorous Stories thread!