Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Freeler]

And to celebrate my 700th post:

Why did God invent yeast infections?
So women would know what it is like to live with an irritating c**t.

[Freeler]

My wife and I were happy for thirty years.
Then we met.

[KC Questor]

A women walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

She said, "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

[Rush 2112]

If gays in Massachusetts are being given marriage licenses, how come lesbian couples aren't being given liquor licenses?

[Rush 2112]

A soon to be seen gay wedding announcement in a Massachusetts newspaper:

Gerald Fitzpatrick to wed Patrick Fitzgerald.

[Warpig2000]

First Date

A young girl was going on a date. Her
grandmother said: "Sit here and let me
tell you about those young boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going
to like that, but don't let
Him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you
are going to like that but
don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get
on top of you to have his way
with you. You are going to like that, but don't
let him do that. It will
disgrace the family." With that bit of advice,
the granddaughter went on her
date.

The next day she told grandma that her
date went just like she had
predicted:

Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace
the family. When he tried, I
just turned over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family..."
Granny fainted

[Stoner]

Bad joke...I know. But dammit, I just had to. I couldn't resist.

[MeatMan]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter.

"I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

[Dickhead]

This year I got a sweater for my birthday. I was very disappointed; I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

[MeatMan]

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?' 'About 35,' was the reply. 'I'm actually 47,' the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, 'Oh, you look about 29.' 'I am actually 47!' she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, 'I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age.

If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age. 'There was no one around, so the woman said, 'What the hell?' and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, 'OK, You are 47.'Stunned, the woman said, 'That was brilliant! How did you do that?' The old man replied, 'I was behind you in line at McDonalds.'

[Guess Who]

A virgin couple is about to get married. The groom is very nervous about the honeymoon and turns to his best man and said "I've never had sex before, what do you do?" The best man being his friend said "the first night on your honeymoon I'll be in the hall outside you're room, when you get stumped act like you're going to the vending machine and I'll coach you through." "Great" said the groom.

That night the couple is in the room, the groom is washing up while the wife is laying naked in bed waiting impatiently. Now the wife has to take a dump and not wanting to disturb her husband she shits in a box from under the bed and flings it across the room.

The husband then finishes in the bathroom and heads for the bed. He steps in the box screaming "ahh there's shit in this box!" The friend in the hall yells "roll her over stupid!"

[Worf1972]

What did one gay guy say to the other gay guy at the bar?

"Excuse me sir, may I push your stool in"?

[Worf1972]

Little boy goes, " mommy mommy today I am 11 years old".

Mommy says, "that's great".

Little boy runs into the other room and says," Uncle Micheal guess how old I am today"?

Uncle Micheal says, "come here and let me put my hands in your pants". After uncle Micheal pulls out his hands he says, "today you are 11 years old".

Little boy says," Wow Uncle Micheal how did you guess that"?

Uncle Micheal says, " I heard you tell your Mother in the other room".

[Worf1972]

Man is reading the morning paper, wife walks up from behind and smacks him in the back of the head.

Man said, "Ouch, what you do that for?".

Wife says," I found this girl's number, Susie in your pocket".

Man says, " Honey I was at the horse races yesterday, Susie is the horse in the third race."

Wife says, " OH honey I am so sorry".

Later that night the man is watching the ball game on TV.
BANG!

Wife hits him over the head with the iron, knocks the man out completely. He wakes up and says, " honey why , why did you hit me?".

Wife says, " YOUR HORSE JUST CALLED!"

[CEO Morgan]

What to do with an ex-wife's wedding dress:

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=63851&item=4146756343&rd=1