Seeking Arrangements

[Gentleman Travel]

Yeah, I'm not going to give up on her. She had sex with me because she likes me. That by itself makes her very valuable to me. Plus, she is young and pretty, she lives nearby, has her own place, and is willing to bareback.

Maybe I'll do some lunch dates and some cuddling before I try to get her back into the sack. Eventually, though, I want this to end up as an "arrangement. " I don't want her thinking that this could lead to marriage. And I think the main way to signal that is to give her cash. This will let her know that this is something in-between prostitution and a real relationship. Which is what we all want from an arrangement to begin with, right? BUT, the truth is, I really am giving her cash to help her out, not just for the sex. She mentioned to me once that she can barely make ends meet with her current job, and so she's been studying to become a florist (I have no idea how a florist makes more money than a receptionist). So, as suggested, whenever I give her cash, I will tell her it is to help her and that it makes me happy to help her.

I still cannot believe myself. I can't believe I just showed up at her door, took a shower, and started making out with her and then moved to DATY...

Obviously you really like this girl and shouldn't give up on her, but equally you cannot let this misstep (if it was one) change the basic dynamic. DO NOT settle for non-sexual dates. That sets a terrible precedent and shifts the power to her. The one advantage mongers have is we have realized that we have power in these relationships and we discover that that works pretty well with a lot of women. It is fine to keep your foot on the gas when you are on a date with a girl. Make it clear that you expect to get to the finish line on the first (or worst-case, the second) date. I make it clear to my GFs (who are all some variation of SG) that I expect sex every date and they must plan for that. Like we can't go out partying until late then she decides she has to go home. That only happens once.

[Gentleman Travel]

. But when we first kissed at the restaurant bar she looked pensive and when I asked what she was thinking she said "I just realized I've never kissed a married man before!" We still continued our date and later made out at the rooftop bar and at her car. She was totally worked up at that point nearly eating my face and grabbing my package. But duh being totally unskilled at the time I let the moment pass. Oh well live and learn. She's the one that got away.

She's probably kissed and fucked dozens of married (or partnered) guys before. Just they weren't honest with her.

[Steve 9696]

I have also tried "Unhappily married' and no sex on the home front. The mystery part stokes their inquisitive nous and I don't want that.

Another that worked for me in Philippines ie "Yes, I'm married in my home country and I'm single here". That usually got a laugh and the end of the topic.

Love the "married at home but single when traveling" line. I find it rather annoying that SA doesn't provide a reasonable selection list that includes "married but not dead". Oh well.

So on this topic I am always honest. In general I try to be honest with the girls. Seems to pay off in the long run because there are no surprises or missed expectations. Actually I always have sex with my wedding ring on. LOL. So no lack of transparency here!

My second SB date ever ended up a sex-fail as a result of my status. But that was only because I was a newbie. Could totally have closed the deal now that I have the basics of game. She knew going in that I was married and was Ok with it. But when we first kissed at the restaurant bar she looked pensive and when I asked what she was thinking she said "I just realized I've never kissed a married man before!" We still continued our date and later made out at the rooftop bar and at her car. She was totally worked up at that point nearly eating my face and grabbing my package. But duh being totally unskilled at the time I let the moment pass. Oh well live and learn. She's the one that got away.

The other funny one was a girl that knew full well I was married and we met up near my home town. She came in pants and a frumpy jacket and large glasses. Total cold fish while drinking and having some snacks. When she was at the bathroom I regrouped in my head. Met it head on and said it seemed she didn't have chemistry with me and she's like "no I really like you and think you are super handsome. I just didn't want to get you in trouble in public. Is it OK if I kiss you?" (Yes). "want to come back to my apartment?" (Yes). And she turns out to be a tatted up stripper with a banging body underneath all that. Just was being nice! LOL.

Never a dull moment in SA land.

[PilotPaul]

Yeah, I believe this is the best option too, but as soon as I say I'm married, then she starts to act like a pro. She treats dates as appointments, and she pretends to like me. And this defeats the purpose for being on SA, or having an arrangement, to begin with. When they think I'm single, it's like having a real GF, which is why I use SA to begin with. A lot of girls go onto SA to find rich and successful BFs. But don't get me wrong. I've gotten burned going the "single" route, which is why saying I am married is perhaps the best route in the long run, especially for making the inevitable exit down the road a smooth exit.

Another option is to just say "let's keep it a mystery. ".

I have also tried "Unhappily married' and no sex on the home front. The mystery part stokes their inquisitive nous and I don't want that.

Another that worked for me in Philippines ie "Yes, I'm married in my home country and I'm single here". That usually got a laugh and the end of the topic.

[Midwestern]

I am on the side of advising I am married as being the best strategy..

Yeah, I believe this is the best option too, but as soon as I say I'm married, then she starts to act like a pro. She treats dates as appointments, and she pretends to like me. And this defeats the purpose for being on SA, or having an arrangement, to begin with. When they think I'm single, it's like having a real GF, which is why I use SA to begin with. A lot of girls go onto SA to find rich and successful BFs. But don't get me wrong. I've gotten burned going the "single" route, which is why saying I am married is perhaps the best route in the long run, especially for making the inevitable exit down the road a smooth exit.

Another option is to just say "let's keep it a mystery. ".

[PilotPaul]

However, I am still torn. Tell them you're married or tell them you are divorced and single? Obviously, it doesn't matter what the truth is.
Any other opinions?

I am on the side of advising I am married as being the best strategy. Most girls in the SA business understand that the majority of guys on that site that can never host are most likely married. As are many of the women that don't host.

I have tried 'separated' with 'kid at home' which is a good cover for not hosting and not staying over at night. This makes the girl less cautious when out and about. I did juggle one girl for two years that I was 'separated' and it was stressful.

The girl that knows you are married will select restaurant tables that are obscured. She may even declare a her patch of town where she won't expect to find you and she won't venture into your 'patch'. The girl will also avoid calling you at family time or checking your phone or making too many enquires.

I have tried 'divorced' but I find that opens up discussions about what happened? The future, her story etc etc. Not a topic I like.

The girls that I am still rooting / friends / dinners with now I told from Day 1 that I was married. The girls that turn off at that point will have been a problem down the track.

The other thing is if the girl knows you are married and you then tell her you need to breakup so you can concentrate on your wife. The girl never comes back after that.

The secret of a +25 years of marriage is to choose wisely.

[Midwestern]

After a few dates or once you are in an arrangement, the topic of whether you're married is usually asked, usually in casual conversation.

What is the optimal answer?

My friend who is on SA says that it is best is to say that you're divorced with one kid. This way, we look like normal guys. This is for guys in their 40's and 50's.

I used to say that I was divorced and single, to incentivise GFE. In the short run, it does work, but now I think the best thing is to tell them that you're married. Maybe she'll be disappointed at first, but it's best for the long run arrangement. So that she knows it's just an arrangement, and there is no disappointment later.

However, I am still torn. Tell them you're married or tell them you are divorced and single? Obviously, it doesn't matter what the truth is.

Any other opinions?

This is obviously is moot for one-offs or someone that you only will see a few times. This only applies to long term.

[Akibono]

Opportunity cost has to include the frustration of dealing with a drama queen. Opportunity cost when you send a text is = sending text + time wasted on expecting a reply + time wasted on analyzing the response + time wasted on figuring out what to say next + time / peace of mind wasted in feeling bad about the whole thing. Wash rinse repeat. And pretty soon becomes a headache.

What may be true for the average may not be true for an individual case. Every day is not hot every summer.

[SonicBoom1]

The 'opportunity cost' is still small compared to what he has invested. And the return is great based on what WM said. So I think it is far from the point that it is not worth it.

Opportunity cost has to include the frustration of dealing with a drama queen. Opportunity cost when you send a text is = sending text + time wasted on expecting a reply + time wasted on analyzing the response + time wasted on figuring out what to say next + time / peace of mind wasted in feeling bad about the whole thing. Wash rinse repeat. And pretty soon becomes a headache.

[Nounce]

You have your 'opportunity cost' of not being free to put your attention to other hotties. If I'm getting those text replies then its time for me to move on. While it's true it's a low cost to send a few text messages, you could be putting that same cost into the next shinny object.

The 'opportunity cost' is still small compared to what he has invested. And the return is great based on what WM said. So I think it is far from the point that it is not worth it.

[Nounce]

She mentioned to me once that she can barely make ends meet with her current job, and so she's been studying to become a florist (I have no idea how a florist makes more money than a receptionist). So, as suggested, whenever I give her cash, I will tell her it is to help her and that it makes me happy to help her.

You know that sometimes people don't make good education investment decision. Maybe she is thinking about owning her own shop.

Cash is much more common than gift in that part of the world. Even in traditional marriage, male side will give female side a predetermined sum of money. You can check with your local friends to find out when bonus is given out. I think you just passed a significant one which is the dragon boat festival. Next possible one is the mid-autumn festival.

[Akibono]

Warning: This post contains no useful info.

After our first "date," which was just us bare backing at her home for a couple of hours, here is what happened afterwards. The next night, I asked her when I can see her again. She then goes off on a tirade asking me how many GFs I have, and, do I always go to girl's homes. I could tell she was really mad. I guess I acted like going to her place for sex was normal, but now that I think about it, it's totally not normal. Since she is an office worker and not a pro, I should have asked her out on a real date. I have been whoring so much, I don't even know what normal is anymore. It's weird though, because she must have known what she was signing up for when she invited me into her home. I could lie to her, to keep this relationship going, but I don't want to do that, because that will definitely not end well. So, I may never see her again. Oh well. I have the memories at least. But damn, she was ideal. Anyway, sorry to waste people's times.

I think she invited you to her place to get to know you and things went a bit further than expected. She did like you. She probably did not know when to say stop. You are a foreigner and that comes with a reputation of playing the field and leaving. Her friends may also influence her. Plus, there is potential embarrassment and loss of face for being used. You need to show your sincerity. Instead of offering, just send her a gift with an apology. It has to be right. Not cheap, but not so expensive that it looks like you are buying her. If you come up with a story of having a hard life when you were young and the money was to help her family because you have been there, that may go a long way. You should also expect a few meet ups before sex again and you will have to ask instead of assume.

[SonicBoom1]

You have your 'opportunity cost' of not being free to put your attention to other hotties. If I'm getting those text replies then its time for me to move on. While it's true it's a low cost to send a few text messages, you could be putting that same cost into the next shinny object.

Agreed. Write it off Midwestern, and move on. Just my $0. 02.

[SonicBoom1]

Try to distance any gifts from the act. We all eat meat but we keep the transaction at a distance. Surely none of us wants to pay a guy to kill a cow in front of us. We want the paying as far from the killing as possible. Same applies here.

She just wants to be assured she's not a sl*t.

Spot on. Great analogy. Applies to a certain situation I'm facing at work.

[PilotPaul]

Anyway, small update: I keep texting her. But she only replies with a smilely or a hug emoji. That's it. She's usually very chatty on text, because her job is incredibly boring. But now she is keeping it short. More than half the time, she just ignores my text. Yesterday, I offered to bring her lunch, and she just texted back with two words: "don't need. " And then I asked, "how about some fruit?" And she just texted back, "no. " But I will persist. I have nothing to lose now.

You have your 'opportunity cost' of not being free to put your attention to other hotties. If I'm getting those text replies then its time for me to move on. While it's true it's a low cost to send a few text messages, you could be putting that same cost into the next shinny object.