Cali Reports

[Surfer]

Chupolongas: ATM fees are more onpoint than you carrying on your petty little love triangle with Simpleman & Frijole here on the board. Antifreeze is out of the country and will not be posting for some period, and even he subsequently realized his error by applauding your ridiculous post. I am NOT "taking sides" as I couldn't give a mierda why they did not invite you to join them on their trip (and I doubt anybody else cares either).

[Rabo Verde]

Yeah, anyone know where I can save 10 cents on ATM fees, LOL?

[Surfer]

Caballeros: Let us cease this off topic discussion and return to ON topic material like: how dangerous Cali is for gringos, or how the chicas are so much less friendly than in Cartagena, how the only casa with lookers is Flores Frescas or, better yet, how Cali is really overrated.

[King of Sluts]

Dear Mongers,

Simple Man and Frijole are always standing up for each other, they are bi-sexual lovers. I have heard this from Chuponalgas.

Beware of Simple man and Frijole, they are very sneaky.

KOS

[Rabo Verde]

Neener x3. Guess I have to put a big THIS IS A JOKE sign on my funnies for you serious types!! Hey do they have a Western Union office in Cali???? LOL xo CN

[Simple Man]

Antifreeze, thank you for the apology but it was completely unnecessary. Frijole, Chuponalgas and I do all know each other and absent knowledge of personal history the story is pretty funny. But with personal knowledge some of the things put in his story have a meaning that is quite offensive to both Frijole and myself.

Apparently, like an immature child Chuponalgas is lashing out because he somehow feels that he was slighted by not being invited to travel with us to Colombia. This ignores the facts that he had previous travel plans to another location, that our trip was finalized at the last minute and that Chuponalgas does not like Colombia. Despite his numerous posts, he lasted a total of three days in Cali, barely leaving his hotel and on his lone trip to Medellin holed up in his room and ventured out only to eat.

Regardless, any issues between us are personal and should remain private unless Chuponalgas chooses otherwise.

[Antifreeze]

Simple Man and Frijole,

I didn't mean to support Chuponalgas in uncalled hits on you guys. If his message was meant to insult both of you, than none of it is funny at all. I just thought the nature of the post was to relax a bit and get a laugh (although I wouldn't want that to happen at anyone's expense). I just thought it was a joke between buddies (do not know the history between your relationship, if any). I am sorry to be so much of an unpolitical idiot when it comes to these types of things. If there are 5 interpretations on something, and only one of them involves having a non-threatening and non-disruptive message, then that's the one I normally pick. That helps me keeping faith in humanity as a whole.

Freeze

[Simple Man]

Hey Chuponalgas,

With your legal history you should probably be careful about jokes involving elementary schools. Doesn't that violate your probation or something?

[Frijole]

often times when one wrongfully attributes characteristics to others it is because they are trying to control their own unsavory urges. knowing chuponalgas i understand that his calling me a bi-sexual, homosexual and **** are his pathetic cry for help as he is loosing his battle against his own unnatural urges. accordingly instead of anger i feel pity towards the pathetic creature he has become.

ps chuponalgas, would you like to go skiing? i hear its great this time of year.

[Antifreeze]

This is so funny! Thanks for the good laugh Chuponalgas.

Freeze

[Rabo Verde]

Panicked Prostitutes Flee Colombian City
Interamericas Press, September 4, 2004
By Carlos Carajo, Staff Reporter
Cali, Colombia

Hundreds of prostitutes mobbed local bus stations in Cali, Colombia, early Friday, seeking to flee this picturesque Colombian city. Tickets to all destinations soon sold out, and some tickets were being resold for double and triple their face value by opportunistic scalpers.

The mass exodus of traumatized trollops began on Friday morning when the authorities announced the imminent arrival of the notorious bisexual Gringo couple, SIMPLE MAN and FRIJOLE.

By 3 P.M. Friday afternoon, photos of the fearsome duo had been distributed to the area brothels, and the exodus grew to a full-scale torrent of panicked putas. Amelia Gonzales, 19, who normally works at Flores Frescas, an upscale Cali brothel, waited in line for four hours to buy a one-way bus ticket to Bogota, where she plans to become a nun. "I have been ravished by hundreds of smelly sweaty drunk guys, and I have to perform in the Lesbian dildo show every night" she says, as she waits for the bus to leave, "but even I have to have some self-respect and draw the line somewhere!".

Adding to the fear were reports from working girls who actually survived previous encounters with the Gringo duo. Elisabeth Hernandez, 22, who had serviced FRIJOLE in 2003, recalls showering repeatedly for hours after the nightmarish encounter. "I felt dirty for months afterwards. I pray to the virgin every day to help me forget, but nothing could erase those horrible memories".

Carmen Varijas shudders as she recalls her 2003 encounter with SIMPLE MAN. “I felt like I was having sex with El Diablo himself” she sobs, “the only thing that saved me was that his penis was very small, I had not seen one so small like that since third grade!” Ms. Varijas still wakes up screaming at least once a week, but she manges to survive with the help of her faith. "I would kill myself but I would leave my beautiful little 2 year old daughter motherless. I live now only for her, to protect her from having a hellish experience like I had."

Nervous non-working women also packed local markets, stocking up on food and water so they would not have to emerge from their homes while the Gringos are in Cali. Rosa Valencia, 87, said she realized it was unlikely that the Gringos would ravish her, but decided she wasn't taking any chances. She bought enough food to stay indoors for at least two weeks.

City authorities declared martial law and posted armed guards in fornt of the city's elementary schools. Beginning Monday morning teams of volunteer psychologists will be visiting all local brothels and elementary schools to counsel women, and especially any young girls, who become suicidal after seeing the Americans naked. The Cali Fire Department was also put on alert, and its Hazardous Materials Squad is prepared to dispose of any used condoms discarded by the Americans.

Cali Secretary of Tourism Hector Ramirez bemoaned the damage that would befall Cali's reputation as a result of the Gringo visitors, saying "I don't know why those two homos don't just stay in Mexico and bugger each other. We even tried to get FARC to kidnap them, but they refused".

[Antifreeze]

Since I have not been able to find transportation for my horse to go to Pereira, I had to cancel my trip. Thanks anyway to everyone provided the information but, sadly there won't be any report.

Freeze

[Poobah]

Ok here are my reprinted (sort of) thoughts.

I had the same experience as LDP. I had been to Cali once and hated it, went again, liked it better but still no match for Cartagena.

On the whole LDP said it all. The casas just aren't 'all that' and the talent pool is pretty shallow. I would've been ok with that if they had been cooler, but you really had to work harder to have a chick mellow out and drop the 'hard-core' 'tude than in Cartagena.


To be fair, I did meet the hottest chick of my entire trip in Cali (although the one I call 'the Goddess' comes close in Cart). I also had to pay her more than any other chica the entire trip (this time though, I really thought I got what I paid for). That's her pic below. Trust me, the front was even better than the back. I had rarely beheld such perfection in my life. She wanted something like 600k for the night. Totally out of what I was paying but I gotta say, I have some regrets I didn't do it.

I did meet Freeze and we chilled for awhile. I took a hike to 3 Crosses about an hour after this chica left my hotel and dehydrated got up at the ungodly vacation hour of 8 to start our hike at 9. There was some dude selling CARROT JUICE at the top of this mountain. I couldn't believe it. Some of the best carrot juice I ever had.

I also met the coolest Colombian hippy on the street. The guy was totally cool and sold me a few special cigarillos for a very cheap (2k a blunt) price. Damn special stuff, and I know my tobacco (*g*)

Also had a great hotel, and while I've heard some say they will hassle the chicks, I never had a prob. In fact, this one lil cutie (the best deal by FAR in Cali at 60k a pop) came by and door dude escorted her to my room (mm... maybe Cali wasn't so bad after all).

I think if I go back (and yeah, I probably will) I will hook up with a couple dudes that have some freelancer chica's digits. I will also avail myself a little more of the street scene. There are some diamonds in that rough.

But still, my first choice is going to be Cartagena , Cartagena, Cartagena. You get the pimping apartmento and you will get totally sucked into the vortex known as Laguito. You will ***** about it. You will be back. Trust me on this!

[Poobah]

FUCK FUCK. I wish if the pic was too big you didn't lose ALL your goddammed text when posting. SHIT!!

I am going to post this fucking pic first then my thoughts.

[Antifreeze]

I appreciate your input JMan, as well as yours Ricker.

JMan, would you have some addresses for casas or hotels to provide me so I can have a smoother landing in Pereira? I am really almost empty-handed, and not to be prepared may mean having a lousy trip, which is not high on my wish-list.

Thanks in advance.

Freeze