Lisbon

[Lapin]

Muri
thanks for the advice. I revised my plans imediately and I arive in Lisbon in middle September! Since the last time I was in Lisbon was almost two years ago I was wondering if the local people can give us an update on the apartments situation. From my last visit I remember MK, Gissele, Classic Ladies and New center. And from the recent posts I also have the address of Miaus Klub. Is my list still valid or perhaps some of these places are closed?

[Murilloa]

Lapin, it's good to know this was useful, but one small word of caution - it is possible that some of the clinics take a break during August.

Mirage Klub definitely had a three week holiday in that month last year, time which Diana put to good use on the nudist section of Caparica beach, restoring her stupendous all-over tan (The dunes behind the beach must have been even more crowded than usual with furtive wankers).

But the establishments which do remain open will maintain their little box advertisement in the print version of the CM - and certainly a senior monger like yourself will find action: good luck, and make Mur jealous by writing a report...

[Lapin]

Muri
I am glad I asked the question a few days ago. Your return put the Lisbon back on fire again! Thanks for the very useful advice. I will be visiting Lisbon in August and I was making a list of contacts from these internet sides. After reading your report I decided to stick with a list of apartments to visit. This was my apprach last year and it was quite successfull. I suppose I can spot the new places in the local newspaper. I will also take a look at the new site in portugese.

[Peaceful]

Muri you know you're the best! Hope London is smiling to you, but when you have the time revisit Lisbon. Cheers!

Please someone copy his latest post to the Reports of Distinction.

[Murilloa]

Not long before his exile, Mur discovered a forum in Portuguese. Now, if you do not speak the language, you may not want to read on, but wait… even with no Portuguese at all, you can find useful addresses and numbers, and also interesting evaluations of the ladies, because many locals favour a universal TD or ‘test drive’ format as seen in motor magazines when some new mega-polluting vehicle is under review (There are many Portuguese guys who, if forced to choose forever between sex and motoring, would go for option two).

So, you might find a review like this one:

TD POSITIVA
Nome: Diana
Idade: +/- 25
Cara: bonita, simpática 8/10
Cor: morena
Corpo: elegante, 1,60m, bem feita
Mamas: boas, a apontar para o céu
Rabo: muito bom
Oral: com camisa, médio 7/10
Anal: não creio que faça
Vaginal: 9/10
Beija: uns selitos
Local: Paralela à Avenida da Liberdade, na zona da UAL
Preço: 80 euros meia hora / 100 euros uma hora
Contacto: 967292270
Recomendo vivamente

Pretty clear? you didn’t understand everything, but you know where she is and how to make contact, you know the price, you know this was a good experience. Obviously a little schoolboy French, Spanish or Latin will help. This review happens to be about goddess Diana, and although it caused a pang of jealousy, it’s good to know that she is still doing what she does so beautifully.

The first ‘local’ forum was in fact a section of a Brazilian mongering site, gpguia.

(GP, you may ask? ‘Garota de Programa’, a polite way of saying ‘puta’ – like the Brits who say ‘working girl’ or ‘WG’ rather than wh*re)

At gpguia you can eat yourself with envy at the range of opportunities at all prices, enjoyed by mongers in Brazil. But it has a Portugal section, patronised by local hobbyists until quite recently, and still just about alive.

But the Portugal area of the guia got to be a pain, because of fussy moderation. Sure, these guys have to keep things legal and orderly. But… Remember when you were a teenager and mom was running after you all the time insisting that you tidy your room, do your homework, help with the washing up, write thank-you letters, get up earlier, talk properly, smoke less, respect your teachers, shine your shoes and do something about those stains on your bedsheets? Or, don’t you hate those soccer referees who are determined to be the star, running just behind the ball chattering and annoying the players, whistling every thirty seconds and spoiling the game for everyone?

Just such a momma of a moderator is ‘papa-gatas’. This would be fine if he was also helpful and respectful, but he developed the habit of deleting posts that didn’t concur with his own opinions. The last straw came when ‘papa-gatas’ spitefully objected to what he called the ‘adoring’ tone of Mur and one ‘Raskolnikov’ writing about Diana, whose physical appearance he also insulted crudely. Well, each to his own way, and let's be fair and concede that papa is working very hard for us mongers and providing a service that continues to be useful.

However, the seeds of secession and independence were bound to be sown. Just as Dom Pedro I raised the cry of Ipiranga in 1822 and separated Brazil from the old-world shackles of Portugal, so, in reverse process, the Portuguese mongers set up their shout of “porra, fooooodasse pa, caralho, pa!” and cut away from the guia’s regulation-bound world to start their own forum.

Piotr and junior monger Pedrassi (perhaps the youngest contributor ever to be kicked out of ISG) played Che Guevara to this revolution, using PMs to alert comrades to the existence of the independent republic, and Johnnie played the role of Fidel Castro, establishing the new forum, gp-pt.com on a sound footing. As minister of propaganda ‘Radar’ does a great job, and some of the finest intellects in Portugal, men like foulaam, bruno wanderley, and the extraordinary divina comedia followed.

This is an excellent forum, with a high level of culture, humour and respect for the ladies. Of course they are also demanding, for a central concern is to make sure the GPs read the forum and understand just what kind of relationship between price and service is demanded by lusomongers. There are signs that this is bearing fruit, and several mama-sans and GPs have made their contributions. Some of the GPs must also have seen their income boosted. You may be one of hundreds of girls with a tiny ad in the CM, seeing two or three dudes a day in your apartment in Moscavide… then foulaam or johnnie discovers you, tells the forum, and you are launched into stardom.

Among GP contributors, northerner Maria Porto must be singled out. She recently turned 20, and claims to have ‘fucked half Porto before I was 19’. She maintains a blog and a web site, has published a book and appeared on TV. She’s clearly a stunningly beautiful, intelligent and accomplished young lady. Muri is just longing to have her, and needs to arrange an excuse to visit Porto soon: or to be in Lisbon on one of her southern tours – but it seems that, for very good reasons, this gorgeous woman gets booked fully and early.

If you read Portuguese, the forum is a fine introduction to one aspect of that wonderful country’s culture. Of course there are some assholes and dickheads present, but, gentlemen, we live in democracy and the Internet is the quintessentially democratic medium, so Senhor Asshole and Mister Dickhead enjoy the same rights as Pedrassi, Plato, Proust and Piotr.

Chega! but to finish where we started, even if your Portuguese is less than rudimentary, there is reliable information to be gleaned at gp-pt.com and anyone considering the hobby in Portugal should take a look.

[Murilloa]

Thank you for that, Piotr, and for similar encouragement on the local forum which will be the subject of a report in the next few hours..

[Piotr]

Brilliant as always, Muri! I couldn’t agree with you more.
The accurate description of the way it goes, served with your inspired touches of genial humour makes this a true Report of Distinction.

Keep on coming back, both to Lisbon and to the forums… you are missed!

[Murilloa]

Thank you, GandJim, for making the regulations clear, and an attempt to do justice to our Lusomonger colleagues will follow shortly.

[GandJim]

Finally, he keeps following the local mongers’ forum. Let’s discuss that in a separate post, for fear of deletion.
....
Of those local forums, more later, if anyone is interested.

I'm interested, and don't worry about deletion. Jackson has confirmed:

"The Forum's restriction against posting links to other forums is for forum in English, not forums written in other languages, which are not my competitors.

Thanks,

Jackson"

(I presume local forums are not in English)

[Murilloa]

Flattered out of retirement, here comes Muri. But what follows is not the stuff of legend, only one monger’s two cents. Indeed you may ask, why the fuck is Mur commenting a scene he departed months back? Well, first, he did conduct costly investigations among internet babes while still resident. Secondly, he believes web site escort practice may be similar in most big cities. Apart from price, the procedure and the uncertainties are similar. Finally, he keeps following the local mongers’ forum. Let’s discuss that in a separate post, for fear of deletion.

So, why is Murilloa lukewarm about Portalprivado and apartodox and their ilk?

1 The price is high. For an hour’s sport, €120 to €200 is rack rate. Call him a cheapskate if you will, but Muri does not like to spend more than €100. At any of the clinics, such as Miau’s, Mirage, Garage, New Centre, Château et al., €100 the hour is top rate, for two pops. For less cash you can test-drive the lady and return for the longer service next week if you find she has haunted your wet dreams.

2 Choice is limited. Most of these women share an apartment with one colleague, or operate alone in a pensão, for example the mythic ‘Pensão Lisbonense’ on several floors of a building above the Café Maracanã in the Rua Pinheiro Chagas, a venue visited by every Lisbon monger sooner or later. You may spend time talking on the phone, getting directions, travelling to an unfamiliar area, only to find that the lady is not your type. At the clinics, you inspect a parade of six to a dozen chicas, an event which is exciting in itself and which permits a choice based on your own weird preferences and unfailing Senior Monger’s instinct. The same applies to the street: you can pace the Poço all afternoon waiting for Lili or Sabina to descend from the inferno-in-the-sky, or for the airport bus to unload a fresh consignment of Romanian pussy.

3 Uncertain appointments. After the phone conversation, metro or car journey, parking, finding the street, locating a nearby café to stiffen the nerve and the penis with alcohol, coffee or Viagra, you make the final ‘target confirmation’ call, only to find that the princess is no longer available because she has fallen asleep, gone out to the mall, tuned in to her favourite game show, or more likely started a three-hour full-on BDSM session with a government minister, during the time you were finding her hideout. In this case your time and your ‘tesão’ has been royally wasted, unless you head straight to the Poço which is where you should have started anyway.

4 The Brazil attitude. Of course there are some adorable Brazilian ladies plying the noble trade in Lisbon. The thought of Suzi’s BBBJ or Martinha’s cowgirl, gets Muri opening his window on to the London skyline and howling like a werewolf. BUT too many of the girls you see on PortalPrivado have arrived from big cities in Brazil with a lot of mileage. They have mastered the art of clockwatching, of dispatching the client crisply, exercising an efficient minimum of artificial seduction and charm to bring you off neatly and get you out of the door. Some of them have an attitude that can only be expressed by the nasty little word ‘snotty’. Again, you are more likely to meet with some human engagement in the clinics, and some clinic girls (Diana springs to mind, well of course she does, she springs to Muri’s mind every three minutes or so) are truly ‘envolvente’ in their approach to your pleasure.

5 The Brazil physique. Of course there are some gorgeous Brazilian ladies plying the noble trade in Lisbon, The thought of Suzi’s… oh, yeah, we said that, right? Sure, now, here’s a stupid generalisation, but many of these Brazil babes are kinda stocky. Endowed by nature with biggish bums and smallish tits, they allow the former to grow bigger and rounder, while enhancing the latter with silicone operations of varying efficacy. Yes, we know that ‘Bunda’ is a religion in Brazil, but Muri remains agnostic. Scan the photosets and you will see how anxious the girls and their photographers have been to showcase an ample rear. As an Englishman and a latent homosexual, Mur likes best of all a small, lithe firm muscular bum, and with rare exceptions (ahh, Martinha!) Brazilians are not made that way, while Romanians usually are. Also nearly all the ladies from Brazil sport a caesarean scar, witness to the fact that some Ronaldinho of the future is being raised by grandparents across the Atlantic, and also evidence that Brazilian obstetricians routinely programme the Caesar slash so that unscheduled births cannot interfere with their agenda of golf, beach, soap operas and mongering. The girls do not object, as they believe that natural birth permanently slackens the vagina, reducing the profitability of their business asset.

6 The telephone – before, during, and after. Your initial call, especially if you are a foreigner, can be difficult because of the language. These girls speak with a variety of Brazilian accents, and being uneducated in the majority, they have no idea of slowing down and using simple language for the Anglo Saxon barbarian to understand. But they will frequently attempt a sexy, ‘come-on-down-and-fuck-me’ tone of voice which may be totally at odds with the service eventually provided. During the act, the mobile phone may ejaculate its loud tasteless ring tone at any time. Now, business is business, so if Muri is writing an email to a client, and another one calls him, why of course he picks up the phone and continues to type, multi-tasking in the interests of profit. The girls do just the same thing. The first time you find yourself actually inside a woman when her phone rings and she reaches for the bedside table to give a fellow monger details of the body and the service you are in the process of enjoying – well, the first time, that’s quite amusing. But as a lifestyle, it rapidly loses its appeal. Then, after the act, while you are still sliding the loaded condom off your detumescent manhood, she will dive for the phone to check for text messages. At the clinics, the receptionist often speaks some English – not that you need to ask the way, thanks to this forum - and no mobile phones are permitted inside the room – simple as that.

In the Poço, our Romanian girlfriends often make a call during the long journey up the stairs - “Hi, Lili, I’m going with the fat old English fucker, I’ll be back down in eight minutes unless he dies before that, see ya, honey” - but like well-behaved theatregoers, they turn off the apparatus during the performance.

7 Photoshop. The pimps who run web sites have hours to kill, waiting for Lorena or Luana to bring home money for the evening’s beer and rodizio. What better way to fill in the long day, than developing your skill with Adobe’s sexiest software, smoothing scars, blemishes, tattoos, piercings, belly flab, cellulitis and leprosy lesions from the images destined for the web. While it is very rare to find that the girl is not the one in the photos, you are frequently confronted with a body and complexion less glowing and more timeworn than you had been led to expect. By contrast, if you are in the Poço, or a clinic, you can conduct your own assessment of the living flesh, rather than being misled by a doctored photograph. The photos on these sites are geared to entice not red-blooded mongers, lovers of real women, but full-time pornography-addicted masturbators, a different breed of ‘men’. The girls know this, and sometimes fail to conceal their amusement and contempt.

Once again it is Mur’s belief, based on experience, hearsay and web forums, that much of the above applies also to the London sites peddling pussy at £150 the hour. The only difference would be that instead of discussing the shortcomings of Brazilian attitudes and physique, we would be airing our views on why the Baltic and Polish girls are so beautiful and yet so unsatisfying.

So perhaps it’s clear by now that the elderly ‘legend’ Muri recommends the many clinics in Lisbon where you can line ‘em up and take your pick – or the street, with its lower prices, its intriguing Romanian women, and that thrill of danger, that remote chance of being disembowelled by a mad druggie, arrested by a bribe-hungry cop, spotted by your jealous junior colleague, or flattened by the tourist tram just when you are crossing the street to answer Sabina’s siren call of “vamos, vamos foder vinte e cinco.”

Every single experience with a prostitute is going to be somewhere on the range from totally ecstatic to utterly dispiriting. Most of Muri’s experiences with the Portal privado providers were towards the latter end of the scale, and if you can read the local forums, you will find that the lusomongers give these girls very mixed reviews.

Of those local forums, more later, if anyone is interested. Mur also needs to update the London section on the Soho crisis. Before September, he hopes to be in Lisbon for a day or two, and is currently unable to make up his mind between a trip round old friends or an exploration of new horizons. What would Vasco da Gama have done? What would Eça de Queiroz have done? Both, of course.

[Lapin]

Anybody had an experience from these websites like portalprivado or acompanhanteslux ? The legendary Murilloa once promised to write a review of these establishment but then he was exiled to London

[Carlos Primeros]

Hi - a swinger club does not exist in Lisboa.

Your best bet are the private casas where you can get two or more girls. That is the best you can get.

Carlos

[Macab]

Hello,

Anyone know a good gangbang, swingers club or even a sauna club with girls (FKK) in Lisboa?

[Schaf29]

Hi All,

After some lousy days in Athens without any action I used the first opportunity for the hobby after arriving in Lisbon. On the following website I found some classy girls: http://www.prazerintimo.com/details.php? Id=8

I called them and was told the adress in bad english, but I understood. On the phone they said "one friend is 50 and two friend is 100". Ok, off I went and it was easy to find with the help of a taxi driver.

Rang the bell and four girls were introduced to me. First I wanted Mila and some other slimm good looking girl for a lesbo show, but Mila advised me to take the slightly fatter girl called Paula for lesbo games with her.

Since Mila was quite good looking and offered BBBJ and CIM as the only one I opted for this solution and was satisfied completely.

Paula, about 170 and enourmous tits and Mila, 165, slim and pretty started with the action.

Everything was involved, pussy licking between the girls, BBBJ by Mila, double dildo, fingering, tit fuck, anal with Paula while Mila licking my balls and so on. To cut a long story short, first time I came in Milas mouth and after a four handed massage we started again and I came a second time on Milas belly and Paulas tits.

Great experience for 100Euro in total!

Highly recommendable! Place is relatively clean and they treated me well although there was quite a huge language barrier.

Have fun,

S

[Bamboo Pete]

Miaus Klub is in Rua Duke de Palmela, No30 Appartment 3G. If you exit Marques de Pompal Metro station direction to Rossio, next street on the right side is Rua Alexandre Herculano. After 50 m on the right side is Duke de Palmela.