Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Puzzo]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied,"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,"What are you thinking now?"

He replied,"It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Puzzo]

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen,"That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains,"I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied,"Same problem, better health plan."

[Puzzo]

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

'What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before? '

'I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[Malabo]

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take? " I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years, " my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? "

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it? "

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

[Malabo]

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been? " his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you, " he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. "

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf! "

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? "

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time! "

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry, " she said, "stand in the corner. "

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you, " she said. "Pretend you're a statue. "

"What's this? " the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue. " she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too. "

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here, " he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing. "

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent. "

"One Cent? " the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? "

"A nickel, " the barman replied.

"A nickel? " exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place? "

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife. "

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife? "

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. "

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess. "

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No, " he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! "

"I know, I know, " she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work. "

[Malabo]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged.

Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news..

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin.

There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to
your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Symphony
Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't [CodeWord140] in your eye.'

[Brymor]

I always thought it was considered polite to open a door for a woman.
I opened a door for a woman today but she told me to "fuck off"
Mind you she was taking a shit at the time

[Manicure]

With all the excitement, you do not want to start the day, the evening that way!

[Brymor]

I went to see my doctor today.
“You need to stop masturbating,” my doctor said.
I said “Why?”
My doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”

[Brymor]

Some of this humour is UK specific due to some of the slang words used

Wun Hung Lo Chinese Restaurant
Carry Out Menu

MEAT DISHES
1. Bol Oxs..................Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz.............Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor..................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5. Eja Kul Lait.............Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik.................Coq in van
8. Yu Nux...................Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin..............Massive extrusion of forcemeat

VEGETABLES
10. Wan Kin..................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof..................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat..........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik...................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread

SAUCES
18. Pei Sol..................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum...................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol...........Invisible brown sauce without nuts

SPECIALITIES
24. Lik Mein.................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu...................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo....................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee...................Pick of the week

DESSERTS
31. Vee Dee..................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong..................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots.................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik..................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee...................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum............Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.......Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak.............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere..................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong..................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice

[Puzzo]

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart!

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 gallons of milk every day, and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter; I can carry 52 times my own weight, and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

[Puzzo]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs. Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "Wow, that's more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.

[Poucolouco]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

[Puzzo]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner. "

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much? " She says, "One hundred dollars. " He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on, " and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty? " "A hand job, " Harry replied.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops a HUGE willy!

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back. "She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong? " he asks

She says. "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks, dear?!"

[Turbo Pascal]

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.
One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room. She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"

The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you.

You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you." He kissed
her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. They were enthusiastically doing the nasty. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."

He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."

He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, "Come on, let's do it again."

The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."