Filipinas - Opinions and Advice

[Three I]

Bankok_jim I think that was an excellent post. I am texting 2 filipinas now, one is 23 witrh no education and the other is 33 with a education and a 14year old dauther.

You have helped alot!

[Texas Now]

Lastly, if all of these forces that are working against marital bliss end up in a divorce, she will be in a position to clean you out financially. She has no skills, no support network; you are responsible for making her “a stranger in a strange land.” In the eye of the court system, you are responsible for her well-being.

Not only in the eye of the court, but in the eye of the U.S. Government. During the immigration process you must complete an Affidavit of Support. Once this document is filed, and the person immigrates to the U.S, you are legally bound to support them until they are credited with 40 quarters (10 years) of work, they become a U.S. Citizen, depart the U.S. permanently, or they die. Divorce does not terminate your support obligation. Even if your ex-wife remarries, you are legally obligated to support her until one of the above conditions are met.

[Flying Scotsman]

Just a quick note to Bangkok Jim....realy enjoyed ur last post, well written, by someone who really knows the Philippines. Im lucky enough to have been married to a filipina for the past twenty odd years ... and still get out mongering..:) . hope the newbies will read and learn...

tnx for a great post... The Flying Scotsman

[Travel to Monger]

Hi Steve,

I feel your pain; I think that most of the mongers that travel to Southeast Asia for short holidays or business trips have been through very similar difficulties. As you point out in your post, this is your decision. So I won’t attempt to give you any actual advice, but I will share some of what I have learned first hand and through other friends’ experiences.

You didn’t mention how long you were with this girl, but if it was a typical holiday, it probably wasn’t more than 2 – 4 weeks. I am always amazed at how a Western man can know a girl, from a culture that he knows relatively little about, who may not speak his language fluently, and yet he thinks that he falls in love with the girl in just 2 weeks. Most of us wouldn't think that we could fall in love with someone from our own culture, who speaks our language fluently, in 2 weeks. Of course this goes equally for the girl who actually thinks she loves us, even though she doesn’t fully understand our language or our culture. The fortunate thing for most of us is that time and distance usually has a way of taking care of this problem, we get back to our frenzied life in the West, suffer from a few weeks of Post-Paradise-Depression, and then slowly settle back into our daily routine as the email frequency goes from several a day to a couple a week. I personally go through this cycle every time I travel to Southeast Asia.

Unfortunately, many of us are too resourceful for our own good. If we are still in the great Wage-Slave phase of life, we find a way to bring our new exotic Asian princess to our home countries. If we are financially independent, we pull up stakes and move to her country expecting to live happily ever after. Sadly, this often isn’t the case, each strategy offers it own unique difficulties.

<b> Bring Honey-Ko Home </b>
This option has the least probability of success and is potentially the most financially disastrous for the Western man. There are so many reasons why this option may fail that it would be difficult to list them all in one post. First let’s consider the culture shock that honey-ko is going to experience when she arrives in the West. She will be removed from her extended support network of a large family and friends that she has known for her entire life, she has probably never driven a car and she has never experienced a North American or Northern European winter and her education level and language proficiency will typically limit her to the most menial of jobs.

If she decides to work one of these unskilled jobs, she will be exposed to many people who have made the type of life choices that lead to menial employment. She will certainly be very susceptible to their influences, she is after all very young, naïve to our culture and our way of life. She will be exposed to young men her own age that she will have allot more in-common with than she does with her new husband given the age difference.

On the other hand, if she chooses not to work, that will present its own unique set of problems. She will be stuck at home all day with little to do besides watch TV (Soap Operas, Heraldo, etc) and eat. Both activities can quickly turn the beautiful, fun-loving princess into an overweight, head-case problem. Just think of the effect that watching the day-time talk shows that feature topics such as “my mother is having an affair with my husband”, or the weekly feature where they have 3 or 4 men and a woman with a baby whom has no idea which of the 4 is the father. The drama unfolds right there on national TV as they announce which of the 4 is the father, the 3 men who get off the hook are elated and the poor bastard who is stuck with girl and the baby is majorly pissed-off. These shows depict these activities as being normal, mainstream America. She doesn’t have the awareness to understand that these individuals represent the fringes of our society; it will mess with her head.

Another huge obstacle is the distorted sense of reality that these girls have about life in the West. First is the “money grows on trees” problem that Holly Wood promotes, enough said about that. Even more damaging than this will be the changes that you will exhibit as you settle into your wage-slave existence. Think about how the two of you spent your time while you were in the Phils. You woke up in the morning and did her “the big favor” before having room service bring up the breakfast, or you went out for breakfast at a nice restaurant. Actually, you ate every meal at a nice restaurant and you never thought twice about the cost, this probably won’t be how you live at home. We tell them that we rarely eat out at home, and that we actually do our own domestic chores. Although they claim to believe us, they are in denial about this, in the Phils people of even modest means have domestic helpers, these girls as absolutely certain that life with a foreigner includes a lifetime escape from laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.

You mentioned in your post that there wasn’t allot of boom-boom with her, but most of us guys do honey-ko the “big favor” a couple of times a day while in paradise, and we take our time and do it in a manner that is worthy of our new found exotic princess, after all, she makes us feel 20 years old again. However, when we get home and head off to the office all day, we usually can’t keep up this level of service. In her mind, we “have changed” we aren’t the man she thought we were.

Lastly, if all of these forces that are working against marital bliss end up in a divorce, she will be in a position to clean you out financially. She has no skills, no support network; you are responsible for making her “a stranger in a strange land.” In the eye of the court system, you are responsible for her well-being.

<b> Move to Paradise </b>
For those of us who are old enough to retire or who are lucky enough to be financially independent, we can leave the West behind and move to paradise. I am not sure that this has a much higher probability of success; however, I do think that the ball is in our court and the financial risk is greatly reduced. I say that the ball is on our court because we are the ones who will be constantly faced with temptation and honey-ko will realize this from the beginning. If you managed to find this special lady while on a short holiday, just think what you will be able to find once you are established, know where to look and understand their culture well enough to push all of the correct buttons. You will soon discover that the exotic princess that you hastily fell deeply in lust with is just like about 20 million other young ladies who would all be very happy to make you their money-ko. As a matter of fact she is so non-unique; you will find it nearly impossible to pick her out of a crowd such as at the mall. Very few of us in the West have ever had to deal with this type of temptation in our lives and many are ill equipped to avoid the daily attempts by equally young, equally exotic girls that want to steal us away from honey-ko.

Another issue that many Westerners are ill prepared to deal with is the notion of extended family and the financial obligation that this imposes on you if you marry a Filipina. You will expected to help members of your new extended family with financial assistance on a continuous basis, and if you think that you can say no to legitimate family needs, you will be putting your new wife in an untenable situation. They simply could not understand why a family member who has money to help would ever say no to such a request.

However, the bottom-line is that we are in the driver’s seat, you don’t need to marry her to be with her and most importantly, she can’t clean you out financially if things don’t work out.

Given the often insurmountable odds of marrying a Filipina, what should we do to maximize our happiness? In my experiences with Filipinas and Thais, and from watching other foreigners struggle through this problem, I would recommend that you spend as much time as possible with her in the Phils. Treat her very well during your visits, buy her things that she will need but cannot easily hock such as clothes and school tuition if applicable. If she needs medical assistance, arrange to pay the bills directly, but no matter what, don’t send her money. I have a honey-ko in Manila who I take traveling to other countries, she really enjoys this and seems to get allot of respect from her co-workers as a result of our traveling together. It works very well for me as well, I get to spend time with my favorite Filipina without having to spend all my holidays in the Phils, and I have an excellent traveling partner. She even grudgingly accepts that I sneak out for some quick mongering on the side so that I can “experience” the local talent in every country. She doesn’t particularly appreciate this behavior, but she is smart enough to realize that forcing a show-down might lead to her being left in Manila.

I hope that this gives you a few things to consider before making a decision that could literally ruin your life.

BB

[Oetziboy]

steve
I'm also 45, I'm not the stunning guy around, but I believe I've something in between the ears, I visit Phls. since 1989 and I guess I've been there some 60/70 times, have done lots of business there too, so I had chance to learn somthing more than other occasional tourist, I've learned some of Tagalog and I have met tons of girls.
First let me confirm the advise to be careful, particularly when your (real) emotions are involved, but careful means not necessarely to bring trust to zero, handle it the way you feel it.
What I can tell you is that all kind of woman (and man) are available in Phls - same as in your & obviously in my country, the main difference - and this may take time to understand and to believe - is that they have a very very close relation to their family, they are willing to do and give everything for the family (attitude which we westeners dont have - rather opposite we expect our family / parents to do eerything for us).
Finally reg. age difference, well Steve, some Filippinas (maybe the most) see us westeners not necessarely as a walking bank account (as maybe some nasty father or brother ecc.) but as the chance to have a fa maily where the childs would not be raised along the street, where childs could have "western" education, where husband would not come back drunk with 2 or more girls in his arms ecc. ecc. definitly I suggest to look into yourself and to decide, and if you decide for your feeling, make thinks clear with her, and you will see how happy she will be for your understanding, may never bring her to your country Steve, she may suffer the changes (remind this by any of your decision)
P.S. words and toughts of a guy which will (hopefully)retire in few more years in Phls.

[MasterBlaster]

Steve101,

You must be in the wrong board. But anyways here is an advice from a monger's point of view. I'm just pulling this off my ass. There is probably about 0.5% of 40 million Filipinas in the Philippines who would like to get married to a 45 year old Westerner. That makes it about say 200,000 Filipinas. I very much doubt if all of them would have the same problems as your current GF. Having problems at the stage when you are just "dating" is definitely a bad sign no matter who you talk to; and, to think that things will get good later is just bullshit. Your GF will always have the same "poverty" stigma even if she does better for herself. Her relatives will keep asking for money and she will always have the same guilt that pushes her to keep on helping them. Maybe her "Father" will always be in the background. Are you willing to take the odds of changing that trend or maybe "psyche"? Why don't you just pick from the other 200,000 possibilities? I'm sure there are a lot more decent ones out there. Just don't sell yourself short.

[Hutsori]

Steve101,

Take a step back, put the emotions aside, and think.

You're nearly 30 years her senior, from a socio-economic background that couldn't be more different, and find in difficult to converse in English with her. Other than her difficult life, her ailing family, and Brittney Spears what do you discuss?

Do you have a man in your life you call Father who isn't your father? Do you know of anyone else who does?

Since you've gotten fed up with the requests for money it seems that, like most of us, you are neither wealthy nor an altruist.

Perhaps she loves you. Perhaps she loves others. Likely your bank account is the true object of her love.

It's nice that you are concerned for her well being. What should cause you greater concern is your indecisiveness, as evident in this comment: I need some advice - though I suspect it will be down to me to make up my mind in the end.

You suspect (SUSPECT?!) it will down to you to make up your mind in the end. If not you...who? The man she calls Father?

As your judgment seems suspect heed your instinct.

[Pinay Lover]

Steve 101,

I myself was in Cebu just a few months ago and enjoyed my time with a real young college girl. I'm in my 40s and could relate to your dilema. Turns out that the girl is just 18 when I met her. I keep forgetting that they go to college here as young as 16. But back to the story, we keep in contact and yes, she has also asked for money for her tuition. I gave in once but if she asks again my answer will be no. I may be rich in their eyes but not by U.S. standards. You have to be firm with some of these women and girls. But as always, it is a personal judgement call. Be prepared to get burned is it goes wrong.

I just hope we are not talking about the same girl here. Just in case, the girl I'll be seeing is 5'4", about 100 lbs, long hair halfway down her back, 18 y.o., goes to SouthWestern Univ and goes by the name Theresa.

It is easy to fall in love with these brown hotties. If a gun where placed in my head to choose which of my "girlfriends" I keep on the side would be the next Mrs. Pinay Lover, I'd die of a stroke just trying to choose. Ha, ha, ha... I love (like) them all. Sometimes the GFE can seem so real.

Remember this, Steve. She lied to you before. You can't verify her story. Her sweet pleas could be a ploy to spend more on her. You seem to have made your decision already in your post. If you still plan to fool around still, loose the girl. If she's trying to use you as a bank, loose the girl. As for the age gap. Well, I'm trying to get over mine. I will be seeing my Cebuana beauty in a couple of days. She is so hot and tender in bed. Just something about her that makes that age difference melt away. Plus I am liking Cebu lately.

[Steve101]

Hi all,

I need some advice - though I suspect it will be down to me to make up my mind in the end.

In early May I went to Cebu for a holiday and met a really sweet 18 year old (I'm 45) and we went on holiday to another island and we had a really nice time together - some sex (but not lots and lots) and just a very pleasant loving time together. It was really sad when the time came to come back home (I live in the region). Her English is not very good but we get on ok communication wise.

When I got back we communicated by phone and text message and I sent her some money to go to college. She also said that her father was sick and I sent her some money for him too. After a few weeks I got fed up with the money game and got a bit cross with her for asking for money.

Then she told me she ran away from the person she called her father and rented a room and stopped asking me for money but after a short while we lost contact for a while because she sold her cell phone to raise money.

A few weeks later just before the time when we had planned to see eachother again she suddenly got in touch again and begged me to go and see her but it was too late because I had made other plans. That happened twice over the months.Now with the Christmas holidays coming up she is texting me again and appealing to me to go and see her and saying very loving things.

I really don't know what to do. I hate to let her down but I can't tell whether she is being entirely honest with me because of the earlier experience with her 'father' though she did explain that he had been forcing her to ask me for money. I'm also not really sure there's a future in the relationship with such a gap in age, education and distance.

I'm faced with the choice between going and seeing her again or telling her it's the end and I'm not going to see her and I have to decide by Tuesday 25th. As I said I'd hate to think I'd let down a poor girl when she's always saying she loves me and really showed it when we were together - was completely dedicated to me.

Well I suppose I'd better stop there. Any advive welcome please.

[Jamal]

Bangkok_jim, Three X

Thanks for your replies guys. Look like I'm definately going to head over to the Phils now. 8-D. Good looking out.

bangkok_jim, the attitude was part of the reason I picked The Philippines ;)

[Travel to Monger]

Tanker,

I have known a few Filipina’s over the years; current honey-ko is an attorney for an international law firm in Manila. She is an interesting and rather dangerous combination of Filipina passion and western logic.

From your posts I am not sure weather you intend to marry your honey-ko and bring her to the West and then “secretly” fool around on her. If so, I hope that you have a good lawyer draw up an air tight pre-nup. If you are going to live in the Phils, you can pull this off with the girl, but you will still have to deal with the family if you are married.

If you live in the Phils and don’t actually get married, the girls realize that their hand isn’t strong enough to force the issue, but bring her to the West and you are toast.

You mention that you think that their culture seems to tolerate the men fooling around, I actually think these girls are considerably more jealous than western women or Thais for that matter, and I am certain that they are MUCH more likely to resort to violence if they feel like they are about to lose their money-ko. It is very naïve to equate the accepted behavior of Pilipino men and what you can get away with as a foreigner.

Good luck,

BJ

[Travel to Monger]

Jamal,

It’s no problem being a black guy in the RP. Some of the girls new to the scene will be afraid of you do to the reputation of the monster package, however many of the girls, and probably the girls who offer the best return on investment won’t treat you any differently than the rest of the punters in the Phils.

If you have a week, you have to check out Angeles City, I have flown from Pore to AC for just 2 days. If you have never hobbied in the Phils, you just can’t understand how much the girls attitudes enhances the whole experience. With these girls you aren’t renting a sex partner, you are renting a girl friend. IMHO, the Phils, and AC in particular is the gold standard of hobbying.

BJ

[Three I]

Here is a site to check out! "Filipina Relationship and Marriages"

http:/pub25.ezboard.com/ffilipinorelationshipdfrm16.showMessage?topicID=76.topic

It is a really good site so check it out!

[Three I]

Hi I am writing 2 filipina now! I have not met any of them yet but they want to meet. O yeah I am black!

threex@theinbox.org

[TSMDave]

Great Thread!

CanContrib, you're my hero! You're living the life I want to lead!

I've been to PI only once and loved it there. It is so down to earth there that I am seriously considering moving there someday.

Just curious, do most of you live there or just visit there once or twice a year?

And if you live there, what type of work is availiable (if you need to work at all).

Regarding filipinas, I've noticed there are different sub races among them, there are the ones who have a very 'tribal' look to them, usually a round face... and there are the ones with slimmer faces like the one here. Is there a regional difference where one could find more of one or the other?