Jokes & Humorous Stories

[Max Sida]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it right.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Max Sida]

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

[Yella Man]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to wash the car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice there's mail on the kitchen table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can, and notice that the trash can's full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash. But then I think, since I'll be near the mailbox when I take out the trash, I might as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see there's only one check left. My extra checks are on the desk in the bedroom. So I go to the desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'll look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so I don't accidentally knock it over.

Because the Coke is getting warm, I decide to put it in the refrigerator. As I head toward the kitchen, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye---they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and discover the reading glasses I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'll water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it by the computer. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we'll be looking for the remote, but nobody'll remember where it is. So I decide to put it back where it belongs, after I water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there's a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there's still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you know, because I don't remember whom I've already sent it to. Don't laugh! If this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I've sent this to you before...well, now you know why.

[Frank Booth]

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Barcrawler]

For those not familiar with the Dubai scene see the notes at the end.

Thomas, Gordon and Henry were in the engine shed. Gordon and Henry were boasting as usual about how they were main line engines and got to pull the most beautiful and expensive coaches back from the Cyclone. Poor Thomas only worked the branch line never got to go further than the York. Just two nights ago he had got up such a head of steam he thought his boiler was going to burst and all he could pull was a very scruffy wagon from the siding at the back of Spinney’s.

“Of course” said Gordon “I once did the run to Bangkok and I pulled 20 coaches in one week”. My buffers and pistons thought Thomas. I’m going out to fill my tanks and get my pipes cleaned. He chuffed off to Jockey’s.

When he got to Jockey’s Thomas saw the Fat Controller. I will ask her about getting some nice coaches to pull he thought. Thomas set about filling his tanks. He said hello to Percy who was in the corner talking to a Chinese coach. The Fat Controller didn’t like the engines pulling Chinese coaches and was giving Percy a very disapproving look.

Once his tanks were full Thomas had the courage to go and see the Fat Controller. “Well” she said “this is Annie and Clairabel, they are my new newest coaches.” Thomas liked the look of these coaches; mind you he thought they always seem to look better when your tanks are full.

“You can pull both of these new coaches Thomas” said the Fat Controller, “it will only cost you 500 each”. "OK" said Thomas, he couldn’t wait to tell Gordon and Henry how he got to pull the Fat Controllers two newest coaches at the same time.

Thomas, Annie and Clairabel get back to the coach shed. Thomas’s fireman is really stoking the fire and he has built up a good head of steam. “Me first”, said Annie. Thomas gets ready to couple up. Wheeeeeeeee, his whistle goes off. “Oh No” cries Thomas, “all my steams gone!”

Annie and Clairabel are giggling, “Never mind Thomas” says Annie,” we won’t tell Gordon and Henry” and adds ominously “if you give us an extra 500 each”

Notes

Fat Controller: a Russian Madam of considerable girth.

Jockey's: The pub in the Panorama Hotel where the fat controler and her girls ply their trade.

Cyclone: A night club with arguably the best looking P4P girls in Dubai.

The York: A cheaper P4P nightclub that the Cyclone.

Spinney's: A supermarket, there are often streetwalkers patroling the streets at the back.

[StudPlayer]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

The Answer is:

TEN:

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb,
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,
5. One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb,
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a stepladder under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished,"
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark,"
8. One to viciously smear #7,
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along,
and finally:
10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Freeler]

WOMAN, a Material Safety Data Sheet

Substance: Woman/Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam of Eden
Atomic Mass: Appr. at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg.
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

[Freeler]

Nothing better to do? Read this:

NATIONAL CONDOM MONTH SLOGANS

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the ****
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that *****
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If youre nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Tub that sub then rub her hub
163) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
164) Dam your giver then fill her quiver

[StudPlayer]

http://www.explodingcigar.com/article1812.html


NatWest issues cash card to Dick Head
By Lester Haines

Published Wednesday 3rd August 2005 10:15 GMT
Get breaking Reg news straight to your desktop - click here to find out how
God alone knows what NatWest customer Chris Lancaster has done to offend the bank's card issuing department, but it recently sent him a new cash card on which he is gloriously identified as "Dick Head".

Or rather, his new title in full is Mr C Lancaster Dick Head, prompting the 18-year-old Essex man to lament to UK tabloid the Sun: "I know I've been overdrawn a few times and got a few £30 charges but I’ve done nothing to deserve this."

Mr Lancaster is, of course, merely the latest victim of the great British pastime of "Let's stick something abusive on the cash card/electric bill/council tax demand". We are reminded of the outraged old chap - quite possibly a highly-decorated war hero if the Sun was reporting it - who got a bill from his local town hall addressed to "A C**t".

And, of course, long-term readers of El Reg will recall the shocking case of our very own "Dr Really Evil". Ho ho. ®

Related stories
Hello, I'd like to speak to Dr Really Evil please

[Dickhead]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I need birth control pills for my daughter." Doc says, "How old is she?" "Thirteen," the man replies. "That seems pretty young," says the doc; "is she sexually active?" "Sexually active?" says the man. "No, she just lies there, just like her mother."

[Teegee]

What has Michael Jackson and X box got in common????

Both are made from plasic...

and kids turn them on

[Elrond]

police warn all clubbers, conference-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

a new date [CodeWord123] drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

the drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. it comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. men are rendered helpless against this approach.

after several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. after drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

at other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." it has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

please! forward this warning to every male you know.

however, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

for the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

[Pierroth16]

A person who drinks more than you

[Pierroth16]

This guy comes home drunk one morning at 4am. He takes off
all his clothes and goes to bed.He has to be at work at 7am
so he gets up at 6am.He goes into the bathroom to wash up and
shave. While shaving with a straight razor his penis hanging
over the sink his arm swinging wildly he cuts his penis with
the razor. His penis looks up at him and says "After
all these years of fist fighting I never thought you would
pull a knife on me".

[Pierroth16]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency
services.


He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First,
let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence,
then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"