Jokes & Humorous Stories

[The Sex Hunter]

Wow, that Wii thing is a big fun thing! I think I have to get one to keep the girlfriends busy while I am out, hunting!

[Dr X Man]

Do not be like that:

http://www.break.com/index/wii_sex_toy.html

[Robbaf]

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

I agree and here is why:
They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell and they are greatful as hell!

Robb

[Sgt Perv]

http://watchersweb.com/sub_preview.p...4pap1214505142

[Sgt Perv]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.

"Spot on" Bruce said
.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,

"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" .

[Ferolga777]

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/smut_mp3s.html

Lucille Bogan sang it 70 years ago and its still more transgressive and artful than most other attempts. The link above has it in the second listing.

Shave ’Em Dry

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll make a dead man come,
Oh, daddy, baby won’t you shave ’em dry?

Now, draw it out!

Want you to grind me, baby, grind me until I cry.

[Roland: Uh, huh.]

Say I fucked all night, and all the night before, baby,
And I feel just like I wanna, fuck some more,
Oh, great God, daddy.
Grind me honey and shave me dry,
And when you hear me holler baby, want you to shave it dry.
I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
Daddy, you say that’s the kind of ’em you want,
and you can make ’em come,
Oh, daddy shave me dry.



And I’ll give you somethin’ baby,
Swear it’ll make you cry.
I’m gon’ turn back my mattress,
And let you oil my springs,
I want you to grind me daddy, till the bell do ring,
Oh, daddy, want you to shave ’em dry,
Oh, great God daddy,
If you can’t shave ’em baby won’t you try?
Now if fuckin’ was the thing,
That would take me to heaven,
I’d be fuckin’ in the studio,
Till the clock strike eleven,
Oh daddy, daddy shave ’em dry,
I would fuck you baby, honey I’d make you cry.
Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell clapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddamn ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walk in like people.

Ow, shit!

[Roland: Aah, sure enough, shave ’em dry.]

Ooh! Baby, won’t you shave ’em dry

A big sow gets fat from eatin’ corn,
And a pig gets fat from suckin’,
When you see this ***** fat like I am,
Great God, I got fat from fuckin’.

Eeeeh! Shave ’em dry.

[Roland: Aah, shake it, don’t break it.]

My back is made of whalebone,
And my cock is made of brass,
And my fuckin’ is made for workin’ these two dogs
that go round to kiss my ass.

Oh! Whoo, daddy, shave ’em dry.

[Punter 127]

Our genealogy

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom
said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.

[Frankypanky]

Wife A: I hate my engineer husband, erect n erect…
Wife B: Mine is a Doctor, inject n inject…
Wife C: You both are lucky, mine is a lawyer! postpone n postpone!

[Smokey 3]

Better twice than sorry.
I enjoyed the marines story very much.

Thanks!

[Sgt Perv]

I had an internet malfunction and thought first post was not sent.

[Smokey 3]

@ SGT Perv,

You posted the same message twice but it sure was worth it.
Typical marine attitude, a pleasure to read the interview.

[Sgt Perv]

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

[Sgt Perv]

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

[Angus Magee]

Melissa Cherry interview from The Onion Movie

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/110693/

Quote " I'm a virgin. How would I know what a facial is?"

Too funny!

[Rubber Nursey]

The Federal Government is giving each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

So go out, get drunk and get laid. For your country.

Thank you for your help,

Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister)
Wayne Swan (Treasurer)