Lisbon

[Murilloa]

A happy routine. Diana on Mondays, Suzy on Fridays. But even this will not do: a man without variety, whose kitchen is stocked with only two types of food, however delicious – why, that man is on his way to sex prison, or sex cemetery.

So on the ‘marginal’, returning from another trip with the boss, Mur pressed the ejector button in the passenger seat of the hideous SUV. He was catapulted into the air. The parachute opened crisply, and he made a neat landing behind the green fence that shields the Yellow House from prying eyes. It was 1230, lunch hour, a time when most garotas know the programme will begin - but the six women looked sleepy, ill-tempered, unprepared. One of them, Nadia by name, positively scowled as she presented herself. The others were hardly more welcoming. For a moment Muri thought the World Cup had started and he was interrupting a Brazil game. Only one, Natalia, offered a pretty smile. A firm, curvy young blonde - Mur swallowed the baited hook.

It was the last smile he saw. Natalia, native of São Paulo, took her €40, and then did everything in her power to be brisk, functional and unsympathetic.

It’s a fact of life - you sometimes meet a woman who has lost interest or is tired, or has no vocation. Then you get the rubber doll act, or what Brit ‘punters’ call the ‘assisted wank’.

Mur prides himself that with his charm, his smile, his jokes, his man-of-the-world command of tender teasing flattery, not to mention the reassuringly small size of his penis and his straightforward, conservative sexual requests: with all these, he can usually persuade a lady to relax, be receptive, agreeable, even to be active, even to be zestful.

Not this one. Worse than the rubber doll, for she actually put energy and spirit into the project of making her temporary lover feel like a worm in a turd.

Mur loves to unwrap his prize, the eternal teenager’s trembling fingers on the bra hooks. Natalia was having none of that. She shrugged away and undressed with back turned (her panties ironically bore the word Diana). Then she snapped off the light. There’s a standard line when chicas do this: “but you’re so beautiful, if you were ugly I would understand, but do not deprive my eyes of their rich feast by doing this lovely deed with me in darkness.” Or words to that effect. It always works.

Not this time. There was a curt, bad tempered argument, which she won.

Disdaining to touch him more than strictly necessary, and receiving his own caresses frigidly, she rolled the rubber armour into place like a nurse changing a catheter, and began CBJ, which was actually very good during the ten seconds it lasted. Another embarrassing moment as our overweight Oliver Twist begged pathetically for more.

But he had used his ration. Muttering something incomprehensible but clearly unfriendly, Natalia squatted to lube up with a fistful of KY. Mur respectfully, affectionately, suggested beginning in ‘doggy’. To see her face, you would have thought he’d asked if he could spit in her mouth. But she bent, and he entered. She started a groaning and gasping routine that was not acting, the way some chicas do: it was an angry sarcastic parody.

Mur likes to linger through the overture with long gentle strokes. Natalia writhed and bucked in an effort to finish the business, and collapsed face down on the bed to deny his hands access to her splendid breasts. He withdrew, asked her to turn on her back. This invitation to the most ordinary of poses met with another grimace as if the Marquis de Sade had just led his pet goat into the room.

In this position, she impatiently urged, “ Fodgee, fodgee, vai já, vai”: and then warned him that time was up - “Vai já, vão bater á porta”. (They’ll be knocking at the door). Tired of arguing, Mur strained the motor from first gear to top, ejaculated after a spasm that could technically be called an orgasm, and eased himself off Natalia, noticing again what a superb young body she was misusing. And her pussy was potentially a good lively creature, but being loaded with lubricant and attached to a ticking stopwatch, it offered little joy.

He dressed; she went for a shower, a pointedly long one to indicate just how filthy she felt after a four-minute fuck with such a fleabitten dog. She returned to find Mur looking anxiously in the mirror to check if he had broken out in plague spots, or become a werewolf or a Nosferatu. She made some caustic remark that he didn’t catch. He asked what she had said, she tossed her head, snarled, “ ‘squece” (fergeddit) and showed him the door.

In the sunlit street, he blazed with a sense of rejection and a childish powerless resentment he had not felt for years. Like schooldays, being treated with scorn, sarcasm and contempt by a teacher you’ve made every effort to please but who just has to dislike you. There was almost a lump in his scrawny old throat, as he tasted the futility, the waste of time, spirit and money, the pure fuckin’ injustice.

Cheap wholesome lunch at a nearby Brazilian joint restored a little faith in the land of ‘Ordem e Progresso’. But on the train home, he suffered the hangover of this bleak copulation. He thought of young mongers like Pedrassi, starting out on their careers. Experiences like this, at a tender age, could do permanent psychological damage, and perhaps even drive a man to drink, drugs, or monogamy.

Let’s not condemn the whole establishment over one girl’s bad day. But it may be clear from this thousand-word rant that Natalia, of the Yellow House in São João de Estoril, gained a place in the Hall of Shame.

Hell, this is such a crabby review that some reader will probably go out and try her, out of curiosity. Hope it goes better for you, comrade.

[Kama Leão]

Any particular recommendations for a first time mongerer? I tried contacting the Russians in Costa da Caparica, but English is not their forte, and could not discern if open late..

I don't think so. Try Eva, the Hungarian girl I mentioned in the same post, she does speak English and is quite a treat. I believe she might even be up for a late dinner with fireworks display afterwards... Or call Classic Ladies ( 968 972 093 see previous posts), try some kind of arrangement with Alexandra and be ready for a heart attack.

[Yuiop 696]

Congratulations on such rich and entertaining information - far more evocative than on any other country page. Truly in line too with the feeling of old world decadence of charming Lisboa.

I am on my first *unaccompanied* trip to Lisbon, arriving this Sunday and free for action from around 2300 onwards. Unfortunately many of the prowlers here seem to operate by day, and services shut down towards 2200, when I look look at the web sites, or call. And the tourist or mafia clubs like Black Tie seem most unappealing.
Any particular recommendations for a first time mongerer? I tried contacting the Russians in Costa da Caparica, but English is not their forte, and could not discern if open late. Can I turn up unannounced? Is the "Mirage Klub" open late (they are on always on voice mail when I call)? Idem Clinique de Massage.. by the way, I love a good massage! Any hot recommendations?

Any phone number for Leticia?

Thank you.

[Murilloa]

Pedrassi, that mad moment with a drunk overweight Czech babe was like England winnng the world cup - Just doesn't happen very often. Mur has explained his attitude to the pursuit of freebies elsewhere... but he is of a different age.

At your age, rather than hunting for fellow students in discos, what about the older ladies? That's where Muri had his successes many many years ago...

Too much work to continue the guide just now. Service will resume at the weekend.

[Pedrassi]

Mur,

While glancing through some old posts from the London board in isg, I came upon one of your reports involving the hook-up of a czech girl during the euro 2004.
I find it remarkable and impressive that you managed to do so with such apparent ease and would like to ask (if not too much trouble) whether if you could retell in finer detail the methodology you used to make it happen.

Although currently in University (supposedly the hot-spot for free sex; yeah right...), in my early 20s, I have yet to achieve a hook-up with a freebie. Discos here in Lisbon are awful for such purposes - I see them as the indulging of a very restricted elite.

I had a rather horrible experience a week ago with carol from portal-intimo.com, who for the first time made me experience sex as something banal and mechanic. Not to mention her garlic tainted breath, which made me abstain from even kissing her, and her huge nipples, making me nearly ask her if she was pregnant. To top it off, she suggested to me in the end that I should be more "dominant" in bed (!!!)

Which is partly why I'm turning my views to new horizons (the other reason being that mongering is such a drain to a student's finances).

I thank you (and everyone else who wants to participate on this topic) in advance for any advice you could give.

[Kama Leão]

That's all I meant - and of course, the other side of the coin, is that regular good-value sex with someone as expert, affectionate and pure of heart as Suzy, is as honest as relationships get.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I believe a summit Mur/KL is due.

[Murilloa]

Not even slightly 'sissy', KL. Profoundly true.

Being a real grown-up man means going about your pleasures - and your work, for that matter - with a positive and loving attitude to others, knowing that if you offer, you will receive. It works, as you rightly say.

No intention to be cynical with talk of 'mendax' and 'meretrix': it's just that the business of being a puta, or a punter, necessarily involves us in standard deceits and evasions. Or do you think 'Diana' is her real name and she tells her Mom about Muri? Or do you inform Mrs Leão exactly where you've been when you come home late?

That's all I meant - and of course, the other side of the coin, is that regular good-value sex with someone as expert, affectionate and pure of heart as Suzy, is as honest as relationships get.

Just another Sunday morning sermon from the Right Reverend Murilloa, Bishop of Borratem.

The ‘sauna’ section follows tomorrow, as the Monday print edition of CM will be required to ensure accuracy.

[Kama Leão]

These multi-staff apartments can be magnificent. You arrive like a sultan visiting the harem; six beautiful girls approach one by one, kiss you on the cheek (rubbing breasts against you in the process, or even giving your cock an exploratory squeeze) and announce their names. Mama-san returns with a wicked smile to ask ‘who will you choose to quench your sexual thirst?’ and you make your difficult decision - or ask her to repeat the parade..

Time for some recap, Mur, for our less Lisbon-experienced affiliates: Classic Ladies (ask for Alexandra and, once and for all, learn the truest, fuckingest meaning of the word "divine" - satori waits for you - or melt into Luciana's African metaphysical bliss); Emanuelle (try Telma, Vânia and Carla - soon to be relocated, under another name, to Avenida de Berna, keep in touch with 'Correio da Manhã'), New Center/Clinique de Massage (dive into the wondrous abyss of forgetfulness of dark-skinned Marina or lighter shaded ukranian Helena) or go for the head-on collision (I mean, your best friend's "head off" experience) with Patricia of Queluz.
Now, do your homework and read one or twenty of the previous posts.

(OK, if you have fucked in Lisbon for €15, don’t tell us about it. Be ashamed.).

Yes, do spare us.

The chance of good service increases if you can communicate enough to suggest you are not just passing trade..

This may sound incredibly sissy but DO LOVE THEM. Women (who am I kidding?... People!) love to be truly loved, even if only for a moment. Pamper them, suck them, fuck them, bugger them, fist them till they cum, be gentle, make them feel special, wanted, jewels in the crown. It works and, best of all, it's true.

If, like George Washington (but unlike most of his successors) you can’t permit yourself a falsehood, you are unfit for the company of a puta: not for nothing are ‘meretrix' and ‘mendax’ on the same page of the Latin dictionary..

Not exactly right, not quite wrong. It's a delicate balance.

Which will lead neatly on to the next section, a short one on ‘saunas’.

Wow! Can't wait to hear about it!

[Murilloa]

The standard Lisbon mongering deal. All over the city and suburbs are apartments where sex costs €20 to €100.

There may be one woman, living alone, discreetly servicing a couple of clients per day in a neat two-bedroom apartment (one bedroom for sleeping, the other as ‘office’). This is the modus operandi of Suzy, out in Carcavelos. Or two ladies may set up together, sharing the housekeeping, as it were. This is how Leticia does her business. Or you may find a mama-san running a team of four, five, or six.

These multi-staff apartments can be magnificent. You arrive like a sultan visiting the harem; six beautiful girls approach one by one, kiss you on the cheek (rubbing breasts against you in the process, or even giving your cock an exploratory squeeze) and announce their names. Mama-san returns with a wicked smile to ask ‘who will you choose to quench your sexual thirst?’ and you make your difficult decision - or ask her to repeat the parade.

But other times, the apartment is a scramble of clients on their way in and out, hiding in bathroom, kitchen or closet while the girls keep the show moving: at rush hour, six babes to a three bedroom apartment can seem like a French farce. Mur does not mind sitting in the ‘waiting room’ hearing his predecessor loosening the ceiling plaster and the parquet floor, but he is less thrilled to meet him in the bathroom.

Another drawback is the survival of restrictive, even communist practices in what should be a free market activity. If several honeys work one apartment, they try to share the clients around. So if hideous ‘Bruna’ has not opened her plump legs all afternoon but ‘Carol’ and ‘Ana’, being more attractive, have grossed €500 by fucking the entire Portugal soccer team, then in the evening only Bruna will be available – “sorry, we have four girls, but one has gone out to eat and the other two are occupied for the next hour, so... there’s just little me, see?” says Bruna, hopefully, as you back away from her threatening bulk. The fact that you can hear Carol and Ana giggling in the kitchen makes this situation annoying.

These places usually charge €40 or €50 for half an hour, not an enormous sacrifice, win or lose. The most luxurious venues with more beautiful girls ask €80, or €100 the hour, and at the bottom end of the market, three flats near Rossio and a couple on Avenida Almirante Reis do €20 quickies. Cheaper than the cheapest SW in Lisbon.

(OK, if you have fucked in Lisbon for €15, don’t tell us about it. Be ashamed.)

If you can turn around in the time, most of these girls will give you a second shot. Mur usually asks for a hand job as round two, often with only five minutes on the clock, and he has seldom been refused.

The chance of good service increases if you can communicate enough to suggest you are not just passing trade. Tell her you have come to Portugal on a long contract and that you are really looking forward to learning the language and enjoying your new country. So, you have just checked out of your hotel and the airport taxi is waiting in the street, but go ahead and lie brazenly. If, like George Washington (but unlike most of his successors) you can’t permit yourself a falsehood, you are unfit for the company of a puta: not for nothing are ‘meretrix' and ‘mendax’ on the same page of the Latin dictionary.

70% of the girls in these flats are Brazilian.

Portuguese, Africans, Eastern Europeans and Asians, in that order, make up the rest. There used to be some excellent Colombian chicas in the cheaper houses, but no longer, for some reason.

Mur will return to the subject of ethnic variety later, if the good Lord of mongerdom spares him to continue this Gospel. He (Mur, not the good Lord) will now bring this report to an abrupt close because Mirage Klub will close shortly and he needs to see Diana.

Which will lead neatly on to the next section, a short one on ‘saunas’.

[Murilloa]

Obrigado, sexplorer.. and if you ever come to Lisbon...

[Knuckhead]

Sexplorer wants to be the first to congratulate our trusty Mur on his landmark 300th post!

Bravo for your informative and enjoyable posts. The community of gentelmongers owes you a debt of gratitude for making this little corner of the world a better place.

Sexplorer

[Murilloa]

And, yes, that story. Senior mongers may have heard it before. It must really have happened somewhere. Muri heard it told of a city in the faraway South.

Provincial lawyer dude Juan Domingo Carajo has business in B***** A****. He flies in on Thursday, taking an exquisite room at the Kempinski.

Friday he has to work, and afterwards he’ll take his daughter Dolores out to dinner. The apple of daddy’s eye, she is a law student at his old University in the capital.

He’s come to town early because Thursday night is to be his private treat. After a light supper, he calls one of the city’s many agencies, and orders, “a petite tanned brunette, with shapely legs and long glossy hair, early twenties, BBBJ and A on the menu, por favor.”

“Certainly señor, we have exactly what you require, she asks for US$350, but this young lady is worth every cent, believe me. She will be with you in half an hour.”

Don Juan Domingo pops his blue pill and spends a tedious thirty minutes in high anticipation, his veteran cock bulging and straining for action. That knock at the door… and, sure, you saw this coming... …it’s his little treasure, Dolores.

Freud tells us that there are no coincidences. JD’s phone call revealed a subconscious need to sodomise his daughter. Not uncommon in the country concerned, one hears.

[Murilloa]

As we said earlier, business or tourist gentlemen sometimes invite a young woman to share their swanky hotel for an hour or two. This is usually an expensive event, especially if the lovely guest claims that her taxi cost €77 and that she needs to renew her energies by consuming everything in the minibar.

But there is deep pleasure in sprawling on the king-sized bed, wrapped in one of those soft towelling hotel bathrobes, awaiting the pretty putinha that you have ordered by phone. A soft knock at the door – there she is, in a discreet overcoat or in denims so as not to attract attention downstairs… and off come those garments to reveal the black lingerie combination or schoolgirl uniform that you had requested.

In fact on the rare occasions when Mur orders an escort (only on his travels, never in Lisbon), he asks for executive secretary clothes. This costume makes the goddess indistinguishable from other power-dressed females in the lobby, and is a delight to remove, piece by fragrant piece.

Now, returning to that Correio da Manhã website. Type the word ‘Deslocações’ into the search box. It means outcalls, social worker visits to people like you and Muri. Several dozen ads come up, like this one:

Bombástica... Inglesinha... 18 aninhos... Oral... Natural... Adoro... Apertadinha... apartamento... deslocações.

Interesting… a bouncy 18 year old English girl indeed, who loves giving BBBJ and describes herself as ‘apertadinha’… ‘tight little pussy’.

Any English monger reading this, with a daughter in Lisbon who said she was going to ‘study Portuguese’ ?

Which reminds Mur of a story, but… later. This one is probably 26 years old, and as ‘English’ as Zé Mourinho, but she possibly does speak the language.

Let’s try typing ‘hoteis’ into the box. Fewer hits, but how’s this?

Senhora 50A... Simpática... Convive domicilios, privado, hoteis English spoken .

Another English speaker, but fifty years old. Not Muri’s scene, although… is it the boss’s wife, perhaps? Mur has an evil dream of giving that 'tia' a big facial.

Finally, type ‘www’ into the box, for sites with photographs: most of these ladies can be persuaded to visit the presidential suite of the Sheraton Towers Hotel if you ask them very nicely, and at some of the sites you can find someone who speaks English. A later report will survey these web sites, although of course they change frequently.

You are very unlikely to secure an outcall to a Lisbon hotel for less than €100 per hour. €200 would be the norm, and the websites of some of the more exclusive courtesans announce tariffs up to €350 an hour, a price Mur will not pay. All the usual disclaimers apply about the reliability of web photographs and services promised.

[Murilloa]

A brilliant report. Please don't think I would call you or anyone a parasite. On the contrary the idea of the 'Lisbon Guide' is to recap so that nobody need go to the trouble of sending a PM in search of basics. Keep up the good reporting work,
best regards
Mur

[Pedrassi]

thank you ze duron and green banana for your amiability. as to mur, i understand your viewpoint that i might, at first sight, be acting like a parasite by demanding information immediately in my first post.

i shall explain why i did so: i was going to meet a pp girl in the next day or so and i wanted to be sure that i did not, to put it bluntly, fuck up. because mongering is supposed to be an activity of recreation and pleasure and not involve hurried visits to the hospital fearing for one's life.

having said that, i shall now write a summary of my trip to the pp girl's hangout place, since she is a relatively new addition to the site and i have not seen any posts concerning her here.

she was called bruna. the place was a residência next to saldanha's atrium, a small urban shopping centre.

things did not start very well, because when i entered through the door and saw her waiting on top of the entrance stairs, another man came in and it became impossible to pretend that i wasn't with her. it was an embarassing situation for me (and for her, i imagine...). i hoped the man would take the stairs and leave us at peace, but no, he presses the elevator button and there he waits, next to her, while it creakily moves down. so i swallow my awkwardness and go talk to bruna. the elevator finally comes and in we go, along with the man. another awkward silence. we get off in the 4th floor and the man, to my relief, stays on. but to top it off, i hear this cleaning lady approaching, which starts to make me a bit irritated with the whole situation.

we quickly move to her room, she locks the door and finally we are alone.

we talk for a bit, i give her her 100 "roses" gift, and then we kiss. i'm not usually confortable enough to kiss anyone just like that but she was sweet and pretty, and she smelled good. it also allowed for a relationship of trust to kick in from the beginning, as we slowly converted from strangers to each other to love birds in the end. it is worth mentioning her clothes: a light blue blouse and a casual skirt. not the decadent and grimey clothes and appearance that seems to afflict so many working girls today.

we eventually undress ourselves and lie on the bed. more intense, passionate kissing. i move downwards, where she makes me suck her nipples. not something i majorly fancied, they became instantly hard in my mouth, which was a bit weird for me. she then proceeded to suck hard my own nipples, which made me wonder if i really was the active side in this relation. she ended this foreplay by moving down, starting a bj at first without a condom, and then finishing it with.

some penetration was finally next. she took the initiative to start with the rodeo girl position. she compliments me on the size of my dick and seems to be really enjoying it. i encounter some difficulty moving to her rhythm, so eventually we change round. we then tried the "mama-papa" position (or missionary), to my delight. i still find it difficult to move freely as much as i'd like, so we later move to doggy-style. also cool, the noise of genitalia hitting against female ass was amusing. another one or two styles are tried next, including a sideways position where my legs and arms seem to be everywhere around her. one slightly annoying point to mention was that after giving me a bj she continued to want to kiss actively during intercourse, but i didn't mention it.

we continue to play about for a while, until she begins to get more and more concerned about my apparent inability to orgasm. we move back to old positions, but still no success. after a while she takes off the condom and tries to give me a handjob combined with frequent short periods of uncovered bj. to no avail, junior seemed determined in letting both of us down.

she seemed disappointed; i told her not to worry about it. it was without doubt not her fault, she was just great in bed. i reckon my inexperience in these matters continues to weigh in, having been the main problem.
after both of us having gone clean ourselves in the bathroom, we kiss and hug goodbye. after some intimate, girlfriend-type sex nothing better than a coherent ending to end the experience in a grand manner.

she accompanied me downstairs where we managed to talk a little more. we finally parted in the entryway. i open the door, to find myself being observed by a bunch of men sitting some metres away in a "esplanada". i make a speedy departure and there finally ends my little adventure.

apologies if this post is too large (i only realized now how big it's become) and if it is filled with too many flimsy, irrelevant details.

i won't be able to do any more test drives for a while because of some other commitments, but shall return when the time is ripe again.

ps mur those last two posts are as usual fascinatingly interesting. congrats on a job well done.

editor's note: i certainly hope that the author or somebody else will post a link to this report in the reports of distinction thread.