Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 4

Rio Bob

12-22-07, 00:03

capisci italiano........
...........
come stai? molto bene. buon giorno. ciao. arrivederci. every italian from italy knows these words and ev ery italian-american should.

but what about the goomba (cumpà) speech pattern? those words and phrases that are a little italian, a little american, and a little slang . words every paesano and bacciagaloop we have heard, (i'm 47yo italian 100% and i've never heard this word)- words we hear throughout our little italy neighborhood of new york
this form of language, the "goomba-italiano " (cumpà italiano) has been used for generations. it's not gangster slang terms like "whack" or "vig", if that's what you are thinking---nope, this is real guido talk!
the goomba (cumpà) says ciao when he arrives or leaves. he says mamma mia anytime emotion is needed in any given situation. mannaggia, meengya, uffa, and of course, vaffanculo can also be used. capito?

he uses a moppeen to wipe his hands in the cuchina, gets agita from the gravy and will shkeevats meatballs unless they are homemade from the famiglia. always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz (?) or a mezzo-finocchio.

there are usually plenty of mamalukes and the girl from the neighborhood with the reputation is a faccia-brutta, puttana or a schifosa.

if you are called cattivo, capatosta (napoletaner slang for dull/slow - not italian), sfaccimm' (also this one from neaples not italian), stupido, or stronzo (shit), you are usually a pain in the ass. a crazy diavolo can give you the malocchio (evil eye), but that red horn (contro malocchio) will protect you if you use it right. don't forget to always say per favore and grazie and prego .

if you are feeling mooshadda (i really don't know this word) or stounad (i really don't know this word) or mezzo-morto, always head to nonna's and she will fix you up with a little homemade manicott', cavadell', or calamar ' (also these are slang from neaples), or some ricotta cheesecake.

mangia some zeppole, cannoli, torrone, struffoli, sfogliatelle, pignoli cookies, or a little nutella on panetone. delizioso! i think i will fix myself a sangweech of cabacol' with some prosciutto and mozarella or maybe just a hot slice of pizza .

so salud' if you have any italian blood in you and you understood anything written here! then, you are numero uno and a professore of the goombas

if you don't get any of this, then fa nabola with the whole thing and you are a disgraziato. scuzi, mia dispiace, i didn't mean that....... just....... fugheddaboudit(che c...zo - f.ck - vuol dire?)i

this more understandable also for italian people, an not only for the ones who lives in neaples
don't be hurted friend, it is not my intention, neither joking you

friendly

look it's all just a joke, i'm not advocating any of this slang. if you're italian and speak good italian then for sure you might not know what some of these words mean. maybe i can help a little.

words every paesano and bacciagaloop we have heard, (i'm 47yo italian 100% and i've never heard this word)- bacciagaloop is an italian last name, my grandfather had a bar in little italy many years ago and he had his funeral at bacciagaloop's in little italy in new york, i'm not sure if it is still there but i know i spelled it wrong. but stupid new yorkers who want to refer to a greasball italian may refer to him as bacciagaloop, get it?

always foonah your bread in the pot of gravy (sauce) or you will be considered a real googootz (?) or a mezzo-finocchio.

googootz is zuchinni a vegatable, so if someone calls you a googootz, they are calling you stupid.

if you are feeling mooshadda (i really don't know this word) or stounad (i really don't know this word)

mooshadd is like you are feeling down or slow, tired, dopey.

stounad is like stupid.

Rio Bob

12-27-07, 16:04

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beauti ful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZA M- she' s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Rio Bob

12-29-07, 00:13

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, His father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table: a Bible , a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll See which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to Be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessma n, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the Bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that Magazine he's gonna be a Skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his Room. The boy Tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He Picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold .

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress

John Jr

01-01-08, 17:11

Happy New Years ...

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1228354740

Turbo Pascal

01-08-08, 10:18

The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with build-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."

Turbo Pascal

01-08-08, 10:19

the girl called a sex therapist and said, "remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? well, last night i found a new route... now i need some birth control pills."

the doc asked, "what's his occupation?"

the girl said, "army."

"active or retired?"

"if he wasn't active, i wouldn't need these damn pills, would i?!"

Yusta Vansel

01-08-08, 10:26

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well, so
they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabergasted, the guy responded, "Yes, that's amazing. How did you figure
that out ?"

The girl said, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another, so they migrated to the bed and things became more passionate. After they were done, the girl said, "You must be a great
dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, and said, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist,
How did you figure that out?"

The girl replied, "Easy. I didn't feel a thing!"

Yusta Vansel

01-08-08, 10:28

Will I be the first to do this to you ?"
whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."

Turbo Pascal

01-15-08, 08:20

Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding up in bed these days?"

The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."

"How's that?"

"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere."

Turbo Pascal

01-15-08, 08:25

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans.
He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?"
"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?

Robbaf

01-16-08, 10:27

school 1967 vs. school 2007

scenario: jack goes hunting before school, gets to school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - vice principal comes over, looks at jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show jack.
2007 - school goes into lockdown, the fbi is called, jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

scenario: johnny and mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - crowd gathers. mark wins. johnny and mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - police are called, swat team arrives and arrests johnny and mark. they are charged with assault and both are expelled even though johnny started it.

scenario: jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - jeffrey is given huge doses of ritalin. becomes a zombie. tested for add. school gets extra state funding because jeffrey has a disability.

scenario: billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. state psychologist tells billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

scenario: mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - mark shares aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - police are called and mark is expelled from school for drug violations. his car is searched for drugs and weapons.

scenario: pedro fails high-school english.

1967 - pedro goes to summer school, passes english, goes to college.
2007 - pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making english a requirement for graduation is racist. us civil liberties association files class action lawsuit against state school system and pedro's english teacher. english is banned from core curriculum. pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak english.

scenario: johnny takes apart leftover independence day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1967 - ants die.
2007 - homeland security and fbi are called and johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confirep001ed, and johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

scenario: johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. his teacher, mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1967 - johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. she faces three years in federal prison. johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Horologist

01-31-08, 12:27

A BEER IS BETTER…

The Bangkok version

Editors Note: Thanks to the merry group of beer drinkers (John, John, and John), who endured several nights out in Patpong, Soi Cowboy and NEP brainstorming this version. The groups combined total of more than 85 years living in Thailand (and only God knows how many beers & women) allows us to speak with experience.

Beer never calls or writes to ask for money.
Beer doesn’t ask for gold jewelry.
A beer is the best thing to pick up at the Marine Bar.
Beer never asks where you came from (or what your name is).
Beer never has a sick mother.
Beer doesn’t need to be fed every two hours.
Beer doesn’t wear a number.
You don’t need to wear a condom to drink a beer.
You can drink a beer EVERYDAY of the month.
Beer doesn’t have a sister with absolutely NO family resemblance.
Beer has a good reputation.
Beer makes you want more.
Beer won’t show up or call the next day.
Beer doesn’t have a friend named Noi.
Beer knows when to leave.
Beer always tastes good.
Beer never leaves you disappointed when you take off the label.
After you’ve had a beer…no one else can.
Beer gives a bitter head.
Beer doesn’t hang around.
You can be certain you’re the first one to open a beer.
Beer can’t make a long distance call on your mobile when you’re in the toilet.
A beer doesn’t want to sit on your lap.
Beer never worked for the Kings Group.
Beer never worked at a Rainbow Bar.
Beer can dance.
A beer is never a katoey.
Beer never leaves lipstick or scratch marks.
Getting rid of a beer is easy.
You don’t have to share a beer with the rest of Bangkok.
A beer doesn’t look at others when you put your lips on it.
A beer never worries about its figure.
A beer never calls you “kee nieo” (sticky shit or miserly).
A beer is taller than most Thai women.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a nose job.
Beer doesn’t think it’d look better with a tit job.
Bar fine for a beer is only 60 Baht.
A beer won’t give you AIDS.
A beer is the best looking thing at Thermae at closing time.
With a beer, “Happy Hour” always is.
It’s easy to manage a beer.
Beer doesn’t have to talk with Trink every week (only you old hands will get this).
Beer doesn’t come from Issan.
When beer goes flat, you can throw it out.
Beer looks the same in the morning.
Beer doesn’t come to work on a motorbike.
Legs don’t get in the way when you lift a six-pack.
You can get beer into a glass without KY.
A beer bottle never needs batteries.
Beer doesn’t have stretch marks.
Beer has a garden, not a bush.
Beer never comes in your hand and always leaves when it’s finished.
A beer doesn’t fart when you’ve finished having fun with it.
Beer never gets pregnant.
No beer is “coyote ugly”.
Beer never insists on keeping you until it’s finished.
Beer never insists you quench its thirst.
Beer could never amputate your dick.
Beer is here today and gone tomorrow.
Beer doesn’t eat grasshoppers.
Beer only has a drippy glass.
When you put a sack over beer it stays on.
A beer only weighs 12oz.
A beer never wants to “tio” (making the rounds to her hangouts).
You don’t need 2 hands to hold a beer.
A beer doesn’t make you shower first.
You don’t need to tip a beer.
A beer never asks for taxi money.
Beers foam is blonde.
The sweat on a beer has no odor.
You can see though a beer.
Beer is easier to understand.
Beer never wants more money after you’ve paid for it.
Beer doesn’t wear make-up.
Beer doesn’t dance while talking on a mobile phone.
Beer is always wet.

Turbo Pascal

02-02-08, 13:45

A sex researcher called one of his participants in a recent survey to check on a discrepancy.
"Sir, in response to the question of frequency of intercourse" the researcher said, "you answered 'twice weekly.' Your wife, on the other hand, said 'several times per night.' How could this be correct?"

"That's right," the man said, "and that's the way its going to stay until the house is paid off!"

Turbo Pascal

02-02-08, 13:48

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She
put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs
sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no
legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man
smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad
smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Turbo Pascal

02-02-08, 13:50

a woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend.

the woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said, "what a beautiful baby boy! little jesse looks just like his father."

"i know," replied the woman, "i just wish he looked more like my husband.

Yusta Vansel

02-03-08, 07:16

Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

Yusta Vansel

02-03-08, 07:20

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new
doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor
told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An
older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after
listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's
room. "What in the world is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman
is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Lorenzo

02-06-08, 07:24

a blonde's year in review
>
>
> january
> took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
>
> february
> fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... helllloooo!!! ...
> bottles won't fit into pri nter!!!
>
> march
> got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said
> "2-4 years!"
>
> april
> trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!
>
> may
> tried to make kool-aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't
> fit into those little packets!!!
>
> june
> tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
>
> july
> lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later the other
> swimmers cheated ... they used their arms!!!
>
> august
> got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because soft-top was
> open.
>
> september
> the capital of california is "c" ... isn't it???
>
> october
> hate m & m's ... they are sooo hard to peel.
>
> november
> baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and i
> weigh 108!!
>
> december
> couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid
> phone!!!
>
> jeeez ... what a year!!

NicFrenchy

02-20-08, 04:08

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.

"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"She tried a rubber device she ordered from some internet web site but it broke.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open!"

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:03

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:04

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:05

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:06

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:07

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....''

''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.

''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.''

''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.''

''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''

''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.''

''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.

''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''

''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.''

''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.''

''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

''Yes,'' the photographer said.

''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''

''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.''

''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!''

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:08

a few months after his parents were divorced, little johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "i need a man, i need a man!"

over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

one day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. when he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

little johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "ohh, i need a bike! i need a bike!"

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:08

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:09

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:10

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:11

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

VileMaggot

02-26-08, 06:11

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Turbo Pascal

02-27-08, 10:07

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

Turbo Pascal

02-27-08, 10:09

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Marines.

At the induction physical, the doctor directed the reluctant naked recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

"What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall!" The doctor said."What wall?

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked.

"What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your 'indicator' is pointing toward Paris Island !

Welcome to the Marine Corps, son.

Wazza88

02-27-08, 12:30

humpty dumpty lay on the bed,

little bo peep was giving him head,

when he came , she started to weep,

she knew by the taste,

he'd been fucking her sheep.

Wazza88

02-27-08, 13:07

A bar girl had not been home for 5 years.

Upon her return,her father yells at her "Where have you been all this time? Why did'nt you call us? Do you not understand how your family suffered?"

The girl sobbing her eyes out said " Dad I became a prostitute."

"You what? Get out of here, you shameless hussy! You are a sinner! A disgrace to your family! "

"O.K. dad, I came back to give you the title deed to a ten room condominium, a Rolex watch each for you and mum and keys for a new Mercedes."

"Now what were you doing when you were away? said the father.

The girl replies, " a prostitute dad."

"Oh Jesus, you scared the shit out of me. I thought you said Protestant. Now come here and give your old dad a hug."

Wazza88

03-04-08, 13:22

A lion in a London Zoo was lazing in the sun and licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said,"that's a docile thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo.Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible," said the astonished visitor, "but why is he lying there licking his arse?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth," said the keeper.

LifeSavour

03-04-08, 20:17

A bar girl had not been home for 5 years.
........."This joke (in the original. Correct. Form)

Has already been posted!

Wtf?

Yours makes no sense.

Lorenzo

03-17-08, 04:41

a woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or sex for over 5 years.

she was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known chinese sex therapist dr. woo fong chang.
upon entering the examination room, dr. chang said, "ok, take off all you crose."
the woman did as she was told.

"now, down on your hands and knees and craw reery, reery fass to
odder side of room."
again, the woman did as she was instructed. dr. chang then said, "ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

as she did, dr. chang shook his head slowly. "your probrem vewy bad. you haf ed zachary disease.
worse case i ever see. dat why you not haf sex or dates."

the woman asked anxiously, "oh my god, dr. chang, what is ed zachary disease?"

dr. chang sighed deeply and replied, "ed zachary disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass"!

Lorenzo

03-26-08, 17:16

> Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
>> plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
>> so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
>>
>> The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"
>>
>> His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
>> says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
>>
>> When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
>> brings over a Budweiser.
>>
>> His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she
>> know that you drink Budweiser?"
>>
>> "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
>> Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
>>
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob
>> start s to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual
>> table dance, big boy?"
>>
>> Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
>>
>> Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
>> door, he jumps in beside her.
>>
>> Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
>> for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at
>> him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
>>
>> The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real beeyutch this time."

Uni Den

04-08-08, 16:18

it has recently been reported that indians are among the oldest in the world to lose virginity. as compared to austrians losing it when they are 17, and americans losing it when they are 18, india’s youngsters wait another 4 years until they are almost 23. only malaysians were found to be more patient than indians, with their average of losing virginity at 23 years of age.

here are my top 10 reasons why indians don’t lose virginity until they are 22.9 years of age.

1. it’s not a question of waiting. it’s a question of getting.

2. indian teenagers are too busy studying computer science or learning call center etiquettes.

3. indians actually do lose virginity much earlier. they just don’t want to tell the truth.

4. there is just no time to lose virginity between watching idol shows, singing contests, cricket matches, and evening soaps.

5. you need some privacy to lose virginity. with the neighbors peeking in, constantly ringing doorbells, household help around 24 hours, it can get a little hard to find privacy.

6. with most indian girls dreaming about shahrukh khan, john abraham, and hrithik roshan, things can certainly get rough for the average joe out there.

7. indians don’t mind waiting, in general. we wait in long lines at the banks, bus stops, ticket windows, visa lines, college admissions, losing virginity. waiting has just become a second nature.

8. well, indians may lose it later than others. but boy, once we lose it, do we really stop? never! we are second to none, when it comes to virility, we are the breediest and the greediest in matters of lust! this whole country is one giant lust-bin, really!

9. indians like to make fun of global survey people. so most global surveys about india really never manage to get real data.

10. other countries lose virginity on an impulse. indians patented the concept of ‘suhaag raat’ (first night) with a double-bed decorated with flowers, neighbors and relatives teasing the couple, the bride wearing a veil, the groom chewing betel-leaves, bollywood songs playing in a distance. would anyone give up all that fun for a mere impulsive interlude?

editor's note: i would suggest that the author or another forum member consider posting a link to this report in the reports of distinction thread. please click here (http://www.internationalsexguide.info/forum/announcement-reportsofdistinction.php?) for more information.

Dr X Man

04-13-08, 22:44

The request

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

Mr. John: as the attorney for Mr. P. Niss let's be honest, Mr P. Niss is only in this job for himself. He provides no benefit to V. Gina except to plant seeds.

In light of that, Mr. Niss has agreed to allowing his assistant, Mr. Ton-gue to take on the most important task of giving V. Gina assistance in the area of gratification enhancement.

Please review the attached addendum to his employment agreement which allows Mr Ton-gue to get involved on a regular bases from now on.

I see no reason for V. Gina to take further action against Mr. Niss.

Smokey 3

04-18-08, 02:37

A Belgian guy is on his way to the swimming pool.

He carries a bucket so he can pick some fruit after he has taken a swim to take home.

As he comes near the pool he hears the voices of girls in the pool.

He sees the girls are all swimming naked.

They shout: we will not come out of the water as long as you are standing there. " No problem girls I will only be a minute"

Oh why is that? He shows the bucket and says:
.
" I have only come here to feed the crocodiles"

Grateful Spread

04-20-08, 00:31

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Cure for Male Pattern Baldness found
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Smokey 3

04-20-08, 00:47

I could live with that kind of schedule, no Problem!

Only comment: Champagne does not come with a year, wine does.

Lior 52

04-22-08, 16:38

I could live with that kind of schedule, no Problem!

Only comment: Champagne does not come with a year, wine does.Champange does come with year it is a sparkling wine!

Smokey 3

04-23-08, 17:17

Champange does come with year it is a sparkling wine!
You are right and you are wrong!
Most champagne wines come without a year however there is a special class of rather expensive champagne wines called Millesime that are marketed with the year of production.

Check any wine list and you will see champagne is sold without mentioning the year of production.
Asking for a year makes you look foolish and most certain you are categorized as a parvenu.

Grateful Spread

04-24-08, 11:20

i could live with that kind of schedule, no problem!

only comment: champagne does not come with a year, wine does.
champange does come with year it is a sparkling wine!
you are right and you are wrong!for goodness sake! it was a joke - but for the record - i have always understood that, unlike other champagnes, dom perignon is a vintage champagne, i.e. made from grapes harvested in a particularly good year (as opposed to a non vintage one, which is made from grapes harvested in various years).

another joke for you (caution! there may be some bits that are made up;)

====================================================

after getting all of pope benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the pope is still standing on the curb

'excuse me, your holiness,' says the driver,

'would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'well, to tell you the truth,' says the pope, 'they never let me drive at the vatican, and i'd really like to drive today.'

'i'm sorry but i cannot let you do that. i'd lose my job! and what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'there might be something extra in it for you,' says the pope.
reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the pope climbs in behind the wheel.

the driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'please slow down, your holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'oh, dear god, i'm gonna lose my license, ' moans the driver.

the pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'i need to talk to the chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

the chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'so bust him,' says the chief.

'i don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

the chief exclaimed, 'all the more reason!'

'no, i mean really important,' said the cop.

the chief then asked, 'who ya got there, the mayor?'

cop: 'bigger.'

chief: 'governor?'

cop: 'bigger.'

'well,' said the chief, 'who is it?'

cop: 'i think it's god!'

chief: 'what makes you think it's god?'

cop: 'he's got the f***ing pope as a chauffeur!'

Smokey 3

04-24-08, 11:30

@ Grateful spread

That is a great one!
I missed a smiley with your remark about bubbly wine.

Wickedpedia and other sources do not mention the thing about champagne and years.

I had to call my lawyer, who is a known wine connoisseur, to hear about Millesime champagne that is the only bubbles with a year mentioned.
The answer will probably cost me 150 euro. Never mind, it is for a good cause.

Rubber Nursey

05-03-08, 07:50

SURVEY: How to tell if you're a true gentleman...

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a] Lovemaking
b] Screwing
c] The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a] Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b] Your blood-test results
c] Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a] Your partner climaxes first
b] You both climax simultaneously
c] You don't miss Sports Tonight

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a] Healthy, creative love-play
b] Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c] Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a] The best part of the experience
b] The second best part of the experience
c] $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a] No concern of yours
b] Not a problem - she can join your gym
c] A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a] A myth
b] An oxymoron
c] Just a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a] Appetizer is to entree
b] Priming is to painting
c] A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a] "I hope we can still be friends."
b] "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c] "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a] Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b] Is uptight and a waste of time
c] Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me. Let's go drinking.

Sgt Perv

05-11-08, 02:35

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of th e long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullsh--tin' me!

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

Eaglestar

05-15-08, 01:53

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - *****
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally..... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

Smokey 3

05-15-08, 02:29

Forget: Men are from Mars and women come from Venus.
This is what it is all about. It took me thirty years to find that out.

I wish I would have known this years ago.
It could have saved me a million dollars in alimony and may have given me the best sex I can think of for free.

Marpa

05-20-08, 10:03

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

Marpa

05-20-08, 10:10

AN eighteen-year-old Italian girl told her mother that she was expecting a baby. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picked up the phone and made a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stopped in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, stepped out of the Ferrari and entered the house. He sat in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and said, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, two retail stores, a townhouse, a seaside villa, and a £2m bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4m bank account. If it is twins, they will receive a factory and £2m each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You try again."

Worf1972

05-25-08, 15:10

Funny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This comes from a very seasoned guy: Have fun.
You may have been the one to post this a while back:

BBW = fat
Voluptuous = fat
Curvy = fat
Curvaceous = fat
Thick = fat
Rubenesque = fat
Womanly = fat
Gives bra size only? = fat
Busty = either saggy or fat
Naturally busty = saggy and fat
Real woman = saggy, fat and ugly

Slim = no boobs
Svelte = no boobs
Slender = no boobs
Dancer's body = no boobs

Bombshell = fake boobs
Baywatch = fake boobs
Playboy = fake boobs
Model = fake boobs

Brazilian = black
Caramel = black
Chocolate = black
Cuban = black
Ebony = black
Egyptian = black
Ethiopian = black
Exotic = black
Hawaiian = black
Mocha = black
Mulatto = black
Nubian = black
Mixed = black

Mature = old
Courtesan = old
Gracious = old
Refined = old
Elegant = old
Classic = old

Age = generally add a few years, here are some frequent exceptions:
College Student = late 20's
Just turned 18 = mid 20's
19 = possible jailbait
21 = late 20's
28 = late 30's

Intelligent = brunette
Sorority Girl = blonde
Selective = overpriced
Exclusive = very overpriced
Classy = can't afford lingerie
Freaky = doesn't shower between clients
Upscale = snooty personality
All American = trailer trash
Princess = I have an attitude problem
Las Vegas = Bellagio prices, Motel 6 service
coed = plain looking with acne problem
girl next door = looks like the boy next door
Goddess = If you believe this is me in the pictures...
Real Doll = Bubba brings you an inflatable doll, no refunds
Energetic = methamphetamine addict
Down to earth = boring
College graduate = sleeps with professors
open minded = openly accepts tips

New to business = changed name
New to area = changed name and moved across town

Up to an hour = 1 shot and she's gone.
Discreet = I check your ID
Discrete = I can't spell
Advance notice required = you'll never get a hold of me
Seeks generous gentleman = robs the elderly
Seeks generous businessmen = robs out-of-towners
Once in a lifetime experience = you won't repeat
I love what I do = I'm desperate for clients.
Satisfaction guaranteed = I guarantee I'm getting your money
Available 24/7 = my pimp never sleeps

What an ad DOESN'T say, is also a source of information. Unless specified, you can assume:
hair color = brown
hair length = to shoulder
eye color = brown
age = mature
height = short
weight = heavy
cup size = small
measurements = large

BE FOREWARNED!!

Sgt Perv

05-28-08, 17:13

http://www.santorine.org/adolph/ohyes.html

Mature Man

05-30-08, 10:31

The new bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction, Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal, afterwards he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY!

Eaglestar

06-03-08, 04:31

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game , she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40 Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal . For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Eaglestar

06-03-08, 05:27

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her.They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure, maybe she choked ?'

Turbo Pascal

06-03-08, 06:30

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you." Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's in it for me?"

Turbo Pascal

06-03-08, 06:32

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

Turbo Pascal

06-03-08, 06:35

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part.
That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped."

"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said.

"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."

Yusta Vansel

06-03-08, 08:01

A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the name, Bubba. He went to court and changed his name.

The judge asked, "What name do you want it changed to?"

He said, "Candy."

The judge replied, "Candy? "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?"

"Yes that's right, your honor." said Bubba.

The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally, your name is now, Candy."

He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?" He said, "It's me!"

She said, "Come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."

He said, "It's not Bubba."

She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."

He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."

She asked, "What it is?"

He said, "Guess."

She said, "Leroy?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Johnny?"

He answered, "No."

She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."

He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth."

She replied, "Oh!... Come on in, Dick."

Smokey 3

06-03-08, 08:04

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

I recommend reading " In praise of older women"
Sorry, I do not remember the authors name.

Yusta Vansel

06-03-08, 08:13

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said,

"Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my tits!"

Rubber Nursey

06-03-08, 09:48

The Federal Government is giving each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

So go out, get drunk and get laid. For your country.

Thank you for your help,

Kevin Rudd (Prime Minister)
Wayne Swan (Treasurer)

Angus Magee

06-11-08, 17:28

Melissa Cherry interview from The Onion Movie

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/110693/

Quote " I'm a virgin. How would I know what a facial is?"

Too funny!

Sgt Perv

06-14-08, 19:19

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

Sgt Perv

06-15-08, 05:33

Smokey 3

06-15-08, 08:33

@ SGT Perv,

You posted the same message twice but it sure was worth it.
Typical marine attitude, a pleasure to read the interview.

Sgt Perv

06-15-08, 20:46

I had an internet malfunction and thought first post was not sent.

Smokey 3

06-16-08, 08:10

Better twice than sorry.
I enjoyed the marines story very much.

Thanks!

Frankypanky

06-17-08, 17:12

Wife A: I hate my engineer husband, erect n erect…
Wife B: Mine is a Doctor, inject n inject…
Wife C: You both are lucky, mine is a lawyer! postpone n postpone!

Punter 127

06-18-08, 11:24

Our genealogy

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom
said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.

Ferolga777

06-22-08, 20:32

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2006/03/smut_mp3s.html

Lucille Bogan sang it 70 years ago and its still more transgressive and artful than most other attempts. The link above has it in the second listing.

Shave ’Em Dry

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll make a dead man come,
Oh, daddy, baby won’t you shave ’em dry?

Now, draw it out!

Want you to grind me, baby, grind me until I cry.

[Roland: Uh, huh.]

Say I fucked all night, and all the night before, baby,
And I feel just like I wanna, fuck some more,
Oh, great God, daddy.
Grind me honey and shave me dry,
And when you hear me holler baby, want you to shave it dry.
I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
Daddy, you say that’s the kind of ’em you want,
and you can make ’em come,
Oh, daddy shave me dry.

And I’ll give you somethin’ baby,
Swear it’ll make you cry.
I’m gon’ turn back my mattress,
And let you oil my springs,
I want you to grind me daddy, till the bell do ring,
Oh, daddy, want you to shave ’em dry,
Oh, great God daddy,
If you can’t shave ’em baby won’t you try?
Now if fuckin’ was the thing,
That would take me to heaven,
I’d be fuckin’ in the studio,
Till the clock strike eleven,
Oh daddy, daddy shave ’em dry,
I would fuck you baby, honey I’d make you cry.
Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell clapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddamn ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walk in like people.

Ow, shit!

[Roland: Aah, sure enough, shave ’em dry.]

Ooh! Baby, won’t you shave ’em dry

A big sow gets fat from eatin’ corn,
And a pig gets fat from suckin’,
When you see this ***** fat like I am,
Great God, I got fat from fuckin’.

Eeeeh! Shave ’em dry.

[Roland: Aah, shake it, don’t break it.]

My back is made of whalebone,
And my cock is made of brass,
And my fuckin’ is made for workin’ these two dogs
that go round to kiss my ass.

Oh! Whoo, daddy, shave ’em dry.

Sgt Perv

06-28-08, 23:02

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.

"Spot on" Bruce said
.
"While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,

"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive" .

Sgt Perv

06-28-08, 23:04

http://watchersweb.com/sub_preview.php?sub_no=m84pap1214505142

Robbaf

06-29-08, 07:35

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:I agree and here is why:
They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell and they are greatful as hell!

Robb

Dr X Man

07-02-08, 02:17

Do not be like that:

http://www.break.com/index/wii_sex_toy.html

The Sex Hunter

07-05-08, 19:52

Wow, that Wii thing is a big fun thing! I think I have to get one to keep the girlfriends busy while I am out, hunting!

The Sex Hunter

07-05-08, 19:57

Gentlemen,

How about a Benz?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlMKjjUz-Uc&feature=related

Lookin

07-10-08, 14:25

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A: The swallow.

The Sex Hunter

07-11-08, 02:55

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you.

Eaglestar

07-15-08, 01:57

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Honey,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy! with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Turbo Pascal

07-16-08, 07:50

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Turbo Pascal

07-16-08, 07:52

The prostitute had an appointment with her psychiatrist. When she entered at his office he asked her to lie on the couch.

"If you don't mind," she said, "I've been working all day. Do you mind
if I stand?"

One intimate question led to another and the prostitute and her psychiatrist ended up on his couch in a very sexy session.

When it was over they lay silent for a moment and then both said simultaneously, "That will be one hundred dollars, thank you."

Yusta Vansel

07-16-08, 08:11

three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. they somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.

after they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer.

surprised, he replied, "yes, i am! how did you know?"

"easy," she said. "i'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."

just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "are you a mechanical engineer?"

he said, "why, yes, ma'am. how did you know that?"

"simple," she said, "your piston is scraping my cylinder."

shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "are you a civil engineer?"

"i certainly am," he answered. "how could you have known that?"

"well," she said, "i figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."

Yusta Vansel

07-16-08, 08:13

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother,

"Remember dear, when he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl's best friends are her legs."

Much to her mother's dismay however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. "What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your best friends are your legs?"

"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time when even best friends must part."

Lorenzo

07-19-08, 17:27

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

Lazzaro

07-22-08, 16:20

Eaglestar

07-23-08, 02:07

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she
wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she
asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh,' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,
No I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight
was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom, You still awake?'

Eaglestar

07-23-08, 02:13

wisdom - from the military manual

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
'if the enemy is in range, so are you.' - infantry journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------

'it is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed..' -

u.s. air force manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - general macarthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'you, you, and you ... panic. the rest of you, come with me.' - u.s. marine corp gunnery sgt.
------ ------ --------- --------- ---------
'tracers work both ways.' - u.s. army ordnance
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'five second fuses only last three seconds.' - infantry journal
----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------
'any ship can be a minesweeper. once.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' - unknown marine recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'if you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - usaf ammo troop
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'though i fly through the valley of death , i shall fear no evil. for i am at 80,000 feet and climbing.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'you've never been lost until you've been lost at mach 3.'

- paul f. crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'the only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'if the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------
'when one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have

enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'even with ammunition, the usaf is just another expensive flying club..'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'what is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

if a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;

if atc screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

'never trade luck for skill.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

the three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:

'why is it doing that?'
'where are we?'
and
'oh s...!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------

'airspeed, altitude and brains. two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'the piper cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - attributed to max stanley

(northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'there is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

sign over squadron ops desk at

davis-monthan afb, az, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'if something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'you know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
as the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks,
'what happened?'
the pilot's reply: 'i don't know, i just got here myself!'
- attributed to ray crandell

(lockheed test pilot)

Eaglestar

07-23-08, 02:18

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir...they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Eaglestar

07-23-08, 09:57

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, 'Paddy, will you draw your curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick,'the entire street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' says Paddy, 'the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday.'

YoursDeepus

08-06-08, 07:55

It has recently been reported that Indians are among the oldest in the world to lose virginity. As compared to Austrians losing it when they are 17, and americans losing it when they are 18, India’s youngsters wait another 4 years until they are almost 23. Only Malaysians were found to be more patient than Indians, with their average of losing virginity at 23 years of age.

Here are my top 10 reasons why Indians don’t lose virginity until they are 22.9 years of age.

1. It’s not a question of waiting. It’s a question of getting.
All the 10 reasons are so right!

Puzzo

08-14-08, 08:12

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24179241-663,00.html

Sgt Perv

08-25-08, 20:30

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips!

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas, But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.

This Is Done By The Chip Monks. =0 A

You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You?

Gotcha!

======================================

Hi Sgt Perv,

I sincerely appreciate your contributions to the forum, but...

Would you please refrain from capitalizing the first letter of EVERY word in your reports!

It's difficult to read, it's time consuming to fix, and it takes you more work to write like that.

On behalf of myself and your fellow Forum Members: Thank You!

Jackson

Eaglestar

08-26-08, 01:59

My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went yesterday. OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why. She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!"

Junior Punter

08-26-08, 15:18

a female friend of mine sent this to me (she rides horses - lucky me!):

1. we have 4 speeds and many positions
2. we wear tight pants and tall boots!!
3. we love getting dirty
4. we know how to ride our mounts
5. we perform well with animals
6. we like to be in control
7. we'll ride it for hours!!!
8. we know how to handle a big girth
9. we get off easy
10. we're always on top
11. we like it rough
12. we have our legs spread all day long!!
13. we love using whips
14. straddling is our natural position
15. we dont mind being bucked around
16. event riders do it three ways!!
17. we can ride standing or sitting
18. we wear leather chaps everyday
19. we think the fast ones are more fun
20. we're used to having hands between our legs
21. if we fall off,we get back on and ride harder!!!

Sgt Perv

08-27-08, 22:15

you better go [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134) before you read this one! i want one! pocket taser stun gun, a great gift for the wife. a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this: last weekend i saw something at larry's pistol & pawn shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 15th anniversary and i was looking for a little something extra for my wife julie. what i came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. the effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. way too cool! long story short, i bought the device and brought it home. i loaded two aaa batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. nothing! i was disappointed. i learned, however, that if i pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; i'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. awesome! unfortunately, i have yet to explain to julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. okay, so i was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right? there i sat in my recliner, my cat gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while i was reading the directions and thinking that i really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. i must admit i thought about zapping gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. she is such a sweet cat. but, if i was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, i did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. am i wrong? so, there i sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. the directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. all the while i'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inchs long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no possible way! what happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best? i'm sitting there alone, gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. i decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. i touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. holy mother of god! weapons of mass destruction. what the hell! i'm pretty sure jessie ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. i vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? the cat was making meowing sounds i had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. a three second burst would be considered conservative? son-of-a-*****, that hurt like hell! a minute or so later (i can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), i collected my wits (what little i had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. my bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. my face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. i had no control over the drooling. apparently i shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. i saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which i believe came from my hair. i'm still looking for my nuts and i'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! p.s. my wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! if you think education is difficult, try being stupid.

Exie66

08-31-08, 18:08

Great story. Cracked me up. Well done.

Sgt Perv

09-01-08, 07:38

bad day at the office

if you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! this is even funnier when you realize it's real!

next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. 0arob is a commercial saturation diver for global divers in louisiana. he performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. she then sent it to radio station 103. 2 on fm dial in ft. wayne, indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

needless to say, she won.

hi sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. last week i had a bad day at the office. i know you've been feeling down lately at work, so i thought i would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. before i can tell you what happened to me, i first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

as you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. i wear a suit to the office. it's a wet suit. this time of year the water is quite cool. so what we do to keep warm is this:

we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. this $20, 000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. it heats it to a delightful temperature. it then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. now this sounds like a darn good plan, and i've used it several times with no complaints.

what i do, when i get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. this floods =0 amy whole suit with warm water. it's like working in a jacuzzi.

everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. so, of course, i scratched it. this only made things worse. within a few seconds my butt started to burn.

i pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. in agony i realized what had happened.

the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. now, since i don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

when i scratched what i thought was an itch, i was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. i informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. his instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

needless to say i aborted the dive. i was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before i could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. when i arrived at the surface, i was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

as i climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as i got in the chamber.

the cream put the fire out, but20i couldn't [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

so, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

now repeat to yourself, 'i love my job, i love my job, i love my job. '

now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

may you never have a jellyfish bad day!

LifeSavour

09-03-08, 07:16

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY! '

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you? '

And that's when the fight started.

Sgt Perv

09-08-08, 09:44

I Love Mustard.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,

Light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but

Was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, ' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak

Of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted

With my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.''

Sgt Perv

09-16-08, 19:20

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there! '

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! '

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you stillthere?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing' replied the drunk.

Sgt Perv

09-17-08, 02:09

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All those for me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied.

"The rest are for your father."

Lorenzo

09-22-08, 01:11

Three Nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

Lorenzo

09-26-08, 22:45

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship
with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country
has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of
800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it
would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you
may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation
movem ent in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the
funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds
in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under
surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a
reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the
funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund
account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to
wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov
so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After
I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information
about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
U.S.A.
(Bet you thought it was from Nigeria)

Mature Man

09-27-08, 01:16

The launch of a new drug by the FDA was announced today to cater to the emergency situation resulting from the joint action by the Fed and the Treasury Secretary.

The Drug is called Fedmycin and has to be administered with or without consent to all Americans to treat them for a viral debt contagion that has engulfed the US.

The drug ensures that the Vitamin "M" is removed from the citizen's body. The drug is known to act only on those whose net "M" count is less than a million. Those who are the exceptions and having their net "M" count above the million figure, form below 2% of the populace.

One of the major side effects is that it is known to cause trauma and make people crap in their pants for which the commonly used and understood terminology is "Shitting Bricks"

Lorenzo

09-27-08, 18:37

The Little Red Hen

Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a
little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she
uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.

She called all of her neighbors together and said,
'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will
help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the
little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into
golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,'said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread ?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her
neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But
the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and
marched around and around the little red hen, shouting
obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama)came. He said to the little
red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little redhen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That
is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful.
Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But
under our modern government regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those
who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the
little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful,
for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her.
She never again baked bread because she joined the
'party' and got her bread free.

And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been
established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody
noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was
free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his
memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two
people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under
oath that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Sgt Perv

09-27-08, 19:43

This is why I do not like virgins.

http://toilette-humor.com/female_humor/ketchup/ketchup.shtml

Permanent Damage

09-28-08, 01:27

What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic that works in the back room at the Oyster Bar?

Eaglestar

09-29-08, 10:28

Women Over 30 or close to it!!

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for
those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into
their 30's!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are
just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's
usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of
30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with it

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women
friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best
friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over
30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she
knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not
true of younger women or drag queens

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.

Dr X Man

09-30-08, 03:59

Mission for a missionary
Missionary quite contrary
How does your garden grow
A sixty niner is always finer
Come on lets go, dont be slow
Diggy doggy, you bend over
And i'll do you real slow
No i mean really slow
We both stand up, you pretend
Your looking over my shoulder
For a four leaf clover
We both pretend, because we dont know
We sit and face each other
Well' sit till the cows come home
I'll lie on my back
You pretend where at the track
You saddle me like a colt
I, ll just lie real still
Try not to bolt
Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex
By
allan james saywell

Permanent Damage

09-30-08, 23:03

What's the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic that works in the back room at the Oyster Bar?One fucks between shits, and the other shucks between "fits".

P.D.

Sgt Perv

10-06-08, 23:12

HELLO OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

Samsung Electronics
Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

Permanent Damage

10-07-08, 20:47

What's the difference between a Soprano Opera Singer, and a Seamstress (female tailor)?

Sgt Perv

10-08-08, 20:33

The recipe

I knew it......I knew it!

I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

Sgt Perv

10-08-08, 21:00

Friendship

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/***** who made you sad.

When you are scared, I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath; I pledge till the end.

Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.

Sgt Perv

10-09-08, 12:30

profound comments

1. the roundest knight at king arthur's round table was sir cumference. he acquired his size from too much pi.

2. i thought i saw an eye doctor on an alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical aleutian.

3. she was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. a rubber band pistol was confirep001ed from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. the butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. no matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. a dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. a grenade thrown into a kitchen in france would result in linoleum blownapart.

9. two silk worms had a race. they ended up in a tie.

10. a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. the police are looking into it.

Permanent Damage

10-10-08, 04:40

What's the difference between a Soprano Opera Singer, and a Seamstress (female tailor)?One of then tucks between frills, the other fucks between trills.

Lost Yonder

10-10-08, 18:54

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies,"if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Sgt Perv

10-11-08, 11:52

A Lesson In Business Management

Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The bastard used coins!"

Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Permanent Damage

10-14-08, 05:13

What's the difference between a cunnilinguist, and a "Ritz"?

Permanent Damage

10-17-08, 06:22

What's the difference between a cunnilinguist, and a "Ritz"?One is a snack cracker, and the other a crack snacker!

Permanent Damage

10-17-08, 06:25

What is the difference between a tribe of pygmy headhunters, and a High School cheerleading squad?

Sgt Perv

10-19-08, 01:15

an old man goes into a drugstore to buy some viagra. 'can i have 6
> tablets,cut in quarters?'
>
> 'i can cut them for you' said the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not
> give you a full erection '
>
> 'i am 86,' said the old man. 'i don't want an erection. i just want it
> sticking out far enough so i don't [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134) on my slippers.'
>

Permanent Damage

10-20-08, 18:52

What is the difference between a tribe of pygmy headhunters, and a High School cheerleading squad?One group is a bunch of cunning runts, and the other is a bunch of running cunts.

Sgt Perv

10-29-08, 02:32

Arrested for laughing.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!

Sgt Perv

11-12-08, 12:17

Like the movies

My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.

So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.

She got mad.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

Eaglestar

11-26-08, 03:46

HERE is an interesting item:

A man bought a donkey from a farmer for
$100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the next day. The following day,
he drove up and said, "I am sorry son but the donkey is dead. I can't
give you your money back because I have spent it." The man said, "OK,
just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What are you going to
do with him?" The man replied, "I will raffle him off." "You can't
raffle off a dead donkey." "Sure, I can. I won't tell anyone he's dead."

They met a month later and the farmer asked, "What happened to the dead
donkey?" The man said, "I raffled him off at $2 a ticket, I sold 500
tickets and made a profit of $998." The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone
complain?" The man replied. "Only the guy who won so I gave him back his
$2."

The man now works as a consultant to Goldman Sachs.

Frankypanky

12-05-08, 20:24

In a perfect life, this would happen to me;

1. Your best friend is so often impotent that his wife is always looking for someone to quench her thirst.

2. The husband of your next door neighbour is so busy minting money that he has forgotten he has a wife and God sends you to do the needful.

3. Your cousin all of sudden develops into this voluptuous beauty that you can not take your eyes off her.

4. While in a car, you so often brush the breasts-thighs of your colleague-neighbour who has asked for a lift cause her own car broke down.

5. Your dick is always bigger than that of your neighbour’s husband. You ask her during sex and she confirms too.

6. The girl in question is always wet whether you have touched her hair or her breasts just before you touch her there. Some turn on your presence is.

7. The **** in question is either clean shaven or has a thick bush. It has never been shaved a week before.

8. Your neighbour never forgets to tell you that she has never had so much fun with anyone.

9. She seldom forgets to tell that she has not slept with anyone except her husband and you are the Greek God that has forced her to abandon her loyalty.

10. Like an X rated film, your GF-neighbour will always put your dick in her mouth first and then in her pussy. I wonder whether this sequence is ever going to change.

Sgt Perv

12-08-08, 18:39

True tech support call

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.

How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.

It just has '4X' on it. "At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Wanking

12-11-08, 19:32

Ha ha man after my own heart, just love his writing style.

http://www.plentyoffish.com/member4808013.htm

NicFrenchy

12-19-08, 04:24

The Indian Student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

NicFrenchy

12-19-08, 04:28

Honesty on the Internet

Sgt Perv

12-25-08, 22:10

A bad hunter. Someone who survives by consuming not food, but the stuff that food eats.

The vegetarian was forced to subsist on slower prey, such as the broccoli and carrot.

Dr X Man

12-31-08, 07:08

in september, 22-year-old natalie dylan (not her real name though her picture is all over the internet, go figure), a california grad student partnered with the moonlight bunny ranch in nevada to auction off her virginity to the highest bidder in order to pay for school to become, get this, a marriage and family therapist. speaking on the tyra banks show, dylan claimed the auction idea was mainly stemming from her commitment to feminist studies. dylan is writing her college thesis on "the dichotomous relationship between virginity and prostitution. " with bids as high as $3. 8-million (u. s.), i’d say virginity has the upper hand in the relationship. my only question is, considering there is no real way to prove a woman is still a virgin how is the winning bidder going to prove he isn’t buying used goods?

Eaglestar

01-15-09, 08:46

Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

NicFrenchy

01-21-09, 06:42

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple i! n bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair..

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this
guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of
time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells
! you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously
very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong,
honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't ! kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

Eaglestar

01-24-09, 03:10

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

1Ball

02-02-09, 18:21

Originally posted in Giotto's thread in Thaland.
too good for it to be seen only by Thai regulars..

http://www.internationalsexguide.info/forum/showpost.php?p=843115&postcount=2904

Gringoguy

03-02-09, 00:47

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

Marpa

03-21-09, 21:52

two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the bacardi breezers.

incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134), so they stopped in the cemetery.

one of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

after the girls did their business they proceeded to go home..

the next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'these girl nights have got to stop! i'm starting to suspect the worst.
my wife came home with no panties!!'

'that's nothing' said the other husband, 'mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..

'from all of us at the fire station.
we'll never forget you.''

LuvumBare

03-23-09, 15:19

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah... I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll certainly walk again, but… something unusual happened. I'm trying to break this gently... but the fact is, your penis was severed in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The patient gasps, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better, in fact! But the thing isn't cheap-- it's $1000 an inch."

The patient perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. For example, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off; but if you were nine inches before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over."

The patient agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says, "Well, have you spoken to your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And she's helped you in making the decision?"
"Yes, she has," the man says.
"And what is it?" the doctor asked.
"We're getting new granite counter tops."

UrbanWildlife

03-24-09, 05:59

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother

2. How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

3. What is the difference between a whor_ and a bitc_?

A whor_ sleeps with everybody at the party
A bitc_ sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

4. What is the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

5. What is the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

7. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

There is no one to talk to during orgasm.

8. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

He is a mechanic.

9. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

He is the guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

10. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

She is the one who can eat the last donut.

11. Can you define a Jewish dilemma?

Free PORK.

12. What are the three words men hate to hear most during sex:

"Are you in?"

13. What are the three words women hate to hear most during sex:

"Honey, I'm home!"

14. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

15. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

UrbanWildlife

03-24-09, 06:01

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I,
Shoulder.

4. * Texas *

My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

6. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

7. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

8. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

9. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

10.. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

11. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

12. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

13. *Budweiser*

That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

UrbanWildlife

03-24-09, 20:04

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're
out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'

UrbanWildlife

03-24-09, 20:07

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, low and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by a Mexican Customs Agent at the Tijuana border. "May I see your identification, por favor, señor?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy. "Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," said the agent. "But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other." "This I must see," replied the agent. With that, the American dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago, Senor." "Thanks!" he said."But why do you think I'm from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!

UrbanWildlife

03-28-09, 03:57

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference,

"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks! "

The German doctor stood up and said,

"Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks! "

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference,

"Well" he said "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours! "

UrbanWildlife

03-29-09, 19:22

Never ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma. ' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened! ? ' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND

Eaglestar

03-30-09, 07:28

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

4. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

12. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

13. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

20. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

21. Tact is the ability to tell him to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.

22. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

23. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

26. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

27. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.

28. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Eaglestar

03-30-09, 16:05

Male and Female Beetles

Eaglestar

04-12-09, 04:28

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. '
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

Really?' he said. And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name .'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

NicFrenchy

04-27-09, 06:48

Here are some interesting facts!
Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

NicFrenchy

04-30-09, 09:34

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.

The husband: " Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!"

NicFrenchy

04-30-09, 09:35

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.

Poucolouco

05-01-09, 15:16

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'. 'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

Mature Man

05-05-09, 11:24

An immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge for da hour, seester?' he asks.

'£10,' she replies.

In broken English he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you £20 to do Immigrant Style.'

'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

'I pay you £30.'

'No', she says.

'I pay you £50.'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay £100 to do Immigrant Style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.

I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after a long time they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.

But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'

The illegal immigrant replies 'You send bill to Government.'

Sgt Perv

05-12-09, 22:54

There are the best of friends.

Fuzimiao

05-13-09, 10:40

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh*t the bed !!'

Sam Yates

05-14-09, 02:13

Madam :

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore..

Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes,

I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Punjab.

I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long.

My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly.

I am playing hardly also.

Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller.
Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running.

Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.

I am ve! ry nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone.

I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft.

I am always giving respect to the ladies.

I am always allowing ladies to get on top.

That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits.

I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else.

Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything.

If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles
in the Jim.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open
for you.

I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only.

What to do ? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday! . That
is why I am pressing myself on you, so

that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you

very hard every day.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press
you
and press you until you come.

So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking
up
with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with
anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich,

born by mother in Okara and bec! ome big in Lahore, Punjab

Sgt Perv

05-14-09, 11:41

Divorce

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents!'

Ice Dragon

05-18-09, 15:36

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick...'

Ice Dragon

05-19-09, 10:39

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Chemist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Thesharkguy

05-21-09, 20:44

A plane is about to crash. A women stands up and says "If I am going to die I want to die feeling like a women" and removes all her clothes and says "Is there a man on this flight that can make me feel like a women". A man stands up and takes off his shirt and says "Here, iron this".

Sgt Perv

06-05-09, 20:26

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" The driver replies, "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

Lexb

06-16-09, 14:18

A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you.", to which the doctor replies "I know. I know." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it, " the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Eaglestar

06-28-09, 19:12

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
==============

7 Sex is the safest tranquillizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Gentleman Travel

06-29-09, 15:23

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
In addition to these benefits, I saw a post by an EE lady on LuckyLovers in which she went on to enumerate the benefits of oral sex - the nutrional and medicinal benefits of swallowing sperm and the cosemetic benefits of sperm on facial skin. That's the kind of attitude I like in EE women!!

Ice Dragon

07-02-09, 11:11

Manc girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.

"How many children? " asks the welfare officer?

"Ten" replies the Manc girl; "Ten? " says the welfare worker.

"What are their names? "

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing? "

"Naah." says the Manc girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready! '

Or 'Nathan go to bed now! ' and they all do it.

"What if you want to speak to one individually? " says the curious welfare worker.

"That's easy, " says the Manc girl. "I just use their surnames"

Sam Yates

07-17-09, 08:47

Priest lost his chicken and asked during mass:
"Anyone got a cock?" All men rose.
"I meant anyone seen a cock?" All women rose.
"I mean anyone seen my cock?" All nuns rose.

Ice Dragon

08-30-09, 00:39

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

Marpa

09-20-09, 19:35

LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

Frankypanky

10-26-09, 01:27

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range.

The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

Frankypanky

10-26-09, 16:12

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde .

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you say?"

Frankypanky

11-02-09, 19:02

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded".

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable".

Frankypanky

11-09-09, 21:57

we've all been there but don't like to admit it...
we've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *work [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116)* is inevitable. for those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a dump at work.

*crop dusting* when farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. be careful when you do this. do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*fly by* the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
walk in and check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. be careful not to become a *frequent flyer*. people may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*escapee* a fart that slips out while taking a [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134) or forcing a [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) in a stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not happen. if you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. no one likes an escapee. it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*jailbreak* when forcing a [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116), several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. this is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen, do not panic. remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*courtesy flush* the act of flushing the toilet the instant the [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) hits the water. this reduces the amount of air time the [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) has to stink up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the *walk of shame*.

*walk of shame* walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. this can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of the *courtesy flush*.

*out of the closet pooper* a colleague who [CodeWord115] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord115) at work and is doggone proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.(hehehe this is you!)

*safe havens* a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*turd burglar* someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) at work. if this occurs, remain in the stall until the *turd burglar* leaves. this way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*camo-cough* a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a *watermelon*, or to alert potential *turdburglar*. very effective when used in conjunction with a *shirley temple*.

*shirley temple* a subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *turd burglars*that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. if you hear a *shirley temple*, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) in peace.

*watermelon* a [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. this is also an arrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon coming on, create a diversion. see *camo-cough*.

some varieties of [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) you should be aware of:

*the king [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116)* = this kind is the kind of [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) that killed elvis. it doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* bali belly [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116)* = you [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) so much you lose 5 lbs.

*cement block* =you wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116).

*cork [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116)* = even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. how do i get rid of it? this [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) usually happens at someone else's house.

*the bungee [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116)* = the kind of [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

*the crippler* = the kind of [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*the chitty chitty bang bang* = the kind of [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*the party pooper* = the giant [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) you take at a party. and when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

now everyone try to go [CodeWord116] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord116) in peace

quit laughing... pooping is a natural process

Frankypanky

11-19-09, 22:47

The day before Thanksgiving, an elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Hell they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, the kids will be here for Thanksgiving."

Angus Magee

11-30-09, 17:47

Starts at about 2 mins.

Side splitting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zf7Zcoi4hyI&feature=related

AM

Frankypanky

12-04-09, 21:20

A teacher in a Chicago kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Chicago.

Frankypanky

12-18-09, 19:20

eileen and her husband bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

when asked what the problem was, eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. she went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

after a few minutes the therapist stepped away, eileen buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

the therapist turned to bob and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. can you do this?'

bob thought for a moment and replied, 'well, i can drop her off here on mondays and wednesdays, but on fridays, i play golf.

Ed Setra

12-22-09, 19:51

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne wont come on your face till your 13.

Ed Setra

12-22-09, 19:55

What did the priest say was the best thing about having sex with forty-nine year olds?

"There's 40 of them"

Jey001

12-23-09, 04:12

I want to present a couple of videos of Humorous Crazy Orgasms and gently ask all of u to apport any videos or stories you may have:

http://www.xxxclasstv.com/video/778/orgasmos-locos-orgasmo-en-bicicleta

http://www.xxxclasstv.com/video/779/orgasmos-locos-la-silla-orgásmica

Enjoy!

Westy

12-23-09, 05:29

Two years after I graduated from high school, I was invited (as a medieval re-enactor) to an Advent feast at an exclusive girls' college some hours from my home. I was surprised as all-get-out to meet up with a high-school classmate. And find out he was a student there, one of the first half-dozen guys who had been admitted to the school! So I asked him, what had happened to change the school from "ladies only" to co-ed? Here's his story. He told me this happened the year before the college accepted him:

The new freshman class were gathered in the biggest auditorium of the college for their "orientation program. " The dean of the school had the podium, and after a few minutes' describing the history of the school and its academic virtues she went into a long rant about "the evils of men. " She went on and on about the horrors of sex; about how men and their lustful urges were responsible for all the evils of the world; about the horrors of sex, and the shame that would follow these poor little frosh if they were seduced away from the straight-and-narrow.

She finished with a flourish: "The boys in this town are crafty and determined. They'll say anything, do anything, to dishonor you. But if you feel they're getting to you. Just ask yourself: Is one hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace?. Now, are there any questions? "

From the back of the auditorium came a reedy voice:

"How do you make it last an hour! "

(The new dean, after the funeral, announced that "next year we shall become co-educational. " And I still am envious of my classmate!)

Westy

12-24-09, 14:17

"You better come home right now," the businessman's wife said over the phone. "Timmy's birthday party just got raided by the Vice Squad."

"WHAT!" he exploded. "How in hell did that happen?"

"Remember how he wanted that 'Amber' to come and do tricks for the kids?"

"Yeah ..."

"She may have 'magic hands,' like her card said, but she sure as hell isn't a magician."

Frankypanky

12-25-09, 17:22

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ..

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

Dickhead

12-28-09, 04:51

City boy moves to rural Minnesota and buys a nice house with a shed. Pretty soon he realizes there are a lot of skunks living under the shed, and it's not a good situation. He goes to see the local animal control officer. The officer is familiar with the situation, and quite sympathetic. He tells the man to spread sardines and lutefisk under the shed and the skunks will go away. The man is very grateful, thanks him profusely, and leaves.

A few weeks later the man is back. "Did you spread the lutefisk and sardines?" inquires the officer. "Yes, I did," the man replies. "And the skunks didn't leave?" asks the officer, somewhat skeptically. "Oh yes; they left right away," the man replies. Puzzled, the officer asks, "Well, then what else can I help you with?"

The man says, "Now I need you to tell me how to get rid of all these Norwegians."

Dickhead

12-28-09, 05:07

Eighty year old Irish guy goes to the doctor for the first time in years. Doc asks him what prompted the visit. Irishman says, "Every morning at seven I have a big shit." The doctor is puzzled and says, "But that's a good thing, for a man your age to be regular. I don't understand what is the problem."

The Irishman says, "Well, for one thing, I don't normally rise until eight."

Puzzo

01-31-10, 08:06

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/breaking-news/lovers-fined-four-buffaloes-pig-for-affair/story-e6frf7jx-1225825196016

Puzzo

02-04-10, 23:31

a jewish couple, both well, go to a sex therapist's office. the doctor asks, 'what can i do for you? '

the man says, 'will you watch us having a sexual intercourse? '

the doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a couple is asking for a sexual advice that he agrees upon, so he asked them to carry on.

when the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse. '

he thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

the next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. the sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

this happens several weeks in a row.

the couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'i'm sorry, but i have to ask. just what are you trying to find out? '

the man says, 'we're not trying to find out anything.

she's married so we can't go to her house.

i'm married and we can't go to my house.

the holiday inn charges $98.

the hilton charges $139.

we do it here for $50, and i get $43 back from medicare insurance!

Puzzo

02-20-10, 06:47

Chinese sick leave

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss John says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great.

I be at work soon. You got nice house'

Puzzo

02-24-10, 08:18

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself. Virginity Test Kit. A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel. "

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor? "

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did C. ", you hit her with the Shovel."

Poucolouco

02-26-10, 15:19

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Puzzo

03-04-10, 21:32

Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. " The girl looked at him, then said, "NO. "

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. " She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened? "

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters! "

Management Lesson:

Always carefully consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

EDITOR'S NOTE: I would suggest that the author or another Forum Member consider posting a link to this report in the Reports of Distinction thread. Please Click Here (http://www.internationalsexguide.info/forum/announcement-reportsofdistinction.php) for more information.

Run Mann

03-07-10, 16:48

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-
looking bags.:D

Sincerely,

VA. Gina

Puzzo

03-17-10, 07:02

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish.

I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Liathain

03-23-10, 22:29

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:
"I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

Malabo

03-26-10, 04:44

What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?. Not

Being retarded

What's blue and f*cks old people?. Hypothermia

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered

Wives' shelter?. The dishes if she knows what's

Good for her

How do you swat 200 flies at one time?. Hit an Ethiopian in the

Face with a frying pan

What is the definition of "making love"?. Something a woman does

While a guy is f*cking her

What do 54, 000 abused woman every year have in common?. They don't

F*cking listen

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?. Gonorrhoea

Why did God create yeast infections? So women also know what it's like

To live with an irritating c*nt once in a while too.

How can you tell a macho woman?. She rolls her own tampons

Why do fags like ribbed condoms?. Better traction in the mud

What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? The sheep doesn't

Get upset if you screw her sister

What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson? Acne usually

Doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old

How do U-turn a fox into an elephant?. Marry it

What do you get when you cross two black people?. Your

Ass kicked

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker

Can wash her crack and sell it again

Why do men pay more for car insurance? Because women don't get blow

Jobs while they're driving

What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? Mayonnaise doesn't

Hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour

Why do women call it PMS?. Mad Cow Disease was already taken

What's a mixed feeling?. When you see your mother-in-law backing

Off a cliff in your new car

What's the height of conceit?. Having an orgasm and calling

Out your own name

What's the definition of macho?. Jogging home from your own vasectomy

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? The cake jumps

Out of the girl

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your

Day, anal sex makes your hole weak

How is pubic hair like parsley?. You push it to the side before

You start eating

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?. You know

She'll swallow

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same

Day in Iraq?. They don't want to wear out

The camel

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A

Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will

Actually search for a golf ball

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time

Do you know how Australians practice safe sex? They spray paint X's on

The back of the animals that kick

Why is divorce so expensive?. Because it's worth it.

Puzzo

04-08-10, 06:21

Kissing's a pleasure

Fucking's a game

Guys get all the pleasure

Girls get all the pain

He says he loves you, and you believe it's true

Until your belly starts to swell and he says hell with you.

10 minutes of pleasure, 9 months and pain

3 days in hospital, a child without a name

The baby's a bastard

The mother's a *****

This never would have happened if the rubber hadn't tore!

Frankypanky

04-12-10, 01:04

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF EXERCISE

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise,

but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric

content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and

proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent............................12 Calories
Without her consent..................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.........................8 Calories
With one hand..........................12 Calories
With your teeth.......................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection......................6 Calories
Without an erection...........3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary................................12 Calories
69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories
69 standing up.........................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories
Doggy Style.............................326 Calories
Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................112 Calories
Fake.................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..........................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately......................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:
20-29 years.........................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................80 Calories
40-49 years.......................124 Calories
50-59 years....................1,972 Calories
60-69 years....................7,916 Calories
70 and over............................... A Miracle

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.............................................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Malabo

04-14-10, 01:14

A successful Saskatchewan rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into Swift Current and kick up your heels. '

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, ' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots. ' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

Now take off my stockings. ' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt. ' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra. ' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired. '

I didn't see it coming, either!

Frankypanky

04-20-10, 19:08

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"

9. "Here's the beef!"

8. "Get a piece of the rock"

7. "You've come a long way, baby"

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"

4. "Tastes great, more filling"

3. "Viagra, built ram tough"

2. "Just do her"

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. "Any questions?"

Goyave

04-30-10, 17:35

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."

"How does it work?" asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."

The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop.

So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

Jan 156

05-13-10, 04:56

A woman goes to the antiques roadshow and puts a tampon on the table and says "there you go you clever c*nt, tell me wot period that's from!"

Eaglestar

05-24-10, 17:54

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:

"Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"

"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"

"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........

you know what's coming don't you ?

she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !! "

Groan Groan Groan

Wanking

06-08-10, 22:48

My girlfriend said she wanted something NINE inches long, HARD and
full of SPUNK..........so I gave her a sock from under my bed.

Wanking

06-08-10, 22:49

Hubby n wife out drivin, not talkin after a row. Passing a farm of
mules n pigs, hubby asks sarcastically, relatives of urs? Wife
replies, yup, fuckin inlaws

Wanking

06-08-10, 22:50

Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
1st little boy says alligator.
"Very good thats a big word"
2nd boy says predator.
"Yes thats another big word".
3rd boy says Vibarator miss!
After nearly falling off her chair, she says "That's a big word, but
it doesn't eat anything.!" 3rd boy says "Well my sister has one, and
she says it eats Batteries like fuck!"

Wanking

06-08-10, 22:51

The Annual Dinner for The Premature Ejaculation Society will be held
on friday night...

No dress code...

Just come in your pants...

Wanking

06-08-10, 22:52

Got an e-mail today from a "Bored local housewife 32, looking for some
action" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the lazy ***** busy.

Wanking

06-08-10, 23:03

Got caught having a wank in the newsagents this morning. Now its all
over the papers...

Wanking

06-08-10, 23:04

I got sacked last night from the salvation army soup kitchen.
Ungrateful fuckers. All i said was 'hurry up for fucks sake - some of
us have homes to go to'!

Wanking

06-08-10, 23:05

Fat wife trying to spice up her sex life,dresses up in lingerie and a
cape and rushes into the room shouting " SUPER PUSSY". husband says:
"ill have the soup !"

Marpa

06-25-10, 14:58

Johnny Falls in Love ...

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I’m in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly
that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly,......... "I’ll use a rubber!"

Eaglestar

07-02-10, 04:00

Another Rodney "Wanking" Daingerfield story

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I was afraid you were sitting on the cat.

Artisttyp

07-08-10, 05:28

some cheap bastard scrapes together $5 to get himself laid. he goes around the block a few times and finally finds some milf he can afford.

next day he wakes up to an immense itching sensation all over his body...."damn that b gave me crabs" he says to himself.

he goes back to complain to the milf and says "hey you gave me crabs!"

she responds " what do you want for $5... lobster? "

Frankypanky

07-08-10, 13:28

I went fishing this weekend, but after a short time I ran out of bait.
Then I saw a cotton-mouth water moccasin snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Frankypanky

07-09-10, 19:34

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!

Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: No....

Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Norfolkhobbyist

08-12-10, 20:34

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Puzzo

08-16-10, 07:40

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those, and I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up. Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:

All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

"Damn! " the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No, " the hooker replies, "but I would. If I had a pussy."

Member #3453

08-19-10, 15:16

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles, grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

Malabo

08-20-10, 06:06

A Mafia Godfather suspects his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. Enzo is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million,he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies. "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Wanking

10-04-10, 14:21

Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What...s wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"

Wanking

10-18-10, 23:00

I've just discovered Twitter..... It's the place between a hookers twat & her shitter

Puzzo

10-27-10, 07:35

The Perfect Wife

1. Of course I'll swallow it all; I love the taste!

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored; let's shave my pussy.

4. Oh, come on; let's get a porno, a case of beer, & invite Tammy over for a 3some!

5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm going to scream!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.

8. No, I'd rather stay here, watch football drink beer & suck your dick, than go shopping.

9. I signed up for yoga classes so I can get my ankles behind my head for you, honey.

10. You look tired; you should go right to bed as soon as you fuck me in the ass!

Malabo

10-27-10, 11:05

I've just discovered Twitter..... It's the place between a hookers twat & her shitterAlso called the place between the honey pot & the chocolate box.

Puzzo

10-29-10, 20:06

if you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered [CodeWord123] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord123) or shoplifting?

can you cry under water?

how important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

why do you have to "put your two cents in". but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?

once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

why does a round pizza come in a square box?

what disease did cured ham actually have?

how is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?

if a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

why are you in a movie, but you're on tv?

why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

why do doctors leave the room while you change?

they're going to see you naked anyway.

why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

if jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

if the professor on gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

why does goofy stand erect while pluto remains on all fours?

they're both dogs!

if wile e. coyote had enough money to buy all that acme crap, why didn' t he just buy dinner?

if corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

if electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?

why did you just try singing the two songs above?

why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Flaco7572

11-12-10, 07:22

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those F****** LESSONS I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You
should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. Mr. Adams was 35.

Turbo Pascal

11-12-10, 14:16

Once upon a time there was a king who had a beautiful daughter.
One day a young prince from a nearby kingdom came by for a visit.
That night, after everyone had gone to bed, the prince snuck out of his room and entered the princess' room. She said, "What are you doing in my room? Leave immediately or I will call my father!"

The Prince said, "Don't be frightened. I am not going to hurt you.

You are so beautiful. I just want to kiss you and hold you." He kissed
her lips and here and there and everywhere. Soon he had gone where no man had gone before. They were enthusiastically doing the nasty. After he finished, he rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "Wow! That was fun. Let's do it again."

He climbed back in the saddle for seconds. Then again rolled over and relaxed.

She said, "That was so good. We have to do it again."

He wasn't very enthusiastic, but he just managed to rise again to the occasion. He then rolled over and again tried to relax.

She said, "Come on, let's do it again."

The prince said, "Leave me alone or I will call your father."

Puzzo

11-14-10, 09:16

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in Front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner. "

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much? " She says, "One hundred dollars. " He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on, " and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty? " "A hand job, " Harry replied.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops a HUGE willy!

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back. "She runs back to Harry.

"What's wrong? " he asks

She says. "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks, dear?!"

Poucolouco

11-14-10, 20:47

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

Puzzo

11-19-10, 07:59

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs. Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "Wow, that's more than twice a week!. You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could really learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow every time.

Puzzo

11-20-10, 09:11

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart!

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 gallons of milk every day, and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter; I can carry 52 times my own weight, and that's why I am the greatest!!

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

Brymor

11-22-10, 21:07

Some of this humour is UK specific due to some of the slang words used

Wun Hung Lo Chinese Restaurant
Carry Out Menu

MEAT DISHES
1. Bol Oxs..................Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz.............Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor..................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5. Eja Kul Lait.............Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik.................Coq in van
8. Yu Nux...................Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin..............Massive extrusion of forcemeat

VEGETABLES
10. Wan Kin..................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof..................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat..........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik...................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread

SAUCES
18. Pei Sol..................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum...................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol...........Invisible brown sauce without nuts

SPECIALITIES
24. Lik Mein.................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu...................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo....................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee...................Pick of the week

DESSERTS
31. Vee Dee..................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong..................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots.................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik..................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee...................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum............Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.......Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak.............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere..................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong..................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice

Brymor

11-22-10, 21:36

I went to see my doctor today.
“You need to stop masturbating,” my doctor said.
I said “Why?”
My doctor replied, “Because I'm trying to examine you!”

Manicure

11-22-10, 22:09

With all the excitement, you do not want to start the day, the evening that way!

Brymor

11-24-10, 22:36

I always thought it was considered polite to open a door for a woman.
I opened a door for a woman today but she told me to "fuck off"
Mind you she was taking a shit at the time

Malabo

11-29-10, 05:54

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged.

Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news..

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin.

There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to
your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Symphony
Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't [CodeWord140] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord140) in your eye.'

Malabo

11-29-10, 05:56

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been? " his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you, " he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon. "

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf! "

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back? "

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time! "

The 3th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry, " she said, "stand in the corner. "

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you, " she said. "Pretend you're a statue. "

"What's this? " the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue. " she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too. "

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here, " he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing. "

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent. "

"One Cent? " the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine? "

"A nickel, " the barman replied.

"A nickel? " exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place? "

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife. "

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife? "

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here. "

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess. "

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No, " he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother! "

"I know, I know, " she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work. "

Malabo

11-29-10, 05:58

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take? " I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years, " my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years? "

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it? "

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

Puzzo

12-10-10, 07:42

A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

'What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before? '

'I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"

"Well I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Puzzo

12-12-10, 08:50

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen,"That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains,"I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen,"What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied,"Same problem, better health plan."

Puzzo

12-12-10, 08:53

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied,"All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked,"What are you thinking now?"

He replied,"It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Puzzo

12-16-10, 07:28

What if santa answered his mail.

Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xms. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy.

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a frigging book called a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa.
Dear Santa: I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is Peace and Joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

SantaDear Santa: I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my Mommy and Daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy.[/quote]
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's going to give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. You're getting Legos instead.

Santa
Dear Santa: I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G. I. Joe's, A dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis.
Dear Francis, Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay. Barbie dream house it is!

Santa
Dear Santa: I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan.
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs, and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa

Puzzo

12-16-10, 07:32

{quote]Dear Santa: What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas.[/quote]

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa.
Dear Santa: Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica.
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa.
Dear Santa: I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater. Again!

Santa.
Dearest Santa: We don't have a chimney in our house so how do you get in?

Love, Marky.
Mark, First, stop calling yourself 'Marky'! That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa