View Full Version : Jokes & Humorous Stories
Poucolouco
12-27-10, 19:31
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back twenty percent of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services. '
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation. If we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said,"He reminds me so much of you David". David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?"."No" says Elton. David asks "Is it his cute little nose?""No, it's not that" says Elton. David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes"."No" says Elton "He's got shit on his dick".
I can just imagine Elton Johns Kid saying his first words."This dummy taste like shit?"
Poucolouco
12-29-10, 19:02
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say."Okay, ma'am," said a voice."All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.
"You can board your flight now."
Fistmaster
01-05-11, 13:14
Five Swiss in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Austrian border. The.
Austrian Customs agent stops them and tells them:
"It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the.
Papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Austrian customs.
Agent."Quattro means 4!"
"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"
"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."
Poucolouco
01-07-11, 17:42
an american is having breakfast, in paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. the american ignores the frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
frenchman: "you american folk eat the whole bread?"
american (in a bad mood) : "of course."
frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble)"we don't. in france, we only eat what's inside. the crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." the frenchman has a smirk on his face.
the american listens in silence.
the frenchman persists: "do you eat jelly with the bread?"
american: "of course."
frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"we don't. in france we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."
after a moment of silence, the american then asks: "do you have sex in france?"
frenchman: "why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
american: "and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
frenchman: "we throw them away, of course."
american: "we don't. in america, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to france."
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November. '
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife? ', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good. She's pregnant. '
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand? '
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too. '
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really, ' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. '
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. '
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '
'No problem, ' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body, ' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
"Alright, alright". The father shouted.
'I'll do the fucking dishes!
Poucolouco
01-18-11, 22:44
The Maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Seņora, there are tree reasons why I want to increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did"
Wife increasingly agitated:
"Oh he did did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Seņora. The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?
A beautiful young girl comes home and says,"Ma, I got married."
Her mother says,"Oy, that's great."
She says,"But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says,"Oy, that's not so great." She says,"But, Ma, he's an arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says,"Ma, I love my Arab Sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass day and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime. Now, it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says,"So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed. Naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said,"It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Poucolouco
01-26-11, 04:10
A dog lover, whose dog was in heat, agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.
But, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain,
And unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the veterinarian, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the veterinarian said,
'Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection.
He'll then be able to withdraw. '
She asked, 'Do you think that will work? '
'It just worked for me, ' he replied.
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Poucolouco
02-11-11, 21:16
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too Much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when
It bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
Member #4171
02-12-11, 17:16
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind? '
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with.
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don't knowJackShit? Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit The couple had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers in a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an italian bride. Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don't know JackShit! Keep this shit going!
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his manhood.
He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been messing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand.
The doctor examines him and says,"You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies,"Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says,"I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers,"Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods,"That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
Poucolouco
03-10-11, 16:36
He left home about 8:30 a. M. To play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came & went. 3:00 passed. 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. Then we drank a couple more beers and had sex again. And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me you asshole; you played 36 holes, didn't you?
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies,"Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says,"I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says,"Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks,"If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says."For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
I was always in trouble as a kid. I used to hate the feeling of my dad's belt buckle smacking against my arse cheeks, especially as he was still wearing it.
Poucolouco
05-10-11, 18:16
A woman had been in a coma for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma. '
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close The curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened! ' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked. '
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
WalkingKool
06-05-11, 18:56
1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
Poucolouco
07-03-11, 02:42
This video provides elemental Spanish for communicating with your Latina Nanny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fda4_wo6JI
1) If I have to sack it, I'd rather whack it.
2) You could cum in a bag, or just fuck a hag.
3) You might as well punt if you can't jizz in her kunt.
4) You could fuck with a rubber or just fuck some blubber.
5) (for Spanish-speakers only) If you must use a forro you might need some porro.
A beautiful, blonde young lady about 21 went to a doctor and.
Asked for a check-up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a.
Thermometer for the check-up. So the doctor asked her,"Where shall I.
Put the thermometer?"
The girl replied,". Uh. Not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay. Let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?"
The girl queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the girls butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed,"that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied,"That's okay dear. It's not the thermometer,
Either."
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:22
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."
She said,"Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."
Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said,"You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes, it is. 8 pounds. 7 ounces. 19 inches long."
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:23
A nun gets on an empty bus except for the driver. She says I'm going to die soon but I want to have sex before I do but I must remain a virgin so it must be anal and I can't commit adultery so the man must be single. Can you help me fufil my wish? Yes says the driver and fufils her wish. Then feeling guilty, he says " I'm sorry I lied, I'm married with 3 kids"."Thats ok" said the nun. My name is kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:24
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
Attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there. '. And
Indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
Wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
To send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
Nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
The gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
Garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
In return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
To deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
My several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a
10, 000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back. '
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:25
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me? ' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. '
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? '
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. '
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. '
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:28
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge? '
Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job. '
The guy says, '$500 dollars? For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money! '
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner? '
'Yes. '
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down? '
'Yes. '
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's? '
'Yes. '
'Well, ' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500. '
The guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try. '
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000? '
The hooker replies, '$1,500. '
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job! '
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500. '
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up. '
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy? '
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces? '
'Damn! ' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city? '
'No, ' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy. '
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:29
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband.
Came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now
Has company.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Man: "Yes it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Man:"That's nice"
Boy:"Want to buy it"
Man:"No thanks"
Boy:"My dad's outside"
Man:"OK, how much?"
Boy:"$250"
In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy & mom's lover are in.
The closet together.
Boy:"Dark in here"
Man:"Yes it is"
Boy:"I have a baseball glove"
Man:"How much?"
Boy:"$750"
Man:"Fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab your glove, let's go
Outside and toss the baseball." The son says "I can't I sold them." The.
Father asks "How much did you sell it for?" The son says "1000" The father.
Says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way
More than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and have.
You confess." They go to the church and the father alerts the priest and.
Makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says "Dark in here"
The priest says "Don't start that * again"
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:29
The doctor said,"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought,"That's what I need. A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman,"I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,"Let's see. Size 44 long."
Joe laughed,"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said,"Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,"Let's see. 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised,"That's right, how did you know?
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said,"Sure."
The salesman said,"Let's see. Size 36."
Joe laughed,"Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size.
34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head,"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:31
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have.
A last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her.
Manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in.
Each bed.
These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.
They won't know the difference. '
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take.
Care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, I think my girl was dead! '
'dead? ', says his friend, 'why do you say that?
'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her. '
His friend says, 'could be worse I think mine was a witch. '
'a witch? ' why the hell would you say that? '
'well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her.
A little bite, then she farted, flew out the window and took my teeth with.
Her! '
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:33
a couple of women were playing golf one sunny saturday morning. the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
the woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. she said,"please allow me to help. i'm a physical therapist and i know i could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"ummph, oooh, nnooo, i'll be all right. i'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
but she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. she gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. she began to massage him.
she then asked him,"how does that feel?"
to which he replied,"it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:34
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
Began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said,"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:36
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man."I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball. Stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?", asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!"
IndoAussie
07-13-11, 08:36
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic,"You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says,"I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids."
It may either be a sign of too many chat-mates, or my growing senility, but here are my top 10 most embarrassing chat-mate moments.
No 10."Don't you remember, last time you gave me some lovely ear-rings pasalubong; it was not Cadbury's chocolate."
No 9."How many times do I have to tell you, my name is Annalyn, not Annabelle."
No 8."I thought you said you arrived yesterday. How come your ticket over there says you arrived 4 days ago?"
No 7."No, we have never been to this restaurant before. I don't like Japanese food."
No 6."Any reason why there is this damp spot here on my side of the bed?"
No 5."You don't remember! We slept together two years ago! My profile name then was Jasmine."
No 4."Why are there long strands of black hair on the floor of your shower?"
No 3."In your mobile phone why am I listed as CEB Dia 21 Marilou2 virg?"
No 2."There is a (sanitary) pad in your waste-basket. So you have the mens at the moment?"
No 1. (In the bedroom)"Oh didn't I tell you before, I'm bakla (a ladyboy)"
....Hold your nose and spit in her mouth.
Dad buys a Lie Detector Robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner."Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!"
"What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
Robot then slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son."
Robot then slaps Mom!
Poucolouco
09-18-11, 02:45
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Meld, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn? '
'Yes, ' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale. '
Streetlooker
10-01-11, 06:30
A man was jogging on the beach one day when he ran past a crying women with no arms and no legs. He stopped and asked her why she was crying and she said she never been hugged before and would he hug her? So he picked her up and gave her a hug and continued on his jog. The next day he runs past the same women and she's crying again he stops and says Now why are you crying and she said she's never been kissed before and could he kiss her so he picked her up and gave her a nice long kiss and continued on his jog. The next day he jogs past the same women again and she's crying again so he asked her Now whats wrong? She said I never been fucked before and if he could please help her so he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says There NOW YOUR FUCKED!
AMERICAN STYLE.
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque.
Being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every.
American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an.
Effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to.
The mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We.
Could call one of the clubs,"The Turban Cowboy", which would be gay,
And the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and.
Adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq.
O'Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria.
Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the.
Goods. Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called.
"Mo'hammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance.
They demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. After all, tolerance is a two way street.
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
a man has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.
first thing monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front of him. he sees that it is a woman, and as he catches up to her on a par 3, he notices that she's very.
attractive. he's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. she agrees and a very close match ensues. it turns out that she is also a very talented golfer, and she wins their little.
competition on the last hole. he congratulates her in the car parking lot then offers to give her a lift after seeing she doesn't have a car.
all in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. on the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course.
for a long time. 'in fact, ' she says, 'if you like, why don't you pull the car over so i can show you how much i appreciate everything. ' he pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation.
the next morning he notices her on the first tee and suggests they play together again. he's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. again, they have a.
magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight competitive round of golf. again, she beats him at the last hole, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.
this goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. this is a sore point for his male ego, but nonetheless, in the car going home from their friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had.
such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. he doesn't understand why she's crying, but eventually she admits the reason. 'you see, ' she tearfully sobs, 'i'm a transvestite. i'm sorry. '
he is aghast! he swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
'i'm sorry, i'm sorry, ' she cries.
'you bastard, ' he screams, red in the face, 'you cheating bastard. you've been playing from the ladies' tee all week! '
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes.
Across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says,"Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself,"Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he.
Did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says,"I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
It's great! I hit under par every time."
I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says,"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,"Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers,"What? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
Great Pubs.
Y'know" said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman,"at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman."Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid; all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims.
But he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman,"did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman."But it did happen to me sister."
An Irishman is walking through Dublin and sees a sign that says,"Trips to New York $50 US." So he opens the door, walks inside, and someone hits him upside the head with a brick. When he wakes up he is handcuffed to a life raft floating across the Atlantic. He has a terrible headache and a terrible sunburn. Regaining consciousness, he looks around and sees seven other Micks similarly handcuffed to the raft. Organizing his priorities, he says,"Are they at least going to serve any drinks on this cruise?"
The Mick next to him says,"Well, they didn't last year!"
Poucolouco
10-29-11, 00:35
Cowboy: "GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE."
Cashier: "DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?"
Cowboy: "NAH. SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!"
Harlem Blade
12-23-11, 15:14
Three guys walk into a bar.
Ouch!
Poucolouco
12-28-11, 19:47
Cristy recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes
Home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
Table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking
To him."You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
Insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes
Then said,"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with
The insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
Ashes she said,"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
With the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,"Remember that
Blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."
Mr Enternational
01-27-12, 17:44
From cracked.
http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_92_the-sex-ed-lessons-you-wish-theyd-taught-you_p14/#14
She's single.
She lives right across the road.
I can see her house from my window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked straight up my driveway.
She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said,
'I just got home, and I am very horny! I need to have some fun,
Get drunk, and make love for hours! Are you staying home tonight? '
I immediately replied, 'Yes, I have no plans at all! '
Then she said, 'That's good! In that case, could you look after my dog?"
MAN. IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!
This does not work for the 4 second or minute problem.
What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?
Roy walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.
Roy said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.
Roy then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it. '
The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister. '
When she returned, she said,"We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:
1/3 ownership in the store,
A company pickup truck,
A king size bed and.
$3, 000 a month in living expenses
Gentleman Travel
02-15-12, 17:08
What we really want!
Angus Magee
02-15-12, 17:38
What we really want!In fact March 14th has been designated as a new holiday-Steak and a Blow Job Day.
http://www.steakandbjday.com/
Unfortunately (and typically) it is taking a while to catch on with the ladies.
AM
Poucolouco
03-17-12, 00:47
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big
Bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers,
And drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her
Knickers off and says
'This is for the flowers! '
'Don't be silly, ' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere! '
NicFrenchy
04-13-12, 12:42
A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.
The pickle said to the cucumber, 'I got it bad man, every time I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar. '
The cucumber said to the pickle, 'Well every time I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad. '
The penis walks by and overhears them and says, 'I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up. '
A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself.
And asks,"May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," Maxine replies,"alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied,"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out for you"
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began. Her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F. You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Here's a new on me.
Sea-Gulling - The act of masturbating and then shooting your load onto the street, possibly on top of unknowing pedestrians, best when done from high above.
A new one, even on me!
Taken from a Dutch escort site. Where else? :)
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it? ' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do. '
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work, ' says Maureen.
'Why? ' he asks. 'What's the matter? '
'Well, ' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me! '
'No problem, ' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well, ' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow. '
'No problem, ' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows thicker and thicker until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow! ' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good? '
'I hate to say it, ' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you? '
'It was horrible, ' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears. '
You know the other day. I bought a DVD about Tiger Wood's best 18 holes, and pissed me off because it was about golf.
Gentleman Travel
06-22-12, 20:40
A Greek, an Italian, an Irishman and a German go into a bar.
The German picks up the tab for all of them.
It ceased being funny long ago.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car
Wolvenvacht
06-23-12, 07:31
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and carAnd you know why they are now named after men?
Then they will not make it past the Virgin Islands.
You know the other day. I bought a DVD about Tiger Wood's best 18 holes, and pissed me off because it was about golf.Should have gotten the one about his 18 Hos.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
If you ever find a woman who is smart, intelligent, get things done on her own, drives a car well,
Has no expectation, is not materialistic and loves you like you are the last man on earth no matter how ever badly you treat her.
Please understand that the weed you have smoked is of the highest quality.
The missus left a note on the telly for me "Its not working, I'm leaving"
I plugged it in, turned it on, *ing nothing wrong with it.
The phone rang last night and I told the missus to answer.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says,"I bet you have a tight arse-hole with no hair."
She kindly replies,"Yes, he's watching TV. Who shall I say is calling?
My missus asked me if I had any fantasies.
I said,"I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met."
She said,"What, and you pick me up in some bar?"
I said,"No. Just the first bit."
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men; one Italian woman.
Two French men; one French woman.
Two German men; one German woman.
Two Greek men; one Greek woman.
Two English men; one English woman.
Two Bulgarian men; one Bulgarian woman.
Two Japanese men; one Japanese woman.
Two Chinese men; one Chinese woman.
Two American men; one American woman.
Two Irish men; one Irish woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,
The following things occurred:
1. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
2. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in menage-a-trois.
3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman;
4. The two Greek men are sleeping and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
5. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
6. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
7. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy / liquor store / restaurant / laundry and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
9. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do and how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
10. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Always learn new stuff!
Longest Nerve In The Body!
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!
Keep laughing. Life is too short to take too seriously.
Have a Nice Day. Sorry I have other fuckin plans. Muddacunts
A Scotsman just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked.
"Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'.
"No" he replied "that was Gary Glitter".
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
The hardest part about starting a relationship is learning how to fart silently again.
The only thing famous to come out of Brazil is Pele and the way women shave their fannys.
London looked great tonight for the closing ceremony. All flames and smoke.
Just like last year
I haven`t been the same since my wife left me.
I used to be a right miserable cu*t.
In Dubai you can`t kiss, hold hands or have sex in a public place.
That me and the wife's next holiday sorted then.
Italian-Russian relationships.
Anne Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vagina gel that women can rub on their flaps! So now when the guy goes down he can have a bevvy as well!
However, anti-drink campaigner's want it banned amid fears of 24 hr minge drinking.
Poucolouco
09-05-12, 00:59
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says,"How you doing?"
"Paddy says,"Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me
Slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
Lying on the bed.
He says,"Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say,"Get away with ya. Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs,"Paddy, both of them?"
Paddy shouts back,"Of course both of them, what's the point of fuckin one?"
Poucolouco
10-31-12, 16:20
Perhaps America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too. Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism. Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman. Those Canadians always find the solution! Must be the pure water up there in the North!
Clydesdale
11-02-12, 21:45
More and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. '
Clydesdale
11-02-12, 21:46
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife,"My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says,"Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says,"Clumsy *****."
Clydesdale
11-02-12, 21:47
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle.
One woman sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it.
"That's nice, isn't it?" She said waving her arm under her friend's nose."Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
A clerk offered some help."Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me. '"
The woman took another sniff."That doesn't smell like cum to me".
Deciding whether to come out of the closet or not was the toughest choice I've ever had to make. I was busting for a [CodeWord140] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord140) but my daughter hadn't finished masturbating
"What the hell is going on here?" I shouted as I walked into my sons bedroom."Look at the fucking state of it!" "Oh come on dad." he replied,"She's not that bad."
Best thing about a prostitute dying on you is that the second hour will be free.
Santa Claus will not be visiting Stoke Mandeville Hospital this year."The thought of another white haired man emptying his sack on the childrens ward is too much" said one nurse.
After strangulation which organ inside the female body remains warm after death?
My cock
What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I came home from the pub really drunk last night. As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa my wife looked at me and said,"Can't you just go out and have a couple of drinks?" "Of course I can," I replied, standing back up,"Just let me get my coat."
I asked my wife for a blow job for my birthday but she just put 20 pound in a card. Surley she knows the going rate for one is 30.
my girlfriend told me the best sex she has ever had was when i dressed up wearing a balaclava and then tied her up. she then continued, telling me it really turned her on when i raped her in our bedroom and then casually left without saying a single word the whole time. i looked at her slightly bemused and said,"i have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
" Could you explain to me why I woke up this morning with a cucumber up my arse?" My wife screamed." Could you explain to me," I yelled back," Why you didn't wake up when I put it there?"
"You're a MILF."
"What the hell is a MILF?"
"It means you're a mum I'd like to fuck."
"Please stop calling me that."
"Ok, mum."
How the teacher laughed when I told him I wanted to be a cardiologist when I grew up. He won't be laughing now when he opens his chicken nuggets to find there's no dip in with them.
When my wife found out she had breast cancer I handed her a box of tissues. She said,"I'm not going to cry." I said,"I know, you'll need them for padding."
I waited until we were alone in the church before approaching him."Father?" I said, causing him to turn and look at me."I'm sure you won't remember me Father, but 20 years ago I was one of the altar boys you brutally abused." I could see immediate panic and shame in his eyes as he struggled to find words,"I. I don't know." "Save it Father," I said unbuckling my trousers,"It's payback time." "Please. No." He pleaded."On your knees Father," I commanded,"or I go to the authorities and you'll be ruined." As he slowly sunk to the floor in resignation, I felt a satisfied grin forming on my face. I'd never met the old **** before, but I've found it's an almost sure fire way of getting a free blowjob.
Sunday night is role play night for me and the wife "Let's pretend we're strangers" she suggested."Sounds good" I agreed."Hey there, handsome" she purred."Fancy coming back to mine?"."Eurgh. No thanks".
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked,"What do you want to talk about?"
He said,"Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said,"What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating the priest replied,"You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is really starting to ache, the priest replied.
Paddy says to Mick. I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do.
It a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to.
Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks. So what are you going to do this year."
Paddy replies,. I'll take her with me!"
I just don't get my girlfriend sometimes. She never wants anal because my cock hurts so much. But you should see the size of this shit she's left down the toilet.
I'd barely know this girl for half an hour and I was deep inside of her. I started playing around, moving it further inside of her. I finally heard her moan and she gripped me tightly. I pulled out as fast as I could and started playing with it over her face until the goo and juices dripped onto her. And that's how I lost my job at the abortion clinic.
I hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like: "I'm on my period." "I've got a headache." Or "Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you."
This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.
Looks aren't everything, but you can't wank over personality.
I texted my boss,"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered,"I don't know." I replied,"I'm not coming in this morning."
A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks,"You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum. I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned."Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says,"I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today. This is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint!. But I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out. I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him they estimate the trial could last 30 days.
Jimmy Savile Putting the 'semen' back into amusement since 1926.
I'm beginning to think my youngest son is gay, even his sister put up more of a struggle than he did.
My wife and I took our daughter to the doctors today, after noticing that the rash around her vagina was getting worse."She had the same problem this time last year," said my wife."What could it possibly be?" "It looks like a rash caused by the rubbing of hair on the skin," replied the doctor."But she doesn't have any hair," I said, stroking my Movember goatee.
A redneck walks into a bar and orders a drink."Anything else I can get you, handsome," asks the waitress. 'Well ma'am, I could sure use a nice piece of ass," replies the redneck. She nods and takes him into the back room where they both fuck like rabbits."Now, is there anything else I can get for you," says the waitress."Thank you kindly ma'am, I could still use that piece of ass 'because mah drink is gettin' mighty warm," says the redneck.
Gays and lesbians getting married? Haven't they suffered enough?
I was showing this really pretty American girl the ropes at the office."Oh," she said in the morning."Shall we take the elevator?" "It's a LIFT," I said. At lunchtime she said,"Are we going to the refectory?" "It's a CANTEEN," I said. At the end of the day I was feeling lucky so I said,"How about you and me spending a couple of hours at the pictures then going back to my place and sitting on the sofa with a bottle of wine?" "O. K," she giggled."But all that sitting down with you may end up with me getting a sore fanny!" "It's an ARS." I began.". Oh forget it, either is fine with me."
Turns out Jimmy Savile turned down sex with Katie Price when she was eight. He hated standing in queues.
I was having sex with the local slag last night."Any chance I can put it the other hole?" "No way!" she replied."Ok then," I said, continuing to do her up the arse.
A middle-aged woman was sitting on her towel at the beach when this rather good-looking guy arrived and sat down on his towel near to her.
He took out a book and started reading it oblivious to her presence.
She asked him several questions and he either ignored her or grunted a reply.
Finally, she said "Do you like pussy cats?"
He rolled his eyes, put down his book, slid onto her towel, ripped off her bikini and proceeded to make wild, frantic love to her.
When the dust settled and she got her breath back she said "Why didn't you tell me earlier you wanted sex?"
He replied: "How did you know my name was Katz?"
I walked into the bedroom and my wife was putting her bra on in front of our 13 year old son."That's disgusting," I said,"You shouldn't be doing that in front of him." "Don't be silly," she replied,"He's my son, besides, you said your mother did it in front of you." I said,"She did, but my mother had nice tits."
I walked into the bedroom and my wife was putting her bra on in front of our 13 year old son."That's disgusting," I said,"You shouldn't be doing that in front of him." "Don't be silly," she replied,"He's my son, besides, you said your mother did it in front of you." I said,"She did, but my mother had nice tits."
The last sexual partner I had was a bit of a dog. I found it in a bin round the back of the vet's.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there. If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
q: what is the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy?
a: putting the [CodeWord132] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord132) back on.
q: what do you get when you cross a méxican with a mormon?
a: a basement full of stolen canned goods.
q: what is the difference between a sorority girl and a washing machine?
a: a washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.
q: what is the best thing about being a redneck?
a: you can drive your mom and your sister to school and you only have a two seater car.
q: what is the difference between a ferrari and ten dead prostitutes?
a: i don't have a ferrari in my garage.
My wife said to me."How come I can always smell the scent of another woman on your clothes?" "Because I'm a fishmonger you stupid ****."
Apparently,"hiring a babysitter to enhance our sex life" means something completely different to my wife.
My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat cock into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck, deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. Dick!
Clydesdale
11-21-12, 05:22
A chick out golfing runs up to the groundskeeper and says "you have to do something about the bees around here, I just got stung between the fist and second holes."
"Your stance is too wide he replied."
Tim the tramp walks into a bar with the biggest smile on his face the barman had ever seen. So, the barman walks up to him, and says 'Tim, mate. Why're you so happy? No offence, but you're not exactly the most well off bloke I've ever met? ' to which Tim replies 'You would not Believe my luck last night mate. You know I live down by the train tracks? Well last night, I heard this loud scream, so I took a wander. And, to My astonishment, I found this absolute BEAUTY tied to the tracks. So, I untied her, and she let me take Her back to my shack! She let me do everything! Shove things in her, anal, you name it! ' The barman says,
'Did you do oral?'
to which Tim replies with 'Nah mate, never found the head. '
I was at the local swimming centre when I saw a couple having sex in the pool. I walked over to the lifeguard and said,"Aren't you going to do anything?" He said,"I might have a wank if you fuck off."
I'm dating a beautiful, smart, funny girl but there is one problem, she has the same name as my mum. It means every time I fuck her I'll be thinking of my girlfriend.
I went to hospital with a toilet brush up my arse. The doctor said,"How did this happen?" I said,"Well I met this bird in a club, one thing led to another and we ended up back at mine." He said,"Into the kinky stuff was she?" I said,"No. My wife was home".
My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs."Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies." "Ugh, is that what mum's is like?" "You tell me," I replied,"you were the last one near it."
I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over: "Anything I can do for you?" She purred."Yeah" I said,"get your tits out." "Ooh. You like my titties do ya?" She giggled."No love" I said,"they're dangling in my curry."
I was sat in a restaurant last night when this drunk old tart came over: "Anything I can do for you?" She purred."Yeah" I said,"get your tits out." "Ooh. You like my titties do ya?" She giggled."No love" I said,"they're dangling in my curry."Good ones "Wanking". Enjoying your sense of humor.
Cheers!
A homeless woman offered me sex for money on my way into McDonalds so she could buy some food. On the way out I handed her a bag and said,"There you go." She took one look in it and said,"There's nothing in it!" "I know," I replied,"If we're going to do this I'll need you to wear that."
My wife came home to find me watching TV. Words like 'SPLAT', 'BONK' and 'KERSPLURGE' were on the screen."Cool. Are you watching Batman?" she asked."No" I replied."Porn with subtitles".
Clydesdale
11-27-12, 23:37
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Geez Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who? '" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said,"Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
Clydesdale
11-27-12, 23:41
A man and a little boy were walking into the woods. As they got further and further the little boy got more and more frightened and started to cry.
The man said to him."What are you crying about? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"
Clydesdale
11-27-12, 23:48
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says,"Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Clydesdale
11-27-12, 23:50
Sandy was drinking at a bar all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So he crawled all the way home. When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting,"So, you've been out drinking as usual!" "Why would you say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the bar called and you left your wheelchair there again!"
I've always wondered why old ladies' knickers are much larger than younger womens' knickers. Then I realised they need somewhere to store their tits too.
Grandma and Ma are retired hookers and little Daisy is currently in the business. Daisy comes home and says, 'I gave two blow jobs! ' Mom asks, 'How much do you get for a blow job these days? ' and Daisy says, 'Fifty dollars. ' 'Fifty dollars! ' exclaims Mom. 'Why, in my day, we were lucky to get twenty dollars. ' Grandma says, 'In my day we were lucky just to have something warm in our stomachs. '
i was talking to my mate kev in the pub. * i said,"i've just got a tattoo of my wife's face right across my arse". * kev said,"wow, you must really love her?"* i said,"not really. it's likely i'll be going to prison tomorrow and i'm hoping it'll put the [CodeWord127] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord127) off".
I phoned up my local newspaper today to place a lonley heart ad. When the guy answered he said,"What would you like me to print as your ad?" I said,"Short chubby guy seeks tall blonde, large breasted females for strictly sex, no strings attached." "I doubt that you're going to get many replies from that," the guy laughed."You're right," I replied."Add brunettes to it as well."
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W. A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50, 000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me. '
But the roaring flames held the fire fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100, 000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal fire fighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal fire fighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200, 000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal fire fighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money? '
'Well, ' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de furst ting we going to do is fix dem brakes on that phukin' fire truck! '
One hot summer day, Boonga the indigenous Aussie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked,"Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"
Boonga called out," It's mine, mate."
"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said.
Boonga replied,"No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree."
The cop said,"No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Boonga."That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed 'er this mornin'."
The exasperated cop said,"NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"
Boonga looked at the cop and said,"Well, go ahead mate. I always wanted a police dog."
Frozen Crabs & The Blonde Stewardess.
A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
I was f*cking my best mate's wife last night and she straddled my face and squirted!
There's no punch line, I just want to tell as many people as possible!
Time is the greatest healer.
Unless you were molested by Jimmy Saville 40 years ago, then the solution appears to be money!
Clydesdale
12-06-12, 23:47
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
'What a coincidence! ' exclamimed the woman. 'My boyfriend just left me for the same reason. '
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
'Where are you going? ' she asked. 'I thought you were kinky. '
'I am, ' he replied. 'I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I'm off home now. '
My mate invited me round to his to watch the match and have a few beers. As soon as I got in the door, he said,"Make yourself at home." So I punched his wife.
The wife walked in on me just as I shot my load over the bedroom carpet."For fuck sake" she moaned."Couldn't you do that into a bucket or something?" "I could," I said."But you keep claiming you have a headache."
After both suffering depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday, but strangely enough once she jumped off the cliff I felt a lot better. So I thought damn it, I'll soldier on.
Clydesdale
12-14-12, 04:33
My ex girlfriend liked it in the ear. This is true. Because whenever I tried to stick it in her mouth, she turned her head
Clydesdale
12-14-12, 04:34
A man walks into a crowded bar pointing a gun around.
"Which one of you bastards has been sleeping with my wife?" He shouts.
A voice from the back of the bar replies.
"I don't think you brought enough ammo."
I answered the door in my boxers to the deliveryman this morning. As soon as the door swung open, I looked down and realised I had a hard-on. Thankfully he didn't notice and handed me the penis enlarger I ordered.
The Hobbit, the only time it's quicker to read the book than watch the film.
Just had sex even though I had a headache. Did you hear that Ladies? Nobody died.
A bank robber walks into a bank fires one round off and blares out "Alright everyone on the floor eyes down don't fucking look up don't look at me." A man sticks his head up and the bank robber lets him have it Bang! "Anyone else look up at me hey, hey hey" the robber says! A man puts his hand up without putting his head up. The robber goes what? What? He say "I think my wife did!"
Who's the only fifteen and a half stone black man to ride and English Derby winner?
Lester piggott's cell mate!
A bloke walks into a bar a handgun in his hand. "Who here has been sleeping with my wife?" A voice in the crowd replys."Go home mate ya haven't got enough bullets".
AussieGaigin
12-17-12, 06:44
a muslim was sitting next to paddy on a plane.
paddy ordered a whisky.
the stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink. he replied in disgust "i'd rather be raped by a dozen working girls than let liquor touch my lips!"
paddy handed his drink back and said "me too, i didn't know we had a choice!"
Clydesdale
12-18-12, 05:55
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said,"It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have run. But you don't get offers like that every day.
What's the difference between a husky and a chihuahua?
One is a sledge's dog, and the other is a slutt's dog.
I've started a new dating agency for single parents with disabled kids. It's called Meet and Two Veg.
As an unemployed paedophile I don't know where to send my C. V? The Vatican or the BBC?
Whenever I have sex with a woman I feel like a superhero.
Usually because I'm wearing a mask
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me."Well?" she said,"I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?" I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean."The beach has lost a stone." I said,"can you see a difference?"
I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Jesus. I go to the pub for one pint of bitter, and I come back home to find fifteen stone of bitter.
Can you imagine a world with no sex? A world where you have to do everything for yourself? Where everything you say results in tears and arguing? And in that world you had to pretend to be delighted? Well that world exists. Just get your wife pregnant.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back.
And says,"Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer.
Of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says,"Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull.
Out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says,"Go ahead!"
I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8. 00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night. I fucking hate prison.
The original Tarzan used to roam the jungles completely naked. One day he runs into a clearing where an elephant is feeding, the elephant looks up his ears go wide out. The elephant say to Tarzan."How do ya feed yourself with that?"
What is green and smells like Lindsay Lohan's cu#t? Lindsay Lohan's cu#t!!
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend.
Why don't Catholics use condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.
Clydesdale
01-08-13, 02:25
I arrived home from work and my wifestarted punching and kicking me."How could you?" she screamed."How fucking could you? You've fucked my sister you bastard!"
"I'm sorry," I confessed."I got to work and she was lying there. Naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"
"The fucking autopsy!" she cried.
The only thing that the Internal Revenue has not taxed yet is the male organ.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
10% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off.
And 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents, and
They are both nuts
My first day in prison and two big guys said they're going to come by my cell later tonight and knock my back doors in.
What nice chaps going to all that trouble, helping me escape.
Clydesdale
01-13-13, 18:52
While sitting behind a woman on a bus, I said "Excuse me, but it seems you have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said,"It's probably yogurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said,"I don't ejaculate yogurt."
What smells like Lindsay Lohan's cu#t? Lindsay Lohan's cu#t!!Or maybe her Arsch!
Or maybe her Arsch!LOL das my dream in that pic!
The French have claimed they printed pics of Kate Middleton topless because England sent them Joey Barton. It was just a case of Tit for T_wat.
Before me and the missus had sex she said,"If U-turn off the light, you can shove it up my a*se."
With hindsight, I probably should have waited until the bulb had cooled down.
Way back in Glasgow they had outside toilettes at the bottom of the garden overhanging the Clyde.
They were commonly known as? The cludgie?
At the dinner table Dad said to his children? Who pushed the cludgie into the river?
There was dead silence.
Dad said? I am going to tell you a little story about a famous American called George Washington.
He was playing in the garden when he found an axe.
I? M going to be a lumberjack he thought and had great fun chopping down a cherry tree.
His Father saw the tree and was very angry.
Who chopped down my cherry tree he shouted.
I cannot lie said little George it was I who chopped down your cherry tree.
His father? S anger turned to a smile and he told little George that because he was so honest and owned up he would not punish him.
Little George grew up and became the president of America.
Wee Jimmy stood up and said? I Canna lie Dad, it was me who pushed the cludgie in the river.
His father went over and gave him a wallop that nearly took his head off.
Screaming his head off wee Jimmy said? George Washington? S dad didnae hit him?
His Dad replied.
? George Washington? S dad wasn? T up the f@ckin? Tree when he chopped it down.
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends."Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed."Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed off if it's not ready on time."When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it."Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me every day?"Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed! Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said,"You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"The wife stoically replied,"I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his erse."
I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops.
Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!
As an unemployed paedophile I don't know where to send my C. V? The Vatican or the BBC?Accurate, current and very funny!
AussieGaigin
01-15-13, 10:05
Maggie, a blonde city girl, got a job working for a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie: 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK? '
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one. Right here. '
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred? '
That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for? '
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says.
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on. '
Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
Second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
His cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had
Just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
There as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his
Best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes
Before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen,
Finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club
Record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10. He was jubilant.
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted,"You went ahead and finished your
Round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the.
Country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just
As well you went ahead and finished that round because it will
Be more than likely your last! For the rest of.
Her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care
Giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag
Every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't
Forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said,"I'm just fucking with you.
She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
A TALE OF TWO VASECTOMIES.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a very attractive nurse comes in.
And takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top, and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to perform, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient, and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks,"What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds,"They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have ObamaCare!"
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife.
Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday
When Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be
Cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60.
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM)
Responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive
Osama bin Laden explained,"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position
To meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace".
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between
Reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3, 000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spoke-persons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing
Star Susan Boyle . Now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla,"Harder".
Charles yelled back."I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles lets out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you! With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,"That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a.
Large bag of Purina.
Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was.
In the checkout.
Line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So.
Since I'm retired and.
Have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I.
Didn't have a dog, I was.
Starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably.
Shouldn't, because.
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost.
50 pounds before I.
Awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of.
Most of my.
Orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect.
Diet and that the.
Way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina.
Nuggets and.
Simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food.
Is nutritionally.
Complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to.
Mention here that practically everyone in line was now.
Enthralled with my.
Story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive.
Care because the.
Dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb.
To sniff an Irish.
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have.
A heart attack he.
Was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of.
Crazy things to.
Say.
AussieGaigin
01-17-13, 09:40
Like your jokes mate, but why do you keep starting new paragraphs halfway through a sentence? Makes it very hard to read them.
Perhaps you are getting carried away with the return / enter key on your keyboard?
Like your jokes mate, but why do you keep starting new paragraphs halfway through a sentence? Makes it very hard to read them.
Perhaps you are getting carried away with the return / enter key on your keyboard?Aussiegaigin,
This was'nt intentional, the joke was copied & pasted from my email & it did just come oot that way.
I did not type each line & hit the enter key. Don't know where the fault lies.
Keep laughing.
Cheers
AussieGaigin
01-19-13, 09:43
Aussiegaigin,
This was'nt intentional, the joke was copied & pasted from my email & it did just come oot that way.
I did not type each line & hit the enter key. Don't know where the fault lies.
Keep laughing.
CheersOK, thanks, strange things do happen when you cut and paste across different programs / formats.
Keep 'them coming.
OK, thanks, strange things do happen when you cut and paste across different programs / formats.
Keep 'them coming.Obviously very few guys preview their posts before posting. If they did they would see the problem and correct it easily.
My joke for the day.
A QUESTION OF ETHICS.
A son asks his lawyer father about ethics.
"Suppose son, that one day a gentleman comes into my office with a simple question.
Upon answering the man's question, I charge him $100.
He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but agrees to pay.
The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand.
Upon his leaving, I notice that the man has, in fact, given me two $100 bills.
Now the ethical question: Do I share that money with your mother or not?"
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking". He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
"Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugged,"I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and said,"She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
Clydesdale
01-25-13, 03:38
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Clydesdale
01-25-13, 03:39
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
Clydesdale
01-25-13, 03:50
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said."Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
Kuma Pamper
01-25-13, 22:17
I know a young teenage girls who where often alone in the afternoons after school before her parents come home. On her 19 years birthday she also went home 3 PM. And waited for her Mom and dad to return home and make a birthday dinner. She felt horny so she took some fish-oil and lubricated her vagina and got her cat to lick those drops. She felt very good and was very close to climax.
However what she did not know was that this day her family was already home waiting for her in the cellar. They had invited several friends home as surprise party. All 15 persons was hiding in the cellar. They sneak up and with flags, birthday cake, gifts etc. And when they entered her room they where saying "SURPRISE!" and started singing birthday songs. However the stopped singing very fast. Because what they saw was her laying on the sofa with spread legs (in orgasmic climax) and a real pussy-cat licking her between her legs.
She will never forget that day!
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? Two! One to change the light bulb. And one to write a folk song about it!
Was talking about death to a friend. I said I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like all his passengers!
AussieGaigin
01-27-13, 10:14
Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.
The three men had always done everything together.
Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. '
The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew. '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.
Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. '
The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew. '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell? '
Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes. '
'What? He had two arseholes? ' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'them, but everybody used to say.
There's Stew with them two arseholes. '
The woman asked the pharmacist,"Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked,"Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said,"Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied
Clydesdale
01-29-13, 00:30
A wife asks her husband,"Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"
After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
Companionship."
"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks,"would she live in this
House?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
It. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife
Asks,"would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2, 000. It's going to
Last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept
In our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies."She's left-handed."
Clydesdale
01-29-13, 00:34
It was entertainment day. 4th Tuesday at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. '
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. '
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. '
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'Shit! ' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center
AussieGaigin
01-29-13, 09:18
what's 60 ft / 20 m long and smells of stale [CodeWord109] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord109)?
a line dance at a senior's center.
Mr Enternational
01-31-13, 09:17
I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife Deborah's request and found out our new family doctor is a young female; friggin drop-dead gorgeous. Eh!
I was embarrassed but she said,"Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said,"my wife thinks my penis tastes funny."
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar,
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched,"It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that.
She'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred.
Dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a.
Guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says,"A hundred dollars." He replies,
"All I got is thirty."
She says,"Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks."What now. What can he.
Get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for.
Thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this.
Huge willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says."I'll be right.
Back." She runs back to Keith.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"
A bloke is in the waiting room of a doctors surgery. A beautiful secretary tells him he can go in and see the doctor. He says to the doc "how is it doc how is everything?" The doctor says there's good news and bad news. The bloke says give me the bad news. The doctor says "your've got full blown AIDS". The patient is inconsolable after a few minutes he thinks to himself what can the good news be? So he asks the doc "what the good news?" The doc replys "that beautiful secretary that told you to come in, I'm fucking her!"
A man is waiting in the doctors surgery, a beautiful secretary tells him to go in and see the doctor. The doc says there's good news and bad news. The patient says give me the bad news, the doc says "your got full blown AIDS" the patient is inconsolable then he thinks what can the good news be? So he asked the doc "what the good news?" The doc replys "that beautiful secretary that told you to come in, I'm fucking her".
The pope is resigning because he doesn't have the strength to do the job anymore.
In other words an alter boy fought him off.
Clydesdale
02-15-13, 01:31
A man goes to a golf pro for some advice.
'Well, what should I do? ' asked the man.
'Hold the club gently, ' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast. '
Taking the advice, he took a s wing, and POW, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard. '
'What can I do? ' asked the wife.
'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis. '
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and,
THUMP-
The ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
'You know, that was a lot better than I expected, ' the pro said.
'Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands. '
Clydesdale
02-17-13, 23:28
A guy's in line at the supermarket when a blonde at the back of the line starts waving to him.
He doesn't recognize her, so he walks over and says,"I'm sorry, do I know you?"
She says,"I think you might be the father of one of my children."
He says,"Yow. Are you the stripper from my bachelor party, who I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"
She says,"No, I think I'm your son's English teacher."
The local smackhead approached me today and asked,"Any change mate?"
I said,"No, you're still a smackhead, fuck off!"
What's the most sensitive part of a woman?
Her fat arse.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.
my wife was nearly raped last night.
but the [CodeWord126] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord126) turned the light on.
It took me a lot of time and effort to lose my virginity. That little ***** was a fast runner.
I can't believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online!
I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.
I was getting dressed when the prostitute said to me,"You're the first man to give me an orgasm."
"That's OK love," I said to her."No need to give me that shit."
"No Sir, don't you remember me? Mandy Fletcher, year 8 Maths?"
Clydesdale
02-20-13, 01:49
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.
Footprints.He says he's innocent, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said,"Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said,"No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said,"'Ave ya ever been f*cked laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said,"No".
She said,"Aye, well, ya will be when the tide comes in."
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
Member #2041
02-20-13, 17:16
He says he's innocent, but he doesn't have a leg to stand on.When asked during interrogation what possessed him to kill his girlfriend, Pistorius replied: "I'm completely stumped".
Angus Magee
02-20-13, 18:05
Guys...the Pistorius jokes...Too soon....maybe wait 'til Friday.
';)
Am
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to.
Last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was.
Concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor.
For advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last.
Longer.
During the act. The man decided,"What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't.
Do.
It in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck.
Over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew.
Closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not.
Wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut.
And replied,"What?"
He heard,"This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied,"I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says,"Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck.
Rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
i want to thank all the contributors to this thread, especially wanking. whenever i want a chuckle this is where i go!
my wife was nearly raped last night.
but the [CodeWord126] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord126) turned the light on.
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering) , he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked,"What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained,"And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought,"Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember."The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said,"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,"You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said,"By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said,"You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said,"No, I guess not." She said,"Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said,"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat on the couch. Naked.
You can always use a paper bag if a girl's fat and ugly.
And you can always use a plastic bag if she's unwilling.
Apparently I am a marvellous wife. According to my husband, I deserve an Oscar.
My young son asked me what a **** is.
I told him,"It's a very naughty word that means vagina."
"Daddy, what's a vagina?" he asked,
I said,"Son, it's something very special."
He replied,"Mummy thinks you're something very special."
I said to the wife,"I'm horny."
"What you want me to do?"
"Give me a shag."
"Oh, really?"
"No, just joking," I laughed."I just wanted to give you a headache."
Flying to Portugal today, at the gate they had a poster reminding people to look for Maddy McCann and showing how she looks today.
Whoever took her, they seem to be doing a better job of bringing her up than Gerry and Kate.
The Pope is resigning because he lacks the strength to do the job.
In other words, an altar boy fought him off.
"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor."It will make your cock look massive."
Bit forward, I thought, for a vasectomy nurse.
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