Jokes & Humorous Stories [Archive] - Page 6

Clydesdale

02-23-13, 21:20

A widow checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought,"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, great abs and she felt quite certain she he would cure what ailed her. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks! '

'We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said,"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Clydesdale

02-23-13, 21:21

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear, ' he said. 'Of course, John, ' his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die, ' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob. ' 'But I thought you hated Bob, ' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do! '

Wanking

03-11-13, 00:45

My wife swallowed after a blowjob for the first time in five years last night.

I wonder if it's a sign that she's coming out of her coma.

AussieGaigin

03-16-13, 11:21

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet Scrambles and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.).

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

ExpatNLookin

03-16-13, 11:29

Clydesdale

03-18-13, 02:58

A woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says,"since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "No! And go away!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

AfAsia

03-18-13, 14:51

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9H4YvDhlxog

Wanking

03-19-13, 16:04

I've been really stuck for money lately so I couldn't believe my luck when I found twenty quid in the inside pocket of an old coat today. And to make things even better, the homeless guy that was wearing it didn't even wake up.

Clydesdale

03-19-13, 22:26

This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks,"Any thing you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow" replied the bartender,"If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?" The man replied,"Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!"

Clydesdale

03-19-13, 22:32

A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz, ' said the mortician, 'but I can't send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity. '

With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

'I have something to show you that you won't believe, ' he said as he opened up his briefcase.

'Oh my God! ' the wife suddenly screamed, 'Schwartz is dead! '

Wanking

03-20-13, 03:06

NoWahalla

03-23-13, 05:49

The Italian says,"When I've a finisheda makina the love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees she, floats a 6 inches abov'a the bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies,"Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished.

Making ze lovewith ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Redneck says,"That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doing it to myolady I get out of bed, walks over to the window and wipes my dick on the curtains.

She hits the freaking roof!"

NoWahalla

03-23-13, 05:53

Jack goes to the doctor and says,"Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack,"Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged there's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly,"What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains,"what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says,"Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use.

His improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly, his penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,

"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied,"Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

Wanking

03-23-13, 20:29

A man says to his wife,"I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"

The wife hastily replies,"No, I might go deaf!"

To which the man replies,"I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 04:59

Louisiana guy goes into a brothel in Thailand, he asks for a woman with rotten teeth, saggy tits, beer belly, boils on her arse an a fanny the size o' a wizards sleeve.

Madam asks " Is sir feeling kinky tonight? '."No, homesick!"

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:00

The wife said to her husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"

The husband replied,"That's not true; sometimes I want a pizza."

Q. Why did God create yeast infections?

A. So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating see*nt once in a while too.

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:01

A young woman had been taking golf lessons, she had just started playing her first round of golf, when she suffered a bee sting, her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong? '

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide! '

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:02

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a w*nk in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this. Why?"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the *ing mop out again!"

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:03

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".

Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.

"How does that feel?" he asks.

"F*cking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:04

The Fosters advert banned from TV.

"G'day mate, Fosters help line. What's the problem dude?"

"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on the vagina by a hornet and now her minge has completely closed up!"

"Bummer Dude"

"Thanks mate, bye"

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:07

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning? '

He says, 'O. K, Get in the car with it. '

'Where shall I put it to get it warm? '

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. '

'But what about the smell? '

'Just hold its little nose. '

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

NoWahalla

03-25-13, 05:08

A Louisiana guy in his twenties pulls an older woman at a night club.

She`s 61 but looks good for her age on the way back to her house he thinks to himself mmmm I bet her daughter is hot.

When out of the blue she asks him if he would like a sportsman's double. Whats that? He asks,

Its a mother and daughter 3 some she says. Wow yes please he says. So as they go through front door,

She puts hall light on and shouts.

Mum are you still awake!

Clydesdale

03-29-13, 22:01

A chap goes to the doctor with a lump in the middle of his forehead, explaining that the lump was getting bigger, especially when he rubbed it.

After a couple of tests, the doctor told the chap that he was growing a penis on his forehead.

"I can't get out of bed and look at that every morning in the mirror!" exclaims the patient.

"You won't be able to," says the doc."your balls will be hanging in your eyes."

Clydesdale

03-29-13, 22:07

My friend's wife is six months pregnant. She asked me if I wanted to touch the baby. By her reaction, I think she meant from the outside.

Clydesdale

03-29-13, 22:10

My mother-in-law has been moaning for two days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement. I should probably go down there and check on her; she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.

Clydesdale

03-29-13, 22:11

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman

Wanking

03-30-13, 00:44

What's the best way to avoid getting dog shit on yourself?

Use a condom.

NoWahalla

03-31-13, 05:25

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says,"Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What

Are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says,"Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts."Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,"Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero 'stands and says defiantly,"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Clydesdale

04-05-13, 22:17

Two good ol' boys up in the Kentucky hills were sitting on the front porch talking one afternoon over a cold beer, and after getting off of work at the local coal mine.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,"If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says,"Well, I don't know 'about kin, but it'd make us even."

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 04:54

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman. '

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? '

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped. '

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box. '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box! '

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in! '

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 04:55

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. '

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven. '

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times. '

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice. '

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins? '

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face. '

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 04:57

Father O'Malley answers the phone and hears. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley? '

'It is! '

'This is the IRS. Can you help us? '

'I can! '

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do! '

'Is he a member of your congregation? '

'He is! '

'Did he donate $10, 000 to the church? '

'He will. '

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 04:58

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times. '

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins? '

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you? '

Man: 'I'm Jewish. '

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this? '

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody! '

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 04:59

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick, ' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet! ' and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you? ' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there? ' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths, ' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes? ' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

NoWahalla

04-09-13, 05:03

The woman you always wanted. But didn't know where to find.

Wanking

04-09-13, 17:54

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters. But always talked about having a son.They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant.

And delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery.

To see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child.

He had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can.

Be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back? '

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time! '

Wolvenvacht

04-09-13, 20:29

Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Clydesdale

04-10-13, 02:42

Prince William's stag party's going to be a bit weird. Imagine stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancer's knickers.

Clydesdale

04-10-13, 02:46

One day three tampons were walking down the street talking. Their names were Always, Pearl, and Tampax. They soon came upon a boy who opened a door for them. Can you guess which one said thank you?

Answer: None of them. They're all stuck up bitches.

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 07:36

People from Chicago, Illinois have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey. 86% of Chicago's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 07:39

I asked a friend to get hold of some Viagra for me as I had a hot date, I saw him a couple of days later and he asked how I'd got on."Amazing" I said "ten times. Ten times!" "You're lucky you didn't break your back!" he replied."My back? I'm lucky I didn't break my fucking wrist. She never showed up!"

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 07:57

A guy is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man,"Was I all over the road?"

"No" replies the Officer,"You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:00

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies,"Roughly a gallon."

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:26

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies? ', her husband demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. '

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. '

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? '

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me. '

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers? ' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. '

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:28

What did the redneck do with his his first fifty-cent piece?

He married her.

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:33

One day a preacher was out watering his lawn when he spied a young boy from his church running down the road with a bottle in his hand.

He stopped him and asked, 'What you got there, son? '

The boy replied 'Turpentine preacher! It's the most powerful liquid in the world! '

The preacher said 'Now listen, the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. You can rub holy water on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a child. '

The boy laughed and said 'Shoot that ain't nothing! You rub some of this turpentine on a cat's ass and it'll pass a motorcycle! '

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:35

My dad taught me how to masturbate properly.

But when I was seventeen I realized I could use my own cock.

Clydesdale

04-14-13, 08:57

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand. Nothing. So, I tried with my left hand. Nothing. My wife tried with her right hand. Nothing. Her left hand. Nothing. Her mouth. Nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth. Still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Wanking

04-18-13, 00:04

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Wanking

04-18-13, 00:09

"You're probably not interested." began the wife,". But I think we should have a baby together. A child of our own would strengthen our relationship. It would show the world how in love we are and I just know we'd make amazing parents."

"You're right, love." I replied,

"I'm not interested."

NoWahalla

04-18-13, 04:09

Two Swedish sisters go into a photo studio to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When he darkens the room and starts to go under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks."Vots he goink to do?"

Her sister answers,"Hes goink to focus!"

The second cries,"Bot of us?"

Clydesdale

04-22-13, 00:20

A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident.

'Oh my God! ' cries the wife, 'The whole finger? '

'No, ' replies her husband. 'The one next to it. '

Clydesdale

04-22-13, 00:22

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said,"She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said,"If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said,"Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said,"No, she's an eye doctor."

Clydesdale

04-22-13, 00:31

What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone?

You can't hear a pheromone.

Wanking

04-26-13, 12:28

I texted my boss,"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered,"I don't know."

I replied,"I'm not coming in this morning."

Clydesdale

04-27-13, 00:21

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job. Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a ****.

Clydesdale

04-27-13, 00:35

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman."Miss Fitzgerald" he said sternly "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub". The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff". The landlord said "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish".

Hbengkok

04-27-13, 05:33

. when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a ****.I don't get it. What is * anyway?

Clydesdale

04-27-13, 20:34

I don't get it. What is * anyway?Tnuc spelled backwards. Another word for pussy. Apparently the forum doesn't allow that word, because that's what I entered and it was replaced with stars.

Hbengkok

04-28-13, 06:16

Tnuc spelled backwards. Another word for pussy. Apparently the forum doesn't allow that word, because that's what I entered and it was replaced with stars.Ha ha. (late LOL). Thank you.

Wanking

05-14-13, 01:29

Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says,"Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Shamus says,"That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!" Paddy says,"That's fuck all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Red Kilt

05-20-13, 07:14

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit panel van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out:

"Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the radio-aerial off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona with it until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:

"Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits,

"Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:

"I thought so. Because, in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

NoWahalla

05-31-13, 04:07

The Italian lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied."No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked,"You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said,"No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again,"You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.

" No, I am NORWEGIAN "

Red Kilt

06-07-13, 09:59

This photo of a funny street sign reminded me of the weird posts some guys make when they try to find the whereabouts of a girl they met in a bar.

NoWahalla

06-12-13, 05:28

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says,"So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies,"I'm a pisser. I [CodeWord140] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord140) on everything. The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab says,"So what is the vet going to do?"

"going to cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab."They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks,"Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab says,"I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.

I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks,"Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab says."I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.

I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says,"So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

NoWahalla

06-12-13, 05:30

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her;"Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us? Not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The daughter, crying, replied,"Sniff, sniff. Dad. I became a prostitute."

"WHAT! Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family. I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad. As you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club. (takes a breath). An invitation for you all to spend NewYears' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The daughter, crying again,"Sniff, sniff. A prostitute Dad. Sniff, sniff?".

"Oh! Be Jesus. You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said,"a Protestant!" Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Clydesdale

06-20-13, 04:15

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said,"Okay, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers is going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied."They're for your sister."

Clydesdale

06-24-13, 04:07

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class,"Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly,"Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied,"The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs."And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Clydesdale

06-24-13, 04:13

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye"."Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked."Well" the man said "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in".

Clydesdale

06-24-13, 04:17

My one day of employment after retiring. After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Walmart". Then said "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone fucked you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart". My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

Wanking

06-27-13, 20:07

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

Wanking

06-28-13, 21:26

His is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.

Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a ***** fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.

And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013.

Wanking

07-11-13, 16:40

I was watching this interview one night recently with Francis Rossi, lead singer of English Rock Band Status Quo, and during the interview they were asking him about the sexploits of the band over the years, and I have transcribed here what he said in the interview:

Francis Rossi:

"I'll tell ya a funny one, It was only when we went to America in the early 1970's that we discovered that People actually washed their Private parts. Up until then I thought everyone was like the English and just had a bath once a week or whatever.

A few years previous, We did a gig one night in Tun-bridge Wells, and afterwards a few of us had our way with some birds round the back of the bus. Then after about an hour on the Bus heading home, one of the lads pipes up "Oi I smell shit!". So we all investigated where the smell of shit was coming from, and it was coming from my hand! So I had so spend the rest of the journey home hanging my hand out the window!"

Sarangdharp

07-20-13, 08:43

A girl went to a store to buy a wallet. She saw a large one priced $500, she asked the salesman what is it made of. The salesman replied it's made of crocodile skin. Then she saw a smaller one priced $1000. She asked what is that made of. The salesman replied that it's made of snake skin. The she saw a still smaller one priced $2000. She asked why is that small thing so expensive? The salesman replied. Madam just move your hands on it with love, it would become a suitcase, it's made of foreskin!

Member #1174

07-23-13, 00:13

A man and his wife are watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' when the man asks his wife for sex, to which she replies no.

The man then says "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says "yes", to which the man replies "Then I'd like to phone a friend".

Enjoy!

Clydesdale

07-24-13, 03:05

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. After dining in the restaurant he invited the waitress called Julie up to his room for drinks. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man."It's o. K," he replied,"it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil. "Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!"

Member #1174

07-24-13, 03:21

A couple are in their bedroom and the wife says to her husband,"I wish I had bigger tits". The hubby says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months." "How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the wife curiously.

'Well it worked for your ass" says the husband.

Wjmpsr

07-24-13, 03:54

Freddy picked up a gal at a local watering hole. After a good screw he reached for a cigarette, she asked "what are you doing, bubba did not stop after one", so they go at it again. After round two he once again reaches for a smoke and she once again protests. So he picks up the phone, she asks "who are you calling". He replies,"I am calling tiger to find out what is par for this hole".

Member #1174

07-24-13, 20:59

A couple were at an antiques store when the wife found and rubbed a lamp. Out popped a genie and told them they each had one wish. The wife replies: " I wish we were on our own gorgeous yacht in our bathing suits", and boom, like magic they were on a beautiful boat in their suits. The husband turns to the genie and says "I wish my wife was 25 years younger than me". Poof, suddenly he was 25 years older!

AussieGaigin

07-28-13, 13:10

A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner.
His wife screams at him,"My hair & makeup are not done,
The house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in.
My pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the f*k did you bring him around for?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

Wanking

07-29-13, 20:16

Today I saw my wife crying and praying for her mother's recovery.

I went over and said,"Stop praying. It doesn't work."

"How do you know?" she sobbed.

"If it worked," I said,"She would have been dead a long time ago."

AussieGaigin

08-02-13, 13:45

Health experts warn us that:

Drinking Vodka over ice can give you kidney failure.

Drinking rum over ice can give you liver failure.

Drinking whisky over ice can give you heart problems.

Drinking gin over ice can give you brain problems.

Moral of story: Ice is bad for your health.

AussieGaigin

08-02-13, 13:49

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.

Last night she used me to time an egg.

NoWahalla

08-13-13, 04:16

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. '

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year, ' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. '

'How much do you charge? '

'Eighty dollars per visit, ' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it, ' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? ' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup! '

'Is that so! ' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you? '

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now! '

Forget the Shrinks. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER

NoWahalla

08-14-13, 04:47

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Screwing.

C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You always time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Centre.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £100 extra.

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check inside your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU the MAN!

AussieGaigin

08-14-13, 05:03

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'.

Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'.

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack:

'Extra Long. King Size'.

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, 'Air New Zealand '.

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways. '

NoWahalla

08-15-13, 05:40

Premature ejaculator seeks a young attractive women for fun & fling.

Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight arse and aaaaaw, ***** sake, never mind.

NoWahalla

08-19-13, 05:00

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

Decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less, she would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. '

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord. And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

Said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better

Man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. '

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

NoWahalla

08-20-13, 04:46

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding, during the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over, and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla,"Harder".

Charles yelled back."I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles lets out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you! With a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,"That's my boy who served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

BestBeer

08-22-13, 14:41

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Wanking

08-28-13, 22:22

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said,"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

"Fair enough," I replied, groping her tits.

Wanking

08-30-13, 22:54

When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.

If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.

HotShaneHot

09-03-13, 02:29

I did see this in Udon.

HotShaneHot

09-04-13, 01:33

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-05-13, 03:40

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-05-13, 11:20

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-06-13, 01:20

This is a good one.

HotShaneHot

09-06-13, 09:50

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-07-13, 01:27

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-08-13, 01:15

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-09-13, 01:12

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-09-13, 06:42

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-11-13, 03:36

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-12-13, 03:23

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-16-13, 03:09

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-17-13, 01:22

Got them from a bar in Udon.

HotShaneHot

09-17-13, 02:33

Good photos.

HotShaneHot

09-18-13, 00:55

Cool photos.

HotShaneHot

09-18-13, 04:38

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-19-13, 02:40

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-20-13, 00:54

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-20-13, 02:24

Funny photo.

HotShaneHot

09-21-13, 01:51

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-21-13, 05:54

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-23-13, 01:25

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-23-13, 08:41

Cool photos.

HotShaneHot

09-24-13, 01:33

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-24-13, 06:57

Funny photos.

Ed Setra

09-24-13, 16:03

Funny photos.No, they're not.

AussieGaigin

09-24-13, 21:17

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she decides to give him a surprise treat and she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern."He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says."Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She screams at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real be$tch this time.

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

HotShaneHot

09-25-13, 01:27

Cool photos.

HotShaneHot

09-25-13, 03:20

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.Come on, thats is?

HotShaneHot

09-26-13, 01:19

Cool photos.

HotShaneHot

09-27-13, 00:46

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-27-13, 07:42

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-28-13, 02:08

Funny photos.

HotShaneHot

09-28-13, 05:28

Can you do them all?

Menteng

10-04-13, 17:11

This is a good one.Why don't you post your childish pictures in the proper section? This one is the Jokes and Humorous Stories thread!

Poucolouco

10-04-13, 20:42

Why don't you post your childish pictures in the proper section? This one is the Jokes and Humorous Stories thread!I second that motion. The comic book has worn out its welcome.

D Cups

11-03-13, 15:35

There was guy at the beach who like to bury himself in the sand except for one part of his body (his enormous dick). Apparently he wanted to get it as tan as the rest of him. Just then two old ladies walked by and one said to the other "when I was 9 years old I wondered what that was; when I was 19 I found out; when I was 29 I really liked it; when I was 39 I couldn't get enough; when I was 49 it was getting scarce; when I was 59 I had to pay for it. Now I am 69 and LOOK: it is growing WILD on the beach!"

This is a good one to tell the ladies.

D Cups

11-03-13, 15:36

Hey, I like Shane's comics.

I second that motion. The comic book has worn out its welcome.

AussieGaigin

11-15-13, 12:02

Found this on another site some may be familiar with them:

He said. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said. You wear pants don't you?
*
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said. That's a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
*
He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
*
He said. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said. I would but you're never there.
*
He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said. They don't have time.
*
He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said. We don't know; it has never happened.
*
He said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said. They already have boyfriends.
*
He said. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
She said. A widow.
*
He said. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

AussieGaigin

11-15-13, 12:04

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more'. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then!

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

NoWahalla

11-20-13, 05:21

Two women discussing. Tell me, what is sex?

- Sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed and he leaves some money on your table.

- And what is good sex?

- Good sex is when you dress up, go to a bar flirt with a guy, he buys you drinks. You go to bed, you actually enjoy it, and he leaves lots of money on your table.

- And what is love?

- Love? That's a Jewish invention to avoid leaving money on the table.

Dreams

11-20-13, 12:09

Jp Slicky

11-24-13, 11:29

If it we'nt for pickpockets, I would have no sex life at all (Rodney Dangerfield)

Jp Slicky

11-24-13, 11:45

My wife. I think she is fooling around I am telling ya. The other day I asked the cab driver to take me where the action is, and he took me to my house.

My cousin is gay. He all depressed now since he found out Big Ben is a clock.

I tell ya that Viagra works great. The woman I was with the other night chipped a tooth.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My wife wants sex in the back seat of the car. And she wants me to drive.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

(These are all Jokes from the great Rodney Dangerfield) Hope they bring a few smiles out there

Clydesdale

12-02-13, 07:00

Text from daughter to mom:
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"

Text from mom to daughter:
"It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."

Daughter back to mom:
"Oh my God, mom. Sorry, I meant to spell gum."

Clydesdale

12-02-13, 07:06

You shouldn't have sex before marriage because it makes you late for the ceremony

Clydesdale

12-02-13, 07:10

I was sitting in a bar and my buddy said "See those 2 drunks over there? That's us in 10 years". I said "That's a mirror you idiot"

Clydesdale

12-02-13, 07:27

I gazed into her eyes
My heart was pounding
Lips trembling, unable to speak
Sweat forming on my brow.
She opened her petite little mouth and uttered three words I'll never forget.
"That's him Officer"

Cons68

12-02-13, 12:04

In a jewish-christian culture it works. It would probably not work in Asia or in Muslims world (or maybe yes)

Some of the jewish jokes I heard in Kansas in the Jewish Community Center sauna you would not believe. But then there was a bunch of Soviet jews there with a most warped sense of humor (classical performers I think, at least by training) I have never seen such a mixture of high-culture, low-humour and self-deprecation.

Would this joke have been less funny if the word "jewish" had been omitted?

In other words, what makes it funny? The fact that it riles the jews, or just the good humour? I think it is the later.

AussieGaigin

12-24-13, 12:09

I recently spent $14, 500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service all the cows within two days, every last one of them! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a bluddy machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him.

But they taste kind of like peppermint.

AussieGaigin

12-24-13, 12:16

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her,"Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said,"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started. _____________________.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. __________________________.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,"What's on TV?" I said,"Dust." And then the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,"The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied,"And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started. _____________________________.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said,"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too. ' And then the fight started. _______________________.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. ' I replied,"Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started. _______.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

Red Kilt

01-07-14, 04:41

What is a Dilemma?

A student asked his English Professor,

'What is the definition of a dilemma?".

The Professor said, 'well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that".

"Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side,

and a gay man on the other".

"Who are you going to turn your back on?"

Scott79

01-17-14, 01:29

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts,"Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says,"Error. Not long enough."

Wanking

01-24-14, 02:31

Guy Writes The Greatest Complaint Letter Ever To Airline For Having To Sit Next To An Obese Person On Flight;

http://www.stunnish.com/guy-writes-greatest-complaint-letter-to-airline/

Dear Jetstar,

Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.

As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.

Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne. Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.

Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname. Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, 'hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe'. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.

I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both 'crew only' rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.

Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.

I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: [Redacted], or tweet me

BestBeer

03-17-14, 13:00

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"

Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

BestBeer

03-31-14, 15:00

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,

Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

BestBeer

03-31-14, 15:03

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

"You know," he says,"I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt."

His friend says,"Yeah, I know what you mean."

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

"While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt."

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.

Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

"So did anything happen?"

"I have some bad news for you," says the friend.

"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light."

"Then what happened?" says the man.

"I don't know. It was too dark to see."

"Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt."

Wanking

04-19-14, 17:46

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said,"Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.

Jp Slicky

05-21-14, 02:12

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women, the other half I wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.".

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.".

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.".

"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.".

G Schyman

05-21-14, 09:57

A true legend. There is a bar in BKK called the pickled live full of Pictures of him..

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol, and wild women, the other half I wasted.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.".

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.".

"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.".

"Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.".

Jp Slicky

05-21-14, 10:57

A master juggler and a great pool player.

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:22

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. " she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess. ".

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:23

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling.

"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:24

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home. They had been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks, "If I pull out my penis, would you hold it?" The woman agrees and so every day they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the man's penis. One day the woman went to the garden early and found the man with another woman. She approached the man and asked what the other woman has that she doesn't.

The man replied gleefully "Parkinson's!

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:26

The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.

Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.

The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.

They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward. ".

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?

The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk. ".

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:27

So, a drunk stands up at the end of a bar and yells.

"All lawyers are assholes".

Another guy at the other end shouts.

"Yo, that's not fair, I resent that remark".

The drunk says.

"Oh, so you're a fucking lawyer, huh?

Second guy responds.

"No, I'm an asshole. ".

NoWahalla

06-11-14, 19:28

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog.

Empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: 'Can your dog perform other tricks?

'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into.

A little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing.

And the man then shouts to the dog, 'OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it's done. ".

NoWahalla

07-31-14, 05:28

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/30/dick-pic-janet-looks-at-89-dicks_n_5635212.html?cps=gravity

Dickhead

10-14-14, 02:56

I started a new business, making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's turning out to be a great business.

Prophets are going through the roof!

Red Kilt

10-27-14, 05:38

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off. ".

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire. I will think about it overnight".

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.

Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do. ".

Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache. ".

AussieGaigin

11-23-14, 08:26

One day the directors of a large finance company are called into the chairman's office until only the newest, most junior executive is left sitting nervously outside. Finally, it is his turn to be summoned. He enters the office to find the chairman and the other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.

The chairman turns to the young man and asks, "Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?

"No, certainly not. ".

"Are you absolutely sure?" persisted the chairman.

"Absolutely, I've never laid a finger on her. ".

"You'd swear to that on a stack of Bibles?

"Yes, I swear I've never had any sexual relationship with your secretary. ".

"Good. Then you fire her. ".

Wolvenvacht

01-25-15, 09:42

An escort named "Marry"? WTF?

http://www.escortforumit.xxx/accompagnatrici/MARRY-38764

I don't think that choice of name was a wise business decision.

Sarangdharp

04-08-15, 16:38

Police came to a man's residence.

Officer. We have a search warrant, we would search your house.

Man. Why? What's the problem?

Officer. We have received information that there is explosive material in your house.

Man. Your information is right, but she has gone to her mother's place.

Red Kilt

04-14-15, 05:38

- I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next p o o p could spell disaster.

- Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens Airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days holiday".

- I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge again last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

- "Jesus Loves You".

Nice to hear in a Church, but not in a Mexican prison.

- You never hear a man being asked how he combines marriage with a career.

Sarangdharp

04-18-15, 18:15

Lady. Doctor, looks like I have some infection on my lips.

Doctor. How many times do you kiss?

Lady. Once a year!

Doctor. There is no infection, they are rusted!

Sarangdharp

04-25-15, 17:21

Master of the house was woken up due to raised voices in the house. He saw that the lady of the house and the maid were having altercation.

Master to his wife. What's the matter?

Lady of the house. This maid is a thief, she steals things.

Master. What has she stolen?

Lady. This time, she has stolen my panty.

Maid. I have not stolen the panty.

Lady. You did steal my panty.

Maid. I don't wear panties. You can ask the Master.

Master fainted.

Red Kilt

05-10-15, 12:27

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I said, "Wow!

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629. ".

Sarangdharp

05-12-15, 15:41

Doctor to female patient: You are looking so weak and exhausted. Aren't you three meals a day as advised by me?

Female patient: Where is your SOB assistant? He typed three MALES a day!!

Member #4398

05-23-15, 22:55

This is true story. This happened to me while traveling from Medellin to Barranquilla via a Viva Colombia plane. While at the Viva Colombia counter and checking in, I had 3.5 kilos or close to 8 pounds over the limit weight in my carry on bag. If you have six kilos in your carry on while flying Viva Colombia, they don't charge. I had 9. 5 kilos total and was 3 kilos over the limit. The ticket agent told me I needed to pay 60 k or 24 dollars for the extra weight. I told the agent "no way" and hold on. I told her I will be right back, took my carry on luggage and went to the bathroom with it. In the bathroom, I took some clothes out and put two pants on, three t-shirts on, and a sweater on. Then I went back to the counter back with my carry on. I was sweating like a mother fucker with all the extra clothes and weight. Then the same agent checked me again and she did not recognize that I was the same person. I looked fatter and more than 3 kilos heavier with the extra clothing. She weighted my carry book bag and it was 5. 5 kilos. And Bingo! Then I got my plane ticket and did not have to pay the 60 k they were asking me. After entering the plane waiting area, I went back to the bathroom and took all the extra clothing and put it back in the carry on bag.

AussieGaigin

06-21-15, 10:55

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless.

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

Abby

AussieGaigin

06-21-15, 10:56

Q: What's the difference between a folk-guitar player and a large pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Meesee

08-19-15, 06:33

Did anyone happen to notice the Word of the Day on the English Wiktionary homepage today, 18 August 2015? It is always encouraging to receive literary enlightenment from the mainstream for our benefit.

https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/strumpet

D Cups

08-19-15, 14:28

Dickhead

08-19-15, 14:42

Or dive for doxies.

AussieGaigin

08-29-15, 12:46

A woman of advanced age asks her physician for help in reviving her marital sex life, but baulks at his suggestion of providing her husband with Viagra.

"Not a chance," she says. "he won't even take an aspirin. ".

"No problem," the doctor replies. "Give him an Aussie Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went. ".

A week later she is back, shaken.

"'Twas shocking, doctor," she exclaims, "just shocking! I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was shocking!

"I don't understand," the doctor says. "You mean it was no good?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! 'Twas the best sex I've ever had! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!

TellAll

09-18-15, 09:58

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. ".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business at this convention?

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. ".

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck. ".

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm Sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't Even know your name. ".

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Wolvenvacht

09-27-15, 12:48

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life. " Elmo Phillips.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. " Steve Martin.

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. " Robert De Niro.

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380 SL. " Lynn Lavner.

Speed0211

09-28-15, 15:26

1. A cow was walking, Newton stopped it. He stopped, he found his 1st Law "An Object Continues To Move Unless It Stops".

2. he gave a force by kicking the cow, it gave a sound, he formulated the 2nd Law "Force, F=MA".

3. After sometimes cow gave a kick to Newton, then he formulated 3rd Law "Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction".

Speed0211

09-28-15, 15:56

Wife: had your lunch?

Husband: had your lunch?

Wife: I m asking you.

Husband: I m asking you.

Wife: you copying me?

Husband: you copying me?

Wife: lets go shopping.

Husband: Yes I had my lunch.

True story.

Speed2487

09-28-15, 18:36

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. " The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. " The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry. ".

Speed2487

09-28-15, 18:37

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. " "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry. " This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. " "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration. ".

Speed2487

09-28-15, 18:40

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" he said, "Explain the kids!

ThaRime2

10-05-15, 18:54

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does during an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "he's at home taking care of the kids."

MrWho

10-07-15, 17:56

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago. "he swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality. "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average. "Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name. "The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein. "*.

MrWho

10-08-15, 18:06

Burn Patient.

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs. ".

ThaRime2

10-09-15, 13:59

Once a girl asked an engineer.

"Why we have units to measure.

Weight,

Height,

Length,

Money, etc.

But nothing to measure.

Love,

Trust,

Friendship.

Why?

Why?

Why?

The engineer thought for a while.

Took her in his arms.

Looking in her deep eyes and said.

Asshole I already got back in three subject.

My family is already fucking me badly.

If you want to measure still than better measure my dick.

NoWahalla

10-12-15, 06:22

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor, he asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. ".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position the man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?

The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!

NoWahalla

10-12-15, 06:23

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

NoWahalla

10-12-15, 06:25

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as theblind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! ".

The blind man replies:

"If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!

ThaRime2

10-15-15, 07:35

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night. He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters. " The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig. " The second man said,"I slept like a cow. " The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole. ".

AussieGaigin

10-25-15, 09:23

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink office to pick up his welfare check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing. ".

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. ".

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as thedaughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. ".

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it. " .

AussieGaigin

11-21-15, 22:12

Adam and Eve are playing in the garden when God appears and calls them over.

"I haven't quite finished making you," he says, "there are two parts still to go. " he pulls out a penis and asks which one of them would like to have it. He also explains it will save whoever has it the problem with having to sit down to [CodeWord134] (http://isgprohibitedwords.info?CodeWord=CodeWord134).

Adam is beside himself.

"Please please please can I have it?

Eve just shrugs her shoulders so God gives it to Adam who prostrates himself in front of God, repeating, "Thank you thank you God. ".

God then turns to Eve and says, "Well Eve looks like you get the brain. ".

Red Kilt

12-05-15, 03:21

Winner of the Chicago Tribune's Best Tweet of the Week.

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby".

NoWahalla

12-05-15, 05:15

A Sheikh was talking to his travel agent.

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year I am going to do it a little differently.

The last few years I have been taking your advice on where to go.

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii, I went and spent some days there, my wife Razia got pregnant.

Then two years ago you told me go to Bahamas, and Razia got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.

Travel agent: So what are you going to do this year that is different?

Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me.

Red Kilt

12-24-15, 05:20

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.

Just had one from the sperm bank.

Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

Hotrod10

01-11-16, 15:17

On a very hot day my friend pulled into a service station and bought 2 six packs of beer. As he was leaving he noticed a model type blond pumping gas. It was so hot she had unbottened her blouse down to her waist and now she had her boobs hanging out. When she finished pumping gas and as she walked by my friends car she noticed the beer on his front seat. She leaned in the window and said. I am a firm believer in the barter system. I would be willing to trade sex for beer -- My friend sat back an thought for a second then said -- so what kind of beer do you have-.

AussieGaigin

01-14-16, 12:18

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up. '.

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.

The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time. '.

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time. '.

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy.

'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really.

Give away free sex at all. '.

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week. '.

AussieGaigin

02-06-16, 07:03

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool. '.

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. '.

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex? '.

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months. '.

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust. '.

AussieGaigin

02-08-16, 10:10

Two Indian heroin addicts injected themselves with curry powder by mistake. Both ended up in intensive care. One had a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

AussieGaigin

02-10-16, 07:32

Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters.

When they told him they were going to go out on dates one night, the farmer decided to wait outside with a shotgun.

The first boy arrived for the first daughter, and he said, "Hi, my name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer decided he was decent enough, and let them go.

The second boy arrived for the second daughter, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to a show. Is she good to go?" Again, the farmer decided he was decent enough and let them go.

Finally, the last boy came, and he said, "Hi, my name is Chuck. " and the farmer shot him.

AsianVid

02-13-16, 08:01

Well is this a joke? 2 guys fighting over a girl / hooker in the Antwerp red light district? https://youtu.be/40WzcIzpDVk.

AussieGaigin

02-13-16, 11:50

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.

So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. ".

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house. Three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again. WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught. Worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob. Stone cold in the middle of the yard.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful. And expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself. ".

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer ".

AussieGaigin

03-05-16, 12:09

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother tearfully replies, 'he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning'.

Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replies her gran. 'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Sunday morning church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply moving in with the ding and out with the dong. '.

She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continues, 'he might still be alive today if that wretched Mr Whippy ice cream van hadn't passed by'.

Red Kilt

03-20-16, 09:30

The Blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

She responds 'It's really cool.

If you put your ear up against it.

You can smell the ocean!!

AussieGaigin

04-09-16, 01:33

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension. ".

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again. ".

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful, and handsome young man. ".

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life. " And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?

Naked Gunz

04-14-16, 22:50

Which shall you pick? The door on the left or the door on the right? Which ever you choose, you shall soon have, so pick wisely, hahahahahahahahahah!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LVl7ypltWU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aa7keHrWsM

AussieGaigin

04-17-16, 10:48

"What would you like?" says the barman.

"What would I like?" says Bob. "A bigger house, more money and a more attractive wife. ".

"No," says the barman, patiently. "I meant what do you want?

"To win the lottery, for my mother-in-law to die and for my child to be born healthy!

"No, what's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently.

"A boy or a girl, I don't care. ".

"You misunderstand me," says the barman, impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink. ".

"Oh," says Bob, "I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?

"Nothing at all," says the barman. "I'm perfectly healthy. ".

AussieGaigin

04-17-16, 10:51

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of "dumb blonde" jokes, when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

"What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor. ".

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says:

"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!

AussieGaigin

04-18-16, 07:39

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man Arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him.

"'This is the one right here. ".

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks.

"Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder.

"I guess it's To hang your pants on. ".

Red Kilt

04-23-16, 15:36

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, live in Arkansas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife 'Notice anything different about me?

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope. '.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time 'Notice anything different NOW?

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. '.

Furious, Bert yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS! Bert yells.

To which Margaret replies."Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat. ".

Red Kilt

04-28-16, 07:28

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day.

One of them, the older boy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the boy, "Son, how old are you?

"Eight," Jimmy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. ".

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes," Jimmy said. "We saw on TV that if you used these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those. ".

AussieGaigin

04-29-16, 11:05

In the local bar, John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night. ".

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife. ".

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary. ".

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come. ".

AussieGaigin

06-05-16, 10:51

AussieGaigin

09-27-16, 23:45

A man boarded a plane with six kids and got settled into their seats.

A woman sitting across the aisle leans over and says, "Excuse me sir but are these your kids?

To which he replied, "No, I work for a company that manufactures condoms.

And these are customer complaints. ".

ArelaHerd

01-11-17, 00:02

Two kids are talking.

- My dad works twelve hours a day, so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worry.

- But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worry about?

- Well, what if they try to escape?

ArelaHerd

01-11-17, 00:03

At a local coffee bar, a woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!

Red Kilt

03-02-17, 04:01

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm. ".

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?

"You must be home by 2:00 am Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. ".

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 am.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5:00 am Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.

"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything. ".

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!

Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other. ".

AussieGaigin

04-17-17, 04:55

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother"s labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband"s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch.

AussieGaigin

04-19-17, 10:57

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please. Just one more time before die. ".

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death and tosses and turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.

"Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could.".

At this point, the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!

AussieGaigin

04-30-17, 13:41

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. ".

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.

"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

NewImage

05-16-17, 08:18

Bert and Betty are watching TV one Saturday night and as usual Bert in typical male style is flicking on the remote from one channel to another.

First the fishing channel then the porn channel then back to the fishing channel then back to the porn channel.

After 10 minutes of this behaviour Betty screams out in frustration " will you just leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!

Dopey1

05-16-17, 09:10

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's lying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44! Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.

It's pretty odd. And then he hears someone else yell out, "72!" followed by even more laughter.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.

"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier. ".

"Oh," he says, "can I try?

"Sure, go ahead. ".

So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head.

"Hey, what happened wasn't it good joke?

"No it's a great joke," his cellmate says sadly, "it's just the way you tell it. ".The same man next night having heard more numbers being called out and fellow prisoners laughing decides to try again. So he shouts out "98!" There is uproar as the entire prison including the guards dissolve in uncontrollable hysteria. The laughter continues for minutes. Glowing with pride at his success our man says to his cellmate "that seems to have gone down well". "I'm not surprised" came the reply "we've not heard that one before!

NewImage

05-16-17, 12:39

The same man next night having heard more numbers being called out and fellow prisoners laughing decides to try again. So he shouts out "98!" There is uproar as the entire prison including the guards dissolve in uncontrollable hysteria. The laughter continues for minutes. Glowing with pride at his success our man says to his cellmate "that seems to have gone down well". "I'm not surprised" came the reply "we've not heard that one before!I'll join in with Dopey. The next night the same man yells out "89!" A few prisoners laugh but most know its the same joke just told a different way!

Ok I'll go now. Sorry!

AussieGaigin

06-12-17, 01:31

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So. You finish?

After a short pause, she replies, "No. ".

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So. You finish?

And again, after a short pause, she just says "No. ".

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, "So. You finish?

"No. I'm Swedish. ".

Zorp 001

08-06-17, 03:34

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. The monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table. Whole!

"Sorry," replied the guy. "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything. ".

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a cherry on the bar table. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "he still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first. ".

Dopey1

08-21-17, 13:59

So Donald and Daisy Duck are celebrating a 2nd honeymoon. Romantic dinner, bottle of wine etc. Now back at the hotel they'd booked they fall into each other's arms and onto the bed. At which point Donald says "shit! I forgot to bring the condoms". So Daisy says "let's get some on Room Service". Donald duly calls Room Service, and five minutes later there's a quiet knock on the door. "Come in" calls out Donald and a uniformed waiter enters the room with a packet of condoms on a tray. "Would you like me to put this on your bill sir?" Enquires the waiter. Outraged Donald looks at him and says "What kind of a duck do you take me for!

HenglenZZ

04-10-18, 16:51

A father bull and his son are walking along the meadows when they spot a herd of cows far, far away.

So the son bull turns and says to his father: 'Daddy, daddy look! Let's run over there and fuck one of them. '

The father bull then smiles and replies wisely 'No my son. Let's walk over there and fuck them all. '

Red Kilt

04-11-18, 11:47

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks her:

Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question: do you have a vagina?

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you in case that creep shows again".

The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door. If he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this".

The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? ".

The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!

HenglenZZ

04-12-18, 13:42

A female patient in her late thirties, single since a few months, wanted to have sex with her gynaecologist.

With that in mind, she hatches a clever plot.

One day on one of her routine visits, she abruptly says to him 'Doctor! Doctor! There is a fly stuck in my vagina. Why don't you insert your fingers or something else and extract it?

Before the stunned doctor could even respond, she kicks off her shoes, throws her panties at his feet and lies on the operating bed.

The doctor stares at her freshly shaven and now slightly moist vagina for a moment.

'Close your eyes' he orders and she does so, her nipples now hard as granite.

After several seconds she feels something warm on her belly. She opens her eyes and sees that the doctor has taken a dump on her stomach.

'What the hell is this? She asks angrily.

'Flies are attracted to shit,' he grins. 'If there is a fly in there, it will come out in no time at all'.

HenglenZZ

04-13-18, 00:59

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours. " The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours. " The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half. " The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Arthur, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back. " A little while later, Arthur returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Arthur looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!

BenHur3

04-13-18, 03:55

A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts "quick my husband is home!

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

LazyAss69

02-18-21, 02:20

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

TonyMontanaaO7

02-18-21, 13:25

I had arranged to take my then GF out to the theatre as I wanted to do a surprise proposal. But we got side tracked before leaving and ended up having mad passionate sex. She asked me to finish on her, so I came over her face. Unfortunately a large blob of my man batter landed square in her eye. Leaving her with a very red and sore eye. Even after repeated washing, the redness didn't subside, so we had to go to the theatre with a very obvious red eye. So all the pics of my proposal remind us of the day I spaffed in her eye.

LazyAss69

02-19-21, 00:38

How is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

TonyMontanaaO7

02-20-21, 13:12

Ok, here's a 2 for 1 special. Two of my top memories, both with the same girl.

To be fair, I probably had the first funny one with her — she was incredibly hot, and I think our first time, I probably came as soon as I was inside her.

So back in our early days, we were still experimenting a little. I kind of took it slow with her. One night I decided to try anal with her. She had never done it. We had been having sex for a while in a few different positions, and were currently doing it missionary. I slide out and start working the tip into her butt. Everything goes surprisingly well. She feels amazing and we both cum. I pull out and head for the bathroom, but happen to look down and realize she just shit the bed when I pulled out. She was mortified. I was dying laughing.

Later in our relationship, and with a little more experience — we had a few kinks, and I spanked her sometimes. We were in the car one day, and I was actually pissed at her for something. I told her she was getting spanked when we get home, and we were still kind of talking about it. I wasn't happy. I decided I was going to spank her right then and there, and made her basically lay across the car and pull her pants down. We're driving down the expressway and she's getting her bare bottom spanked while I'm telling her what a bad little girl she is, which naturally starts to become sexual. I occasionally slip my hand between her legs, and she's dripping wet. "Are you ready to be a good girl?" I'm getting hard, and unzip my pants. "Show me. " She starts sucking, and I continue to spank her ass, occasionally slipping a finger inside her. She's really getting into it, taking me deep in her mouth, and I hit a bump pretty hard. I heard the sound she makes, and know I only have a few seconds to get us safely stopped. She's on the side of the expressway with her pants around her ankles, puking because she just gagged too hard on the tip of my dick being shoved down her throat, with cars passing by in the middle of the day.