Filipinas - Opinions and Advice

Flying Scotsman:

I apologize if you thought that I was denigrating the relationships that work and I certainly meant no disrespect to you. My post was, to be sure, highly exaggerated if not totally tongue in cheek. It's true, as others have said, that many marriages, even those between two culturally compatible people, end in failure. However, it's been my observation that the odds against truly successful relationships are even greater here, and the reasons, as I've stated, are social, economic and cultural.

Most, though not all, of the relationships that I've observed here are pretty weak, and the expat husbands in particular, begin to "wander" after a year or two. Many, if not most, find that they've undertaken financial obligations that they have not anticipated and many, if not most, find that they have absolutely nothing in common with their (mostly much younger) spouses.

Maybe I have just been running with the wrong crowd, or maybe I've become too jaundiced by what I have seen here. Having said that, I also know that hope springs eternal. I'm involved in a relationship right now that I hope will continue, mature and result in satisfaction for both of us. So far, it's been terrific, but these are still early days. We've known each other a long time, had an on and off sort of relationship, but somehow could never quite let go of each other. This time, I guess we've decided to really put our feelings to the test.

Perhaps it just all boils down to what each of us wants from a relationship. and the range of expectations and hopes in that regard is probably very broad indeed.

GE

Why would a guy want to marry a "club gal" anyway!? Is he pussy whiped? Gives him a knob job and the idiots in heaven!

You can take the gal from the club but you can take the club from the gal. They will always go back. And then you are left broken hearted and just broke.

Hi Guys

I have weighed in a couple of times on discussions here in this column. At times I have addressed some of what I thought were over "generalizations" or characterizations of some girls. Anyway - am still involved with a girl. Just to refresh you - shes 34 has 4 kids, separated, middle class, never worked in a bar and never was with another man other then her husband until me. I met this girl through her younger sister who is a very committed Christian girl.

Here is the deal:

She does not want to be with her husband for several reasons:
1. He does not work and does not provide for the family
2. he is an alcoholic and takes drugs - she fears for herself when he is in that state
3. He has abused her
4. He refuses to live with her cause she lives in a small house built behind her parents.

In spite of this she claims she still loves him. Though she would rather be with me. He occasionally comes into the house and wakes her up to have sex with her. She usually fights him off but has consented a couple of times in the past few months.

Here is where I want the opinion of some of u experienced men with filipina wives out there. I am guessing that she continues to consent out of a sense of obligation and maybe even fear. She does not want to tip him off that she is involved with anyone out of fear of what he may do - possibly to her.

Do you guys think she is being 100 percent authentic with me - or is she stringing me along also. Remember - she has never asked me for money. She is always very considerate and concerned for me as a person. She is educated and employed.

Does she have some other long term agenda for which she is setting me up toward. I am her ticket - for some other long term goal. What do u think?

hank

GoodEnough, As I said, I enjoy your reports and I think I know that your report was slightly tongue in cheek. Its difficult and wrong to generalise about any nationality and I know that Philippines has its share of the type of girls you talk about. No problem, keep up the great reports that you make. Hope we can have a beer sometime.

Scuba, love your comment "you can take the gal out of the club but you cant take the club outa the gal" :)

Wil Kil. As you said your 22 years old. Say no more.

Guys, the Phillipines is a third world country. The girls are beautiful and thats why we are all here using and taking advantage. Lets not beat around the bush. Enjoy and treat them with respect and you will have a great time. If you do get involved in a long term relationship then you need to accept that there are wide cultural differences which do cause problems. I was lucky enough to meet a traditional Filipina who is a great cook, wonderful mother to three great kids and at 50 is still fantastic in bed and most of all puts up with me!!

Happy Mongering

Flying Scotsman

I think she is 100% telling you the truth, beware of the husband though, especially if he is a junky.

Rev333

The truth is most filipina women are really submissive. Most of the have low self esteem, specially highly educated filipina women. Most of them will be lying about thier relationship just to avoid embarrasement from friends and family. This works very well if you are married to her and have kids. Unless she is a bar girl.

I would say when you have establish some connection with her, you can cheat on her, then she will resent you later, then they will beg to take them back.

If I were you and have feelings with her then stay, otherwise have sex with her and move on to the next girl when you are tired with the relationship.

So, the husbands gets to have sex with your woman and you pick up the pieces. Filipinas feel that it is there obligation of the wife to satify the husband.

I may sound insensitive, but I lived this first hand.

Flying Scotsman:

Sure. I would love to share a beer sometime. Of course, you are correct in your statements about the culture here.

I think that for younger Filipinas, sex is just the currency used for negotiating a relationship. They do not seem to attach as much significance to it as it typical of relationships and expectations in the West. I'm not speaking here of bar girls selling sex, or of "traditional" Filipinas (whose number is diminishing) but of the perception of sex among the younger generation of Filipinas. That is, sex is neither a big deal, nor an indication of everlasting love; rather, it's a way of solidifying a relationship, of imprinting the "girlfriend" label on themselves, and of staking out their territory.

My perceptions of the nature of relationships here is evolving, and based on my own experiences and those of my friends. I may be wrong, of course, but this is what makes sense to me at the moment.

I agree with Flying Scotsman. You must remember that the Philippines is a third world country and there are girls there who would do anything to get you to marry them. Believe me I know! I carried out a long distance relationships from my own country for about 9 months.

I had split up with my filipna girlfriend (who is now my wife) and a so called friend set me up with his niece. The girl is a personal secetary to a well thought of chartered accountant. She earned good money but as soon as i arrived in Manila she thought the wedding bells were ringing and ringing loud. I kick that subject in to touch straight away but every now it was brought up but when I said no, she threw the toys out of the pram and stormed off.

This girl was a well educated and well paid but all she wanted was to move out of Manila and move overseas and she saw me as her ticket to a better life. I did not give in to the pressure that she and her family put me under. During the relationship, If I did not phone her or write to her she was texting me non stop until I phoned. When did phone all I got was a grilling of what I was doing, where I had went and who with.

When I finished with this girl she constantly text me saying that she was going to kill herself, tell her family that I made her do things (sexual and non sexual) she did not want to do and she also, threatened to have me arrested if I ever came back to Manila (I'll soon find out when I arrive in Manila in December). When I left her she was stilling a virgin and still is no doubt.

So guys, remember not all the girls are like the one that I escaped from.

Timber Tree:

It's true, as you say, that many Filipinas suffer from low self esteem. They perceive themselves as "low" or sometimes "small" while they perceive expats as "big" or "high." These perceptions are highly correlated with money and the type of job you hold. It's why so many Filipinos will invariably address you as "sir" whenever they see you. It's a comment on the difference between your socioencomic status, as they perceive it, and theirs.

The other factor is, of course, that Filipinas do not, in my opinion, attach quite the same significance to sex as we do. If the lady has to give up sex to cope with the relationship with the husband, then she does it; not through a sense of obligation but because it's just easier that way.

The typical survival mode of a typical Filipina seems to be to do whatever it takes to get her through the day. Their lives are marked by an absence, for the most part, of longer-range planning and/or gratification and a fairly low level of positive expectations. This is not a criticism of their way of life. As I said, it's a survival strategy. This is probably why a little kindness on our part pays such enormous dividends.

GE

Hank,

I am not a foreigner and for that I think I know the mentality of the woman you described. This is just an opinion. Take it or leave it.

A woman like that has an identity crisis and she cannot really make a firm decision as to what she really would like to do in life. There are several reasons as to how she could be pulled back and forth between the two sides of the fence. She cannot weigh her priorities right since her identity is fashioned by what religion, family, the public, cultural values and herself tell her. Here religion tells her to keep her marriage, the public tells her to leave her husband, her family tells her to keep the marriage just to uphold the dignity of the family, cultural values tells her to never loose hope and she tells herself that she needs happiness. Mostly women like this have really low self-esteem. As Westerners, you could not comprehend the possibility of a woman staying with her husband even when the husband is sadistically abusive, but, sadly it is not really a rare case in the Philippines. Filipinas are inherently fatalistic. They would hang on to their value system even if it means the end of their happiness, and, hope is always in sight even if the odds are against it. You really don't have the slightest idea what kind of hold all these forces have on her. The husband knows for sure her weakness and this is how he maintains a hold on her.

I suggest you keep out of the relationship coz you are really just a small part of her struggle. Usually, people who think they could make a difference actually get sucked in to the struggle. The only way you can really be sure about her is if she showed strength against all these forces I mentioned. That would really be a tough job for you to even see this, especially, if you don't understand the cultural norms of the Filipinos.

One more thing, if a Filipina is still married to her abusive Filipino husband, beware as the husband would certainly have the tendency to maim or murder especially if you are caught with his wife - it will definitely cost you an arm or a leg and possibly your life; it doesn't matter if the husband is educated or not. Remember, Filipinos are fatalistic - they would uphold their value system, even if misplaced, to the death. Do not take this lightly.

Like I said, take it or leave it. You can ask the other folks here if these statements are incorrect.

MasterBlaster

Flying Scotsman,

Cut it out. Yeah I am 22, but I have been all over the world and have never met anyone like those filipinas they can be a happy angel one minute then a tornado of rage in a flash.

Castle,

Please be careful. You guys in this Forum are like my brothers so watch out. If she plans to get you she might just do that. Yeah we may think the Phils is fun and games but I know plenty of Filipinos who I have served in the US Army with and they have told me horror stories from that place. If you read the Sun Star you know what I am talking about.

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The most well-respected polling organization here is called the Social Weather Station (SWS). Recently SWS published a national poll which indicated that approximately 70% of the population of the Philippines would emigrate if given the opportunity. By any account, this is a shockingly high percentage. This is not because Filipinos don't love their country, but because there's so little opportunity created by the economy, and so little hope of any improvement, that any expectations of a rosier economic future are, for most people, futile.

This explains, I think why so many Filipinas will spring at any chance, no matter how slim, to marry a foreigner and to get out, even if the future they face is unknown and unclear.

The concepts of love, attraction, fidelity, and happiness are tied, albeit more strongly in some than in others, to the notion of getting to North America or Europe, which, for Filipinos, take on an almost mysical attraction. While it's true that, to a certain extent, the same phenomonon exists in several countries in SE Asia, nowhere is it as strong and as pervasive as here. I've seen the same set of circumstances in Africa, but there, the IT infrastructure is not as well developed, which means that the number of Africans able to communicate frequently with foreigners is still relatively small, and the opportunity to "troll" for prospective foereign mates is more limited.

There are several agencies here specializing in the placement of Filipinas in various foreign locations, from the Middle East (as domestic workers) to Japan (nightclub entertainers, GROs) to the US and Europe (health care professionals) and most of them have extensive waiting lists.Most such agencies charge a substantial fee for helping these ladies find jobs, and they scrimp and save to accumulate enough money to get their chance. I have lost count of the number of "normal" and reasonably well-educated Filippinas asking if I could help them get jobs as maids to foreigners who live here.

It's thus economic necessity, and the thought of escaping to a "better" if somewhat undefined new life that provides the motivation for a huge percentage of the population here; particularly the women who can turn their looks, and the attraction of Western men for Asian women, to their economic advantage.

GE

I'm in the states and just started dating a filipina less than 4 moths ago. She has been here about a year and is a professional with kids and is about 4 years younger than me (47).

After a few dates it seemed she was making the wedding plans already, and is always extremely clingy. I've told her I'm in no hurry to marry again, she says fine, but the "we should live together", "Can't wait to get a ring" comments keep coming in.

She is pretty, sexy and many other things I like, but I'm just not ready to commit.

She makes decent money (but has 3 kids), I make decent money, but by no means rich. She pays for every third - fourth meal and is constantly buying me stuff, and bringing me food.

It seems even the ladies who are here want to desperatly marry!

(Yikes!)

migrant

I myself dated a filipina for 12 years before I was assigned to work here. I was given this image of a corrupt, dirty, no hope country and glad to be out of there country. So you can imagine my reluctance knowing I was about to be transfered. But after the first year, I got a better picture.

Yeah, there are a lot of filipinas willing to marry someone just to get out of their country. Who can blame them. The younger generations are bolder than the previous ones. They learn to use sex as an advantage to get someone to like and hopefully fall in love with them. The older generation girls are more willing to take the longer route of e-mailing and getting to know the person. both intentions are the same.

Many go to extreme lenghts and risk to work in other countries just to earn a few hundred dollars a month. That's why some girls turn tricks to either make some money for that placement fee or make big money without leaving the country by luring foreigners to spend their dollars or euros on them.

A few of these girls go all out to win our hearts hopping for that one chance to get a fiancee visa or wedding bells in the future. A couple of my regular girlfriends are doing that to me so that I could finally settle down with one of them. I'm getting old and the offer starts looking tempting each time. Mind you that two of the girls are career women and one a former dancer. Only time I seek other women is when I'm hornyand none of the girls are available.

A few thngs that worry me is they are quick to be jealous, 'clingy' and is probably more serious about the relationship than you are.
But if I can catch that rare gem, I ain't letting go.