Swimming with the Sharks AKA Man-Eaters in the SU
When coming to Sosua you have to be willing to swim with the sharks. Theres no way around it. Keep in mind every OG monger that has been down here has gotten bitten at a certain point but we man up, mitigate the blood loss as we break free from the entanglement of a shark attack before being swallowed whole and move on. My self included. Personally I love it because it separates the boys from the men. It also heightens your instincts REALLY quickly. And these sharks arent the normal type that you can spot a mile away. These are lady shark types with lips hips and hunny dips that will rock your senses and fuck up your life real quick if you're not to careful. Hall and Oates call them Man-Eaters and they wasnt joking.
If I ever wanted to have someone assassinated I would hire a fine female come at you because youll never see it coming. No question if women could ever band together we as men would be fucked. Even now after I've been been swimming around sharks for years I still almost got caught. How so Coolie you may ask? Well it starts with me drinking on sosua beach all afternoon with your boys at Malibu bar. The weather is perfect and you're living life with the fellas. Now it's time to leave the beach and head to Central Bar. Ok I'm game. We go there on a late weds afternoon and the hunnys starts to pile in. And they can sense fresh meat. My boy that lives here tells the ladies that he lives here too, but they call bullshit. They smell fresh meat and are on my ass. Whats my name, can I buy them a drink blah blah blah. Theyre sizing my big ass up as if I was a square bear going to jail for the first time and theyre taking no prisoners. They all start off with the all universal greeting.
Man-Eater: Hola mi amor.
CH: Yeah no hablo ingles. Wait that's not right. Damn tequilla shots LOL. Umm Hi to you too.
Next they're watching your eyes. If they see you staring at her curves she going in for the bite like a shark hungry for her latest meal. Meanwhile unbeknowest to you she's barely been eaten the last few days as she's been shack up in a shitty hotel with 5 other females with barely running water. All she's been hearing from her fella amigas is the promise of a quick comeup from a dumb ass gringo. They pay anything for a quick nut these days as she here's story after story from past man eaters. And now here's her chance for a quick come up. She sees my tall ass feeling good off tequila and fireball shots so she starts with the can I buy her and a friend a drink.
CH: Your friend? BEEYATCH am I fucking her too.
Fuck it I'm feeling good. Ima be a nice guy. I tell the waitress to give them 2 presidente light on me. I turns and talk to my amigos. 5 minutes later I check and see that her friend has a different drink. WTF. Ooh I get it, soon as I turn my back you told the waitrees to give you a cubre libre instead. Yeah thanks for the tip because now that means the waitress is now in on the scam because if she was proper she would have inform me that you wanted something different and if I should allow it. So yeah take your shark teeth off of me and go find another gringo sucker. I was born at night not Last night. Ooh and waitrees show me my current bill. I'll be dealing with the main bartender behind the bar from here on out. Damn shame I got to deal with pirrahnas as well aka waitresses along side sharks but down here in the SU this the norm. So I adjust and adapt.
The good thing down here is that I notice folks will show there true colors real quick down here. So you must adjust and adapt quickly. No need to get mad over 6 bucks I just proceed to pay her and her friend no nevermind afterwards.
Moving on I goes back to taking shots with the fellas and philosophizing on how to navigate thru the waters when they turn turbelent down here. Amigo 1 is preaching if you're going to to do business down here you got to straighten up and fly right as much as possible. Down to actually getting a DR drivers license.
CH: WAIT you actually got a DR license down here. NO. FUCKING. WAY.
Amigo 1: Yep I got it.
He pulled it out and I actually stood up and saluted him. First gringo or native that I've scene that actually has a dominican license down here. Now hes telling Amigo 2 he should do the samething and other stuff as well sinces hes also running a business here.
Amigo 2: Yeah fuck that. I'm not going thru the hassle.
They both go back and forth respecting each others philosophy while both continuing to hold their ground. Its like seeing Malcolm and Martin going at it as its no longer about right or wrong as its now about perspective.
Meanwhile as the amigos are sharing their knowledge and experience a tall thicky approach me with tigo bitties and a nice round ass. She sees my eyes light up and from her curves and comes close to me. Then I notice something.
CH: What the deuce. Is she pregnant?
Amigo: well I guess she'll be putting it in her ass as well tonight LOL.
Hes goes and tells her in spanish that she's doing anal as well and she starts to laugh. We talk some more and then she ask for a shot of tequila. I'm already feeling good from previous shots so I'm game for another one. I order a round for us and we take shot of jose quervo. Then it dawn on me.
CH: Wait arent you pregnant.
She just stares at me. Yeah only agua for you from here on out. That kinda weirded me out a little because here you are 3-4 months pregnant on the pedro clisanate strip taking shots, so I goes back and start talking with my amgios again. Meanwhile she's in my ear about lets go back to my place and blah blah blah. She senses that she's about to lose her prey so she goes to the DEADLY shark move technique that gets ALOT of gringos eaten alive, especially when theyre not sober. She takes my hand and let me feel all over her to re-grab my attention.
CH: Damn those tetas grande are soft. Ass is real too. Yeah wouldn't mind going balls deep in this.
Ol mighty joe young is starting to get harder then chinese arthimetic but my mind is like naw lets wait. We got time down here. Get her number. Wait. What's that? You don't have a telephone either.
So lets recap. You told me you're staying in a rundown hotel with 2 babies their already, no telephone, with a 3rd one on the way and here you are taking tequila shots when you're not supposed to, on a random weds night. So you are out here on a desperation mission. And a desperate female shark with no money with multiple kids to feed are DANGEROUS. They'll steal, lie, do the ol leche quick papi sound technique after just getting in 2 pumps inside her, while acting a fool afterwards so she can get more money out of you even though we agreed on a price beforehand. Yeah I'll pass. Nice meeting you though. And just like that gents I escape another shark bite. BARELY, but I escape. Finished up chillen with the amigos and called it night.
So to those that's thinking about coming down here the best defense move is to not be afraid to walk away from a hunny dip and to ALWAYS be watching and studying her. She's sizing you up so you better be doing the same thing.
