Philippines Prepartory Work for First-Timers
For fellow punters visiting the Philippines for the first time, I heartily recommend undertaking a simple course of conditioning, which will minimize your risk and stress whilst staying here and enjoying the fine Pinay putay that the islands have to offer. Please note, this program can also be useful for occasional visitors who have fallen out of practice.
1) Obtain a copy of the 2006 film, Idiocracy, about a dystopian future in which everyone is retarded. Watch this film at least once per day, for a minimum of two weeks (preferably a month.) Properly performed, this will help mitigate any feelings of disorientation, irritation, or stark disbelief, which might otherwise interfere with the enjoyment of your magical time here.
2) Practice saying the word "no" repetitively, for at least a full hour each day, using a firm but friendly tone of voice. You may wish to incorporate variations, such as "not going to happen" "I think not," "when pigs grow wings," or simply chortling and shaking your head in negation. This should be kept up until saying "no" is entirely habitual to you, and you start to accidentally say "no" in conversations when you actually meant something else. A good indication is when you answer the phone with "absolutely not," or something similar.
Please do not disregard these safety measures, or you may find yourself experiencing certain unpleasant symptoms, such as: Losing your temper at cabbies and airlines; "loaning" women money; complaining that the electricity and / or water is not working; dry heaves; headaches; overpaying for pussy and then rationalizing it; diesel inhalation; nausea; hair loss; marrying bar girls; and venting / rants on message boards about that time it took three cashiers twenty minutes to sell you a phone charger. Remember, a little preparation goes a long way.