Ao Nang - Sex with a Genius
this is continued from 'two nights in phuket' from the phuket local forum.
ao nang
i’m to get picked up from summer breeze in patong at 7:15am, so i’m downstairs, miserable, at 7:00. my itinerary is to be as follows: leave phuket at 8:30 to arrive at phi phi in time to catch a boat to ao nang by 11:30, 12:00 at the latest. i figured i’d be checked into my hotel and enjoying hair of the dog by 2:00 and then the hairlessness of the cat by 8:00.
well, after a five-hour delay on phi phi, the ao nang princess nearly capsizing off the coast of railay, an obsequious tuk-tuk driver who just couldn’t say “i don’t know” to my questions of direction, and one very wet and very angry walk later, i arrived at my hotel in ao nang nearly 12 hours after i had left my hotel in patong.
grumpy, wet and tired, i take a wee nap in my admittedly very comfortable room. after a couple of minibar beers, it seems that the rain is dissipating and i can feel my hope start to rise like the bubbles of flatulence from the bottom of a bathrub. out on the town i go!
from various fora, i have gathered that there are two ‘nightlife’ spots in ao nang: one near burger king and one near mcdonald’s. i muse briefly on how globalization and the fast-food wars have even infected our beloved p4p scene and then choose burger king, as it’s closer. dodging what seems like hundreds of tailors, i make my way past the ‘restaurant’ and down an alleyway into the entertainment complex. there’s nothing really too complex about the entertainment here, however. there are bars and there are girls. men sit at the bars and the girls try to talk to the men. tonight, i am one of those men.
as i’m feeling pretty chipper from my phoenix-like rise from the ashes of despair, i have a seat at a bar called ‘t-nan’ bar, although the casual eye might mistake this for ‘than’ bar. this is a problem that causes much consternation among the girls when i pose it to them. since i can read the thai version of the sign, i can see that it’s definitely meant to be ‘t-nan’, but the english sign is not so clear and the girls struggle valiantly to find some way to fix the sign, nearly killing themselves in the process. i say this out loud, in thai, and a sort of hush falls over the bar. apparently, a girl from the next bar over had actually succeeded in killing herself the night before, and my jocularity is not appreciated. abashed, i buy a round of drinks and try to fade into the scenery, horrified at myself.
one of the girls apparently takes pity on me for my farang stupidity and insensitivity, so sits down across from me and buys me a drink. in hushed tones, she explains to me that the dead girl’s departure might not have been a suicide after all, and that the police are looking into it further. to change the subject, she goes through the litany of bargirl banter (again, all of this is spoken in thai). she introduces herself as ‘poo’, but says that she prefers ‘poo-bear’ in order to eschew any rep001ological references. staring at her naughty bits, i tell her that i’ll just call her ‘bear’, while my mind races to the homonym ‘bare’. she’s got big round jubblies, a nice little waist and cute little hands that you know would look excellent put to better use. facewise, she’s no stunner, with a protruding nose and small lips, but her body more than makes up for that. we continue trading inanities until she blurts out, in english, “but you don’t seem like the type of person that wants to talk about useless things. i think you are a philosopher.” taken aback, i compliment her on her syntax, vocabulary, and accent (which seems a cross between swedish and australian). she explains that she has spent all of the downtime a bargirl has reading english books, watching english movies, and teaching herself to read and write. i think she absorbed more than just language skills from all this immersion, however, as she had some decidedly non-thai ideas about religion, the monarchy, and conduct in society in general. this was the closest thing to a ‘deep’ conversation i’ve ever had with a thai girl, including longterm girlfriends; educated, hi-so thais with university degrees. hell, this wasn’t just close to a deep conversation, this was a deep conversation.
regarding religion, bear discards the notion of organized tithes or required days of worship. instead, she insists that spirituality resides within oneself, a notion i can’t argue with. i mention some of the meditation retreats i’ve gone on, including a 10-day vipassana rereat in kanchanburi. she’s familiar with the goenka-led discipline, although she feels it falls short in certain essential areas. when i tell her that i’m a devout atheist, she laughs at my use of the word ‘devout’ in such a context. this girl wasn’t just going through some sort of script. regarding the monarchy, she feels that the future leader will be a disappointment due to ‘absentee parenting’, which is about the most rep001hing rebuke of the big guy i’ve ever heard from a thai girl. she finds thai society to be superficial, self-obsessed and unsustainable. challenging her, i point to her obviously surgically enhanced funbags. “professional needs,” she replies, as if i were asking her about a laptop, “i think men like them this way. that’s why you keep looking at them, right?” she’s got me there.
at this point, i’m not exactly sure what sort of experience this is. on this forum, we often mention girlfriend experience or pornstar experience. this was like debate-partner experience, except i was pretty sure i was going to fuck my debate partner with the fake funbags by the end of the night. i don’t hold back this observation: i tell bear that i’d like to barfine her. she replies that she’ll hang out with me tonight, but the jury’s out on whether it would result in any sex. what the fuck was going on?
next door to t-nan (not at the dead girl’s bar), there’s a place called rocky’s bar or maybe rock’s bar. either way, they have a live two-person band playing there, with an extra microphone setup in case drunken customers are overcome with the magic of two out-of-tune guitars timidly scratching out ‘zombie’ by the cranberries. turns out bear is a beatles fan, so i comandeer the lead guitarist’s instrument and take over the stage. after ‘eleanor rigby’, ‘yesterday’, ‘i wanna hold your hand’, and “lucy in the sky with diamonds’, i turn to more exotic fare. ‘light my fire’ by the doors gives way to ‘stairway to heaven’, followed by ‘crazy train’, ‘nothing else matters’ and then a couple of my own compositions. the entire crowd goes crazy. however, that’s because the entire crowd at this point consists of bear and the two musicians i kicked off the stage. i’ve been buying mai tais for bear from my perch onstage and i’m sure the two fellas are just happy to have a break. nevertheless, i’m feeling pretty good about myself, so i tell bear it’s time to go back to my hotel. she agrees.
the sex is actually not all that good. she’s passionate enough and extremely energetic, but it just seems sort of functional to me. it’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, but i find myself more interested in this girl’s conversation than her contortions. strange feeling, i must say. after two rounds, she falls asleep on me and i get some reading done, finally falling asleep around 3:00. by 6:30am, it’s time for another round and it’s better than before (i live for morning sex), but i’d still rather just talk to the girl. we go for breakfast around the corner and i try to casually slip 1000b into her purse (intentionally making sure she sees, but simultaneously walking that tightrope ensuring that it’s not so obvious that face-loss would occur for either of us). we chat over breakfast and she asks me if i want company for my trip to railay that day. i decline, saying that i think i’d like a day alone (which turns out to be a big mistake). i head to the bathroom, and when i get back, she hands me a fold-up note, gives me a long kiss and tells me not to open it until she’s left the restaurant. figuring it’s her phone number, or email address or some sort of ‘please come again’ notice, i wait until she’s left. there are two words written at the top of the paper:
thank you.
as i completely unfold the note, the 1000b bill falls to the floor.
totals:
room: 1500
drinks: 1800 (including bear’s drinks)
barfine: 300
food: 1000
'one more day in phuket' will be posted in the phuket forum, when i get around to it.
[size=-2][b][u]editor's note[/u]:[/b] [blue]i would suggest that the author or another forum member consider posting a link to this report in the reports of distinction thread. please [url=http://www.internationalsexguide.info/forum/announcement-reportsofdistinction.php?]click here[/url] for more information.[/blue][/size]